He can’t find the strength to show himself to them, too ashamed of his actions, so he goes to Jinae’s room.

Zhiyu and Jinae are curled up under the covers, Zhiyu reading her a book. Jinae hasn’t wanted a story before bed in so long, preferring to read herself a book, but he guesses all the fighting and screaming calls for some calm reading to get her to sleep. Sehun is a coward, though, because he doesn’t go into that bedroom, either.

Finally, he heads to his and Luhan’ bedroom. He finds the door cracked open, and he assumes that it’s for the kids’ benefit. He listens for any noise, and he hears little heartbreaking sniffs and shuddering breaths. All he wants to do is go in there and wrap his arms around him and apologize profusely, but Luhan hates him, and Sehun still can’t figure out how he could ever cheat on Luhan. There’s a burning desire to throw himself down the stairs because he barely knows anything that’s going on anymore and he’s ruining his entire family, not just his relationship with Luhan.

Instead of throwing himself down the stairs, though, he walks down them to clean up the large mess left by their company. Cleaning won’t win Luhan over, but it’s a start, at the least. Luhan will be pleasantly surprised when he wakes up and finds everything in good shape. Once everything looks spotless, Sehun lies on the couch and throws a blanket over his legs. He knows Luhan wants him out of the house, but he has nowhere to go. His mum’s house is over an hour away and all of his friends hate him, so he doesn’t really have the choice right now.

They do still own the first flat they lived in, but it’s currently occupied by a newlywed couple renting it out. But Sehun has a feeling he’s going to have to call them and ask them politely to leave so he can move himself in, and out of Luhan’ life. He doesn’t want to, but he doesn’t blame Luhan for hating him, and he really doubts he wants him to stay in the house right now. He’s going to have to face Luhan at some point today, so he’ll deal with it later. Tomorrow.

Sehun stares up at the ceiling and waits for sleep to come, but it never does. He’s too anxious and guilty to even close his eyes for too long. He has this irrational fear that Luhan will come downstairs and stab him in the chest, but that’s obviously not going to happen, or at least, not with the kids still in the house. For he doesn’t know how long, he wonders if Luhan still loves him or not. If the roles were reversed, Sehun would be ruined. He genuinely can’t think about what it would be like if Luhan cheated on him, but it’s a fear he never has to have, because he knows Luhan would never do something so stupid. He has no idea why he did this to them.
~
In the morning, the sun is barely cracking through the windows, but Sehun can’t stand to lie there anymore, so he gets up and starts breakfast. He hasn’t made breakfast in months, and he’s sure the kids miss his famous chocolate chip pancakes with a smidge of nutella hidden inside and topped with strawberries. Luhan doesn’t even bother attempting it, because it’s Sehun’s thing, and he lets him take the reigns on it. It was, admittedly, the first thing Sehun ever made for Luhan.

After getting the batter ready, he checks the clock. It’s only six, meaning the house should be quiet for at least another few hours. Sehun is already losing his mind. He’s got nothing to do for at least two hours, when Joshua is due to wake up. He can’t make the pancakes now, or else they’ll turn cold, and Luhan and the kids will only be more disappointed with him.

Eventually, he grabs his keys and goes to the grocery store to pick up food to make a light lunch and a big, fancy roast for dinner. He’s got the day off, anyway, so instead of lying to go spend the day with Jeongwu, he’s going to spend it with his family and try to make things right, no matter how long it takes.

When he gets back home, it’s still quiet in the house, so he puts everything away and busies himself with whatever he can. Finally, around 7:30, Joshua starts to cry, so he rushes up to his room and picks him up before he can wake Luhan up.

“Hi, baby,” Sehun murmurs and kisses his forehead. He bounces him on his hip and the fine hairs on his head. “Happy New Year, sweetheart. You must be hungry, yeah? Let’s find you some breakfast.” His voice is soft and Joshua calms down, resting his head on Sehun’s shoulder and sighs. When Sehun walks out of his room to go back downstairs, Luhan is standing there wearing one of Sehun’s university hoodies. His eyes are red and puffy, and he’s got the hood pulled over his messy hair. He’s staring at Sehun like a deer in headlights.

“Hey, good morning. I was just making breakfast and I heard him cry. I got him though, so you can go back to bed for a little while if you’d like.”

Luhan crosses his arms over his chest and watches Sehun for a moment. Sehun feels so exposed. He doesn’t know what Luhan wants.

“What are you doing here?” Luhan asks, voice wrecked and raw. Sehun used to love the sound of that, after a long night with his husband and Luhan could barely talk or walk. It was a sign that Sehun had done well.

“What?” Sehun furrows his eyebrows.

“I distinctly remember asking you to get out of my house.”

“I—I didn’t have anywhere to go, Luhan,” Sehun stutters. “I just figured you were upset.”

“Oh, did you? Thought I might be upset after finding out you’ve been sleeping with someone else for a year? How could I be upset about that?”

“I made pancakes,” Sehun says weakly. “And I cleaned up last night’s mess.”

“Oh, pancakes and a clean house, that makes up for you cheating!” Luhan says sarcastically.

“That’s…that’s not what I meant,” Sehun struggles to find a coherent thought.

“I just want you to leave, Sehun. Please. I need to be alone and think.”

“But it’s New Year’s, where am I going to go?”

“You can drive up to Cheshire and spend some quality time with your parents and explain to them why you did such a stupid, idiotic thing that got you kicked out of your house on New Year’s.”

Before Sehun even has time to open his mouth, Luhan is storming back to his room. Sehun doesn’t even know what to do, but Joshua is hungry, and damn it if he’s going to ruin another relationship with another child. He won’t allow it. So, he takes Joshua downstairs into the kitchen. He puts him into the highchair and cuts up a banana with a small bowl of dry cheerios. Joshua seems thrilled with his, his fingers and face sticky and he can’t seem to stop giggling. Well, for right now, Joshua doesn’t hate him, and that’s a win.

The kids come down not much longer, Luhan trailing behind them with Taehyung tucked in his arms. Sehun gives them all a small smile, but it’s not returned.

“Happy New Year.”

“Here, baby, go eat,” Luhan says quietly to Taehyung, putting him down. The kids all sit around the table and dig into the food while Luhan grips Sehun’s bicep, nails digging in, and dragging him to the corner of the room.

“I asked you to leave. Twice. And you’re still here. Can you see why I’m angry?” Luhan seethes.

“It’s New Year's, Lu. I want to spend it with my kids.”

“I didn’t know it had to be a national holiday for you to want to spend time with them. It’s obvious you haven’t been to invested in them for the past year, since you were far more interested in your boyfriend. If you loved me like you claim you do, you would respect my wishes and get the hell out of my house.”

“Luhan, please, don’t do this. Don’t throw away over twenty years over my stupid mistake,” Sehun begs, close to tears now. He looks at the hoodie Luhan is wearing, Sehun’s hoodie, and there’s still the large red wine stain on the sleeve from near