Jongdae.

 

Jongdae, where are you?

 

She turned around herself and saw nothing but darkness. Background noise was buzzing in her ears, but she knew there was nothing out there, she was alone and cold and…

 

No. Not alone.

 

Her eyesight slowly got accustomed to the dark. She now recognized that she was surrounded by trees, their branches long and strong and their leaves slowly rustling in the cold night wind.

 

She had never been at this place before, yet she felt as if she had been here a thousand times in the past. She felt as if something important had happened, something important was here and she needed to find it.

 

A scarf was wrapped around her arms, and she recognized that she was wearing a dress. Although dark gave away no colors, she somehow knew it was colored like blood.

 

Jongdae?

 

She slowly started walking, although her steps seemed to take her farther away than usually. She was fast, and did not mind walking around in high heels. She did not trip on any of the stones, or lose her balance for a moment. She followed the sound of the buzzing, and it grew stronger and stronger, threatening to make her ears burst. What was that sound?

 

She saw a silhouette standing at the edge of some cliff - again, she felt as if she was having a deja vu, and instead of darkness, she found herself expecting something entirely else when her feet carried her next to the silhouette of a tall, lean man.

 

His skin glistened in the moonlight. He was so pale that she almost saw it glisten in the pale light of the night. The surface of the clear lake water was reflected in his eyes - how did she know that their color resembled the most beautiful brown color she had ever seen?

 

“Jongdae…” she whispered. It sounded so wrong, like a growl, when it was supposed to be a plead, a gratitude, a memory…

 

An apology.

 

“Dalbit,” he whispered in the exact tone that she could not manage to achieve. “You look stunning tonight.”

 

Her hands found themselves intertwined in his own, and it felt so comfortable, so familiar; have they been doing this for years?

 

As she gazed in his eyes and they started spinning on the edge of a cliff in the moonlight, she did not regret not bothering to glance at the silver lake. It did not matter; nothing but this fragile human being that was standing above her, with love radiating off his skin and seeping into her bones, this being that was completely hers to love and obey had any meaning in the world.

 

“Soon the sun will rise,” he breathed in her ear. “We don’t have time, dalbit. The moon will not protect you for much longer.”

 

“This is my world,” she replied, her finger tracing his carotide. He gulped, as if knowing what was going through her mind. “Let’s stay in it, Dae, just a little while longer.”

 

“You know I would do anything you wanted.” His breath was playful, dangerously close to her lips now, hovering over her cheek and making her skin warm. She felt as if she had not found warmth for a long, long while.

 

She looked into his eyes again. Beside the invisible brown, beside the silver and the darkness of the night, when all love and infatuation was swept away…

 

She saw something.

 

Dae? Is that you?

 

And it was colored like her scarf, like her dress.

 

“And I would do anything you wanted. Even if you did not dare say it.” She found herself kissing his neck as his hands wrapped around her frame. She kicked her heels with her feet, now touching the wet, cold grass with her toes. This was home.

 

“This is your world, dalbit,” he whispered back. Her shawl fell off her hands, and she imagined it as it flew farther and farther until it touched the surface of the lake. “But it is not mine. You know I cannot stay here.”

 

The scarf was getting consumed by the water. Water mixed with fire, and they started dancing together, neither hoping to win, neither hoping to survive. He spun her around and her head got dizzy; from the feeling of his skin on hers or from the hot buzz in her ears, she did not know.

 

“Now do it.”

 

Chen?

 

She looked into his eyes again, one last time. The fire was there. It called out to her, it matched her own and wanted to be consumed by her.

 

The scarf slowly spun to the bottom of the lake, away from the sun’s rays, away from the moon’s light, away from life and love and…

 

Her fangs sunk into his neck.

 

She now finally knew where the buzzing came from.

 

His gasp of pain was pleasure to her ears as she took one big gulp of the essence that made him who he was. She would never get enough of this; she would never get enough of him.

 

She would never let him see the light again.

 

Chen… I am sorry.

 

Lamiya remembered.

 

She remembered everything now.

