04
It does happen
Jinki was hanging off his bed, sighing loudly at the ceiling, not sure what to do with himself. Parents weren’t even home, like usual. Jinki’s was all alone. Even at his age now, he hated that feeling, maybe more than ever. He wanted to walk home to parents greeting him after school, dinner made, parents worried about him staying out late. Jinki thought about going out, checking the arcade for something to do, because parents wouldn’t be home until late, it didn’t matter how late he was out. That night he would have to make dinner for one again.
Jinki hadn’t expecting the sudden call from Minho, it had been over a week since that night they kissed, or whatever that was. He flipped open his cellphone without bothering to check the caller ID.
“Hello,” Jinki lazily answered.
“Hyung?” Minho’s low quiet voice asked over the phone.
Jinki’s eyes widened and he fell from his bed, hitting his head on the wood floor. Jinki groaned, phone laying near his head. He could hear Minho’s worried voice asking for him and if he was okay.
“I’m great,” Jinki told Minho through clenched teeth. He slowly sat up on the floor, but he smiled when he heard Minho’s quiet laughter over the phone. A clumsy moment wasn’t unusual for Jinki.
“Hyung,” Jinki heard the hesitation in Minho’s voice, “Could you.. come tonight for studying? I need help.”
“Of course~.”
“Ah.. thanks hyung.”
“Minho-ya.”
“Yeah?”
“Smile for me, right now. Please?”
Jinki smiled big at Minho’s bubbly laughter and he just knew Minho was smiling, at least a little bit. Jinki chose to believe it was a real one this time.
It was his friend again.
______________
Jinki pushed his glasses up as he went over notes. Minho was laying on his bed, quiet as he turned pages in his school book.
“Hyung, did you really mean that?” Minho was so quiet, Jinki thought maybe it was his imagination.
“Mean what?”
“I… could.. kiss-you?” Minho said the last part really fast.
Jinki froze. Most of him really was trying to forget about that, and even what he had told Minho. But if it was helping his friend… Jinki breathed, then turned to Minho with an awkward smile and lips. “Yes.”
If Minho knew of Jinki’s reluctance, he didn’t show it. He pulled himself over the bed until he was face to face with Jinki, who still sat nervously on the floor.
Minho stared at Jinki with those huge eyes if his. They just seemed more intense while Jinki wore his glasses. Minho looked like he was thinking about something, battling with his own thoughts.
Jinki was totally okay with not kissing Minho though. It would surely be better if they didn’t. “Uh.. Min-”
Minho’s lips were smashed against Jinki’s in a dry, quick kiss. Minho pulled back and moved back to his book. Jinki turned back to his notes, chewing on his slightly sore lips. He glance back at Minho, it looked like he actually had a genuine smile on his face while flipping pages.
Jinki turned back to his work, lips traced with his tongue, shaking off his thoughts with his own grin.
______________
Over the next several weeks, Jinki was still asked over for regularly scheduled tutor sessions at least twice a week now. And somehow they always seemed to kiss at least once during them, no questions asked, just a quick lean in to kiss, like it was a game or experiment or something – nothing that actually made sense still.
Jinki’s hesitation lessened. He was helping his friend, right? It wasn’t much different than kissing a girl, really.
He was helping his friend.
He had to be.
______________
Jinki looked over his glasses at Minho. “How’s your dad?”
Minho blinked, eyes darting to the side, still struggling a lot with simple eye contact anymore, before answering, “He’s.. fine.”
And there it was, another fake smile being sent to Jinki. Minho quickly went back to his book, dropping some old toy legos he had been fiddling with in his idle hands, grip tight until knuckles turned white. Jinki remembered the odd, little things his friend would build with all the legos he had when they were younger, than show them off to Jinki, comparing them to Jinki’s model kit collection proudly. Jinki had been smug back then, knowing the comparison wasn’t really a fair one to his hours of work and steady hands.
Jinki missed that person, the one shoving legos in his face with a wide smile, because it didn’t seem like that was the same friend sitting beside him now.
“We’re fine,” Minho whispered, writing on his paper with added pressure, pen smearing ink messily.
Jinki frowned, but didn’t press any further.
______________
Jinki didn’t bother closing Minho’s door today as he stepped into the bedroom. He arrived a little early, determination to get something done.
Minho turned look at Jinki from his desk, wide eyes confused. “Hyung.. why are you-”
“I want you to do something with me before we start today.” Jinki smiled, though he was concerned when Minho’s expression turned more worried. He quickly set his things down and looked around Minho’s room until he found what he was searching for, which happened to be shoved behind stuff in Minho’s wardrobe. Minho didn’t say a word while Jinki looked around, but he could feel Minho’s eyes on him.
