May 1st 2021

"I'm at my wits end. I feel that I worry about him more when he’s home than when he was away.” 

"I'm sure you have. He most definitely is not the same since he was released…”

"It's very hard, Kibum." Sohee said, her voice breaking as she tried her best to speak. 

"Every day is exhausting. Taemin and I don’t know which way to turn with him sometimes. One day he’ll be fine, the next day he’s just someone we don’t recognize. He’s so closed off from us and on the days where it's the worst, he’ll even close off Haneul.” Sohee explained to Kibum, who sat across from her at the small table at the coffee shop. The very one that both her husband and Key had met up weeks prior. 

As he at across from her, he could see the pain she was in. It hurt him to know that his very good friends were suffering like this. It had roughly been only about two months since Minho had been released from the military but to imagine where he was before then, Kibum couldn’t even begin to think about it. 

"How's Taemin-ah with all of this?” Kibum asked while he leaned in to take a sip of his coffee. Sohee sighed and shrugged her shoulders. 

"He doesn’t say much to me. I think he’s trying to keep everyone leveled but I know it’s frustrating for him… or more like it has been ever since Minho was deployed and came back home.” She explained. “But I know he has a limit on himself for how much he can take. It makes me feel so bad for him because I know how close they both are.”

Kibum hummed as he took another sip from his coffee cup. There was no need for her to explain further the closeness between the two brothers, Kibum was very much aware of it. Hell, he was aware of how they both were like the back of his hand. But he wanted insight on the younger brother because as everyone knew, when it came to his older brother, Taemin would never go against him. 

"I just don’t know what to do anymore.” Sohee finally choked out. It brought Kibum out of his thoughts when he saw her quietly sobbing across from him. He should’ve known this was bound to happen. He bit his lip while reaching into the pocket of his blazer to find one of those small packaged tissues. (He always kept it handy because of allergies.)

"Aigo, Sohee-ah, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to upset you.” He said apologetically as he slid the tissues over to her. She couldn’t say anything but nod her head to gesture her “thank you” to him and took the tissues from him. As he watched her try to contain herself, he sighed deeply while he pushed his bangs back and away from his face. 

"I know that this isn’t something that anyone wants to hear, but,” Kibum started once he felt that she was a bit more composed. “If you want my medical opinion, but more so, being an honest friend, it would be best that Minho admit himself to some form of therapy.” 

Sohee looked up at him and tilted her head, looking at him quizzically. Kibum half expected that. Being a psychologist in South Korea wasn’t necessarily an easy career, (right alongside working in a school for deaf children) but it was an honest job. It was a job that a lot of the time, Kibum, and the rest of the therapists in South Korea found clients scarcely. 

"Therapy?” She asked but it wasn’t in the tone that she was offended. If anything, at this point, Sohee was desperate. Kibum nodded his head at her. 

"Ne, there are special programs out there, especially for war veterans or those who served the army. I think it would be best for him to maybe be able to express what's going on up here,” He said while pointing a finger to his own head. “Keeping it all locked up inside is pretty damaging stuff, as you can clearly see.”

Sohee nodded her head quietly in thought. It worried her because she knew that there was a good chance that Minho would decline the offer. It would take a lot of convincing but everything that Kibum was telling her was making a lot of sense that she couldn’t deny. 

"It won’t be easy,” Kibum started again after a few minutes. “It’ll be a process, knowing Minho, knowing his pride, he won’t take the idea lightly. I’ll definitely be there to help you.” He said confidentially, hoping that it would give Sohee some type of reassurance. He could see that she perked up a little and nodded her head in agreement while wiping the tears from her cheeks. 

He smiled warmly in return as there was a brief moment between the two of them. Besides Sohee reaching out to Kibum for help, there was also another reason why he had agreed to meet up with her. There was something else he had been wanting to tell her. It wasn’t going to be easy to share, but he figured telling Sohee was his best and only option. There would have been no way he could tell Minho… maybe Taemin, but Kibum knew that by telling Taemin would probably cause even more mental anguish than what he had already gone through these past few months.

"Also… Sohee-ah…”

"Ne?”

Kibum fiddled with his half empty disposable cup of coffee. She perked her head up at him as he reached into his pants pocket and fished out a piece of folded paper. Carefully he slid the paper close to her and Sohee leaned back a little. 

"This is for you… I’ve had a hard time keeping it to myself and had been wondering when would be a good time to reveal this. I know it may not be the best of times, but I wanted to give this to you in person.” He said while trying to hide his nervous chuckling. Sohee glanced up from the paper to Kibum. Her heart was racing in her chest and her hands had become clammy. 

"I wanted to meet with you not only to help you and Minho … but also because I wanted to tell you that his umma reached out to me.” He blurted out.