 

She remembered her gasp of fear and disgust when Kris told her he wanted her to drink Chen’s blood.

 

“Little one, you have to,” he had pleaded. “I don’t want you to become like me. But it doesn’t matter what I want. I know you don’t want to be cursed like I am.”

 

She thrashed against him on the ground, although it probably looked weak to them due to the fire seeping into her bones and breaking her apart. “No,” she growled, barely recognizing her voice. “I would rather be cursed than harm him.”

 

“Yifan… my king.”

 

Her heart skipped a beat. His voice was barely a whisper, and had she not had a super-sensitive vampiric sense of hearing, she doubted she would’ve been able to hear him.

 

She opened her eyes tiredly and through blots of red she saw Kris nod at him. Then he turned at her and gave her a big, long look full of some indecipherable emotion before disappearing.

 

She could not help but gurgle - without him in close proximity, she could not hold it together any longer. Everything hurt, and all she wanted to do was fall asleep one last time and never wake up again.

 

They spent so many years teaching her about the vampire world. How come the only thing she could do now was kill her best friend, kill the man she…

 

When she gurgled again in disgust, a soft touch appeared on her cheek. He shushed her, and she felt tears pricking her eyes, she felt them fall and wet his skin, and she knew the situation was hopeless.

 

“I would rather die than…” she tried and gasped. The fire was eating her alive, and it was a matter of seconds before she turned into ashes.

 

Good. When that happened, Jongdae would no longer be in danger.

 

“Dalbit,” she heard him whisper as his fingers traced the path of her tears. “Look at me.”

 

She tried to take a deep breath and failed, and then tried to open her heavy eyelids. It hurt, and even when she’d managed to get them open, she could barely see anything but red, red and darkness, but the brown…

 

And then he smiled at her.

 

“When I first saw you, I was accompanying Kris when he took a trip to the lake on the land that belonged to the Order. I was in charge of alerting him to any unwanted presence - it was not that he feared for his life, but that he feared for what they might do to you if they found out you were being courted by a vampire.”

 

She managed to move her hand up and touch his own as it enveloped her cheek. It was so cold, yet a fire was burning in the pit of her stomach, and she wished she could give him back the blood she’d stolen from him, the blood he’d so willingly given.

 

“I didn’t pay attention to what was happening in front of me. I just kept glancing back, listening for sounds of footsteps of guards. And then the moon came out.

 

My eyes followed its light until they landed on you. Your hair looked like it was silver, and the lake behind you seemed to be glistening.”

 

“Dalbit.” His voice was now right in front of her, and she gasped again, managing to open her eyes again. She knew this was the last time, and a sob made its way out of .

 

“I fell in love with you right then and there, so many years ago. I would die for him. Let me die for you.”

 

She sobbed again, and although her eyes were now permanently closed, the image of his ghastly face was etched behind her eyelids.

 

The dream was playing out in front of her again. They were both human, under the protection of the summer sun, playing in the water with their daughter. And they were so happy, so completely without worries. She wanted to stay there forever, in that simple life that she could never have.

 

None of them could. It was either her becoming an undead creature of the night, or him dying.

 

Let me die for you.

 

She could not.

 

“Dae…” she barely managed to say in a hoarse whisper. “Dae, I…”

 

She blindly searched for his face, attempted to move him closer, and he helped her, bringing them together.

 

It was just a ghost of a touch, her lips on his own. They were both weak and exhausted, but it did not matter.

 

She would never see him smile again.

 

“It’s okay,” he said against her lips. “I know, dalbit. I know everything.

 

Don’t worry, my dear girl. Don’t worry about me.

 

Let’s make a promise, okay? I’ll meet you on the other side.

 

And I promise, when we find each other again...

 

I will be at peace.”

 

His voice rang in her ears as she was brought back to the present by a familiar lullaby. It enveloped her whole, and she snuggled into it, wanting for it to protect her from the memories, from the awareness of what she had done, how she had extinguished the light in his eyes.

