Summer break was in full swing by now. Jinki was left more unsure what to do with himself than ever.

 

The teenager sighed and stretched in the hot summer air. He leaned back in chair at the small table he sat at outside a tiny café, barely eating. In fact, he was sure the past couple months, the stress had got to him, dropping pounds more than he had in a quite a while. Too bad he couldn’t say the same about the acne breakouts on his face flaring up again. Moments like that were when Jinki was glad he needed glasses, so he could hide behind them.

 

Sipping a simple drink, Jinki’s eyes were drawn at two young boys playing across the street. He smiled remembering when he first met Minho.

 

Jinki tugged at his backpack, lips pressed as he thought about what he wanted to do next. He was bored, and he liked to think he had any friend to call on to play with, but he knew that wasn’t true, and he had grown out of imaginary friends. School was out and he had no piano lessons so no one had much time for the eleven-year-old. It’s times like these when Jinki missed grandparents most. His grandfather was the last to pass, only a year ago, causing parents to be busier than before each passing and Jinki a little lonelier. He still remembered the last time his grandpa took him out for a fun getaway. He missed it.

 

He thought about his parents shop, wondering if anyone had dropped off some chickens on special, ones they would have to process themselves, but that meant it was like Jinki had his own pets for a little while – kind of like real friends. He thought about how fun it was to hold out an empty hand or drop little specks of dirt, pretend to have food as the chickens clucked around him excitedly while he grinned. It gave him a sudden naughty giggle.

 

Probably, parents would want Jinki to go home to a quiet bedroom and study. Jinki frowned. As his steps slowed, a noise nearby caught his attention.

 

Jinki peeked around the bleachers of a park’s large lane of grassy soccer fields, gaining closer to a quiet sob. There was a kid sitting on an empty soccer field near the opened park’s bleachers. The kid had to be a couple years younger than Jinki. He squinted his slightly poor eyesight, looking closer to the back turned to him. Maybe he should tug his glasses out of his bag. Jinki decided against it. He found the kid was pulling grass between fists and mumbling to himself.

 

Jinki held his backpack as he quietly approached the boy from behind, eyes wandering around for anyone else nearby or at least an adult. There was no one.

 

“It’s not fair…” Jinki could now hear the pout in the child’s quite mumble.

 

Jinki thought a moment, slightly hesitating before he got the nerve to ask, “What’s not fair?”

 

The boy turned to him, big brown eyes wide and watery. He viciously wiped at his eyes, stuttering out in a thick lisp, as if he still oddly struggled with proper pronunciation by his age. “N-Nothings. I.. nothing.” He turned away from Jinki’s sudden smile.

 

He had never quite seen eyes like that on a boy before. He almost questioned if the younger person was a girl; those eyes while dressed in cute hot pink shorts and a white top with socks that nearly sparkled in the sunlight, not dressed like anyone else on the field that day. Nah, that wasn’t right. But those unusual eyes, they were now imprinted in his mind. He didn’t want them to be sad though. He wanted to see what those large eyes looked like full of happiness.

 

The young boy wouldn’t turn back.

 

Jinki almost pouted then, hoping he didn’t make a bad impression or something, a talent he seemed to be good at around the kids in his school. He was only trying to help. He nodded to himself, resolve set while he hurried up to the boy and sat down right beside him. Jinki listen to the boy sniff and shuffle away from him slightly. Jinki pulled his backpack off, looking for something inside. It cheered him up, why not someone else too?

 

Jinki pulled out a candy bar, grinning to himself and his perfect plan, and glad he shoved that candy into his bag before leaving his home that day. Really, who could resist candy? Sweets were the best, food was the best, and the eleven-year-old’s chubby cheeks and slight belly were proof enough. Jinki ripped it open with a loud obvious sigh, then took a small bite.

 

“Were you playing?” Jinki asked, chewing and taking in the younger boy’s tattered appearance. He was tempted to smooth down short black hair frizzed out everywhere.

