beginning of 2017

It wasn’t anything that hadn’t happened before; actually, it had almost become a habit, in recent times.

He would call him, searching for somebody to talk to, feeling alone, far away from everybody and miserable, and, didn’t matter what time it was, what the weather was like or whatever else could have mattered, he always told him that he was coming over. He’d stopped asking him why he’d come, he knew he wanted to make sure he was okay, and that he wasn’t going to leave until he was one hundred percent sure that he was truly fine, fine enough to be left alone.

Every time he showed up at his door, he knew that he felt exactly the same as he did: that he felt the connection between them, that he could physically feel when he was sad, unhappy, in a bad place of his mind. That he was hurt in the same way, because they were one; two different people and the same all together.
 
This night wasn’t different from many others before, and he knew it perfectly; but, somehow, he could sense some sort of electricity in the air, like you only had to light a match and the whole world was going to explode, leaving nothing behind, not even the memory of what had been. Maybe it was only because his due time to leave was approaching, and he was slowly sinking further into the darkness of his own thoughts.

They were sitting on the couch, facing each other, their hands clasped together, their fingers intertwined; Seunghyun knew he would never be able to truly tell the younger how grateful he was knowing that he always lost sleep to ensure that he got some as well. He knew he would never find words to tell him how important he was to him, how thankful he was to have him in his life; tell him that he would be lost without him. But he also knew that Daesung didn’t care about that, he understood; he didn’t have to tell him.
 
“I’m terribly afraid I’m going to lose you…” he whispered, even if he wanted to scream, but he didn’t want to be heard by someone who didn’t care if he was being ripped away from his brothers, from everything he cared about, from his whole life; Daesung tightened his grip around his hand, trying to make him look at him, but he didn’t want to see him eyes, even if he knew there wouldn’t be any pity in them, that they probably were soft, welcoming, familiar.

He was a coward; he was looking for comfort in him but couldn’t bear the thought to look at him for too long, because he knew he would try to memorize every feature of his face, and, if he couldn’t, he would just precipitate deeper into himself and he hated the idea, always had.
 
“Hyung, whatever happens, you’re never going to lose us.” for a second he almost believed him, but he already felt like he was losing them, like they were slipping from his hands like grains of sand from the spaces between his fingers; he was scared they weren’t even going to recognize him when he came back, he was scared they wouldn’t even want him back.

Even if everyone kept telling him that it wouldn’t happen, the doubt still liked to linger in his mind whenever it could; and he didn’t want to think about it. He loved them so much it was difficult to breathe thinking about leaving them for two years; they were his anchor, his rock that helped him through every obstacle in life, they had the extraordinary ability to calm him down when he felt hopeless and lost.

He had to find something else to help him survive day after day, to give him a semblance of normality; something to give him a semblance of balance when his strength was gone.
 
It wasn’t anything that hadn’t happened before; it wasn’t strange for them to sit up close, or hold hands, looking for some kind of comfort, but the air between them was thin and he didn’t know why. When he finally gathered the courage to fully look at Daesung, instead of throwing him a casual glance from time to time, –as if he was checking if he was actually there and not just an illusion -something inside him broke.

And all the thoughts he’d repressed through the years, had sent to the back of his mind, violently streamed back up, like water from a suddenly broken dam. He stumbled into his eyes, –they were kind, sweet, deep and infinite all at the same time and for a second he forgot how to breathe –fell into him and began precipitating, and kept falling, and falling and falling.
 
He didn’t even think about it, his mind went completely blank; he leaned forward and connected their lips before Daesung had time to realise what was going on. It wasn’t like one of those kisses you saw in romantic dramas, there weren’t fireworks, there weren’t applauses, there wasn’t music, other than the one their beating hearts let out; but, it was enough for Seunghyun to understand for how long he’d wanted to do it, how many times he’d thought about it and then erased the thought from his mind, to protect himself, knowing there couldn’t be anything between them. He didn’t know if it was because he knew himself too well and knew he couldn’t be in a relationship, or because he felt like Daesung could never reciprocate his foolish feeling; and he didn’t know what had made him act, now, in the worst moment possible.
 