Sohee blinked once. She was frozen in her chair.

"She actually reached out to my umma. I was surprised she kept in touch after all these years. She asked if I was still in contact with Minho and well… Umma Kim couldn’t lie.” Kibum explained and nervously chuckled again before becoming serious. 

"I know Minho hasn’t had the best relationship with his umma… but for her to reach out after so long… I think it probably would be better if you reached out to her.”

Sohee silently bit her lip as she carefully slid the paper towards her. 

***

"You know there is no such thing as ‘extra credit’, Lee Taemin. This is college, not high school.” Professor Gong said while shuffling students papers into a neat stack. 

The class room was empty, but Taemin had stayed behind. As he stood across his professor, he could feel his heart sink. But what else did he expect? Professor Gong was right and there was no changing that. 

"Can I at least redo some assignments that had lower scores?” Taemin asked but at this point he was practically begging. He could feel a lump had caught in his throat before realizing he was on the verge of tears. The year was close to being over which meant getting close to graduation, but what good was graduation if you couldn’t pass? 

The older man looked up at Taemin from under his glasses and raised a slightly graying eyebrow. “Unfortunately that’s not how improving your grade works. At least not for my class.” 

Taemin bit his lip. He truly felt defeated, and a sudden spurt of anxiety as he knew he only had weeks left to get his grades up. He decided it was no use in trying to convince his professor. 

"I understand,” Taemin said quietly before nodding his head. “Thank you.” 

Professor Gong stood in silence while watching Taemin bow politely to him. He was about to turn to leave the classroom before Gong stopped him. 

"Taemin, are you alright?” 

Taemin looked back at the older man. At that moment, his professor looked quite concerned. Professor Gong wasn’t a rude or harsh instructor by any means, but he was stern. He was a man who went by the rules and a firm believer that hard work prevailed. So Taemin felt a little caught off guard that his professor would ask such a question. Then again, he is the psychology professor after all.

"Ne, I’m alright. Thank you.” Taemin said politely and added a smile to be more convincing. Before his professor could say anything more, Taemin gave a quick bow before almost running out of the classroom. 

Now that he was alone in the hallway, Taemin decided to head towards the bathroom. He found the nearest one and entered it quickly. Taemin looked through the stalls to find that they were empty and confirmed he was alone. He sighed of relief and turned towards the mirror and hand sinks.

He looked at his reflection and immediately didn’t like what he saw. 

Taemin was failing this year, again. 

The countless nights he stayed up studying.

The study sessions he had with his friends and one on one studying he had with Jinki.

But then he thought of the many days and nights this year he couldn’t get to homework because he was helping Sohee with Haneul. The days and nights worrying about his brother. Even when Minho returned from the military, it only added more stress by keeping Haneul busy and distracted by his brother’s drastic change.

It had all piled up on Taemin. 

He was tired. No, he was exhausted. 

It didn’t matter how hard he tried on either end, whether it was at home or school, he felt as though he failed everyone and everything. In the back of Taemin’s mind, Minho’s voice echoed: 

"This is all you have to show for this year? Are you serious? Did you even try?” 

"I didn’t just raise you most of your life for no reason only for you to fail out of university.”

"Everything that I’ve done for you and this is what I get in return?”

Taemin took his messenger bag off his shoulder and with all his might and anger, threw it at his reflection in the mirror. He was lucky it didn’t shatter or break, only leaving a decent sized indent.

He leaned forward and gripped one of the sinks. While hanging his head low, he thought about the year he failed. Taemin remembered how bad he felt for disappointing Minho. He didn’t want to do that again. The difference this time around, Taemin was really trying but instead of going out and ignoring his assignments, he was helping his family… Minho’s family. 

Warm tears pricked Taemin’s eyes. He was frustrated. He felt defeated. But he also felt very resentful. It was Minho’s fault for everything that had happened since he left and even more so since he came back. 

Taemin raised his head to look at his reflection. He quickly wiped his eyes and face from the stray tears that fell. 

He sighed.

He didn’t even want to go home. 

He didn’t know what he wanted to do anymore. 

Taemin decided to leave the bathroom. He gathered his bag and quietly found himself back in the hallway again. However, he knew where his next destination was going to be. He ventured down the hallways that had begun to pick up chatter from other students that were either waiting for their next class or meeting up with friends. 

Eventually, Taemin found the university’s library. He walked in silently and made a beeline to the farthest section, the most quiet place for study groups. However, in the tucked away section of the library, was a door that led to the roof of the building. Taemin and his friends had accidentally found it when curiosity got the better of them (and was more appealing than studying.)

It was a great place to study (or not) and even ditch class. 