 

“Y-yeah..”

 

“Hmm..” Jinki took another small bite, “You win?” He glanced down the long field at a small group of boys shouting and running around the second field playing soccer.

 

There was silence after the question. Jinki looked over at the boy, who was now picking grass again while looking off at nothing. Jinki tore off a bit of his candy bar, then reached out the rest to the kid beside him.

 

“Winner or loser, everyone should have a candy bar.” Jinki smiled at his own lame words, but his eleven years believed it wholeheartedly. His smile grew when fingers pulled the wrapped candy bar from his outstretched hand.

 

“What’s your name?” Jinki asked, shoving the rest of his candy in his mouth.

 

“Minho.”

 

Jinki turned to meet big, bright eyes this time. That was the sight that would be imprinted in his mind now, those distinctively big eyes with a shinning glimmer to them, long lashes batting. He stopped chewing a moment, surprised for some reason by the sight. The boy took another bite and spoke with a full mouth.

 

“Choi Minho.” He smiled now and Jinki slowly chewed again, taking in the slightly goofy grin with squishy cheeks and tiny teeth. “This ish good.”

 

“Jinki,” he told the kid while opening his bag again. “Lee Jinki,” he offered his name without being asked first, socially awkward was something he was growing more used to in his life. It would probably only grow harder as he grew older, but at this age he couldn’t be bothered by it yet. Jinki pulled out another candy bar. He giggled when the boy’s eyes seemed to grow even bigger at the sight of more candy and he bowed deeply with a loud ‘thank you’. Would it be weird to ask how he could do that with his eyes? Jinki subconsciously tried widening his own as he looked away, but they were just too small, not double-lidded - too average.

 

When he glanced back, he found the kid looking at him with those big eyes, as if studying him for some reason, then suddenly the boy shifted his position in pink shorts and sparkly socks, sitting just like Jinki in a relaxed, cross-legged seat over the grass. Jinki blinked curiously. Minho smiled. Jinki liked that, he liked that part a lot. Minho’s eyes wondered back to the candy bar in the eleven-year-old’s hand.

 

Jinki shared that whole candy bar with Minho, too. And many in fact, some even he took from his parents shop when they weren’t looking, hoping it would go unnoticed. He had made sure to have a candy bar when he walked by the soccer field, hoping to see the boy. Maybe it was strange, but Jinki wanted to be friends with the younger boy.

 

When Jinki found Minho on the field one day, still dressed in colors and prints he expected to see a girl in, which he wore until an age Jinki wouldn’t recall, he joined the kid, discovering his team had won a game and that was why he was so excited. Bright and full of energy, and Jinki laughed and threw a candy bar at the kid, enjoying the huge smile and beaming eyes. They played a little soccer on the field together after.

 

“Did ya shees, did ya shees?” Minho pointed excitedly, characteristic pronunciation lost in squeaky slurs, words left almost misunderstood.

 

Jinki sat up, haven accidentally slipped in the grass and fallen during a chase.

 

Minho made a face. “I’ll do it again, but watch, okay?” his voice cut off in a whine.

 

Jinki nodded, rubbing his stinging knees, attention given to the kid.

 

Whatever it was Minho had done and Jinki missed, apparently balancing the soccer ball in bounces on his tiny forehead or something, he struggled to do it again, visibly growing frustrated. Jinki called him back over.

 

“I wanted you to see…” Minho mumbled, kicking the soccer ball between his feet, expression of a child who didn’t get as much attention as they wanted, or maybe even needed.

 

Jinki thought he understood.

 

Minho soon smiled again though, kicking the ball up into the air with the tip of his shoe in a wobbly fashion, but still managing to catch the ball in his hands, then he tossed it to Jinki, bubbly laugh squeaky.

 

More than ever Jinki wanted to be friends with a kid that was full of such life. He was different in a way an eleven-year-old admired for someone younger in age.

