Days goes on with me writing journal to her and submit to her every 7pm , she said it would benefit me for the future but I still didn't see quiet any importance of it , .. I've also decided to save her with another nickname haha

Sanake - so what will you be doing today?

dubu - I'll just write them all on the journal , you'll know~~

sanake - ahh.. don't forget your deadline *wink emoji*.

dubu - hmm and you?

sanake - today I've finally deleted the game

dubu - whyyy.. I thought you really loved ittt

I really loved our gaming interactions and all besides she really loved it like really! whyyyyyyy just why would she wanted to deleted her happiness ... like uffssss

sanake - I got too invested in it , not good for me anymore hmm

dubu - still.... aishhh

sanake - no worries now I will concentrate on myself more again , my dark circles are making me ugly already aishh

dubu - I still couldn't believe it

sanake - hmmhmm believe babe...

- I've put on light make-up how do I look?

- *inserted 4 selfies*

 

I laugh at her different closed pose .. but she looks pretty

dubu - I see no make up.. that's still you haha

sanake - nono.. look at my eyes ~~ how could you miss them!

dubu - sorry but I just .. don't haha

then she sent a closed up focus of her eyes .. yes there's some tint of reddish colour but just so natural ya know~~

sanake - okay let me show you my gorgeous make up face hmm!

- *inserted selfies*

dubu - Is that even you??

sanake - yesyes how pretty I am right~~

dubu - nah.. I don't like over make-ups .. sometimes they scare me .. like you here you look scary weezz

sanake - tf.. how could you!

- delete them all .. why do I always send them~~*annoyed emoji*

dubu - nahh.. I'll keep them all and spam them on your birthday.. hmm

sanake - that's still a long long months away , who knows whether we'd still talk like this

dubu - under any circumstances .. I still will haha

 

                Sana excused herself saying she needs to read some books and meditate .. well she always meditate like that even work ?? Some one of a kind she is ... But will we really stop talking one day? I never cut connections .. we've been constantly replying to each other and what if it stops just in a moment? What will happen.... What can happen .. I think.. I will miss her cause I always do .. But why would I miss her ? I know that one reason... ' I might've like her', But why don't I have any butterfly feelings like I used to ? I would've just knew it long before I'm even asking these questions right? Why is she so different! Why is she making me so fk confuse! Still why do I get this uptight loneliness when I think she'd leave someday??

Minatozaki Sana do I like you??

                         Will she even like me? Did she really have magic ? The way she came in my life.. Or did she remember her past life and in that life we were together and now she finally find me .. or did she came from the future and then I've died and she came to see me still alive and well ... and why these theories I've came up with such a nonsense! SANA you're really making me crazy .. just who are you to me?

                       All drained I am! I need some tea .. tea?? and why did I even drink tea now because she said it? Why I decided to write journal to her every night ... SANAAAAAA..

                   I went to the kitchen and got surprised to see Mom with her big grocery bag ... I was shock! The isolation is finally over and mom was about to go for shopping... does this mean maybe ... maybeee I'll be able to see her for real.. does this ..

Mom - why are you smiling like that out of nowhere .. you look weird .. send me things you need through text and don't mess the house while I'm away ..

Then Mom left ... I touch my lips ..

dubu - you guys were really smiling ?? wow .. I didn't even know ...

                         I laugh ... okay maybe I like her a little ~~ and okayyyy I'll just be as I am now , no more overthinking... I'll just accept us this way .. this is rather calming , to come think of it .. because of you I cared a little for my assignments , care more about my health and with everyone around me saying , I Look happy these days too... hmm I also loved it this way .. it doesn't matter whether I like you or not.. just talking to you gives me these.. *smiles*

                          Night came , maybe she slept a little in the noon , she still haven't replied my text yet , I went on to do my assignments while waiting for her .. listenning to her spotify playlist ,,, tbh I've always listened to her playlist everyday ... and even if I like her... It'll be like a lift off of my usual burden .. she's no christian and even said her parents were quiet open to this kind of relationships ... It'll be like a smooth journey with her .. *smiles*

sanake - what were you doing ?

dubu - doing assignments .. and were you sleeping ?

sanake - yesss a nice long nap .. just finish eating

dubu - do you know isolation's over now !

sanake - yess.. goodgood news

- we can also finally came to meet you!

dubu - nono don't come I didn't want you here~~

sanake - don't worry we will come muhaha

- Momo even said we would have sleepovers!

dubu - yeye you two should have it...

sanake - yesyes in your place *smirk emoji*

dubu - no way in forever ........................

