March, 2006

                CROWD. LOUD MUSIC. DISCO LIGHTS.

                Some were doing their chit chats, some were eating some foods not good for their health, some were drinking soft drinks and the others alcoholic liquor, some were up and dancing with the beat the band is making, the others were screaming whenever the vocalist winks, that includes my sister, some were drifting out of boredom, and some were just silent --- listening to the loud music the band is making... that includes me.

                Where am I now? A famous bar at Gangman.

                I don’t understand why Eun Soo unnie fell head over heels towards this familiar – looking vocalist of the Indi Band CNBLUE. I do admit that his features is worth – looking, he’s really striking, but he’s just like every other normal guy in the city for me.

                NORMAL.

                Why do girls our age would sacrifice their allowances just to watch him sing at famous bars? Why do girls our age sacrifice their study schedules just to see him play that Crafter acoustic guitar? Why do these girls scream whenever he winks on stage? What’s with his wink anyways? Lastly, why do girls go crazy whenever he his lips out of mannerism? I hear them saying he looks so y, what’s so y about that? It looks so ordinary for me.

                Me and my mind’s interminable monologue, I just shook my head gradually, trying to sink in the reason why my sister became one of these girls?

                 I should be studying right now, finals are fast approaching, but my sister forced me to go with her. Dad and Mom won’t allow her to go out late at night without me. So, here I am now, a chaperon to my older sister’s entreaty.

                “Hyun – ie,” Eun Soo unnie called me.

                I turned towards her and saw the happy face she’s making towards me.

                “Look at him, isn’t he so gorgeous?” she asked me, full of excitement.

                “De,” I answered not to spoil her enthusiasm.

                She then switch her head back on stage, where Yong Hwa - ssi --- the vocalist of the band, whom I’ve only known by the name through my sister --- was strumming his guitar and was singing emotionally.

                I observed my sister’s behaviour, she can’t even blink watching the vocalist on stage, her eyes were full of happiness. It was like a kid receiving a gift on her birthday. Is my sister in love? Of course not, what am I thinking?

                I then shifted my gaze at the vocalist. Jung Yong Hwa, according to my sister, he is transferee at their school. Silent type, only talks to Jessica unnie and no one else, in short, unfriendly... mysterious. I found out from sister’s blabber that Jessica unnie and Yong Hwa are cousins.

                I remember him, he is the first man who saw me wearing a y dress.

                After that day, we never cross lines until now.

                Studying every move he makes on stage, the crouch he makes while holding his guitar, the right hand strumming the strings while the left hand plays with the chords, wearing a simple dark shirt, rugged jeans and vintage sneakers makes him look like a real rock star on stage... he overpowers the stage... what power am I saying? His lips were almost kissing the microphone on the stand, eyes closed as he sings full of impression, it is as if he is reminiscent of the song, it is as if he experienced the hurt the song is implying, and it is as if he owns the song.

                He then opened his eyes and I saw the pain inside those eyes, is he really hurting? I was sparing the same hurt inside me and felt the sudden gush of fluids inside my eyes. I know I’m going to tear soon... it seems that I want to go up on stage and console him. I want to take away all the pain inside him.

                I do admit he really is charismatic when he sings.

                OH MY GOGUMA!

                No, what is this tingling sensation inside my heart?

                NOTHING.

                This is nothing, just some of the feelings worth ignoring. Maybe I was just carried away with the sad song.

                When the band finished their ending song, I called Mom immediately to fetch us. Dad was so busy with his job lately, that he seldom comes home and spends overnight at his Law Firm.

                As one of the known lawyers, Dad was holding the case of a College Student who filed ual Harassment towards the famous senator, Choi Ji Sung.

                I heard from the news that a surveillance camera recorded the said malevolence that gave dad advantage to win the case.

                After almost half an hour of waiting, Mom arrived at the parking lot were Eun Soo unnie and I were waiting.

                I was seated on the back seat, as usual, with my seat belt on while Eun Soo unnie sat on the passenger seat. She was starting her story – telling as mom listens to her attentively but was still careful with her driving. Mom knows her “crushing – on – Yong – thing.”

                My head was on the road, my mind still working on the case dad is holding. I really want to be like him. I want to study abroad and become one of the respected lawyers in South Korea. But the line I’m taking now is way too different, although it will make me famous, there is still no assurance that I can finish a degree course.

                I know, our debut schedule will soon be coming, hectic schedules with the promotions will be really rigid. It really worries me about my studies, sometimes I want to give up this opportunity and just study but my superiority always tells me ‘never give up on anything you’ve started.’