 

Minho was goofy, and Jinki soon discovered quite loud, always up to make someone laugh with a silly face or action he thought was cool for a kid his age, copying movies and comic books. The older could relate to that in the younger, always up to make someone laugh, even at his own expense. Watching someone else happy was something Jinki desired. It pushed back the loneliness he felt inside, the growing realization he didn’t quite fit into the mold he had been taught was what he should fit to, what everyone fit into, it was normal and anything outside of it was not normal- was wrong. Boys fall in love with girls, girls fall in love with boys, you grow up with lots of friends with a good education, successful job and make a family then you die happy. So lame jokes were often told, silly impressions were made, and Minho was a friend that would laugh, a friend that would some times copy just about anything Jinki mustered up, and that was somehow flattering.

 

But if Minho was sulking Jinki found a very stubborn boy to be had, hardheaded and pouty with the biggest baby-like face. Minho kept Jinki on his toes in a lot of ways. Some thing more spontaneous then the long hours at school and studies, then the small bakery his parents owned, then home to a tiny apartment that was lonely no matter how hard he smiled.

 

One day, Minho invited Jinki over for dinner and he couldn’t decline, in fact he wanted it. He rather that than return to a quiet home to eat a simple noodle dinner all alone while parents worked late hours again. Jinki smiled all the way to Minho’s home, that was a bigger apartment than his home, watching the younger play with his soccer ball and brag about an older brother and that brother’s skills at soccer. Jinki had guessed his brother was fairly close in age to Jinki and he figured Minho was pleased by that - comfortable.

 

“My dad loves soccer. He loves it sho much!” Minho made big, exaggerated motions with his skinny, little arms. The face accompanying it, big wide eyes bulging in a sight no one should be able to do, all made Jinki bend over with laughter. He still didn’t understand how anyone could pull such faces so effortlessly. It’s like a talent.

 

“Sho me and my brother loves it too,” the younger nodded, head tilting to the side with a tiny smile. “Just like dad.”

 

“I like soccer.”

 

“Everyone should love soccer.”

 

Jinki laughed at Minho’s giddiness over a popular sport, and when the opportunity arose, Jinki stole the ball from Minho’s feet, running off with it while the younger kid hollered after him and made it very clear he was going the wrong direction to his apartment complex.

 

Since those days of meeting on a soccer field, the two grew closer and Jinki obviously considered Minho his best friend even if he never spoke it aloud. Minho was definitely his most special friend out of any that have come and gone in Jinki’s life, even with a slight , and he enjoyed the company of the younger in whatever they did together. And Jinki sure had a fair share of talking the younger out of doing stupid things. When Jinki did something stupid there was no one there to talk him out of it - just Minho’s laughter or a gentle, reassuring pat from a younger friend he would forget was quite observant despite a wild personality.

 

With time, it grew to one of those friendships one tended to take for granted without meaning to.

 

 

Jinki realized that now more than ever.

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

 

Jinki lazed around, phone in his hands and body still dressed in casual clothing while hanging around a local bathhouse alone. Summer break was a great time to do so, if nothing more than to get out of the heat and relax in a spa setting.

 

No messages from Minho. No calls.

 

Minho wasn’t beside him, small head and long neck nearly swallowed up by a towel, kicking thin legs at Jinki with bubbly laughter, as they wasted time around a bathhouse and talked about the latest comic books or video games. A friend wasn’t around to wash his back and goof off in the bathrooms as they bathed.

 

Jinki sighed heavily, fingertips in an old habit brushing over his face for signs of new acne, still flared up due to stresses out of his control, leaving him hiding behind glasses again with embarrassment at the red bumps across his face. Hand dropping to the floor, he sighed once more.

 

A summer break had never felt so unfulfilling before in his life.

 

When his phone finally did ring, it was his father calling for him to come into the shop for a helping hand during busy hours.

 

 

 

 

______________

 

 

 

“Jinki!”

 

With a small smile, Jinki bowed his head, stilling his stumbling steps. He had almost dropped boxes at the shop again, not watching where he was going. He apologized to his mother, and her expression softened, reaching for her son and patting him.

