I woke up at 5:30 a.m. like every day this week. Brush my teeth and wash my face then prepared coffee. I usually do not eat breakfast, just a quick protein baton, morning coffee, wearing clothes prepared in the evening then I'm off to work. There is no need for breakfast at home because I'm eating at work. A spacious canteen in the main building extension in the back with a large selection of food. I'm usually grabbing breakfast from there and eating in the studio's lounge. I know...I could eat it in this spacious canteen, but I feel more comfortable in the studio, where I have my own peace and can work in the meantime.

 

 

Time was passing quickly, maybe because I was focused on work, and tried my best to finish everything as soon as possible. I successfully did.

After work, I came straight back home and changed clothes to the ones YiSeul liked the most which was simply a white button shirt with long sleeves, black trousers and a leather jacket.

My bangs had grown longer, they were reaching my eyebrows, I had to spray them a little so they wouldn't look messy.

Then I used perfumes she bought for me.

After coming down the stairs I looked at the clock above the TV in my sitting room, grabbed all the important stuff like wallet, phone and keys, packed them into my jacket pocket and walked outside.

The first thing that came into my mind after opening the car doors was to stop by the flower shop around the corner.

What was the name of it?

I have been there many times, but for some reason never paid attention to its name... but, that doesn't matter. I love the atmosphere inside. Outside it looks like every other flower shop, however inside, after entering - straight away all the floral fragrances are hitting your senses, as like flowers are putting a spell on you. This magic makes you not want to leave this shop. It's maybe because of the sealing covered by hanging dry flowers, the shelves filled with colourful, aromatic and elegant flower heads, combined into bouquets or maybe container plants on the table first from the side of the door and lastly contrasting black and white floors.

"Good afternoon" The person who is keeping me sobber in this place is this shop's owner. She always greets me when I'm crossing the threshold door before the floral magic hits my senses.

"Good afternoon" I bowed. I'm always bowing to her, and appreciating her presence. She's not the only shop owner. I have been living here for the last 10 years and while being a regular customer, her person became like an extension to my family tree. Like auntie's substitute.

"How are you?" I'm always making sure to smile and look at her.

"Day as every other, but at least I can sit comfortably. Working outside in this cold weather would be upsetting" and she winked with a smile letting me know this was a half-joke, so I smiled back.

This tiny and chubby lady had a short, curly and grey haircut, tampered. In my opinion very suitable for her round face. Her eyes were always smiling. She was wearing all kinds of printed, long-sleeved shirts and usually jeans, but today she wore black leggings which made me surprised.

She was standing next to the till and casually moved to the open door behind her. It's probably door to her home.

" Hurry up! You will be late again!" She suddenly shouted to someone upstairs, I believe, because she stretched her neck high like she was trying to reach the second floor.

"I'm almost ready!" An unknown girl's voice answered. The. Lady came back to the till with a wide smile and said:

"Apologise, my granddaughter is living with me. What you're looking for today?"

"It's Okay, don't worry" I shook my hand to show I was not bothered "I'm looking for a red rose bouquet, large size please" I winked so she would understand it was not for work, but more enjoyable reason. She nodded with understanding. It's not the first time so there is no need for more explanation, she knew very well what kind of bouquet I was looking for.

 

 

I walked outside the flower shop holding a large bouquet with roses and chamelaucium mixed with some addition, something that looked like long grass leaves, but I had no idea what is the name of it. I jumped into the car and headed to YiSeuls home which was by car 15 min from my place.

I parked under her tiny bungalow, placed on a street filled with identical bungalows, one next to another, and spaces filled with grass only in front and behind them. That was supposed to be a house garden, but for some reason, none of the residents were growing any plants or putting any garden furniture outside. Maybe they are not allowed due to some unknown law. That's weird, but it doesn't matter, right? At least the grass is nicely cut and looks tidy.

"I'm here, are you ready?" I called her, she picked up straight away.

"Yeah, one sec..."

Then I waited around 1 minute, it's quick anyway, but I will never understand why people are saying they are ready when they still haven’t finished one task yet. I guess it's only me seeing a problem in this, so I have never said it out loud.

