Regret Prt I 

"You can do it. I believe in you.” 

Minho looked over at the private. The shouting of the other soldiers was getting louder and if he didn’t move, who knows what would happen.

"I'll see you on the other side.” Daejung said with a smile before practically pushing Minho forward. “And remember, whatever you do, don’t look back.”

Minho stumbled, looking back for a mere few seconds before turning around and bolting for the South Korean border. His heart was racing and it was the only thing he could hear. Everything else around him had drowned out. The adrenaline pumped through his veins and carried his exhausted body back to freedom.

It felt like an eternity before Minho reached the bunker that separated both North and South. He wasted no time in banging on the metal door but he couldn’t even hear himself scream. Despite what he was told, Minho couldn’t help himself and looked back. What he saw behind him was what he would regret and what would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Daejung stood where he had been, only meters away. He had lifted his hand up as if to wave Minho goodbye and was smiling but his eyes were sparkling with fresh tears. It took only seconds before gunshots rattled through Daejung’s body. The other North soldiers came around from their own bunkers to find Daejung slumping to the ground. They shot him a good ten more times to make sure he was dead before glancing up to find Minho within running distance.

When he realized they were charging at him, Minho turned back and banged his fists on the door. 

"Open the door! Please! I’m going to die!” Minho begged, as he was practically in tears.

"It's Marine Private Choi Minho!” He screamed through the metal and flinched when a bullet shell ricocheted nearby him. He didn’t even realize that it grazed his right cheek. 

He turned back again to see the soldiers were almost mere feet away from grabbing him. At that moment, Minho had no other thoughts than that these were his last few seconds being alive… he would never see Sohee, Haneul… his brother, Taemin. He was paralyzed by reality becoming true until the door lock suddenly clicked.

Minho felt the door give way to him as it opened. He didn’t have time to react before falling to the hard floor below him. With the adrenaline still pumping through him, the pain from the fall overrode everything as he practically crawled into the joint security building. 

The gunshots reached Minho’s ears but they became muffled once the door was finally closed and locked. His heart was still rattling in his chest and he didn’t even realize that he was shaking. 

"On your knees!”

Minho glanced up seeing the familiar South soldiers standing over him. He was frozen on the floor until one soldier moved forward to help Minho onto his knees as ordered.

"Put your hands behind your head,” Ordered the soldier, to which Minho silently complied. 

The other soldiers had their weapons drawn while Minho was being patted down. His arms were raised above his head and while he kneeled he felt an overwhelming flood of emotions. 

He felt relieved.

He felt safe. 

He was so tired.

His chest hurt and was tight. 

He also felt regret. 

Everything had happened so fast that he didn’t know what to comprehend first. Warm tears brimmed his eyes and he suddenly felt that it was hard to breathe. He began choking out his sobs while trying to gasp for air. 

"Back up! Give him space!” The soldier ordered. The group lowered their weapons at the sight of Minho’s reaction and backed up as they were told. 

"Easy, easy. Take deep breaths. Can you tell me your name, private?” The soldier asked.

Minho finally looked up at the soldier, who was staring back at him with a concerned look. He was still shaking and as hard as he could, he tried to calm himself down. 

"Let’s get him to the medical wing and fast.” The soldier commanded the group. They scattered to carry out the order. 

Minho watched them and in frustration he closed his eyes. He dropped his arms from behind his head while still trying to catch his breath. The soldier gently placed his hand on Minho’s shoulder. He flinched at the touch but when he looked back at the soldier, his vision became out of focus and blurred. 

He could hear the soldier’s voice become like an echo and even the shake on his shoulder became a faint memory. Minho was fighting consciousness. 

"Private! Stay with me! Hold on!” 

And it all went dark. 

***

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

The subtle sound of a machine nearby came to Minho’s ears. Something told him to wake up but he was afraid that he was dead already… but he had to start waking up. 

His eyes slowly started to open. At first he almost couldn’t because of the light but after blinking a few times and finding that it was dimmer than what he thought, he managed to get a clear picture of what was going on around him.

Minho looked down to realize he was in bed. A hospital bed. He was wearing a hospital gown and took a moment to examine himself. The nasal tubing for oxygen rested just below his nose. Underneath his gown, he felt the small electrode pads sticking to his chest and the cords feeding through to the monitor that made the continuous beeps. 

He looked at the monitor and as he did, he found that his left arm was also attached to an IV. 

As if it wasn’t confirmation enough that he was alive, he suddenly had the urge to use the bathroom, but there was a burning sensation in his groin that was absolutely uncomfortable. 

Minho wasn’t going to take many chances so he decided to sit up. Which immediately was a bad idea. He felt the sudden shooting pain shoot up from his tailbone up to his spine that made him halt all movements. 