 

Mother’s fix to the whole situation was to insist Jinki eat more. She was obviously worried about his gradual weight loss the last few months. Jinki blamed it all on worry over exams and entrance tests coming later that year. He didn’t mention what a lot of his stress was really centered around.

 

Jinki went to the back of the shop, apron re-fasted, ready to help out his father before he would be sent home to study, and ultimately, left alone to think too much. It had always been a problem for Jinki, over-thinking things ruining social situations because of it. Now that habit was worse than ever. He didn’t want to think.

 

Where his thoughts could lead some days scared him terribly.

 

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

 

Jinki tipped his glasses back up the pointy bridge of his nose, lips pressed, stubby fingers careful in their delicate work. It’s hot, a fan mercifully blowing cool air on him in the summer heat, while he sat in an empty home, once again building a plastic model.

 

Jinki bought a new one, using his free time on summer break to do what he loved, and that was building and putting things together, fitting pieces into the right order. Everything in life had it’s own little place, right?

 

It had been a while since he actually had the time to sit patiently and work on one. A couple years even. He remembered again how he enjoyed the quiet, and being alone. It was actually something enjoyable some days. No pressure. No expectations. Just quiet.

 

Instead of trying to wonder around hangouts schoolmates frequented during summer, try to act like he even wanted to be there, Jinki sat at home playing with a model kit like the architect he wanted to possibly become.

 

Jinki spend hours on that instead of dwelling on worries he actually couldn’t solve.

 

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

The summer was halfway through now, and still Minho wasn’t home.

 

Jinki had been invited to come on another visit though, and Jinki was packing his bag before he was off the phone with Minseok.

 

Minho had looked better when they arrived, still jumping on Minseok and hugging Jinki tightly.

 

He looked healthier than even the last time Jinki saw him - small face squishy, bony limbs a little fuller, visible skin awfully tan, few freckles on his face darker. He looked good, he looked different in Jinki’s eyes somehow. Jinki stared a little longer at Minho than he should, noticing his lengthy black hair that just seemed to keep growing longer without any haircuts. It was a different look on him. It looked- Jinki wasn’t sure what to call it, how he looked different to Jinki, but his eyes were drawn to him a lot.

 

Minho smiled though.

 

Jinki grinned, reassured in Minho’s progress.

 

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

Minho was quieter this dinner, chopsticks lingering at his mouth while he stared through his food. When Jinki tried to make funny faces with his meal and chopsticks, Minho smiled, laughed even, leaning on his brother who grinned at Jinki’s display.

 

Jinki felt slightly stupid in front of everyone, but it was worth it getting the reaction he did from Minho. Making people happy, it’s what Jinki was good at, or thought he was. It’s what buried an unsettling part of himself again.

 

So Jinki laughed, relieved in the moment.

 

Everyone was happy, right?

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

They laid side by side again as they slept that night. Jinki woke in the night and moved closer to Minho. As the teenager slept, Jinki pressed his lips to Minho’s in a lingering kiss, and gently ran his fingers through Minho’s soft hair while watching him sleep. Minho’s hair really had grown so much longer, or maybe it was not seeing Minho as often as he used to. The length fell over his eyes, brushing against long lashes, so Jinki had to scooped it away.

 

Jinki smiled all the way to his eyes.

 

Minho’s lips twitched the tinniest bit in his sleep.

 

He really was the most beautiful person Jinki had ever met. He dreamed of the day Minho would be full of life again. When things would be how they where before. He was beautiful on the inside no matter what Minho said, he was also very beautiful on the outside too, he was- Jinki could only explain it was just wanting to kiss him, over and over, a lot.

 

It wasn’t right at all.

 

Jinki’s chest pricked at the thought of back to normal though.

 

He wanted things back to normal, back to how it used to be, two happy friends, but…

 

Jinki gently pressed his mouth to Minho’s once more, brushing over chapped lips.