                I sighed deeply and closed my eyes and when I open my eyes I saw a Black Cadillac coming towards our lane? Good thing I’m good with cars since it became my research during spring break.

                Drunk driver?

                “Mom, watch out,” I shouted hastily as fear made my eyes close, not wanting to see the next occurrence.

                All I can hear is the loud sound of the car’s screeching wheels that wear almost crashing my eardrums, my sister’s scream that made me increase my anxiety, and the twirling of the world around me made my head ache... and then it stop with a shrill sound of the strained breaks on the ground.

                I steadily opened my eyes.

                Everything was usual, headlights still on, no broken glasses, no pain in my head, no bloodstain, all I was feeling is the pain on my shoulder because of the seatbelt’s firm cleaving.

                “M-mom,” it was Eun Soo unnie, apprehension was heard in her voice. I glanced at her, her eyes were teary as it fixed on the person she is now staring at.

                “I’m okay,” Mom’s voice was weary, I know she was shaking.

                I then looked at her, she was so pale. Shock was seen in her eyes.

                I can’t believe that the “almost accident” just happened.

                I was glad that everyone was okay.

                I observed the darkness outside, no other car since it was late.

                No other car?

                Where’s the black Cadillac?

                Drunk driver, was scared to be caught. He almost killed us. This was really a frightening Friday night.

                We went home directly, silence deafening behind us.

                We were surprise to see Dad, watching news on Television, isn’t he supposed to be at the firm by now? The hearing of the case will be ending soon.

                He smiled at us but crossed his eyebrows when none of us respond.

                “I won the case,” he continued smiling and the beaming faded again. “Can anyone tell me what happened? Aren’t you supposed to be happy for me?”

                Silence.

And mom broke in tears.

Starting that night, I promise myself that I will never go out late this night... ever again. First experiences never leave every conscious mentality.

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His Chronicles

March, 2006

Oh My Goddess,

                I haven’t seen you in a while.

                Two months I guess.

                After the boutique confrontation, I did not see you again.

                Your sister and I are schoolmates... which is fascinating. The similarity on your appearances was really parallel. But I can’t feel the aura I’ve been looking for.

                It’s your graceful movements and silence that captures me.

                Thinking would it be very nice to read the unopened book your face and action is making? Like I always imply, I want to know more about you. I want to know what’s exactly happening inside your head whenever you stare out of nowhere.

                I also want to know what’s with you that I can never forget every single detail of your perfect beauty. Me and my poetic instincts , but it’s what my true cognisant mind is telling me.

                You’re a perfect beauty, not only physically, but also internally. Your honest actions and clear eyes speak those characteristics.

                Even though I’ve only seen you once, there’s a part of me saying that our fate is meant to traverse. You and I are meant to meet.

                I miss you... the figure of your sister whom I see in school chatting with my cousin only makes me want to see you. I want to ask her where her younger sister is. What is she doing at the moment? What’s her favourite color? What’s her favourite flower? Does she like chocolates? Does she eat dukbokki? Any normal question that will let me know more about you, even in simple notaries. But I am not that type of guy, I don’t talk too much which makes me ask myself why am I speaking too much right now? I may not be speaking vocally but my lettering now is on the level of outburst.  Writing every word my mind is telling me to write, the exact opposite of my oral aspect, being the silent guy next door. Like I’ve said, I don’t speak too much, especially with new acquaintance. I’m the type of guy who just talks to people who are worth talking to.

                But whenever it comes to explaining my feeling towards knowing you, describing you, even though it’s more of a babble instead of valuable conversations, a bucket – full of words came rushing inside my mind.

                I can’t say this is love, not yet, I guess... but all I know is it is starting.

                Another thing you do is alleviate my stressful living.

                I thought only music can relieve my tension, but thinking of you even if it’s a hassle only relaxes me more.

                I’ve been singing lately with some buddies whom I’ve meet recently.

                I really hope you could come during our performances and serve as my inspiration.

                Another thing that gave me release is hearing good news.

                A famous lawyer won the case which I know is the right side. The surveillance camera really made a great help, thanks to the intelligence of some guys I’ve known.

                My family’s business is full of knowledge. It is complex but it helps a lot to make us alive although we are also close to death with this business. Know what it means? I can’t tell you, sorry about that.

                I am making a really big mistake in making this journal, but I can’t stop... I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m afraid that if I’ll not write this, all of this feeling will just fade away like what I would always do with girls I have to leave behind.

                But I can proudly say, this is the right time to forget all about the rules, I’m going to die anyways. I mean all people die.

                All I need to think now is how to talk to you... One thing is for sure, a day will come that talking to you would never be a problem... someday.

Clandestine Chap