Jinki pulled the soccer ball from the wardrobe and turned back to Minho with a bright smile. “Come on.”
Minho lowered his eyes and chewed on his lips. His leg started shaking in an anxious manner.
Jinki tilted his head, smile trying not to fall, “Please?”
Minho took a deep breath and looked back at Jinki. He didn’t speak, just got up and walked out of his bedroom first, with Jinki following closely behind him. Jinki had been worried Minho was going to disappear into the bathroom, but he went to the front door and pulled on his shoes. Jinki dropped the ball to do the same.
They only played out in the empty street until it was too dark to keep safely playing. Minho had kept his head down, lazily kicking the ball back to Jinki. But as Jinki laughed more and threw out a little playful smack talk, Minho’s eyes lit up with the tiniest flame of self-confidants again. Jinki almost choked when Minho lifted is head, familiar gaze staring back at him before Minho grinned, small teeth showing in a wide smile again, mismatched eyes creasing in a look as he kicked the ball too fast for Jinki to block.
Jinki was almost too tired for tutoring after their play, but it was one of the best feelings in the world seeing a glimpse of the Minho he knew again.
______________
“I’m your best friend, right?” Minho quietly asked nights later, sitting at his desk while writing on his paper.
Jinki made a loud sound in the quiet room, something much like choking. Minho still didn’t turn to him.
“Yes,” Jinki answered, shuffling his papers awkwardly on the short table in front of him, legs crossed beneath it. He hesitated before just as quietly asking, “Am I your best friend?”
The room was quiet while Minho flipped through his book. Jinki’s heart started sinking the longer there was no answer. It was a little embarrassing how much Minho seemed to mean to Jinki, so he hoped it was semi-mutual. Minho had lots of friends, so Jinki understood how friendships like that could work.
“Yes,” Minho didn’t turn to Jinki, but Jinki heard the sincerity in his voice.
______________
“Minho-ya…” Jinki whined, “Not so hard.” Jinki ran tiredly after the ball, hearing Minho insincere apologies. Jinki still smiled. Once Jinki had pulled the ball from under a parked car, he turned around to find Minho extremely tense while Minseok spoke to him, stepping out from the gate to their home.
Jinki quickly ran back, only catching the end of their conversation.
“… good. Don’t you have a game coming up?”
Minho’s eyes moved everywhere but on Minseok. “I..uh.. need to check the schedule again. I’ll let you know when I find out.”
“Awesome.” Minseok slapped Minho’s shoulder, but Jinki saw how careful he was about it.
Minho still flinched.
Minseok’s smile fell and he removed his hand from Minho. “Well,” he cleared his throat, “I’d love to school you both but… I got a pretty girl waiting for me.” Minseok smiled again, but it looked fake like Minho’s now often did.
Brothers.
Minseok walked down the street to a parked car, yelling to Minho that he be easy on Jinki. Minho wasn’t beaming with self-confidence anymore when he told Minseok he would.
______________
“You should really eat more, Minho. You’re skin and bones.” Jinki’s tone was teasing in that authoritative elder tone, but he meant what he said. Minho was looking too thin, and the teenager was already small to begin with. That squishy, soft look to Minho’s small face was depleting; less a glow each time he saw his friend again. Minho didn’t wear many short sleeved shirts anymore, and maybe cold weather could explain that one away, but when he did, like tonight, it showed how much weight he was losing, and fading scars. Fresher ones flashed in Jinki’s vision for a split second when Minho would scratch up under his sleeves.
Jinki knew his friend was just as enthusiastic about food as he was, so he didn’t understand the weight loss. Jinki was the one wanting to cut back, lose a few pounds from his heavy set figure; always a slight struggle with his own weight since he was a little kid. The only fat on Minho seemed to be chubby cheeks from baby fat he was still shedding, or rather was. Those cheeks seemed so much thinner now. Minho didn’t need to lose weight at all. Always so skinny no matter what he ate.
Maybe worst of all though were the swollen eyes- droopy eyes still so distant and nearly lifeless.
Something was terribly wrong, wasn’t it…
“I’m fine, hyung,” Minho answered without a smile, probably pestered by more than just Jinki on how he looked lately.
Jinki resisted the urge to shout ‘you’re not fine.’ This wasn’t fine. Did he even look at himself in the mirror?
Minho scratched his head and asked a questioned about his book. Food wasn’t talked about again that night.
______________
Jinki wondered, while he sat in Minho’s room, what happened to all his photos. It took him a few visits to realize it, but they were all gone now – no family, no friends, no Minho.
