Chapter 16 – What are we?

Mina

I could see Jungkook out of the corner of my eye and I kept my attention on him while everyone tried to eat with the most awkward silence hanging in the air.

I was counting the seconds to see how fast I could finish the food without increasing my choking hazard, all so I could bolt out of here as soon as possible. It was one thing to have a showdown with Jungkook but it was an entirely different thing to be the center of many curious gazes that were looking for the first opportunity to pry. My fears were confirmed when Jin finally cleared his throat.

“So how was Jungkook like back then?” He paused as if thinking. “I bet he was still a pain in the .”

That eared a few chuckles while Jungkook glared at Jin but soon the humor of the question was gone and everyone was looking at me expectantly, waiting to have their curiosity satisfied.

All I did was shrug before looking at Jungkook for any indication as to how he wanted me to answer that. Did he want me to talk? Did he not want me to talk? I had zero intentions of brining up his past, ever. One, because I know he couldn’t be comfortable with it and two, because if it ever got exposed, it would be splashed across media for all to see. Sure, everyone knew to some extent that the BTS boys had worked hard and have built themselves up from nothing but I don’t think anyone knew just how deprived Jungkook’s childhood was before he made it. In this situation though, he was the one who had shouted his past in my face, literally.

“He was still a cute bunny back then too.” I grinned. Deflecting as best I could when he didn’t give me any indication as to what to do. Once again everyone broke out into laughter but all of them had knowing looks on their faces that said they knew what I was doing.

“Were you guys together back then?” It was Jimin asking the question this time as he looked between us. Well that certainly escalated quickly.  

“No, we were friends.” Jungkook was quick to shoot down that path but for some reason Jimin had a doubtful look on his face while he looked between the two of us again and shrugged.

“Pop quiz.” Suga called out without warning. “ Who was your first kiss?”

I froze at the question while Jungkook whined “Guys come-on. What are we? Middle schoolers?”

“Well?” Suga looked at me, probably realizing that he wasn’t going to get any answers from Jungkook. If I wasn’t in such a panic I would have realized how personal that question is and would have asked Suga to go to hell with his prying but I was panicking and one look at Jungkook was all I needed to know that he did not want that misconception going anywhere. Well hello ouch!

“He’s not my first kiss.” I blurted out blushing from head to toe and then relaised how defensive I sounded. In my need to rectify the situation quickly, the next words that left my mouth was plain stupid. “Minjun was, he asked me out many times and finally I just kissed him.” I don’t know why I was explaining so much but that’s the thing with lying. You tried to be convincing that it’s the truth by over explaining.

“The hell he was.” Jungkook slammed his cutlery down on his plate making me jump at the noise. “I would have broken his arms if he ever touched you like that.” Another awkward silence. I probably shouldn’t have brought up his bully in my tale of lies but they put me on the spot and my mind had gone blank. That was the one lie that had come to my mind. “I was her first kiss and she was mine. Happy now?” He glared at all the guys.

“So you guys were together?” It was J-hope this time. Was anyone not curious about us?

“No, it was a good bye kiss.” I blushed again while trying to explain the truth this time. “The next time I saw Jungkook, he was up on the stage and I was in the audience at a concert.” Wow, the nostalgia. This trip down memory lane was making me feel all choked up again but that was nothing new. Just looking at Jungkook made me want to bawl my eyes out these days.

“Did you know that he gave a picture of you to our concert security each and every time?” Jimin broke in and my gaze snapped up to him with shock. “If you ever tried to get to him at any one of those concerts, no one would have stopped you.” He shrugged. “The VIP treatment for his very first fan he told us.”

My attention was already on Jungkook, Jimins voice just an echo in the background. “You remembered.” I whispered, feeling torn between wanting to cry and wanting to kiss him, none of those reactions appropriate.

“I know you will have so many fans when you make it big but don’t forget that I was your very first fan.” He echoed my words from back then. “I didn’t forget.”

“Oh Jungkook.” I couldn’t have stopped my hand from reaching his cheek even if they were tied behind my back. Instinctively he leaned into my palm when I cupped his cheek, turning to meet my eyes. Everyone and everything just simply faded into the background while I read the frustration, hesitance and confusion in his eyes. “I’m sorry I underestimated us.”

I instantly knew he took my words the wrong way when his eyes flashed with hurt on top of all those other emotions. I didn’t mean me dismissing our friendship, I meant about me not having enough confidence to think that my friendship meant that much to him. Just like that I knew that I would have to bury my love behind a big thick unreachable wall to keep it well and truly away from him. I couldn’t let my wayward feelings ruin something so precious to him. I just couldn’t do it.