Pulling back after barely a second, letting out a gasp of surprise, even if he surely wasn’t the one who should’ve been surprised, he didn’t dare to look at Daesung again, he didn’t want to see the expression on his face; he didn’t want to see that he was disgusted by him, he didn’t need to know that, and he didn’t want him to go away.

He hoped what the younger had said before was still valid; he’d said that, whatever happened, he was never going to lose them, him. And he didn’t want to lose him now, because he’d acted without thinking, like he always did.
 
Everything stayed perfectly and terrifyingly silent for the longest moment of his life, and he waited to hear something, anything, from him; he was keeping his eyes low, down on his hands- on their hands. That was the moment he realised that he hadn’t let him go, that he was still holding tightly onto him; even if he didn’t want to give himself the benefit of the doubt, his heart’s rate sped up considerably, so much he was afraid he would die.

He slowly looked back up, feeling like every fibre of his body was shaking, the blood in his veins boiling; when his gaze landed on Daesung’s face, he forgot how to breathe again. His lips were slightly parted and his eyes slightly closed; and, yet, he could identify what he saw in them, his pupils were dilated and they seemed to shine, and were even darker and deeper than they been before. Perhaps, he wasn’t the only one who’d supressed thoughts he shouldn’t have had, through the years; with that knowledge, he knew there was nothing to stop him, he knew he couldn’t push everything at the back of his mind again.
 
He leaned forward again, and, this time, it didn’t end after a quick peck on the edge of his lips; this time, they met halfway, Daesung grabbed his arms and pulled him flush against his body and Seunghyun caught his face into his hands.

They fell back onto the couch, without letting go, their lips moving against each other hungrily, feverishly, hurriedly; they’d waited for too long to find each other and, now, had no intention of giving up. Seunghyun slid his hand into the younger’s hair and pulled his head back, mercilessly, leaving a sloppy kiss on his chin, before moving back to his lips, sinking his teeth into the bottom one, biting and pulling until he sensed the taste of blood; he against them and then slipped his tongue past them. Daesung moaned into his mouth and he felt like dying again; he tasted like everything he’d ever wanted and he was starting to feel addicted to him, every second that passed, more and more. His hands moved on their own will, under the younger’s shirt, up and down his chest.
 
When they finally separated, both were completely breathless and had red lips and scarlet cheeks; they stared at each other for a moment, trying to find words to say, trying to free their feelings, trying to give a name or a meaning to what had just happened, but couldn’t find it.

Seunghyun sighed, with both disastrous happiness and extreme sorrow, laying his head on Daesung’s chest, drawing little circles on his biceps with his fingers, as the younger’s arms came to rest around his back; they stayed silent, living off each other’s presence, each other’s essence, unsure where they stood. What were they? They weren’t brothers, they weren’t best friends, but, they surely still were one. He didn’t know what exactly had just happened, but he knew they needed each other, he knew they couldn’t live without each other, and that, wasn’t different from how it was before. They were still the same and completely different at the same time.

Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, his mind filling with thoughts that were both good and bad, incomprehensible, Seunghyun broke down, finally, truly broke down, incapable of keeping all the unspoken emotions hidden at the back of his soul.

He let the tears fall, he cried until he felt completely drained, until he felt like he couldn’t possibly cry anymore; he cried because he was scared of what he knew was going to happen, he cried because his head was a mess and he didn’t know how to survive without his masterpieces, he cried because he loved too fiercely and he always, always consumed himself until there was nothing left, he cried because he cared too much and didn’t want to let go.

Daesung let him cry, only holding him close, caressing his back, trying to be comforting but knowing that he couldn’t do anything to help him, not anymore; he’d started singing softly, and the older man could barely hear the words, behind the storm in his soul, behind the thunderous hammering of his heart.
 
When he didn’t have tears anymore, he remained still and silent, his cheek pressed to his dongsaeng’s chest; he could feel his heart beating, and it calmed him immensely, it eased his mind, as if it was one of his precious paintings. He fell into him all over again, forgot everything else and let himself be lulled to sleep –or, in a sort of comatose state –by the sound; he didn’t need anything else, as cheesy as it sounded, he just needed to be in his arms, in that moment, to feel both annihilated and peaceful at the same time, not knowing what was going on in his mind and not caring at all.
 