 

She sobbed again and again, tears spilling from her eyes and following a straight path like shoulders. A pair of strong arms wrapped around her as she mourned, disgusted with herself, feeling guilty for having been so selfish, for putting her own good before his own, for having let him talk her into it.

 

I will be at peace.

 

“It’s okay, little one,” Yifan’s voice cooed her. “It’s alright. Let it out.”

 

It just made her sadder, the fact that she now had everything, that she got her happy ending and he got nothing. He’d loved her all those years, he was faithful to his king even so long after he’d died, and he’d never once tried to seduce her.

 

No; he’d consoled her, and helped her, and held her as she cried and cried night after night for a decade. He’d protected her, and given her his blood to keep the transformation at bay, and even tried to save her from Barbara.

 

And then he’d died for her.

 

“I want to die,” she whispered, and a small kiss planted itself onto her temple. “Kris, I want to die.”

 

He turned her around, until her head was in his chest and his fingers in her hair. “You don’t. You’re just grieving.”

 

“But how could I do that?” she said with disgust, and a new sob found its way out of . “How could I kill him?”

 

“It was what he’d wanted. It was his last wish. He’d died with a smile on his face. The least we can do is honor his wishes and be happy, too.” Kris’ voice was calm and deep; he was a couple thousand years older than she was, after all.

 

She sighed and nuzzled into his cold body, attempting not to feel any comfort and wanting to punish herself with detaching herself from her feelings for Yifan, but she found herself feeling breathless and her stomach turning in nervousness.

 

After a minute or an hour of silence, small kisses on her head and her fingers crunching the fabric of his button-up shirt to the point of fabric-tearing, he stood up and enveloped her with his arms. She did not want to see the world; she felt too humiliated, too disgusted and too unhappy. It would be ungraceful to enjoy the beauty of nature. It would be too insolent to let herself be happy.

 

Kris walked and walked, and a rush of fresh air made her shiver in fear, her face hidden in the hollow of his neck.

 

He started humming again, his fingers playing with her hair. “It’s okay, little one. Just stay with me for a little while longer.”

 

She dared to take a peek at his face. It was dark outside, and the sky was a palette of many colors as the dusk gave way to the night, but she did not pay attention.

 

He was alive, and he was her Kris, the man who’d loved her for such a long time, the man who’d been taken away from her so violently, who’d been controlled and taken against his will, who’d lost his entire empire and so many friends. Tao…

 

She made a little sound in , and he stopped walking, leaning down to kiss the new tears away before they found a way out. “Trust me,” he whispered. She expected him to kiss her, but he made no such attempts, for which she was grateful.

 

She could not… and she would not be able for a long time to come, if ever.

 

The bond he’d mentioned… It probably told him everything about her feelings. She was too out of her mind to be able to tune into it or even think about it, though - all she wanted was to go somewhere where Jongdae was not dead and where she could hear his laugh again.

 

Kris started walking again, and she noticed that there were no creases in his face. His eyebrows were not furrowed. He did not seem sad, though, per usual, there was some indecipherable emotion in his red-rimmed eyes. He seemed even… happy.

 

He was happy that she was alive. She gulped. Perhaps she had been too harsh on him, too focused on her own pain. But he’d loved Chen too, so he must’ve grieved the loss while she was sleeping. She still did not know for how long she’d been out, but she suspected it had been a long time.

 

She sneaked a small kiss onto his neck and though she could not bear to look at him, from the redness tinting her cheeks to the insecurity that was pooling in her stomach, because it has been so long, does he even still love me, does he even remember, she still knew he was smirking at her.

 

The moon rose and shone upon them, and Kris was still walking, and Lamiya still refused to look at anything but his face. His pace was human the entire time, his face peaceful, fixated on some spot in the distance. Lamiya watched the sky turn from red and purple to blue and then indigo, the stars waving their hello to their old friend whom they hadn’t seen in a long while.