Jinki thought about asking.
He didn’t.
______________
It had been about five times now since Jinki got Minho to play a little soccer with him before their tutoring session. Little by little Minho was opening up when they played, or so it appeared to the older. Jinki saw his friend again, he thought. Jinki could see the passion again. He was sure Minho was getting better.
He had to be.
Minho stiffened when a familiar car slowly drove by and parallel parked on the narrow streets not too far away. Minseok got out of the car and grinned at the two. Jinki was idly kicking the ball between his feet, waiting - for something. He wasn’t sure what, but he looked at Minho, the smile gone the younger had moments ago.
Minseok walked over to them, checking his watch. He mainly looked Minho as he spoke, “Time for me to school you both, huh?”
Jinki kicked the ball back to Minho, who caught it with his foot, head lowered. His voice was much too quiet, especially knowing what these brothers were like around each other. Loud. Teasing.
“Sure hyung.”
Minseok looked at Jinki. It took them both a moment to smile, but they did, and Minseok stole the ball from Minho without touching or shoving – without doing it like he normally would have while playing for fun with his little brother.
Minho chased, but it was half-hearted.
By the time it was too dark to play though, that spark was back in Minho’s eyes. He smiled. He genuinely smiled in that small-toothed, crooked grin manner of his, as he played with his brother. Jinki stepped back, watching with smile of his own. It was okay, he wasn’t that great at soccer anyway, but he enjoyed the sport nonetheless.
______________
“How’s your brother?” Jinki asked a couple days later, while writing notes on Minho’s paper.
Minho looked at Jinki. He looked thoughtful before he smiled big enough small dimples creased, answering, “He’s good.”
The real smile made Jinki’s face light up, and he gently kicked his leg at Minho’s.
Minho’s real smile, the crooked goofy one, kept beaming.
______________
Minho pulled back from Jinki, breathing deeply after a kiss, bottom lip between his teeth after Jinki had it without thought, because he was doing whatever felt good once his mind left any rational thoughts behind. With a near dopey grin, Jinki watched Minho’s long neck as his head turned, and he wondered about pressing his mouth there too, what it would feel like- would Minho reel from being too ticklish- could it just be a tickle fight- could he use that as an excuse for what thing he really was wanting to try–
Jinki’s pants felt tighter than before. He hid his lap with a book.
Minho’s eyes weren’t focused on Jinki as he whispered, “I want to tell you.. I don’t know how.” He moved back from Jinki, staring at the book in his lap.
Jinki blinked, not having expected what Minho was saying, and still a little dazed from the kiss – the kisses he was minding less and less giving to Minho. They were usually short and clumsy, but still, they were growing more pleasant. It frightened Jinki on a personal level, ideas he had locked away at puberty crawling under his skin again, but what he was doing was for a friend, so he had to.
Minho scribbled on paper while he quietly spoke. “I try.. but I can’t say it. I can’t talk about it without feeling like I’m going to throw up.” Minho shifted, “I don’t know how to tell you.”
Jinki absently lips still tinkling and thought a moment, watching Minho closely. “Like that,” Jinki pointed to Minho’s scribbling hand.
“Huh?” Minho looked up at him.
“Write it down on paper.” Jinki smiled, and it grew bigger when Minho smiled too, though it showed how fragile his friend was mentally right now. It was scary. Jinki didn’t like to think about it. It was uncomfortable.
“I’ll.. try that…”
Jinki cautiously reached out for Minho’s shoulder. Minho barely flinched at the touch this time.
He waited, he waited to finally hear the truth. His gut still told him Minho was being bullied but he was too afraid or ashamed to admit it - maybe something to do with his soccer team even, judging by his lack of participation now. That somehow made sense, more than anything. So Jinki had to wait until he realized it really was okay to tell someone. He would listen.
“If I tell you,” Minho’s gaze nearly narrowed. “You can’t tell anyone.”
“Ah..” Jinki agreed.
That small answer made Minho smile again.
______________
He wasn’t thinking. Just enjoying the moment. These moments that had grown far more intense, far more consuming for Jinki, like he forgot why he tried to hide something about himself for so long.
Jinki pushed Minho to lay on the floor beneath him, only mimicking what he’d done with a girl before – she had liked it, respond positively to it, pretty little fingers tangling in the hem of his shirt, and maybe his friend would too. Jinki’s tongue ran across chapped lips, kiss urging a little deeper. The whole thing still felt more natural than he thought it should. He liked the feeling of a body under him, he liked it a lot, and this time that jolt went even more intensely right between his legs–
Minho quickly pulled out of the kiss, though, and his erratic breathing could be heard loudly in the room. Jinki climbed off before Minho could shove at him, and surely it was for the best, what if someone walked in on them, how awful a situation that would be. Something neither were anywhere near ready to process properly.
