Title: 3/5 

 

The title is not that interesting but it fits the plot well. It doesn’t give out much mood to the story basically because I didn’t feel anything when I read it. I advice you to use a shorter title, consist of maybe two or three words only. Although it’s not wrong for you to make it long but its better if you shorten it up into a sweet and meaningful one. 

 

Appearance: 7/10 

 

Although the background is stark white, but you managed to caught my attention with the music, the colorful poster and the background hidden behind it. I won’t be so impressed with the appearance because I prefer a darker fiction, but it’s not bad at all. I won’t say it’s great, but I won’t say it’s terrible either, so it's somehow caught in between. Just be careful with your poster, because I spotted a few areas near the Beast’s pictures that aren’t so smooth. 

 

Forewords: 6/10

 

Even though I prefer a more informative and organized foreword, but I guess it’s acceptable. I wouldn’t want to be too fussy about it, but try to add a little more insights to the story. Summary isn’t good enough, try to take out a few short scenes as a teaser. Also, try to avoid using repetition. The sentence ‘I fell in love with my coordi’ is being used as a title, as the phrase inside the poster and in your description:

 

Who could have thought. She just our coordi. She younger than all of us. We treat her like our little sister.... But soon enough.... I Fell In Love With My Coordi

 

Avoid repetition! I know you want to connect the title with your poster and your story but try to use synonyms. Instead of leaving your description just like that, try to manipulate the word, elaborate on his feelings, surrounding, his complications etc…before making him confess he is in love with someone. Sometimes, it’s better for you to use metaphor so that the reader could feel curious or intrigued. I’m sure you realize how many thousands of love stories are out there, and it is very important to be different from the rest. It is an over-rated theme, so try to be creative with your opening. 

 

Plot: 16/20 

 

Well, for a love story, I guess the plot is ok. But for being different, I guess you barely make it pass. The plot is somewhat easy to predict. Boy meets girl, boy fall in love, boy gets a hard time with someone, separate or break up and never meet again until some magical date in the future. Since this story has been completed, I advise you to make a better twist… maybe death, someone gone missing, memory lost, fan’s threat (a severe one by some lunatic fans) or…alien abduction? Okie, alien abduction doesn’t make any sense, but well, you got the point…be creative! lolz

 

 

Originality: 15/20 

 

I would say your story is quite original in some parts but the common scenes are overlapping with it. I know anything can’t completely be original (unless you have brain like that) but try to be more twisted. If you read some stories and you are captivated by one particular scene inside it, try not to copy it, instead think of a way to twist it, turn it, flip it and grill it if you must. (Okie, I’m not making any sense) but come on! If you think going out to a vendor shop and purchase a couple cell phone strap is cool, try to bring your couple to a beauty store and buy yourself a couple perfume or go to any store and buy him/her a telescope with an attached note, saying ‘Guess which star is the symbol for our love? The sun. It’s more than a billion years old and we can’t basically live without it.’ or anything crazier than that. You’re the author, so write anything to where your imagination takes you. 

 

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 10/15 

 

Two advices for you. First, master your vocabulary. Use synonyms, antonyms, metaphor, figure-of-speaking, idioms, quotes or phrases because it shows you have a strong grasp of your language and make your story more interesting. Second, watch out for your punctuations. Use an appropriate punctuation marks when you need and don’t ignore it completely. Some sentences meant to use comma to control the flow of the story, so try to be more careful with it. I found a few minor mistakes, but please, I strongly do not and will not encourage you to use ~~~~~ as a name.

 

For example: Talking about that I wonder if ~~~~ will follow us to Japan. 

(I know you want me to insert any name I like but it disturbs my reading. And I never like this type of method anyway. It’s unprofessional and it shows that you are an indecisive person. Pick a name, don’t let the reader figure it out him/herself. You are the author, show some control over your character.)

 

Yoseob said and earn a smack on the head by Doojoon.

(‘Earn’ supposed to be ‘Earned’. It’s past tense.)

 

I calm down and he released my mouth.

(Same. ‘Calm’ supposed to be ‘calmed’.)

 

"Maybe she just too shock to say anything"

(You forget to close your dialogue with punctuation mark. Be careful on this. )

 

Now what am I gonna do while on the plane.

(This is meant as a question wasn’t it? So please use question mark, ‘?’.)

 

SWEETNES ORVERLOAD!!

(Spelling mistake. Watch out for the spelling for ‘overload’.)

 

I felt kinda bad for rejecting Kevin gift.

(It’s ‘Kevin’s gift’.)

 

I'am a grown up

(it should be either ‘I am’ or ‘I’m’.)