He grimaced to himself at the pain. It was as if all at once the need to use the restroom along with needing to vomit. He searched around and his eyes fell on the call button. Minho reached over and kept pressing it in his panic. 

"Ganhosa!” Minho called out as loud as he could before covering his mouth to stop himself from vomiting. He could curse himself for moving or attempting to move as he did because now the pain was throbbing from his ribs. 

The beeps from the monitor became a little more frantic from Minho’s distress. The burning in his groin only worsened that he actually thought he was going to cry. He was about to call out again until finally a nurse rushed into his room. 

Before the nurse could even say or ask a word, Minho looked up at her almost in tears. “I’m going to throw up.”

There were only seconds for her to react before she grabbed the small basin and held it out in front of him. Thankfully it was just in time because there was no way Minho would’ve been able to keep it down. 

Minho couldn’t help but dry heave loudly until finally vomiting up water. It scorched his throat and when he was done, he was sweating. He rested the basin in his lap, looking up at the nurse who stood attached by his side.

"Are you in any pain?” She asked finally and Minho nodded. 

The nurse took the basin from him before reaching over his lap to find what looked like a hand held pump. How Minho hadn’t noticed this earlier was beyond him but at this point he didn’t even care. He just didn’t want to be in pain anymore. 

"This is for you when you’re in pain,” she explained and placed the pump into his right hand. “Press the button and your medicine will be released, OK?” She explained. 

Minho looked at the pump in his hand quizzically but decided the hell with it. With his thumb he pressed down on the button with a click. 

"It'll take a few minutes, OK?” She said reassuringly. Minho hoped to God that she was right. He looked back to her to find that she was staring back at him, as if to see if he complied and understood what she said. 

"Let's get you back to laying down,” she said gently. She placed her hand by the middle of his back to support Minho to carefully lay back down onto the bed. He rested onto the pillows and when she felt confident that he was well enough, she went to look over his charts and paperwork. 

"I really need to use the bathroom.” He groaned between his body being in pain and the pain of a full bladder. 

The nurse turned back to him. She glanced down at his lap and then back up at him. Feeling slightly embarrassed she simply said, “You have a catheter in, so if you need to go, you can.” 

Minho blinked once. He realized that must have been why his groin was burning so much. As he laid there, he was uncomfortable and wished that he was back to sleep. Without much else, the nurse turned back around with an ear thermometer. She gently placed it in Minho’s right ear and he flinched. It didn’t take long for a beep and she pulled away to see the reading.

"Hmm you do have a fever, 38 degrees. I’m going to let the doctor know.” She informed him. 

Whatever she was saying went in one ear and out the other for Minho. He just didn’t want to be in the situation he was in. When he saw that she was about to leave, he caught her before she walked out the door.

"Where am I?” He asked finally. 

She looked over to him and paused for a moment before replying, “you’re in Seoul Veteran’s Hospital. The doctor will see you soon, arasso?”

Minho didn’t even reply back to her as she promptly left his room. Now that he was alone and had a clearer sense of where he was, Minho tried to think of the events that led him to this point. There were some things that were fuzzy but one detail remained the same: when he finally crossed over.

He didn’t want to dive deep into those thoughts but instead he noticed something else. The pain was starting to subside like he had been told and started to feel more at ease. Out of curiosity, he lifted the bedsheet up and was confirmed that he did have a catheter.

Minho jumped at the soft knock on his door to reveal the doctor walking in. He immediately felt uncomfortable as the other man came close to his bedside. 

"Annyeong, I’m Doctor Kwang.” He greeted Minho warmly, but it didn’t change how Minho felt uneasy. 

"I'll be looking over you during your stay here. It seems that you’ve spiked a fever and felt sick?” Doctor Kwang asked. 

Minho didn’t answer. He was starting to feel nauseous again with the doctor just by his side. All he could think about was when he woke up in that poor excuse of a hospital in North Korea. The pain he woke up to… how he was strapped down against his will… 

"Now that you’re awake, I would like to explain to you that you’ll be undergoing some tests. Nothing too out of the ordinary, just to check your overall health since you’ve been out of the country for six months.” Doctor Kwang explained but Minho was barely listening. He wasn’t thinking straight or clearly. On the inside he could feel the panic rising. 

The door to the room opened again and his eyes darted towards the front. The nurse from earlier reappeared for whatever reason, Minho didn’t know. When she came closer to his other side, she had two cups. One with water and one with a couple of pills. 

"This will help your fever go down,” she explained and held them out for Minho to take. He glanced down at them and looked back at her, shaking his head. 

He wasn’t trusting. He felt threatened. 

The nurse blinked in surprise and looked towards the doctor for guidance. Doctor Kwang noticed this and leaned closer to Minho, even placing his hand on his shoulder. 