 

Okay ... I just realised something , I really wanna see her but I didn't want her to see me .. Yes I'm not confident enough to face her .. srsly she's pretty and I'm just this and I'd just shoo her off right?.. I don't think she'd saw what she have expected of me .. Besides what if I came to like her more and get fully attached when I finally saw her ... she can make me this strange through messages only .. yes I'm afraid I'd fall for her ... I didn't wanna fall for anybody anymore but If I do fall for her it'd be the first time after my first love .. it'd be like a miracle .. Is this why I'm afraid ?

 

then , I really wanna ask her something ...

dubu - you said you have one boyfriend before and you just cannot have feelings for him right?

sanake - hmm and did came out I'm an aual muhaha

dubu - you sure you don't have feelings for girls?

sanake - yepp...

Then what are we to you?

dubu - okay .. good for you

I sigh... she said she don't understand feelings right? Maybe she don't understand about us too? Even me who is used to having feelings for just anyone could get really confused .. or am I making up false hints for myself ..

 

sanake - Oooo... I know you like me but don't , you're my bro remember ..

and she would always say this but from the very first time we talk , we never talk like friends but not as lover as well ... am I in for another unrequited love again? which is s and I want out before I went too deep .. since I'm out of words I cannot reply her yet...

sanake - wanna see my boyfriend ...

 

Boyfriend ?? I know she lies alot and likes to annoy me with it alot but..

sanake - *inserted pictures*

I thought she'd send some celebrities but he look like a normal person.. really like a boyfriend type ... but I still didn't wanna believe it , she lied just so many times ..

dubu - like i'd believe it haha..

sanake - I'm sorry I lied about it but I really do have a boyfriend , we're just in a distance and now he's finally back ..*smile emoji*

 

Is it that now she's scared that I would fall for her and finally revealing that she's having a boyfriend.. if it is..

 

And it hits me ... My past .. That first love , she also hides about her relationship and gave me all hopes and colours untill one day she just left me in a chaos with her boyfriend .. I never ever wanna crush on a person who's in a realtionship because I can fall too much and once it's in its peak , I'd lose control and I cannot unlove them again .. which is why I'd make sure they were single ... But jiyeon lied and left me a scar of my life , the scar that let me behave like this , I'm not a playgirl but I cannot like a person anymore and end up like a playgirl even with me trying to have feelings for them ... and it lets me to stop believing in love .. Why I look so coldhearted betraying their love for me just because I have a temporary feelings for them which I have no control of ... and I hate people like jiyeon now ... fake aff!!

I replied her in the same as I used to but with a gritted teeth ... yes I am very very angry ... I trust Sana so much , almost like an idol and a teacher and just thinking her turning out to be just like jiyeon breaks my heart .. it fk hurts to trust !

 

dubu - he looks ugly though

sanake - but perfect in my eyes

dubu - *kissing stickers*

sanake - I'm sorry but my boyfriend don't allow to receive this kind of stickers

dubu - *kissing stickers*x 10 more

I excused myself saying I need an early sleep .. and after a long time posted on my story the word 'FAKE PPL'

 

She said she cannot have feelings ... she talked to me first with that cause .. she makes me feel this way , leading me on just justtt like jiyeon did ... why , why are people like this?? What would they even benefitted for this ... Sana I told you everything about my past , why would you wanna repeat this again .. you know everything .. EVERY FK THING! My eyes became watery due to my anger , I cannot breathe normally... Of all people why you Sana ... I trusted and listened to you .. I hate you!

 

NO , my feelings for jiyeon was long gone but the scars never left , this is what happens when you fall in love ... love .. love never do me right .. and NO I didn't love Sana yet ... It'll be really easy now to leave .. My perspection on her changed .. now I am really disgusted of her ... let this kind of person receive karma too GOD .. it's not fair !

I was surprised to see my tears rolling down.. wow it's been a while since I've cried .. hello again ... why won't you ever cried for someone worth it .. *sigh*