 

 

 

Flow: 3/5 

 

The flow is quite alright although there’s a little bumpy or rushing scene here and there. You did not provide an adequate elaboration at all. You just simply write some dialogues and a little explanation before rushing to another scene. This result in what I call ‘accelerating scene’. You totally put off your flow by using this method. Love needs elaboration. People don’t meet and fall in love. Even though I have heard of love at the first sight but please, everything needs development. You don’t fall in love with stranger, do you? So does your character. Even though Kikwang is a celebrity but he seems too easy for me. Don’t celebrity supposed to have control over their feeling or at least put their guards up? After all, they might not know when they will meet an obsessive or crazy fan. So, be realistic. Why Kikwang is attracted to her? What is so special about her? Beauty is not a strong reason. Beauty can change through time and age, so what doe she has in her personality or habit that make her so attractive? When you write love story, first, develop their feeling when they first meet, then the time when they meet constantly or coincidently or show some insecurity or hesitant when they socialize with each other, then, show something in their characters that attract one another, compare them to another minor characters so that she/he looks and sound different, get them to know each other better first, then, a feeling of love blossoms (but don’t confess yet) be insecure/try to wander how their feelings towards each other, change their bad habit into a good one so it shows how they influence each other, challenge their loyalty with a few obstacles, then…confess. There are steps to be taken to write a proper love story. Remember, people don’t jump in a picture and fall in love like a cartoon. There are always steps.

 

 

Writing Style: 6/10 

 

I’m not very fond in your writing style. First, because you lack of elaboration (as mention above)

 

For example:

"Have you been waiting long?" She ask.

"No. I just came"

"Okay then. Well let's go outside"

"Wae?"

"Everybody waiting outside"

"Are we going somewhere?"

 

Your characters are not a statue. They don’t stand up like one and talk like machine. They surely has their own way of speaking. Add gestures to their dialogues. Use lingo or accent or simply add something that can make them different. Be creative and please elaborate. When I read something like the above, my mind was blank. Like nothing happen. Like someone is speaking but I can’t imagine where they are or how they talk. I can’t put my mind into a precise and clear image of talking people. Other than, adding gesture, you can elaborate on the surrounding (how the wind blew her hair or how the birds chirp or maybe how dirty or foul-smelling that place is.) Add some life into your dialogues! This is like you are tuning a radio but there is no Dj and song, it will be blank and it is never a good sign.

 

Another example:

The flight attendance said and the plane take off to Japan.

 

When the plane take off, isn’t there any turbulence, any bumpy ride or how the character feels about the plane climbing into the air? No stomach flipping? No liver turning? Or when the plane cross the time line, isn’t there any altitude sickness? As I said, add life to your characters and story. The more you elaborate, the clearer the image.

 

Last example:

You and the Beast arrived at the hotel. You, Heerin and Shinrae are in the same room while for Beast 3 of them will share the same room while the other 3 went to the other room. After putting all your things in the room. You all went back to the van. Beast got to rehearsal for the concert. The place was huge!

 

When you say the place is huge, don’t you feel like describing the place? Whats the color of the hotel? How about the design? Was it Japanese style or did it give you the feeling of spending in the richness of tropical vibe? Or did it look boring? Or was it as colorful as the clown’s hair? How about the surrounding? Was it hectic? Were there any children running around, knocking people who get in their way? Was it quite? Any foreigner? Couples? Other celebrities? Or maybe a restaurant serving traditional food somewhere at the corner? Setting also play an important role in any story. Without setting, you are placing your characters in an unknown place and time. So, please…elaborate!

 

 

Other++ 3/5 

 

I’m using this sections as a bonus. Just so you know, I have never given anyone a full mark on this section, until I see a classic overview of the story. For you however, I give three.

-          First, because you have the guts to use a lot of characters. Not many authors take the risk because more characters, more elaboration needed, and truly much more works. So, I give you a bonus for that.

-          Secondly, effort. I can see how eager you are and how much you have put your effort in this story. So, you deserve the second mark.

-          Thirdly, you’ve completed it. Many authors love to start but hate to finish. But you stick it through and finish it. So, a round of applause for you. *applause*

 

Total: 69/100 

 

I’m sorry if I ever hurt your feeling and please don’t mind any spelling mistake I have because my keyboard is somehow a little unresponsive. (It reminds me to buy a new one later) And keep it up! You are a great writer; just need a little polish here and there, but hey! Nobody is perfect. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you Pararae for the review!!  http://2pmvietguh.blogspot.com/

Now that I know I made a lot of mistakes. I hope I can do better on my next and next fanfics