She then opened the doors of her home.

Stunning, even though her make-up was just minimal. Her long hair was nicely tied in a ponytail. She wore a red sweater and the same leather jacket as me, like a couple's outfit. Long dress, showing her legs just up to her knees, and comfortably looking flat shoes, similar to the ones ballet dancers are using. Hers were in colour white with black tips.

She opened the car doors and jumped inside with a baby smile. I love it when she smiles like that. Her comfort is my comfort. It's like when you are raising a child and watch all of his archivements...no, the child is a bad example, but there is something similar in my feelings for her. Starting from the scene in the park when we first met and she started crying, I felt the need to protect her, even though she was not a child. And her achievements are giving me satisfaction like they are my own. Every time she is smiling like a baby I feel she is safe and sound in this relationship, and that's my goal as her partner. To make her smile and safe every day... Is it the goal? How other relationships are working? I have never been in another relationship so I can't even compare. Is my point of view the same as all the other boyfriends? I started the car and we headed to the amusement park just at the end of our suburb.

 

It's a very characteristic place because on the left side of this street is placed city's cemetery, then a forest with a park inside which you can enter only by a small path from the main road. After the forest is finally the entrance to an amusement park. On the right side are just fields with grass, yellow and dry at this time of the year.

 

We spoke and laughed all the time while driving, this should be natural, why do I feel like it's the first time? Or first after a long time...

I'm still wondering why she wasn't angry when I haven't called her in the last 3 days, but there is no point in starting this topic. Maybe it has happened many times already, so she simply got used to it, but the worst is I haven't even realised I was repeating this mistake...was I? I can't believe it, but that's the only explanation.

 

I parked the car at the parking lot in the front of the main entrance. The crowds of people were gathering and walking inside the large entrance gate which was created from two red columns connected at the top by yellow letters saying: WELCOME. Simple as that.

We decided to use the flat ride first, and that was our main goal - to find a flat ride. It was her idea, mine was to use the roller coaster because Chanyeol said it's fun, and I should try it. I never rode it, but I very much know what is it, and his recommending this ride only means he wants to check my endurance and laugh at me later, that's what he is doing. He is looking for a reason to laugh. That's one of his good points, I like his hyperactive, easy-going and totally contrasting with mine personality, it always lifts my mood up and gives me comfort. He was my friend from the very beginning of my JJE life, my only real friend all my life... There is probably no one, even YiSeul who knows me as much as Chanyeol does, and vice versa.

We found the flat ride while squeezing through the crowds. Hundreds of individuals, couples and families gathered that day. I, who love my comfort zone am not a fan of crowded places, but from the time when I met YiSeul, I am somehow trying to suppress this discomfort.

We bought the tickets and jumped on the ride. It was a slow, spinning around in circles, going up and down, created for families with children, 4 seats on one bench.

"Ready?" I asked her to make sure she was happy.

"Always!" her answer was honest, same as her beautiful, wide smile. The blue seats were wide so I made sure she was not too far from me by holding her hand.

This ride was long and shook us like were in the middle of an earthquake, but she didn't mind. We haven't spoken much, this reminded me of our first few weeks of dating. She was mostly listening to me and my grumbling. Come to think about it, she never really opened up to me. Everything she has ever done and said was about the present time, this moment, her needs and feelings now. I have never seen her with friends or heard about people from work. She knows every detail about all the staff from JJE because I was telling her stories every day like she was my diary where I'm noting all my satisfactions and frustrations collected from the daytime. She knows Chanyeol because we meet regularly, with or without his girlfriend May. She knows everything about Kim because I have told her about even the smallest detail of my and his relationship, strew with incompatibilities between us...

"Do you have a friend? Don't get me wrong..."I reassured her of my good intentions before even starting the topic.

"It's only because I'm curious, I have never seen you with any friends or heard you talking by phone with one. I hope you're not afraid to introduce her...."

"I have you!" she then looked me in the eyes whia ch made me speechless. This is not the answer I expected, but I can't go further down this topic.

We were silent till the end of the ride...