"Don’t worry, you’re in good hands now.” He said gently. Minho didn’t even look at the doctor, but at his hand on his shoulder. He didn’t like it. He didn’t want to be touched. Minho couldn’t even react as the nurse moved closer to hand off the cups to him. 

Minho didn’t like this feeling of being enclosed. He felt trapped, like he had been for six months. With all these feelings boiling up inside was too much for him. Without warning, Minho smacked the cups out of the nurse’s hand. The water and pills flying into the air and landing on his sheets. 

The nurse staggered back from the reaction, her eyes growing wide. Minho grabbed the doctor’s hand and shoved it off. The beeping from the machines was louder and more frequent now. He wanted to get out of there. 

"Private Choi, you’re safe!” Doctor Kwang said as he stood up. But Minho didn’t feel safe. He wanted to get out. He reached for the nodes that were attached to his skin under the gown and ripped them off at the cords. 

"Soyoung-ah, go and get the propofol! Now!” Doctor Kwang instructed. Just as the nurse ran off, a male nurse entered the room to help assist. 

"Private Choi, please, hold on!” The male nurse said, going to Minho’s side but it was already too late. Minho reached for the IV and yanked the needle-like tube from his arm. The blood sprayed all over the white sheets.

"Yah! Private Choi! Stop!” The nurse said again and also went to the opposite side of the bed. When Minho looked at him, he only saw red. As soon as he made the motion that he was about to get up, Doctor Kwang instructed the nurse to restrain him.

The nurse grabbed each of Minho’s arms to keep him from essentially escaping. Once he realized this he immediately struggled. He began thrashing in his grasp but made no avail. 

"Private Choi, you need to calm down!” The nurse grunted out. But it was easier said than done. It evidently meant nothing to Minho as he continued to try to fight him off. 

In desperation, Minho screamed. 

Just as he did so, Soyoung came flying into the room with a filled syringe needle. She wasted no time in handing off the needle to Doctor Kwang. She was too shaken up at what was happening. The doctor turned to the male nurse who was restraining Minho. 

"Private Choi, you’re going to need to be still for this,” Kwang instructed. Minho saw the needle and it only made the situation worse. With whatever strength he had, he kept fighting for his arms to be free, but the nurse practically locked Minho’s arm from any movement. 

"No! Don’t touch me!” Minho finally demanded. “Get off of me! Get away from me!”

Doctor Kwang found a sanitized wipe and with the help of the male nurse, Minho’s arm was stable enough for him to inject the needle. 

"No! Stop! Stop!” He was begging at this point but it all went unheard. The needle broke through his skin with the medication entering his bloodstream. 

Once Doctor Kwang removed the needle, he stepped back. The room was quiet, holding their breath almost, waiting to see what type of reaction would come from Minho. 

The male nurse still held onto him tightly so he would cease any movement. In less than a minute, Minho felt groggy and slow. His eyelids were becoming heavy and was fighting consciousness. He could feel the built up tears fall from his eyes the more he tried to fight back but the drug was consuming him. 

The last thing he remembered hearing before knocking out completely was, “get him back into bed. We’ll have to observe him.” 

Then pitch black. 

When Minho woke up, it was dark.

His surroundings all around him were back at the camp, back in his small cell of concrete walls. There was a dull throb by his ribs and even when he tried to take a deep breath, it pained him to do so. 

Minho noticed that there was no door to his cell. However, there was a light. It was dim but enough to peel his curiosity. He slowly rose to his feet and walked closer to this dim light to what would have been the door to his cell and the main area of the prison. But this door actually led him to the outside. 

He was cautious at first, looking to his right and his left. Minho didn’t feel that there was any threat nearby but he knew better. He walked further into the open grass field of the outside but sure enough, in the distance, was the South Korean border. His heart suddenly started hammering in his chest. This was his chance, his chance to be free. 

Just as Minho took his first step, a hand from behind clapped on his shoulder. 

Immediately, Minho felt his blood run cold. 

Ever so slowly, he turned around to face whomever had stopped him. Minho fully turned around and to his horrifying discovery, it was Daejung, his body covered in bullet holes and the blood that seeped into his uniform. 

"I told you not to look back. Why did you do that?” Daejung asked in a monotone voice. 

Minho was speechless, in fact, he took a step back only for the other soldier to take a step forward. 

"Your freedom cost me my life. This is the pay that I get for helping you and now what can you possibly do for me?” Daejung spat the more he kept getting closer to Minho. 

"And do you really call yourself a soldier?” Daejung asked and took one more step so that both of their faces were practically inches apart. 

"It's all your fault.” Daejung said flatly until he raised his hands and pushed Minho to fall back into a dark black abyss that wasn’t there before. It was the deepest depths of being underwater. Minho was being pulled by an unknown force and the surface was shrinking in size by the second.  

