Review: Im afraid there's no tomorrow for me...
Author: AmySuju
Reviewed on: 120427 by Marie

Character Development [/15]

You do a good job of making it clear what both character feels. I can tell that Donghae is upset that Eunhyuk won’t say I love you, and I can tell that Eunhyuk is a stubborn person. Try to avoid switching point of view so abruptly though. In the middle of the story, you switch from Donghae in first person to Eunhyuk in first person.

Try to put a “Donghae POV” and an “Eunhyuk POV” to make sure the reader knows who is speaking. I’m not a fan of telling whose POV it is, so you can also put a line or some sort of break to make it more clear. When you switch, all you say is this:

It’s night already and im in my house. I didn’t mean to be mad at Hae but he keep asking me to say I LOVE YOU to him but I don’t want to .

I suggest leaving the first part out, so it's clear early on that this is Eunhyuk speaking.

All in all, you have a good development of characters, but I would have loved to see more. Explain more about their relationship, possibly with examples from the past or more dialogue. You could have added another confrontation between them, or a moment they shared where they weren’t arguing, so that when they do argue, it’s more efficient and a big deal. Contrasting those two things will make the latter a lot more effective for the reader, and possibly make them feel more emotion.

Also, the characters’ reactions to Donghae’s death are not realistic at all. I’m pretty sure his mother would already be crying when she called Eunhyuk, if she even would, instead of almost crying. Also, I don’t think their conversation would have been so calm.

The characters did not seem to have many realistic encounters.

[6/15]

Plot [/25]

Your plot is developed well from the beginning, and it isn’t confusing at all. But the ending was slightly predictable. It all happens so fast as well. Your development of plot could have been much better. I suggest making it longer. The reader won’t mind, I promise. Adding a couple more paragraphs never hurts. You can still be abrupt and surprising in the ending without making how you describe it abrupt. I hope that makes sense. You want the ending to make an impact, but you don’t want it to feel rushed.

[12/25]

Conventions [/15]

Often in this fic, you write adverbs with a dash. This is wrong. You simply add the ending to the adjective without the dash. For example:

Hungry-ly should be hungrily. Smooth-ly should be smoothly.

Another thing, instead of writing this for dialogue:

Euhyuk: Hello, baby good morning? *Smile*

Unknown:Eunhuk?.. this is not Donghae, this is his mother. *Husky voice*

You can write this:

Eunhyuk smiled, pressing the phone to his ear. “Hello baby. Good morning.” he said in a relaxed tone.

“T-This isn’t…Donghae…” A husky voice replied, “This is his mother…”

Writing the name with a colon isn’t always effective.

Another thing – Every time a new person speaks, be sure to start a new paragraph. So this:

“Same nightmare Donghae?” my mom asked me after she saw my pale face. “Yeah , I don’t know why im having the same dream for almost 3 month after I couple with Hyukkie” I replied as I eat a bread

Should be this:

“Same nightmare, Donghae?” my mother asked me upon seeing my pale face.

*new paragraph* “Yeah, I don’t know why I’m having the same dream for almost 3 months of being with Hyukkie.” I replied, taking a bite from a piece of bread.

You have a lot of other grammar mistakes. Constantly, the tense in your story switches, and words are used incorrectly. But I won’t go over all of it, because your first language isn’t English and I completely understand. Your vocabulary isn’t developed fully yet, and with more reading and writing, I think you will definitely become something great with your writing. The score in this category is low, but there is room for improvement.

[3/15]

Originality [/15]

The plot wasn’t completely original. It isn’t anything I haven’t seen before, and it definitely was predictable. Even from the beginning I could tell that his dream was going to come true, especially considering it is an angst. Try experimenting with more complex plots, and your story will be a lot more original.

[6/15]

Extras [/10]

Poster: Your poster is really nice. It looks like a movie poster, so it draws the reader in.

Background: I couldn’t tell what your background was at first, because their faces were hidden. It’s a nice photo, but if there was a way your background was more clear and subtle, then it might be better.

Title: Remember to capitalize letters in a title unless it is a minor word such as “the”. So it should be:

I’m Afraid There’s No Tomorrow for Me…

Your title goes with your story well. It’s an angst fic, and the title describes that well. It isn’t anything exceptional, but it’s a decent title. It kind of gives it away that Donghae will die though, so maybe come up with a title more ambiguous that still relates to your fic.

Description: Your description contains several errors. I realize that English is not your first language but the description is the first thing the reader will read, and you don’t want to leave a bad impression.

Hyukjae or known as Eunhyuk is a couple with Donghae for 3 monthfor now ....

This sentence contains many errors. Reword it as this:

Hyukjae, also known as Eunhyuk, has been a couple with Donghae for 3 months now.

Another example:

All was what Donghae wanted to hear from Eunhyuk is I LOVE YOU ...

This should be:

All Donghae wanted to hear from Eunhyuk was "I love you".

Also, “Donghae behavior” should be “Donghae’s behavior”. Make sure you don’t switch tenses too!

Foreword: You picked a good example from your story to put in the foreword. It gives the reader a good idea of what the fic is about, and what might happen. Still, there are so many grammar mistakes that it almost detracts from the effectiveness. I suggest having someone proofread your story before you publish.

[7/10]

Pace [/10]

Like I said, the beginning was paced fine, but the ending was rushed. I think you should have elaborated more on how Eunhyuk reacts to finding out about Donghae.

I flipped off my phone .“Hae … I love you ~ I really do…” Tears fall from my eyes.

This is the only sentence in the ending that explains how Eunhyuk really feels. You could make this so much better by just adding more detail.

For example:

The phone in my hand dropped to the ground, and I felt my fingers start to sweat, shaking with shock. My eyes stung, filling with water as I fell to the ground, clutching my heart. “Hae…” I cried, “I love you. I really do.” Tears fell from my eyes, and I pressed my hands to my face, wailing into them. My whole body was in pain, but nothing hurt more than what I felt in my heart. Donghae was gone. Forever. The reality still hadn’t hit me, but I was already feeling empty and alone. I reached for a photograph on my bedside table of me and him, arms around each other, and bit down on my lip to keep from yelling out in agony. I shook my head, telling myself it couldn’t be true. My finger slid across his face, and I stared into his eyes. “Donghae…I love you…”

This may be slightly overdone, and I'm overexaggerating to stress my point, but do you see how adding more description makes his feelings more present? Even little things like mentioning that his eyes were stinging or that he was shaking make him seem a lot more affected by the loss of his lover.

[4/10]

Meaning [/10]

The story itself was meaningful. Disregarding everything else, it was so sad and unfortunate that I felt depressed after reading. This is a good effect to have on readers.

Try to add more detail like I mentioned above, and it will be even more heartbreaking, which is what you want in an angst.

Your tone isn’t really present throughout the story, which may be why it isn’t as meaningful as it could be. Try to imagine how you would feel in those events, and it will help you write them out. Again, more writing and reading will make you much better.

[7/10]

Overall [/100]

This story was interesting to read, with a heartbreaking ending. I enjoyed reading it because Eunhae is one of my favorite pairings, and also because their relationship was adorable throughout. Keep working on it, and maybe even have a native English speaker correct your grammar, and you’ll have an exceptional story.

Please understand that I stress what you could improve on more than what you did well, so don’t think that I hate your story, because that is not the truth. The scores are not important – I don’t even know why I have them. Come back again! I’ll look forward to it.

[45/100]