She even looked at her phone a few times like she couldn't wait till this attraction was over. To be honest, I don't blame her. I would never use this kind of ride in the first place, so I guess she can be only upset with herself.

 

 

Next, we have chosen the ghost town. That was my idea, I always wanted to see what it looks like in reality, and it's a clever way to make your girlfriend frightened to the point she will be holding your hand tightly. Am I that bad? It sounds evil, but I have seen this in movies, and it always worked fine.

We sat on the boat and swam into the dark tunnel. The boat was moving by itself, hopefully. The lights were flashing, creepy laughs were heard from around our heads, and characters from horror movies appeared suddenly near us, KABOOM! HA HA HA!

That's fun! Apparently, those are mannequins. I was wondering if the real person would be wearing the clown's outfit and creeping from every corner, but those are mannequins...

My mind was so absorbed by this entertainment that I forgot that YiSeul was here with me...

I am a bad boyfriend. I have many regrets towards myself for not being the best partner...

It was dark, but I still could see her face painted in the colours of flashing lights...

She was sitting still...

There was no reaction whatsoever to the effects of this ride. I leaned down and asked:

" Are you ok?"

She looked at me and smiled widely:

"Yeah, sorry, I'm mesmerised by all the creepy sounds and dolls. Do you like it?"

I smiled with ease and nodded my head. Then I grabbed her hand and held it up until the end of this ride.

 

 

We decided to check the last attraction which was Ferris. In this one, we can feel like on a real date and chat as much as we like as it's slow and in my opinion, the best purpose of it is just a landscape viewing.

We jumped inside the cabin and sat comfortably on the puffy blue bench from the fake leather.

She looked outside the window and enjoyed the view while we rose upwards.

"YiSeul..."

She looked at me after hearing her name and made this sound announcing a question mark:

"Hm?"

"I understand I'm asking many unexpected questions today, but... where is your accent from? Chanyeol asked me last time and I didn't know what to answer" then I giggled a little to not make it sound like a interrogation.

"Oh, it's from Yukjin. I was born in the Yukjin area"

"Wow, I have never meet anyone from there. How different is life there from here? Why you moved? If I can ask..."

She was piercing me with her gaze in silence. It made me feel like this was the worst question I could've ever asked...

"I just want to know more about you. Look, we have been in a relationship for so long, but I don't know anything about you...."

"You..." the bomb...the granade in her voice made my heart beat stop for a second....

"You know me from Seoul, my only family is my mom so there won't be any happy family meeting. Can you just take me as I am now?..."

The silence...

The emotions banging into this cabin walls...

Or maybe it's my heart beating so fast...

What should I say?

"There is no story in my life to talk about" she suddenly smiled, and leaned comfortably on the backrest.

"I was born, I attended private school, then I moved here. That's all that happened"

I didn't believe in this and neither did she, but this kind of facial expression was new to me, and I was regretting even asking this question. But why should I regret it? This is something I should know about my girlfriend...what has she done to me to feel this regret?

...Why is she smiling now? ...

"Hmmm...if you don't want to talk about it, it's fine. I won't bother you"

That's what I said, but deep down I felt the need to press her more, to make her answer at least one of my questions. That was the first time in our relationship when I genuinely felt frustrated by her behaviour. Many times she was acting like a child, I let it go because that's a part of her personality and that's cute, she is not hurting anyone. But this? This now is a totally new level of her acting skills. That's not a part of her personality, that is an act of arrogance, or should I call it insolence? I understand she may have a difficult past and doesn't want to talk about it, but I believe there are many other ways to deliver this message. Why is she smiling? ...

We didn't talk much till the end of this ride. She was looking behind the window and pretending to enjoy the view, meanwhile, I was looking at my phone and her from the corner of my eye.

 

 

While heading to the main gate we stopped at the souvenir shop. There was a very limited selection. We could choose between paper cards, pin badges, and apparel which is definitely not needed in my life as I'm not attending costume parties, and even if I would, none of them were of my likes. Lastly, I noticed a couple coffee cups and bought them. She seemed delighted so I guess this was a bull's eye. Then we finally headed to the car to finish our awkward date. I wasn't happy with how it went. It was supposed to be a joyful day, I was meant to pay her back for my ignorance in the last 3 days, but it even worsened the situation.