 

Yet she could not bear look at where they were, at where they were going. She wanted to remember this path so well, and she wondered what flowers he would love the most, so that she could take them the next time they went to visit his resting place…

 

She found herself crying again as they walked in silence, the night wind rustling Kris’ hair and making him seem almost human in the pale light. This time, the tears were slow and she did not feel the need to sob and disintegrate - it had already happened once, and now there was nothing left to crumble. Nothing but this man whom she still could not believe was alive and well was holding her together.

 

If he let her go, she would just remain where she was, waiting for the wind to carry her away.

 

So she focused on the man who’d kissed her in the cave where his coffin was, the man who’d sang her a lullaby every night for years as she slowly lost her mind, and wished the image of Jongdae’s eyes illuminated by the sun’s rays away.

 

And then they arrived to their destination.

 

Kris’ arms remained around her as he gently put her down. Her legs were too weak to keep her up, so she leaned on him, thankful for his weight and for the fact that he was there. Her mate. Although she was human again, it still meant something. It meant everything.

 

She looked up for the first time since she became human again.

 

They were somewhere in mount Wutaishan, surrounded by hills and cliffs and the big mountain peaks in the distance. The whole world was illuminated by the full moon, giving the Earth an angelic glow suitable for an occasion like this.

 

Jongdae was an angel, after all.

 

She took a deep breath for the first time. It was autumn; she could see the leaves falling in the gentle wind, and her eyes followed their path up and up into the endless void that would take them home.

 

Peace.

 

Kris’ arms wrapped around her and she made her first painful step that would not be possible without his superhuman strength. Through the endless dried grass, the withered flowers of summer and the golden leaves of fern they went.

 

Home.

 

Tears welled up in her eyes. Far in the distance, the river roared, the stream strengthened by the autumn rain. It sang about love that passes like the melted snow in March, about life that is as fragile as a gentle flower caught in the cold stream, and about hope that springs up from the depths like a drop of water that is unique and its own although indiscernible among all the other drops, so alike it.

 

He was not like any other drop.

 

And this was not like any other dream; this was the dream, and if she turned, she would be able to find the exact place where she’d woken up in the sunlight. She would be able to trace her steps back to the very beginning - or was it the end?

 

She had imagined this to be the end of the story.

 

Yet here she was, with her mate supporting her, a part of her she could not live without.

 

And she was crying.

 

The autumn wind howled, mourning for summer, his love he could never be with, because as she was filled with life, he took that life away. He could never touch her, because her flowers would wither, her sun’s warmth would disappear, her light would dim and her laughter would stay caught in as she saw everything she lived for die.

 

So the autumn howled, dreaming about her, as he lulled the flower heads to sleep gently so that she could wake them up when she arrived. And he would hide in the shadows, always watching her, memorizing her every move, her every smile and every crease around her eyes so that he could dream.

 

The autumn wind closed its eyes and danced. The trees’ branches danced along with it, the leaves joining every move until they became a tangle of golden, red and brown…

 

Brown…

 

There was no little girl.

 

There was no sunlight.

 

There was no vampire hunter.

 

He’d fulfilled his promise to her.

 

I promise, when we find each other again...

 

I will be at peace.

 

The winter crossed the river, which knew his heart and hid his secret. It whispered of love, the most beautiful kind; a love that lived only when she was happy, and she could only be happy without him.

 

But instead of getting lost in the mountain peaks and tangling in snow, the winter wind wrapped around a dream and remained there. They would sleep together, and dream of the sun, without ever being able to get touched by the light.

 

From the darkness, a silhouette turned towards her.

 

He was peacefully dreaming, she knew, and she wanted to do nothing more than fall asleep and dream with him. But this was not her world, and she could not remain there. When the dalbit gave way to the sun's rays, he would disappear.

 

The moonlight shone upon them, and they danced into forever, the wind tangling around them. Everything disappeared except for the dream. The autumn wind howled again, whispering words she could not understand, the lost poetry the summer would never hear, but whose traces she would find everywhere as she gently touched the world with her fingers.

 

She would never know how much autumn loved her.

 

As a lone tear found its way onto her cheek, it reflected not the face of a man, but a dream…

 

And he smiled.