Before I could clarify he pushed away from me, standing up. “Jungkook.” I interrupted, feeling terrible for hurting him but all he did was grab my hand, pulling me up with him to leave the crowded dinner table with all these other prying eyes and ears. 

We both remained silent, me following him, as he led us both into his room, closing the door behind us before turning to me.

“Will you really do this Mimi? To me?” He shook his head as if he just couldn’t come to terms with whatever messed up thing he was thinking about.

“Stop Jungkook. Whatever you’re thinking, that’s not it.” I sighed with regret. “I’ve loved you since the first day I met you Jungkook and that never changed.” It felt damn good, telling the truth for once, though I knew he would interpret my feelings to be more of a love between friends than lovers, that had always been the case.

“So why is it so hard for you to accept that I never changed either?” I didn’t even have to respond to that before he started defending himself. “Okay so a lot has changed and you are right, I have changed but not in the way I still love you.” Though I knew what he meant, hearing those words from him was both heaven and hell, happiness and heartbreak, all at the same time. “And I swear to god if you ask me why, I think I may just bang my head against the wall.”

I felt my shoulders droop down at the misery I was feeling. There was a moment of silence before he fell down onto the bed with a frustrated curse. “Come here.” He patted next to him. I only hesitated for a second before I joined him. He was leaning against the headboard while I took a tentative seat but my hadn’t even touched the mattress properly before he was pulling me close for a hug.

“I care about you Mina, I ing care.” I know he didn’t mean to but his words couldn’t have been more hurtful even if he tried. I wanted to scream that I wanted his heart not his care and concern. I was being an unappreciative greedy and I was well aware of it. Instead of voicing my pain, I let go with the tears instead. I needed to let it out someway or I was going to explode. His arms tightened on my waist when he felt me crying. He pulled my face into his chest, as if he was trying to absorb my pain like his t-shirt was doing to my tears. “That means that when you have no money, you don’t for it, you come to me so I can take care of it. Why? Because I care.” He ran his hand through my hair, trying to comfort me while I was being a sorry mess on him. “That means when you are sad and hurting, you don’t cry in a corner by yourself, you come to me so I can comfort you. Why? Because I care.” I felt his lips graze the crown of my head as he kissed me on my head. “It means that when you are sick you come to me, so I can look after you. Why? Because I ing care.” He pulled me back a little so he could look into my eyes. “Just like you did to me back then.” I cried even harder at his words. “That’s okay, you can cry and let it all out because it’ll all be okay now, you’ll be okay now. We will be okay.” He mumbled into my hair.

“You don’t know that.” I hiccupped trying to get my words out, calling him out on some silly words he was using to comfort me.

“I don’t but I know now that I’ve found you again, I will always protect you.” And just like that he turned a few silly words meant to comfort just anyone into the words that meant more than the universe to me.

I couldn’t stop myself when I reached up and kissed him again. There was no hesitation whatsoever when I clung on to him as he kissed me back. He my lips, I opened for him. My teeth nibbled on his lower lips while he tangled his tongue with mine, until we had to break it up to breath. I wasn’t sure whether it was us just understanding that there were some big fat grey areas in our messed up but beautiful friendship or simply giving into ignorance, taking the easy way out by pretending it never happened but neither one of us panicked or pushed away while we both slid down the bed to get more comfortable. My head was once again resting on his chest. Our toxic and hurtful but mind-blowing interaction in the showers a few days ago was never brought up for discussion, the same way we never talked about why I just kissed him and he actually kissed me back. We just lay there, embracing, for comfort? for familiarity? for old times sake? Neither of us knew and didn’t want to categorize anything. At least he didn’t, I on the other hand wanted this to mean so much more but knew it didn’t.

“Will you sing for me?” I finally broke the comfortable silence. “Like old times?” I wasn’t sure whether he would find it weird but I wanted to hear him sing so badly. “I want to hear my angel sing.”

He chuckled at the old joke. “What do you want me to sing?”

“Anything. I just want to hear your voice.” I made myself more comfortable against him while he cleared his throat.

He started with a hum that I felt in the deepest crevices of my heart. It had always been like that. His voice got me like nothing else. My one true weakness, even more so that he himself.

Please don’t see…

Just a boy caught up in dreams and fantasies.

Please see me reaching out for someone I can't see

Take my hand let's see where we wake up tomorrow

Best laid plans sometimes are just a one night stand

I'd be damned Cupid's demanding back his arrow

So let's get drunk on our tears and …..

He sang me the entire song, his lips almost grazing my ears, his voice drowning in conflicting emotions. I didn’t mistake it for more that what it was. Jungkook has always been an emotional singer. Even back in the day. That was why his singing was that much more powerful, that much more special.

A/N: This was a bitter sweet chapter. Hope you guys enjoyed the moments.