That's what I thought, but...why is she not bothered at all?

Why am I the only one feeling upset?

 

 

 

 

 

They finally arrived home after long day.

The couple walked inside Kyungsoo's house, soaking wet from the rain which decided to appear at the end of their journey. Kyungsoo's garage was in the back of the garden, and heavy rain needed only few seconds to make their clothes wet.

"That was unexpected" said amused YiSeul while taking off her jacket and brushing her wet hair by fingers.

"I know, the weather was fine all day" added Kyungsoo while also taking off his not only jacket but shirt as well. He walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and started preparing food.

" What would you like to eat?" asked his girlfriend who sat on the bar chair, and was observing him.

"Can we order something today? Day was long, do you still want to anything?" and giggled. For some reason this idea brought a smile on his face, smile full of ease. In reality he was already tired, and the only thing what he wanted was just lie down and relax.

"Definitely, can you order? I'll eat whatever you will choose. Give me one minute, Ill change clothes upstairs" and he done as he told, meanwhile she grabbed her phone and opened the food delivery app.

 

 

She ordered a japanese buffet, all kinds of snacks and even miso soup which was Kyungsoo's favourite from japanese soup menu. They ate at the table in the kitchen, talked like nothing ever happened. YiSeul was looking at her phone every minute, and that made him think she is bored, so after eating he planned a nice movie night to finish this day in the best possible mood.

They rose and moved to he sitting room. He hugged her from the behind and walked, slowly while holding her in his arms. Then whispered to her ear:

"What are we watching today? thriller, comedy or maybe ...you just want to sleep, eh?"

she turned around, interrupting him and lying her arms around his neck:

"I wish..." she then looked deep into his eyes so he impatiently focused on what she will say next.

"to...just...lie on this couch and fall asleep in the middle of the movie" and she started laughing,so Kyungsoo hidden his disappointment and pretended to laugh as well.

 

 

They played new Star Wars. She said it can be anything, because she's tired enough to fall asleep at any moment. Then she lied her head down on his knees. He her head while watching.

At some point he looked at her to check if she is already asleep...

"What's this?" he thought... the dark spot under her ear looked like hickey...is he hallucinating? He don't remember to do it last time...

"Her past...

Not much contact at my work trip. She lied about her mothers condition, I remember clearly how she constructed the sentences, it was ment to make me think it's very bad.But what was the point?

She was gone early in the morning that day due to work, when I came back. That was first time, but I guess it still can be explained. Then its started...for three days she hasn't message me back or called, and when she answered she made me think it's my fault. On this awkward date, which I want to consider as flop, she was looking at the phone, bored, she was looking at the phone even when we came back. We did spoke, but for some reason I am feeling like I'm spending time with random person... And the smile! This smile is making me frustrated the most...is this hickey?"

"IS THIS HICKEY?" His words were almost whispered, but the tone sounded like the bomb will explode any second. He had it in his throut, the detonator. Felt that if he will rise voice more, it will be over. The heat in his body, the pulsating veins on his forehead...

"What?" she wasn't listening to him so just casually turned her head on his side and quickly sat down after realising his anger. "What did you said?" her voice was trembling, She knew...

"What is under your ear?"

She touched the exact spot like she already knew. The silence...and explanation after...

"I hit on the corner of the table when was picking up my phone from the floor, it fell.."

She didn't believe in this words. For him it was the most unbelievable, impossible and silly story she could have ever come up with. She knew, but wasn't even bothered to hide it or to prepare any believable excuse. That's it. Every pieces of puzzle came together in one picture.

"YiSeul, from the moment when I came back from work trip..no, on the trip you have been avoiding me. After I came back it was even worse. Many of your stories seems to be a lie, and the way you are smiling when you suppose to be upset is frustrating me, do you even care?"

"What is wrong with you now? I was all the time the same, maybe you suddenly created some ridiculous history in your head..."