“Sorry,” Jinki quickly apologized, stubby fingers running over his thighs nervously, eyes trying not to look obvious as he tried to inspect his waist and make sure it didn’t look noticeable. It freaked him out a lot, what was happening to his body, like he had no control over it or his emotions, or how everything was processed. Being with a boy, with a male and best friend- his body shouldn’t react like that, not at all, more than that, he shouldn’t want to keep doing it.
Minho pulled himself up to sit. He ran his hands through his hair, nearly shaking, not speaking to Jinki. The older felt even more sudden hatred for himself and whatever wrong was inside him. He wanted to rip it out and stomp it into the ground, be rid of it forever, never to return again. It just kept coming back, no matter how much time past, no matter how much older he got.
Minho cut that study session short, eye contact barely given and hands fumbling in a trimmer.
Jinki still didn’t know what they were doing - what did it benefit, did it even make sense because he couldn’t find it. So why did they keep doing it?
Minho needed him, like that kid who often asked for his attention, this was another form of it, and like then, Jinki gave him attention. That was the only explanation, right?
Jinki was sure he hated himself a little more each day.
______________
It was a few study sessions later when Minho shoved a piece of paper in Jinki’s hands. He wouldn’t look at Jinki, just quietly said, “I tried..”
Minho scooted away, curling up slightly, hands fiddling with some old pieces of legos, as Jinki unfolded the paper. Face blank, he read Minho’s sloppy and shaky handwriting, glasses still not enough to make it an easy read.
Jink could see the ‘I’ and ‘Minho’ that had been crossed out on the paper first. His eyes widened and his heart thumped louder while reading Minho’s third person writing about a ‘boy’ who had been away on a trip with friends and had been talked into drinking far too much. A man the boy didn’t know tried to help him to the bathroom, but he only ended up in an empty room with another adult. When Jinki read about the boy’s clothes being removed- that no matter how hard he fight back he wasn’t strong enough, he turned to Minho, who had seemed to curl up further, growing smaller.
“Minho…” Jinki didn’t get a reply, he went back to reading the paper, feeling sick now, everything in Jinki telling him it was a lie, a really bad and unfunny joke from Minho, his worst one ever. It couldn’t be real. Though he had never seen it, Jinki knew Minho had started drinking a little around his friends, but he wouldn’t just come out and say it to Jinki. He hadn’t been that worried about it, he had been sneaking drinks by Minho’s age too. It had never led to some thing like this though.
How could that have even happened?
Jinki didn’t know what to do by the time he finished. He was chewing the inside of his mouth, blinking eyes watering with anger, horror, guilt. That shouldn’t have happened. That didn’t happen. This was wrong. Suddenly things Minho had been doing or saying the past weeks, month were now clicking – making sense to something that really didn’t make sense at all.
He still wanted it to be a bad joke, so badly, and proper words escaped him. “This isn’t a joke?”
Minho’s head shot up, eyes suddenly wide, hands dropping the toys to the floor.
Jinki knew he said the wrong thing, cringing visibly.
“Yeah..” Minho’s expression twisted into something crazed, lip twitching in a sudden smile he couldn’t quite hold, mismatched eyes creasing oddly. “Yeah, just a joke..”
“I didn’t..” Jinki looked back to the paper he still held. It was hard to say, but Jinki let out a breath, “I believe you.”
And here Jinki had thought it was something like a simple bully. He hadn’t even imagined something such as this. He really wasn’t sure what to believe, but Minho’s reaction, he wasn’t lying about this paper he handed him.
“Really?” Minho looked so hopeful and devastated at the same time.
Jinki nodded and turned to Minho. “I.. Minho. I’m sorr-”
“It’s okay, hyung.” Minho forced another smile, “Now you know.” He wiped his hands on his pants, “This is why I’m dirty and sick.”
“Minho.”
“I need to use the bathroom.” Minho quickly left the bedroom.
Minho didn’t come back. Jinki eventually had to leave without seeing Minho again. Jinki took the folded paper with him, walk home in the dark nearly a hazy daze, like he left reality the moment that paper was placed into his hands.
Jinki didn’t sleep that night. He turned over in bed and blinked wet eyes, angry and scared and frustrated, fist slamming into a pillow until he thought he could just pass out into nothingness. He was confused, couldn’t make sense of it. He was powerless and it was possibly the worst feeling he’s ever experienced.
Jinki cried for his friend that had been hurting and he didn’t even suspect such a thing.
It doesn’t happen…
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