Chapter One

❤

➸ January 21, 2014 - Dara

“I just wish you were a better man.” I whispered softly. I let out a slow sigh and looked down.

“I wish I was one too,” Jiyong confessed. Jiyong looked outside the window and watched the snow fall, then pile up on the ground after.

I found myself staring at him, lost in memories that occurred before today.

The memories came flooding in as I was staring at his side profile.

I thought about our first-year anniversary. We celebrated it at an expensive restaurant that Jiyong surprised me with. I knew deep down that Jiyong couldn’t afford it and would be budgeting for a while. I had brought this up to him that day, and requested that we move to another restaurant, but he adamantly denied that suggestion and constantly told me to not worry about it.

He told me he loved me for the first time that day. A year seems pretty long to wait for those three words, but I knew it meant a lot. Jiyong was never the one to show many emotions, a quality I hated and loved about him, and had confessed to me that although he had many girlfriends, one never lasted over 6 months, and he had never loved any of them.

Then I thought about our second-year anniversary. We celebrated it at my apartment. I fell sick and had to cancel our dinner reservations. I felt guilty but Jiyong assured me that all he needed was my company. Instead of eating out, Jiyong cooked us a meal and we enjoyed watching my favorite romantic comedy movies that were super cringe-worthy. We spent the night laughing and cuddling together.

I had done a lot of firsts with Jiyong. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, and my very first. I felt it was the right time to let Jiyong in, and even though he was still willing to wait, I couldn’t. I knew that I wanted him to be the first, because I knew how much I loved him.

On our third anniversary, we exchanged our keys to our apartments. This brought us to a new level in our relationship. It revealed how much we trusted and loved each other.

As I stared into his eyes at the café, I thought about our four-year anniversary. The turning point of everything. We were both busy with our new careers, with just becoming newly college graduates. As I was busy working as an event planner, Jiyong was busy working under a small company. He had dreams of owning his own business, and I dreamt of becoming a well-known, sought out event planner.

We had planned to go to the same restaurant that we celebrated our first anniversary in after we both ended work. I ran inside the restaurant, thinking that Jiyong was waiting for me, since I was running late. To my surprise, the waitress told me that my date hasn’t arrived yet, and so I sat down waiting for Jiyong. Thirty minutes e hour. One hour turned into three. I constantly called Jiyong, but he never answered any of them.

            I left the restaurant, embarrassed that I didn’t order anything and stayed there until they closed for the day. I went back to my apartment and plopped right into bed. I felt so ty. Jiyong had been recently canceling and postponing dates due to work. He had been getting more opportunities at work and was even up for a promotion.

            After Jiyong apologized for missing our anniversary, everything seemed normal again, until it wasn’t. Jiyong kept missing and canceling our dates, and I felt like I was becoming a second priority to him, when he always put me first before.

            I felt selfish.

            I hated myself. Jiyong was only working hard, while I had petty thoughts and complained to myself about coming in second.

            I even started nagging him.

Our conversations started to sound like this on a daily basis:

            “Again?” I whined.

            “Sorry Dara, I really want to see you, but I have to work late tonight... forgive me?” Jiyong begged.

            “Yeah, sure.” I gave in.

It led me to constantly agreeing and pretending as if I didn’t have a problem with it. It was a constant motion, until I couldn’t hold it in any longer:

“Jiyong, you’re always working.”

“Jiyong, you never have time for me.”

“Jiyong, do I not matter anymore?”

“Jiyong, is work really that important?”

“Jiyong, just tell them you can’t work!”

“Jiyong, your work isn’t even that important!”

That last one made him angry and disappointed in me. Hell, I was disappointed in myself for saying that.

Once Jiyong accepted my apology for that statement, things went back to how it was again. I decided to become passive again, and let things slide. Afraid of pushing Jiyong away, I accepted all his excuses and kept it bottled in. In order to not stay focused on our relationship, I decided to keep myself busy with work. I took in more hours, more cases, and found myself going home late as well. This meant that I didn’t have time to put in effort for setting up dates.

This led us to not talking to each other as often.

It led us to not even seeing each other as often.

It made me sad. I constantly missed Jiyong and missed how we used to be.

I decided to skip work one day and set up a date with him. I felt that it was needed.

Surprisingly, Jiyong agreed and we made reservations at the expensive restaurant we celebrated our first anniversary at.

I was in the middle of getting ready for our date when I got a text from Jiyong.

From: Ji

Sorry babe, I might have to cancel tonight. Work needs me to attend an important dinner today. I couldn’t refuse :/ Please don’t be mad! I promise to reschedule. Love you.

I didn’t have the energy to reply. I looked at myself in my bathroom mirror and realized how tired I looked. Work wa