"Ridiculous? You mean when you made me believe that your mom's condition is life threatening and made me feel like it was my fault that we haven't had any contact for few days, when you could at least call?! You haven't even reply to my messages!"

"What?! You have never seen a problem, and now you realised that's somethings wrong? I've been stuck to you for one year, to your boring life, being a good girl because you expected this from me. What you want me more to say?"

He stopped breathing for a second...

The anger in him...

The bomb ticking in his throat...

If he will speak up now, everything will be over...

Heart was banging to the chest walls so hard, it could be heard in this silence.

"...my boring...life?"

Tick tock

Tick tock

The pulse in his veins was moving together with the clock hung above the tv.

"Yes!" She standed up from the couch, looking at him, but aggressively going backwards like she if ready for the most difficult battle in her life.

" Yes, your boring life! Like...what are we even doing? I feel like a childminder, making sure baby is feed well and drank well, satisfied after , oh! And let's not forget about making sure that baby's house is clean so he can spend all day writting lirycs and composing comfortably, when I'm dancing around him..."

"Have you ever told me about this?! Have you ever told me anything about your feelings? You expect me to read in your mind? I was babying you, you was always expecting from me to be whoever you want, I was fighting with my own displeasures just to make you happy! What? You found someone new in this one week in separation? What is that black spot under your ear?!"

Silence...

They both looked into their eyes and haven't blinked even once....time has stopped...the sound from tv was muted by their senses. There was nothing else...

Just them trapped in this void....

She deep breathed suddenly.

"Y...es..I didn't want to say it today, but I meet my ex and..."

"Oh, your ex?! I thought you are from other side of the country, and have no one here except your mother?!"

"That is true!? But...I meet him, he moved here not long time ago! And yes, I am still in love with him! What should I do now? Do you even understand? I guess no, because you have never been in a relationship, and it tells. You know nothing about relationship" the second part was said faster, like she can finally let it out from the cage inside her chest "That doesn't really matter anymore, I don't need this" then she moved to the anteroom and grabbed her jacket and quickly worn shoes.

"I'm happy I could finally tell you, I can go away and won't be feeling any burden. Oh, and one last thing. Our relationship was started only because you were the only person who felt sorry for me that day, and because I'm alone here so I decided to use you. You wanted to know about me so now you know, I hope you will sleep sound tonight. See you, and you can throw away my stuff, I'm not going back ...." and she slammed the door so hard that all the coats on a rack has shaken...

He stood there in silence...

His eyes were open wide, mind blank....

His shaking hand touched the top of his head. Tears in were resting emotionlessly in the corner of his eyes, like they are frozen. He hold them...no, he was just in the middle of a fight between his heart, mind and common sense. Looking for logic. Looking for any help, anything to grab, anything to help him survive this detonated bomb inside. Her shouting was still heard in his ears. He moved slowly to the sitting room, not even looking under his feet. His eyes weren't with him. The pictures he have seen was past year versus this scene...his world just crumbled apart...

He hit his knee on the table, that woke him up for one second. The chips were lying on the table in a bowl...

BAM!

He threw it away straight to the center of TV. His eyes were red and veiny, tears started to fall down, his breath was shallow like he just finished running marathon. He turned around, grabbed his head and bended while shouting like he feel the worst physical pain possible.

He was shouting...

 

Whining...

 

Sat down on the floor and covered his eyes, sobbing, then wiped his face and stood up. Started to walk around the kitchen like possessed, fighting for the ease inside. Looking for any positive thoughts. Sat on the bar chair, dropped his elbows on the counter, and covered his face again leaving only clenched teeth visible...he was trembling even though the temperature in the kitchen was high. All the emotions in his body shoken him like on the flat ride today....

Ride with her...

...

 

The buzzing phone was lying in the table in the sitting room

Chanyeol was calling.....

Beep, beep

Beep, beep

"Hi, it's Doh Kyungsoo. I'm currently unavailable, please leave a message after the tone - HA HA HA why so serious Baboo? - What? Not good? Oh, sor..."

Beep....