But this time around, Taemin wasn’t going to study or ditch a class. He looked around carefully to make sure no one was around before he softly opened the door that showed the staircase. As quietly as he had opened the door was how he closed it behind him. Taemin climbed the stairs that were literally a straight shot from the library to the roof. It was only about ten or so stairs and it didn't take long for Taemin to reach the second door to the roof.

As he opened the door, the breeze and sunshine hit his face immediately. He felt his hair whip up suddenly from the breeze. It was a really nice day. But for whatever reason, Taemin couldn’t feel it. He let the door close behind him and he stepped out onto the roof. He remembered how last year when he and his friends spent countless hours up here, talking about everything else but school. The girls they had interests in, the newest trends on TikTok, and what they wanted to do in their life. 

Taemin let his messenger bag fall from his shoulder and he walked the length of the roof. When he reached the very edge of the roof, he looked down below him. He saw clusters of students walking in groups or standing with each other, talking and laughing. Taemin wished that he could be like the other students. He knew most of them weren’t going through even an ounce of what he was going through. But he knew that everyone else knew what he was going through and it bothered him. 

He could think back when Minho first went missing, how bad everyone had felt for Taemin. He hated to admit it, but he liked the attention that he received. He liked how most of his professors often gave him leeway for assignments or tests but now that was all over and done with. Everyone noticed when Taemin would come into class how tired he was, how he barely focused anymore, and eventually, how he became the lowest student on test scores. 

Taemin felt the warmth return to his eyes and this time he let the tears become heavy enough to fall down his face. As he stood on the edge of the roof, he wished he had tried harder in school. He wished he was a better brother, a better uncle, a better person. But mostly, he wished that he had a different life. He wished that he wasn’t who he was. As Taemin continued to look down, the thought did cross his mind, but the thought alone was enough to bring him back to reality. He caught his breath and stepped back. He suddenly felt flushed all over his face but the sweat felt cold. His hands were clammy and Taemin finally sat down. 

The breeze swept through and ruffled the top layer of his hair. He didn’t know how else to react than clapping a hand over his mouth to muffle his sobs. He could hear Minho in the back of his mind, telling him to stop crying…

"That’s all you ever do is cry! it up!” Minho told him when they were young. 

"I'm sorry, hyung. I can’t help it.” 

"Well start helping it. It’s annoying. You don’t see me crying.” 

But Taemin couldn’t stop himself like he would’ve been able to if Minho was standing right next to him. He went to hold his head in his hands as he quietly sobbed on the roof of the school, feeling full of regret. 

***

There were soft nudges against his forearm. 

"Appa.” The little voice followed. 

Minho could hear Haneul’s voice. 

There were more nudges from small hands against his arm. Minho was sleeping on his stomach in bed. His eyelids finally fluttered open and focused on Haneul. The young boy had his lower lip jutted out in slight frustration. 

"Appa, can you wake up now?” Hanuel asked in a whiny tone. 

Minho furrowed his eyebrows at how bright the sun was shining in the bedroom that immediately gave him a headache. Without saying anything, Minho reached for his phone that rested on the nightstand next to the bed to look at the time. 

It was close to eleven in the morning.

"Appa, why are you sleeping so much?” Haneul whined again. 

Pain immediately shot up his spine and made Minho drop his phone. It fumbled onto the floor and he groaned. This onset of pain was unlike anything he had felt since he’d been home. 

"Appa! Wake up!” Haneul tried again. 

Minho glared up at the child. There wasn’t anything that Minho wanted to do but sleep the day away. He knew he couldn’t but he felt so paralyzed with pain and the pounding in his head that he couldn’t find it in him to get up. In fact, he started closing his eyes and Haneul became a blur…

It was still cold.

"Are you sure about this?” He asked.

The other shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not. But I know it’s a sure way to get you back home. If you want to get back home that is.” 

Minho remembered hiding around the corner. It was just around dawn and despite the early morning cold, he was sweating. 

If he wasn’t careful… it could be the last time he was alive. As much as he tried to force the thought out from his mind, he couldn’t help himself but think this could be the final moments of his life.

Minho saw the signal and it was time. 

Run.

Run in zig zags. 

Don’t look back.

Don’t stop. 

Keep your focus on the door.

Reach the door. 

Pound on it with your fists.

Make all the noise you can.

Cross back into South Korea.

Be free. 

Gun shots.

Screaming. 

When he looked back and saw the other male drop to his knees, the blood flooding from his mouth, there was a smile. A smile that would haunt Minho for a very long time. A smile that would be engraved in his thoughts and mind and eventually end up feeling immediate guilt.

