For yy

_______________________

I’m sorry.

I hated you. I really did.

Because you were always perfect… and I wasn’t. I was never perfect enough to match you, and it haunted me.

I hated you, too, because you made me feel stupid. You, who were always smart, clever, and put together, made me feel so damn stupid, all the time. I was always inferior to you, wasn’t I?

But most of all, I felt stupid next to you, because you made me fall for you.

I fell for you, hard.

***

The closeness was the worse. Whenever we were close – damn the closeness – I’d feel so out of place, so jittery. It was silly, really. But as much I didn’t want to admit it, I’d feel so safe next to you.

Safe behind your arms, it was the best feeling in the world.

***

I knew I had nothing to fear with you around. I could actually make mistakes – be myself – and it’ll be okay. It’ll always be okay because –

Because you were always there to fix the things I broke.

***

But you were weak, too, you know?

It had been so weird – and yet so natural – when you lost your voice, and I was the one who picked up the broken pieces.

It had always been you who did that.

It had felt so natural for me, to go up to you and rub your back, saying soothing words I myself tried to understand. But it didn’t matter, because –

It’s okay, it’s okay.

We believe in you.

It’s okay – don’t bother about what they say –

Because there had been so many nasty comments. I always gritted my teeth when I heard them.

You had turned to me, those protective hands of yours quivering with uncertainty, and my mind had gone numb at the fear in your eyes.

I don’t know.

… I’m doing my best.

– Help me.

I had no trouble reading your thoughts, and I just had to do something – anything – to