Kai stares at his reflection after dancing for three hours straight. He was covered in sweat and was out of breath. He couldn't recognize the man who was staring back at him. His eyes were red now and he noticed he needed to shave. He could see a slight shadow on his chin. His dark brown hair was messy and unkept. His dark circles were so prominent now and he noticed he's been loosing weight. His happy and charismatic self has been long gone. He had become so unhappy and unfocused for so long, that he couldn't remember the last time he had smiled genuienly. Depression had hit him hard. All he could think of was her. His first love, but were they really meant to stay together forever? He smirked, feelings were so complicated. He didn't want to feel anymore.

They met when they were both 15 years old and now he was 23 years old, 8 years has passed since their first meeting. He hasn't loved anyone the way he loved her and in a way he felt suffocated and scared. Was he genuienly still in love with her? Or was he just in love with the memories they shared years ago? And was it the same for her? Was he just scared to love another person that wasn't her? He never really went out of his way to get to know another person. He always felt that he needed to wait for her, until she was back in Korea. He felt that he was betraying her if he ever loved someone else. Did he keep her memory because he felt safe there or was there really a need to be together? 

Those four years they were seperated flew by so quickly. A lot of new experiences have formed and in a way both of them have changed. There were tons of girls who threw themselves at him but he always resisted them because in the back of his mind no one could compare to her and he didn't see the point of being with any of them. Little did he knew things would change so soon.

Kai closed his eyes. He didn't know what to do anymore. Sehun was in London with her. He knew Sehun was in love with her. He knew Sehun hasn't been okay since him and her took a break. He watched Sehun contemplate going after her but after a while, he grew some courage and followed her to London. Kai watched all of that happened. He didn't want to follow her, he didn't want to bother her anymore. 

He opened his eyes and suddenly he feels tears crawling down his face. Why did it have to hurt so much? Why were all the memories they shared so vivid in his dreams? But they were all just a constant reminder of what they had. He knew things would never be the same. He almost wished he was eighteen again, so they could re-live all their memories and maybe this time around he wont mess it up. 

He remembered the first time she invited him to the Kim's annual gala. He tried to dress his best that he even begged his mom to buy him a new suit. The socialite boys who wanted her treated him like an outsider. In a way, he was an outsider from them. He wasn't filthy rich during that time. They all tried to make him feel less than them by asking him for his net worth. She ended up shutting everyone up when she kissed him in front of them. Kai smiled, she was always a rebel in her own way. She was the only girl to ever get him like that. But things change and you don't always get what you want. Maybe she was never supposed to be his anyway. He knew Sehun saw her first and he remembers clearly the way Sehun looked at her when they all first met her at the RCY. His eyes were staring at her longly like he was mesmerized by her. But Kai moved quicker than Sehun and asked her number first. Maybe Sehun and her were always supposed to be together but he just got on the way.

He closed his eyes again and pictured her beautiful face.

She'll always be in his heart and that will never changed. She'll always be a part of him. He'll always remember all the memories they shared. 

Maybe she's happy now. That's what he wants for her right? He wanted her to be happy. Maybe she was happier with Sehun. He hasn't really made her happy since she came back from Paris, all he ever caused her was pain. He was selfish and only thought of himself. 

He wanted to be a better man. He wanted to be happy again. He wanted this heavy feeling to evaporate. He wanted a new start for himself and for her. 
Maybe now, he can let go of the past. So both of them can move forward. 

Maybe it wont hurt so much.