Hours later, as they stood in front of each other, at the door, Seunghyun realised that, once Daesung stepped out of his house and back in the streets, that dream would end and everything would go back as it had been before and he would be forced to forget everything, because he couldn’t allow himself to remember, not now nor never.

He looked at him, trying to memorize every detail of his face, afraid that he would soon disappear in his mind together with this night; the younger man had his arms looped around his waist, holding him close to himself, in a painfully soft manner. He let him kiss him on the cheeks, just under his eyes, and then on the forehead and then on the lips, twice, slowly, gingerly; he let him slip away and step back, looking at him with glistening sad eyes. Daesung slightly lowered his gaze and looked down at his feet, as if he was embarrassed by what he’d just done and by what he needed to do now.
 
“Will you forget me?” the words slid past Seunghyun’s lips before he’d time to stop them, catch them with his teeth, utterly surprising himself; he hadn’t meant to ask it, but now he couldn’t take the question back. Daesung raised his head, tilting it to the side, offering him a sweet smile; he didn’t even need to answer, he could already see it in his eyes, but he did anyway.
 
“Never, Seunghyun.” his name sounded like silk coming out of his mouth, and maybe he wanted him to keep repeating it over and over, until it was indelible in his mind. Not hyung. Just Seunghyun; Seunghyun. “As long as you don’t forget me.” he added after a second, his voice barely audible, not meeting his gaze, as if he was scared what the answer would be, as if he was scared that he would effectively lose his memory of him around, as if it was just an object he could misplace.
 
He couldn’t stand him thinking that, it was the most absurd thing he’d ever heard; he stepped closer to him again and put his hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at him. Daesung seemed scared, really, utterly terrified and the older felt like crying again; how could he think something like that? His lips curled up in a comforting smile, anyway, because he needed him to know how much he meant to him, he needed him to know that he could never, ever, forget him; he caressed his soft skin and began to speak, knowing that he couldn’t stop once he started.
 
“Kang Daesung, I could never forget you. You’re under my skin, in my bones, in my veins, in my soul, in my very being. You’re the centre of my core, you’re marked with fire on my heart; forgetting you would be like forgetting myself. You won’t be there but you’ll be everywhere, in the ground, in the sky, in the sun, in the air I breathe.” he hadn’t let go of his face and he hadn’t stopped looking at him for a second, and he was amazed by his own strength; it was never easy for him to express his feelings, and he had just done it without even thinking about it.
 
Daesung gaped at him, probably wondering what to say back; not finding anything that satisfied him enough, he leaned against him, his hands flat on his chest, and left a kiss on the corner of his lips; Seunghyun closed his eyes and waited for him to step back and out of the door, away from him. He let him slip away and let his scent fade away, losing itself into the air in front of him.

He kept his eyes closed when he heard the sound of his shoes against the floor, walking further away from him. He kept his eyes closed when he heard the door opening and a whiff of wind reached him from the outside. He kept his eyes closed when there wasn’t a sound anymore. He kept his eyes closed when he heard the door closing. He kept his eyes closed when his mind was filling with memories of the night, memories of their life as it used to be. He kept his eyes closed even remembering that he couldn’t have this, remembering that Daesung wasn’t his to have and that he was going to lose him even if he’d said he wasn’t and… His eyes snapped open and he started running before he could even realise it.
 
“Daesung-ah!” he cried after him, while opening the door and flying out dressed with only his pyjama and his house-coat, barefoot; the younger turned around in time to catch him in his arms, and their lips collided in the middle. In that moment, it didn’t matter who could see them, if didn’t matter that they were basically kissing out in the open, it seemed like they were the last people on earth, that everything had disappeared and only them remained.

Seunghyun had his hands tightened on the back of Daesung’s jacket, holding onto him like he was drowning. Perhaps he was, slowly sinking at the bottom of his mind, with no hope, no love, no glory and no happy ending.
 
This time, when he let him go, he only looked at him as he disappeared, without turning back, because they both knew they wouldn’t be strong enough if they could see each other’s eyes. He leaned against his closed door for a second, trying to persuade himself to forget everything, because it was better that way. He still didn’t know what was going in his head, he didn’t know what everything that had happened that night had happened; it was better to forget, because remembering would be too painful.