December.

"Annyong, I'm Nicole. We are paired together for the Christmas Stage Special, right?"

That was how it started- I met this girl with the cutest eye-smile (which I won't admit to her about, of course) and we clicked right away. I wasn't very surprised- Nicole is incredibly popular among us idols as an adorable social butterfly and well, I'm Key, the guy that's friends with everybody. Not long after, we became best friends.

February.

"Kibum. Nicole. Concentrate!"

Nicole and I stopped laughing and looked at our choreographer apologetically. We know we should be practising for the Juliette Special Stage, which I am partnered up with Nicole as always, but we always end up fooling around and tickling each other til we fall on the floor, laughing our hearts out, unintentionally interrupting our other band members.

But really, we are the dancing machines of our groups. We don't need much practice. Now all we need is some time together with each other. There's something about this American girl that makes her so different from every girl I'd met, and that is a lot. Whatever it is, that's why she's my best friend.

Funny how among the tonnes of friends I have, my best of best friends would be Nicole, the American girl.

March.

"It's okay that we're single. At least we have each other."

Nicole said that as she sat next to me in my dorm on Peppero Day, where all my members had gone out with their girlfriends.

"Right. All we need is a best friend and chocolates." I replied and munched on a piece of chocolate that Nicole bought.

Nicole was silent for a while. Then she answered, "you're right. I'm glad you're my best friend."

I know Nicole as no one else does- she was sad about something, but for the first time, I didn't know what she was thinking.

May.

"I'm sorry, Kibum, but I've fallen for you."

I stood there paralyzed as I absorb in the words from Nicole's mouth. We were at our usual secret hanging out place- the roof of my dorm. I didn't know what to say.

"I know you just want to be friends, but I can't do that anymore. I really like you but I know you don't feel the same way. I want us to be the best friends we used to be too, but I didn't plan on falling for you."

I was stoic. I just looked at Nicole, crying. Nicole the strong one. Crying for the first time. For me.

"It's okay, you don't have to say a thing. I'll just go now." Then she just wiped her tears and walked away from me.

That was the day I lost my best friend, because I'm not brave enough to face my own feelings.

September.

For the next few weeks, I made myself busy with my other friends. It never felt the same as it was with Nicole.

She's happy now. With Jinwoon.

At times when we crossed paths, we would still say hi and greet each other. I could still see in her eyes that she is still not completely over me yet. I still hold a position in her heart. I could confess how I felt to her right now too, but I just couldn't force the words out of my mouth. I couldn't tell her that I loved her, because I really do love her, and being so deeply in love- it scares me. All those other girls I'd dated before, I'd never loved a single one of them. But Nicole, everything about her draws me in, and I fell for her. But I'm too much of a coward to admit to that.

So I watched her go into the arms of Jinwoon.

November.

I came back to the rooftop of my dorm, where things had changed forever for Nicole and I.

Memories ambushed me-

Her eyesmile that would brighten up my day without fail.

Her sweet voice when she sang songs by my side.

Her cute laughter.

Her affinity towards food.

How she always moaned about being unattractive without makeup, when I secretly think that she looked beautiful without makeup.

The way she crinkles her nose when she's upset.

The time we dance foolishly under the moonlight at this very spot.

Why do I only realize how much she meant to me once she had already gone ?

If only I had been brave enough to admit my feelings to her that day.

If only I had wiped the tears off of her face that day, and told her things would be alright.

But it's too late now. I'd hurt her.

I'd lost my best friend.

And my first love.