 

He wasn’t sure if he really wanted everything back to normal…

 

Jinki fell asleep again with an arm resting around Minho, leaving confusing, terrifying, thoughts behind.

 

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

When Jinki woke again that night, it wasn’t because he was hot. There was a loud scream and he was hit on the head by something hard. Minho’s forehead had slammed painfully into Jinki’s. He made a sound but not nearly as loud as Minho’s frantic screams, and soon Jinki was kicked by Minho’s feet as Minseok pulled on Minho trying to sit him up.

 

Minseok tried to calm Minho and he didn’t look nearly as freaked out by the outburst as Jinki was.

 

Minho’s head was held firmly, Minseok looking directly at him as Minho choking on air. “Minho, breathe.”

 

The thought that Minseok was actually used to this finally accrued to Jinki’s hazy mind. He could do nothing but stare with wide eyes. These sort of things only happened in movies, not in real life.

 

“Minho-ya.” The little brother clutched Minseok’s arms, still choking but taking in deeper breaths, face covered in sweat.

 

“It was just a dream,” Minseok loudly said over the wheezing noise Minho made, “You’re okay, Minho. You’re fine. Breathe.”

 

It took a few minutes before Minho stilled, but he was taking in shaky breaths, and in the dim lighting of the room Jinki watched Minho’s wide panicked eyes as Minseok laid them back down, trying to settle into sleep once more. Those big eyes darted across Jinki, like he didn’t even know who Jinki was – not a friend, not anything.

 

Jinki’s chest hurt, stomach dropping, seeing such a look, like their whole relationship was erased in a moment, directed at him no matter what the reasons were.

 

Jinki barely heard Minseok tell him to go back to sleep as he tried to tug a blanket over the two. He was busy watching Minho’s wet eyes staring right through him. Jinki lifted a hand to reach out for Minho.

 

His hand landed on his own sore head instead and he turned away from Minho as laid down again.

 

The room was quite, except for Minho’s heavy breathing and Minseok’s whispered reassurances.

 

Jinki half-wondered why no one else in the house came running in, but then with Minseok’s reaction, this wasn’t abnormal for Minho.

 

At least not anymore.

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

While eating breakfast the next morning, it was much quieter than the last breakfast he had there.

 

Jinki didn’t fail to notice the watchful eyes of Minho’s relatives while Minho ate, mostly poking chopsticks at cooling food.

 

It only confirmed that Minho had sleeping problems now.

 

Minho still wasn’t better, not like Jinki hoped.

 

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

While Minho worked on his chores, Jinki sat back watching. He was taking a break, it was much too hot that day to be standing around out in the sun.

 

Minho wiped his brow with the back of his arm, then continued with his work. Jinki had frowned when, while his friend was in a tank top, Jinki could clearly see fresh scabs across Minho’s skin.

 

They were in less obvious places now though. Minho could wear a short sleeved shirt and it not really be all that noticeable, but in a loose tank top, Jinki saw dark scabs on his shoulders and down his back. Some where even red. Raw.

 

Who knew how many were hiding beneath Minho’s clothes still.

 

Jinki kicked his legs sitting on the porch, frustrated with his thoughts. Minseok walked up behind Jinki and stopped.

 

There was a pause before Minseok asked, “Is he..”

 

“Yes,” Jinki answered the question with a heavy voice. He knew Minseok saw it just as clearly as he did.

 

Minho turned to them and smiled with a wave. The smile was real at least.

 

When the grandmother came by, Jinki scooted to make room for her to sit on the porch too. She spoke to him in a manner that made Jinki duck his head shyly, asking about being Minho’s friend, vaguely remembering him on one of her rare visits to his hometown some years ago. Minseok laughed with a small smile, hand ruffling Jinki’s hair.

 

Jinki wondered again why bad things happened to good people.

