beginning of 2018

‘I wonder what would happen if I kissed you.’

He didn’t say it out loud, but the fact that he was thinking about it scared him a lot more than he liked to admit; he’d always been good at forgetting what had to be forgotten and at pushing away thoughts he knew he couldn’t have, didn’t want to have, and he’d always been okay with that, because it was better that way, it was better to forget. And now he couldn’t explain why that phrase wouldn’t get out of his head; it was bad enough that it had happened once, and he knew it couldn’t repeat itself.

They had kissed once upon a dream and then had woken up and realised that it was wrong, because they were friend and had to be something fake, generated by pain, because of the situation they were in. He didn’t know why it had happened and if the answer was that he’d acted out of desperation, he didn’t want to know it, because he’d never wanted to get hurt.
 
“Hyung?” his voice snapped him out of his reverie and he looked at him, finally seeing him for real, without a wall of thoughts blinding him; he’d leaned closer to him without even realising it, and he could’ve easily pushed himself forward more and found his lips. He wanted to do it but he knew he couldn’t, he couldn’t because he wasn’t supposed to and because he knew everybody could see them.

Daesung must have had thought the same thing, because he threw a panicked glance over his shoulder, where he knew were Seungri and Jiyong, splattered over the couch, basically sitting in each other’s lap (which was a thing they did all the time, it was difficult to imagine them separated, even if it would unavoidably happen); for a moment, he thought he didn’t care if they could see them, they couldn’t say anything, it wasn’t anything of their business.

But the principal problem remained: he had no idea why he was thinking about it, he didn’t know why he would even be interested in kissing him now; the previous time he’d been lost and it made sense.
 
What had happened to them? They used to be best friends, almost inseparable, always glued to each other, and, since that night, even when everything seemed normal, there was something awkward between them, something they couldn’t overcome, mixed with unspoken things and scared thoughts. Maybe he just wanted everything to go back as it had been; but, at the same time, he knew he wanted to kiss him, he just didn’t know why.

Perhaps he had gotten used to the feeling of his lips on his own and he wanted something certain, he wanted to know if he’d forgotten how it really was; perhaps he suddenly felt like he was losing him once again and he wanted to force him to stay by his side even if he knew he couldn’t stop him. After all, he knew that they probably wouldn’t have time to see each other again, not before they had to leave for the military.
 
“Seunghyun.” it was barely a broken whisper, and this time, it wasn’t a question, it sounded like a warning, and only then he realised he’d put one of his hands on the younger’s arm and the other on the side of his neck; Daesung was looking at him with his infamous indecipherable look in his eyes (and people said he was difficult to understand) and he felt the sudden urge to scream at him to tell him what he was thinking about, what he thought about him, because he was tired of not knowing.

On the contrary, he knew his dongsaeng knew what he was thinking about, he knew he’d his thought painted clearly on his face and he understood that he didn’t like it all; he couldn’t understand why, though. That night, he’d kissed him back, and it didn’t make sense for him to react like this now; had he taken pity of him and had responded only because he hadn’t had the heart to tell him that he didn’t want to? Maybe that was why he wanted to kiss him again, because he wanted to know what he would do, he wanted to know what it had meant to him; he couldn’t figure himself out, he at least wished he could understand the younger.
 
Perhaps he was drunk; and he tended to act even more without a reason when he was.

Perhaps he was a fool; and he’d always been, he didn’t want anything else but answers, and he wanted to get them before everything started to fall apart yet once again.

Perhaps he was tired; tired of not understanding what was going on in his head, tired of all the silence there was between, of that embarrassment which lingered in the air every time they looked at each other for a bit longer than necessary.

He’d tried to tell himself everything was the same as it had been, but he knew it was just a lie; his heart was beating so fast he thought it was about to fly out of his chest because it was all too much, and it wasn’t normal.

He’d gotten closer to him in the few seconds that had passed since he’d realised what he was doing, and he felt like it was getting difficult to breathe; his mind going completely blank, he closed his eyes and slightly leaned forward. He didn’t know what he’d expected to happen, but he hadn’t thought his lips would meet Daesung’s cheek; maybe he’d just figured that he could kiss him whenever he wanted, and that had been terribly stupid.

The fact that he didn’t know what was going on or why he was doing it, didn’t mean that the other would be okay with it.
 
“Seunghyun.” his voice was barely audible, this time, and it sounded so terribly lost, so terribly confused; he didn’t pull back, anyway, he remained in the same spot, with his lips pressed up against his cheekbone, unable to do anything, unable to think.

