twelve;

The morning after Myungsoo was admitted, Chorong and I walked to school together for the first time ever since they announced their relationship. Somehow days after the announcement was made, I had always managed to find excuses to walk by myself. I even forced myself to wake up much earlier so that I would be ahead of them and risk running into them on the street.

Awkward silence fell between us as neither of us knew what we should say to one another. It was strange, I thought, because we had never run out of things to say before. With Chorong around, there was never a second wasted without a word. I wondered if that was the early stage of how best friends begin to drift apart. A sign, perhaps.

During the third period, Chorong left the class for infirmary. She looked pale, which bugged me that I did not notice it earlier that morning. I watched bitterly as Hoya supported her by her arms and exited the class together. I glanced back at my old seat and dreamed of the what could-have-beens.

Bomi came to the field just before Coach Han blew the final whistle signalling the end of practice. Seeing her standing by the bleachers, I stole a glance at Hoya who mysteriously disappeared along with the other boys. I quickly grabbed my bag and pulled her away.

“No practice today?” I asked as she handed a bottle of mineral water to me. Bomi, being the kind and thoughtful girl that she is, would always prepare a mineral water bottle and sometimes energy drinks for me every time she came to see me on the field even though I had never asked. That side of her was what made me feel even guiltier inside because I knew she was completely sincere with me, while I was only seeking out the feeling of comfort from her.

 I hated myself to the core for that.

“Nope. Miss Jung gave us one week off since we just had our ritual,” replied Bomi with a smile.

“Then how come you’re still in school? I don’t see the soccer team around,”

“Nah, Doojoon oppa went home an hour ago. I was waiting for you,”

“You didn’t have to,”

“I wanted to,”

I gave her a weak smile. “Did you have lunch?” I asked, in which she replied by shaking her head. “Perfect then. Let’s go eat.”

“I heard your friend is in hospital right now. Is he okay? Did something bad happen?” Bomi asked the soon we stepped out from the noodles restaurant.

“He’s fine. Actually, it’s pretty normal that he gets admitted every now and then, even when there’s nothing wrong,” I told her. “You see, he has this condition called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, where a part of the muscle of his heart thickens without any obvious reason. So once in a while, he has to go to the hospital for check-ups. It’s no big deal, really.”

It’s no big deal,I reassured myself inside.

“That’s good then,” she smiled.

There was a silence. But unlike the awkward silence with Chorong that I felt earlier, the one with Bomi was comfortable. There wasn’t a need to fill every minute with words.

How strange it was to feel more relaxed with someone who is not Chorong, I questioned myself.

“Oppa,” she called, breaking the silence and interrupting my thoughts. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure. What is it?”

“Do you…” she hesitated. “You like Park Chorong, don’t you?”

I stopped at my tracks and stared at her. For a second, I was lost for words.

“It’s okay to tell me the truth,” she smiled. “I’d prefer that,”

I opened and closed my mouth several times, still wondering what the right thing to say. I gazed into her eyes. Truth, she asked. “Yes,” I answered straightforwardly. “I do, actually,”

“Thought so,” she said. Her smile never left her face which made me question if it was forced in order not to make me feel bad.

“I’m sorry,”

“That’s alright. I knew it from the beginning,”

“Then why―”

“I like you,” she cut me off. “I think that’s more than enough a reason for a girl to go out with a boy she likes. At least it is for me. Even though I know you don’t like me back, having the chance to spend time with you is enough for me,”

I continued to stare at Bomi. I wondered how much did I hurt her. Through my selfish acts, I wondered how much did I hurt the people around me, including my own good friend.

“I know you like her. And I know she knows,”

“What are you talking about?” I scoffed. “She doesn’t like me. If she does, she wouldn’t be with Myungsoo now,”

“We’re both girls. I can tell,” she pointed out. “If she doesn’t, she wouldn’t be looking at me with such scary eyes. If she doesn’t, she wouldn’t watching us from afar, like she is doing now,”

My eyes widened at her last comment.

“She’s behind you,”

I resisted the temptation to look back. “You’re kidding,”

“I bet she likes you,” she went on.

I scoffed once more. “If she does, then why is she acting like she doesn’t?”

“Maybe she was just waiting for you to say it first, but you never did, so she went to the person who did.”

I looked away while gritting my teeth and sighed. “I’m sorry,” was all I could manage.

Again, Bomi smiled, this time sadly. “That’s okay. You’re hurting too,” she said. “Can I ask for one thing from you?”

“Sure,”

“Can I…” she stuttered. “Can I have a kiss from you? On the forehead, I mean. You can think of it as a gift for me. A final goodbye gift. And maybe as something to make her jealous?”

I laughed at her final remark. “Sure,” I told her. She closed her eyes, and I closed mine, before leaning in and met her soft lips. I could tell that she was surprised, but she kept still. I opened my eyes slightly and saw a teardrop running down her face. I thought of Hoya who loved her, and Chorong whom I loved, gently wept it away.

That was how I gave away my first kiss to a girl who loved me so selflessly.