 

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

Jinki dug around his bag, looking specifically for something. He smiled once he found it and rushed off to find Minho. Jinki was in such a hurry he almost ran into a wall while turning a corner. Once he found Minho outside washing vegetables for dinner, Jinki slowed down and tried to compose himself. He knew he looked like a fool, so he tried to reel it back.

 

Jinki couldn’t help it though, Minho made Jinki rush with a kind of giddiness he never used to before, something like you would expect having a crush. He would like to say it was only because he missed a friend, but something deeper said it was more than that. But what that was he still didn’t really know.

 

Jinki bit his lip and walked up behind Minho. He suddenly stopped, making sure to let his presence be known with a grunt. Minho turned to him and smiled without a flinch.

 

Jinki grinned, nose crinkling. He pulled the candy bar from behind his back and held it in front of Minho.

 

Minho’s eyes looked between the two with slight confusion.

 

It took a moment, maybe needing to recall back through heavy thoughts of recent past, but Jinki watched as Minho’s big eyes lit up, voice falling in a pleased whine. A light bulb went off and he remembered what it meant. Minho took the candy bar and unwrapped it, smiling the whole time. He took a bite.

 

“This is really good, hyung,” Minho spoke while chewing; his small-toothed, smile wide.

 

Jinki rubbed the back of his neck. “Winner or loser, everyone should have a candy bar, right?” Jinki practically whispered, now feeling embarrassed by the words at this age.

 

Minho broke the candy in half and handed one piece out to Jinki. “I still agree.”

 

Minho laughed and Jinki took the half for him, beginning to feel at ease again. They stood there quietly chewing on their candy bars while smiling and Minho mentioning he didn’t get much candy out there, or really any at all. It made them laugh again.

 

Jinki helped Minho finish with the vegetables, mostly in silence with side-glances at his friend.

 

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

Minho took Jinki on a walk around the country roads, pointing interesting things out to him, or what there could be among all the large crops of farmland. It was a cool afternoon, at least out in the soothing breeze. Refreshing. Jinki walked lazily beside Minho. He tried not looking at the scabs over Minho’s skin, eyes focusing everywhere else but there.

 

When there was a large dog walking around in the distance, Minho whistled and called to it. The dog ran excitedly towards them. It stopped in front of Minho, tail wagging happily.

 

“This is my friend Haengbogi.” Minho smiled at Jinki and knelt in front of the dog. He pet the dog gently, telling it how good it was.

 

“Say hi, hyung,” Minho turned back to Jinki with grin.

 

Jinki snorted and bent forward to pet the dog, a smile of his own growing. He noticed the name, which he figured Minho gave it, unable to find a collar himself on the animal, but he didn’t comment on it. Jinki just focused on smiling too.

 

“This is Jinki-hyung,” Minho told the dog in a childish voice.

 

“Hi~,” Jinki laughed, patting the dog and ruffling dusty fur. He glanced at Minho, watching his friend’s beautiful smile.

 

Beautiful was still an odd thought, but it’s what came to his mind first.

 

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

“You’re eating better, right?” Jinki asked like all concerned elders, pinching Minho’s shoulder, as they made their way back up to the house. Minho seemed healthier, less bony limbed and sharp at the edges, but still looked as lanky as usual in his loose tank top. The slight chubby, baby-fat cheeks were finally making a comeback, looking soft and squishy every time he smiled again. Jinki grinned, it was almost kind of.. attractive?

 

Maybe that wasn’t the right word. No, it in fact, it was the wrong word. Why would he think that.

 

Yet Jinki would still stare a little too long now. Wanted to reach out and run his fingers down soft, tan skin.

 

He wanted to heal those dark scabs covering skin. Maybe if he kissed them.. maybe..

 

Jinki shook the thought quickly from his mind. That wasn’t right. It was just the hot weather. He was never very coherent in hot weather. The summer heat was messing with his head.

 

“Yes hyung,” Minho smiled wide enough small dimples creased, and he pulled away from Jinki’s touch, “I’m eating better.”