It was his fault that he couldn’t protect umma.

It was his fault he couldn’t be a better brother to Taemin. 

It was his fault that they both were thrown out of the house.

It was his fault that he wasn’t there for Sohee and Haneul. 

It's all your fault.

It's all your fault.

It's all your fault. 

Minho could feel himself suffocating. Even when he tried to swim to the surface he suddenly came to realize they were leather straps with buckles that somehow managed to wrap around his wrists and ankles, anchoring him down. There was no way he could escape from the depths. 

The bubbles kept escaping from his nose and mouth while desperately trying to reach the surface. But it was getting farther and farther away… 

It's all your fault.

Minho’s eyes fluttered open and he immediately sat up in his hospital bed. He was breathless. Sweating. His heart was hammering in his chest. His eyes darted to the right where the window was and it was already dark outside. He remembered it was day time earlier. How long had he been knocked out? 

He looked around his room again. Nothing out of the ordinary. He slowly laid back down against the pillows. The room was dim and quiet (minus the beeping coming from the machines nearby.) Minho felt uncomfortable, which was partially due to coming down from an adrenaline rush. But it was also because he didn’t like this feeling of downright despair. 

It was an overwhelming feeling and he didn’t know how to react other than tears starting to brim his eyes. He felt hopeless. With the back of his hand, he tried to hush his sobs by covering his mouth. He hated crying and even though he was alone, it was the last thing he wanted anyone to see. 

Of course, it just happened to be convenient that there were a couple of soft knocks outside the door. He didn’t even bother to respond as a different nurse had entered the room. He composed himself and quickly wiped at his eyes while he heard the nurse come closer to him. Minho looked over to his side to see the nurse had placed a tray on the overbed table for him and wheeled it close so that it hovered over his lap.

"Do you need help eating?” Asked the nurse. 

Minho stoically stared at the food in front of him but said nothing. He wasn’t hungry. He hadn’t had much of an appetite and shook his head. 

The nurse said nothing and checked his machines that measured his vitals, writing down notes in his charts. After a few moments of scribbling whatever she needed, she looked back to Minho and raised her brow at him. 

"You should eat at least something,” she advised. “Being 49 kg is not a lot and you really need some nutrition in you.” 

There was not much else to say. He didn’t bother looking at her and she must have sensed this. What caught him off guard was when she didn’t leave, but instead reached for his metal spoon. 

He watched her scoop up some of the rice and dip it into the soup for him. It was a decent helping and she offered it to him. Minho stared at the spoon and on instinct, leaned his head back, even turning his face away like a stubborn child. 

The nurse tried feeding him again but he refused. In fact, it was infuriating. Finally, he shot a glare at the nurse, who almost jumped by the look in his eyes. 

"If you knew what was best for you, you’d leave me alone.” Minho told her flatly. 

It caused her to react, that was for sure. Her eyebrows raised high onto her forehead by his words. Minho could feel that what he said was definitely out of character for him but he was irritable and he didn’t know why. But he knew that being fed like a baby was not helping. 

"I'm not a child,” He added before she could decide to try and feed him again. “I’m a marine. Do you know what I’m capable of?” 

The nurse remained silent and lowered the spoon. It was obvious she was unsure if she should even answer him. 

"Well? Do you?” He spat while he sat up to lean closer to her. Now it was her turn to take a couple of steps back away from him. She bit her lip and quickly shook her head to him. 

"Then don’t with me.” Minho warned. He glanced down at the food and pushed the table on wheels away from him. The tray almost slid off the table itself if the nurse hadn’t caught it in time. She looked up at him with such surprise but he didn’t care. 

He laid back against the pillows and looked out the window. From the corner of his eyes, he could tell she was still standing there. She was shocked, he knew that much. Even in the silence, Minho knew this wasn’t him. But he didn’t care if his actions hurt her feelings, he just felt drained and upset. So much that his vision became blurred from another fresh set of tears. 

The nurse said nothing except to take the tray of food back with her and leave his room. 

Now that Minho knew he was alone, he buried his face into his hands and sobbed.

Hey guys... long time no update, huh? 

I just want to thank you all for waiting so long for my terrible self to update anything at all. I've always thought of coming back to this story but have been stumped for so long on how to continue it... but I think finally putting it out there that Minho needs some help, is definitely a step in the direction on how I want this story to go. It's a step closer to what we all want, which is Minho to get help but.. not quite yet lol I know, I'm evil 

As always, let me know what you guys think on this chapter! I'm hoping that the next chapter won't take as long to upload. Can't believe we're getting SHINee comeback so soon, too! So I'll be preoccupied with that too kek 

And thank you, once again~

-M

(**ganhosa = nurse.)