At that point, Minho finally opened his eyes and sat up suddenly. He immediately felt nauseous. He held his head as his mind felt foggy. However, he was alert enough to hear there was commotion downstairs. Someone was yelling. He couldn’t tell who it was but it piqued his curiosity enough for him to finally get out of bed and head down. Minho’s first thought was that someone had broken into his home but the moment that he reached the landing of the stairs, he was greeted with an angry Sohee. 

She was knelt before Haneul, who hadn’t even been dressed for the day. He still was in his pajamas from the night before. She cupped her hands around Haneul’s cheeks, holding him as she had been listening to him before Minho made his appearance. When she glanced up to finally see him, he could see that she was hurt. 

What broke through almost immediately was hearing Haneul’s little sobs. Minho suddenly felt the need to protect him but stopped the moment Sohee took Haneul into her arms and backed away from him. 

"What’s wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?” Minho didn’t ask, but demanded. Sohee was beyond angry and it showed. She shook her head at him and it equally made him just as angry when he made another attempt to come near them and she backed away towards the front door. 

"Minho, do you even know what time it is?” Sohee finally asked. Minho stopped again and blinked at her question. He actually didn’t know what time it was and the last time he had even looked at the time was when it was eleven in the morning. It bothered him that he couldn’t give her an answer. 

"Minho, it’s already 3:30 in the afternoon!” Sohee blurted out. “You’ve been sleeping all day and Haneul has been by himself! You couldn’t even watch your son?” 

Minho could almost feel his heart sink. He didn’t know what to say or how to react. He wanted to make it better but how could he do that? How could he have done what he did? When Minho took another step forward, she stepped back. It frustrated him and it showed as he furrowed his thick eyebrows. 

"Will you stop moving away from me?” He demanded again, and this time his voice had gotten louder. His angered voice caused Haneul to cling to Sohee tighter and he let out a small cry. It was the cry of fear of hearing both his parents argue and it was a sound that was heartbreaking for both parents. 

It was only a brief moment between the both of them when they both heard the doorknob from the front door jiggle. It was as if they were both holding their breaths until finally the door opened and quietly, Taemin stepped into view. When he looked up, he almost jumped seeing the sight of both Minho and Sohee standing as they were, but his eyes fell on Haneul’s eyes that were already red and puffy from tears. His small arms reaching out for him. 

"Taemin Samchon!” Haneul cried out. It was as if Taemin had come at the perfect time to be his nephew’s savior. Taemin looked between both Minho and Sohee but it was hard to even gather anything else when all Haneul did was cry out for his uncle and try to wriggle out of Sohee’s arms. 

"Temin-ah, can you take Haneul to his room, please?” Sohee asked in frustration and like the obedient type of person Taemin was, he nodded. 

"Ne, I’ll take him, noona.” He responded while holding his arms out for his nephew. Although, he could feel the sting of Minho’s eyes piercing at him. When he turned back around, he was exactly right. It was obvious that Minho was upset and if Taemin had to be honest, he didn’t want to stick around to find what it was about either. 

"He's my son, I’ll take him to his room.” Minho said sternly. Taemin bit his lip unsure of what to even say but he almost didn’t have to say anything when Haneul let out a squeal while saying a loud NO. He buried his face in Taemin’s shoulder and clung to his uncle so tight that Taemin thought the young boy was about to break off his own limbs. 

Taemin felt nervous as he saw the taken aback look that Minho had on his face. He looked back at Sohee, who only urged him to go upstairs. He had no other choice but to bite his lip nervously while bowing his head and walking past Minho to the stairs. Haneul continued his muffled cries while Taemin carried him, even as his uncle tried to gently hush him, Haneul’s cries wouldn’t be silenced until Taemin finally closed his bedroom door. 

Now that it was just both Minho and Sohee alone, there was silence between them until Minho finally broke it. 

"Sohee-ah… I’m sorry…” He began in a much quieter voice. When he looked up at her, she was already shaking her head and wiping away tears. Not even his verbal forgiveness was enough, and he knew that, but he was at a loss. What happened was a mistake that he didn’t mean to happen but it did anyways. In his mind, he blamed himself, and he kept questioning himself why he didn’t wake up, why he was so exhausted. There was only one true answer but he didn’t want to acknowledge it because it wasn’t acceptable to him. 

He wanted to believe that he was fine, he was normal. 

But day by day, it was starting to become hard to believe.

Even to Minho.

A/N: hi everyone! 

I'm sorry for the long disappearance. I've been working a lot since the last update and haven't had too much free time to actually sit down and write. This chapter wasn't really good so I'm really sorry if it let you all down :( I actually have a bit of a outline of how I'd like the story to go! It's just finding the time to sit down and write it!! 

So I hope you all have been well~ thank you all for waiting for me! and I'm sorry to have kept you waiting! TT 

--M