He wanted to understand, he was tired of his mind, he just wanted something to be right, for once; maybe that was what had driven him to the younger: he’d always seemed right, so bright and full of everything, in contrast with him, all dark and clouded. Maybe they had been destined to collide since the start and he’d stupidly never noticed it before it was too late; and now he was left with the ruins of what they could’ve been and would never be.

Sighing, he let his arms curl around his dongsaeng’s shoulders and pulled him tightly against his body, without opening his eyes, burying his face in the crook of his neck.
 
They remained perfectly still and silent for a moment, ignoring all the sounds around them, ignoring everything outside of the moment; not knowing was horrible, being unable to understand and scared to death by his own thoughts.

He wanted to forget, he wanted to let him go without feeling like he was suffocating, because he wasn’t his to have and would never be, he was desperate and couldn’t understand why everything was coming back to his head now or why he couldn’t push the thought back as he used to; it was terrible, once they understood each other perfectly and now they couldn’t even understand themselves. He realised that night had destroyed them, it had changed them forever, and perhaps he just wanted Daesung back; his dongsaeng, the person he could talk to every time he felt the need to, the person he could annoy every time he wanted, the person he could hold hands with without feeling like he was being annihilated, the person he could pretend to kiss without actually wanting to. Now, he couldn’t give a name to what he was to him; it felt like they weren’t anything anymore, and he hated the idea. He didn’t even know why he was putting so much thought into it, he’d never felt the need to think about the things he did or thought, but there he was.
 
They separated and he finally found the strength to open his eyes and, again it was immediately clear to him how dangerously close to each other they were; for a second, he thought he’d seen Daesung glance at his lips, but he’d probably just imagined it, right? He didn’t know why they kept having those half-kisses that night, but he went in again, closer and closer every second, at the point where he could sense the other’s breath on his mouth, and he could see that, this time, he probably wasn’t going to step away again; just then he realised how hungry he felt, how fiercely he wanted to kiss him.

Their lips barely brushed against each other and Seunghyun really, really wanted more, wanted something which could deserve the name of kiss…
 
“Okay, I’m back!” and there he’d never thought a person could actually be this fast; he disappointingly glanced at Daesung, who was basically on the other end of the room, right now.

Youngbae hadn’t even lifted his head from the phone he was still holding in his hand had barely walked thought the door. He had completely forgotten he was there in the first place and should’ve felt guilty about that, but, after all, he was the one who’d said he needed to quickly call Hyorin and had disappeared probably an hour before.

He huffed, looking over at the couch, where Jiyong and Seungri were still sitting (or, to put it better, Jiyong was sprawled on the couch with his head on the maknae’s lap, who was playing with his hair with a dumb sweet smile on his face) to see if they’d noticed anything, but they seemed too engrossed in each other, it was kind of gross; he slightly rolled his eyes, asking himself why the  they needed to be like that, and what was the reason why they were always glued to each other. Youngbae looked at him, smiling contentedly, and Seunghyun felt guilty for being annoyed by his presence, reminding himself that he was about to leave soon, too; he’d just happened to walk in in the worst moment he could’ve done that. Maybe it was better that way, maybe he’d stopped a disaster waiting to happen, maybe he’d just prevented him from ruining his relationship with Daesung even more.
 
He hopped to him and took him arm in arm, asking him why he wasn’t drunk yet and saying clearly that he didn’t accept that he was almost married as an excuse; and proceeded to drag him to the table of alcoholics to make him choose something to drink. Youngbae categorically refused and plopped down on the couch, making Jiyong sit up and glance at him with disapproval; at that point, everything precipitated.

Seunghyun kept trying to throw shots down everybody’s throat, Seungri was practically meowing sadly trying to catch Jiyong’s attention and the leader had decided to pick a fight with Youngbae, telling him that he was becoming lazy and boring since he was a committed man and the other just kept reminding him that it was thanks to him and they wouldn’t stop half-arguing half-laughing, Daesung had joined them and was trying to keep a serious face but couldn’t help smiling at the pointless argument the two were having. At the end, they all ended up laughing like the drunk-heads they were and everything felt right again; everything seemed fine, they were what they’d used to be, five brothers who loved each other probably more than anything else and all that was going to happen in the upcoming months seemed forgotten.
 
That was how it felt until Seunghyun glanced up from the glass he was joyfully pouring for Seungri and his eyes met Daesung’s; the younger was talking to Jiyong, who had an arm around his shoulders and was laughing along, on the other end of the couch.

They looked at each other for a brief second, but it was enough to remind Seunghyun that they had in fact almost kissed again and that it wasn’t what you would do with your brother and that maybe he couldn’t avoid the thought anymore; but he wasn’t ready to think about it, and, even if maybe he would never be, he wanted to give himself time, in hope that maybe, one day, he would understand what was going on in his head.