 

Minho tried to show off his slight muscles, flexing long skinny limbs.

 

They laughed.

 

“But hyung,” Minho’s expression grew serious. “Are you?”

 

“Eh?”

 

“Are you eating well?”

 

Jinki laughed behind his hand, nose crinkled and brows furrowed. Why would that be asked. Why, because Jinki forgot that Minho watched him. Jinki spent so much time thinking he was only watching Minho.

 

“Yeah,” Jinki slapped hands to his belly that was undeniably smaller than before summer. He had lost some weight, and it wasn’t from a healthy diet or exercise he kind of hated. It was stress. Jinki couldn’t explain it in words though, or even if he wanted to, he couldn’t put that on Minho too.

 

With a forced pinch to cheeks that still carried some fat, the two laughed about it and Jinki rambled on about the bakery at home, all the good food. He left out the part about his mother trying to feed him more, obviously worried about him, though Jinki wasn’t sure how, when she was always so busy. How did she notice? How did Minho notice.

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe Minho had forgotten Jinki was there, or maybe he just didn’t care when he asked Minseok, “Are mom and dad still fighting?”

 

Minseok side-eyed Jinki before he smiled, obviously forced, reminded Jinki just how much they were brothers, and he quickly answered, “No.”

 

Jinki was pretty sure Minho knew he was lying just as much as Jinki did.

 

They sat quietly on the porch in the summer weather, enjoying the rural country scenery and soothing breeze as the sunset.

 

 

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

“Here,” Minho smiled while holding out a snack for Jinki before bed. Jinki grinned, eyes falling to the outstretched hand. His smile faltered when he noticed in the dim light a small red mark on the inside of Minho’s arm that was much different from his other ones.

 

Minho dropped the food in Jinki’s small hand, seeming to notice his gaze. He pulled his arm to his side and held it close to his body, rubbing it against fabric. Minho laughed quiet and awkward. Jinki took a slow bite of his food, eyes still on Minho’s arm.

 

“It’s good, right?” Minho asked, looking uneasy and wanting to move along from any focus on him.

 

Jinki’s eyes pulled from Minho’s arm to look at his smiling face. Jinki smiled with puffy cheeks while he chewed and gave his friend a thumbs up in approval.

 

Jinki tried to forget what he thought he saw. Just the heat messing with him still, right?

 

The Minho he knew wouldn’t do that to himself. But then, he’s hardly seen that Minho for months.

 

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

Jinki slept turned away from Minho who was still sleeping on the floor between the two. Or right now didn’t sleep. This trip… he had hoped it meant Minho was coming home.

 

He was better.

 

Jinki wasn’t sure the hour when he heard Minho get up, trying to sneak from bed without disturbing the other two. He didn’t know where Minho ended up, but it seemed a while before he was coming back to bed. It made sense now, why Minho would be awake before Jinki when he visited; he barely slept nights through these days.

 

Jinki almost jumped when a hand touched his back. He tried to hold still, pretend his best he was still asleep, as he heard a whispered voice behind him that grew painfully familiar, deep and lisping.

 

“Hyung… I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone for the way I’ve been.” It was suddenly quiet again for a moment. “..I’m still trying to get clean.” The hand left Jinki, “I’ll get better, somehow.. I’ll..” Then he stopped. Sounds of Minho turning over and getting comfortable for sleep filled Jinki’s ears now.

 

Jinki shook, holding back a pained sob.

 

If only he were brave enough to turn over.

 

If only he knew what to say.

 

Jinki apologized to Minho in his tired mind, body paralyzed with emotions he didn’t want.

 

 

 

______________

 

 

 

 

When they said their goodbyes with tight hugs again, it was obvious Minseok wanted to bring Minho home. Jinki wasn’t sure how often Minho’s family had visited, but it sounded like his parents came by at least once or twice and Minseok probably more. Either way, Minho still wouldn’t come home though.

 

He wished he could force Minho to come home - get better.

 

Jinki couldn’t.