[2012]

[2012]

The thing about being in college is, you begin a new semester and you play around here and there for what feels like two weeks, and then comes midterm. You play around for what feels like two more weeks, and then comes the finals. Especially between papers to collect, essays to submit, and lab reports be done in groups.

For Jiwon, between them there are music to compose, lyrics to write, and stages to perform at.

Also Hanbin to hang out with from time to time.

It has been quite a routine for them to hang out, whether to just sit around in the library (with Hanbin studying and Jiwon writing lyrics), or Hanbin sitting and watching Jiwon and his team swim relay (he already re-joined the swimming club), or just simple late night McD session after hours of studying (only for ice cream cone or McFlurry). Hanbin even hang out more with Jiwon now instead of Yunhyeong, and Jiwon had found Hanbin’s companion easy and comfortable.

Jiwon is still trying to make sense of his Thermodynamics module—that cannot seem to cooperate at all. The first day of final exam is always the most annoying, especially when people around him starts being tense and sensitive caused by lack of proper nutrition and excessive caffeine intake. That includes Hanbin and Yunhyeong.

“Why do you keep hanging out in my faculty?”

Jiwon looks at Yunhyeong who brings his laptop with heavy books on top of it. He takes a seat right in front of Jiwon, He still looks very good for someone who is in a battle with final exam, that honestly doesn’t upset Jiwon anymore.

“Eeey if it isn’t Song—”

“Greet me like a civilized human being here, Jiwon. I have reputation to maintain.”

Jiwon chuckled—why do these medical students care so much about reputation, anyway? Hanbin also always shoot him a glare if he’s being too loud or too hyperactive in public. Jiwon sometimes calls them ‘The Stiffs’—both looked mad at first, but Jiwon understands that truths are hard to accept sometimes.

“Where’s the other Stiff? Don’t tell me he’s somewhere pouring redbull into his coffee again. Oh! Is he high on energy drink again? That’d be a hilarious story to pass to my grandchildren.”

“Don’t be disrespectful, he’s actually sick,” Yunhyeong said, “…and God, that hair. It is ugly.”

“I understand if you don’t understand art.” Jiwon intentionally plays with his purple ponytail only to annoy Yunhyeong more.

Yunhyeong rolls his eyes and begins to open his book.

It’s been five days since the last time Jiwon met Hanbin. He was on edge that day, and from that encounter Jiwon had learned that he shouldn’t engage with a tense Hanbin. The younger boy just stormed out of the library after a petty argument that Jiwon didn’t even remember, and they didn’t even communicate at all after that unfortunate incident.

Jiwon had found that Hanbin will search for him when he’s all cooled down and ready to communicate again, so he wasn’t as panic as the first time it happened.

“Is he okay, though? Hanbin?”

There is this strange feeling that comes with knowing Hanbin’s sick in exam week—Jiwon thinks more about how much he would hate being sick, especially on the week where his every effort is judged by what can he write in a piece of paper. Or in fifteen minutes of verbal test, whatever works for the weird medicine students. He must be very upset, and knowing Hanbin, the sickness must be pretty bad for him to skip the final exam. He was basically running solely on caffeine and energy drink on midterm, only God knows what he would do on final exam.

“I don’t know, haven’t heard from him yet.”

“When was the last time you meet him?”

“Last week, maybe? I am quite busy. His tutor session with me is over so I don’t really see him much. I thought you see him more than I do nowadays?”

And out of everyone who knows Hanbin, Jiwon thinks that Yunhyeong should be the one who knows the most that Hanbin’s tension will reach its peak when he is pressured, especially in a final exam where he has no chance to flunk anymore, according to the boy himself, if he still wants to go home and see his sister.

“He likes my hair.”

And Jiwon can probably swear that he does try to understand thermodynamic, but the effort is futile when Hanbin occupies more than two third of his brain. Being sick at this time of the year must be horrible, especially when you are Kim Hanbin—things get a lot more complicated when you have a big fear of failure and a need to please everybody at the same time.  

“Okay, that’s it. Can you stop clicking your pen? It’s getting irritating, Jiwon, I might stab you.”

Oh, if Jiwon doesn’t know Song Yunhyeong he would think that he is joking.

“Sorry, sorry, I’ll stop,” Jiwon lifts his two hands and puts down the pen as if he is a thief who just got caught and the pen is his gun. “Okay, one question and I will go.”

“Shoot,” Yunhyeong said without moving his eyes from his text book. Oh, maybe this is the trick to make girls get curious of his cold demeanor, when actually he is a big dork with humor of those who live for more than half decade.

“Will sick Hanbin be as scary as normal Hanbin in this final week season?”

.

.

.

Something is definitely wrong with Jiwon’s priority scale, and he knows that there is nothing he can do to set it straight. He knows he screwed up when he slammed the thermodynamic module shut only after trying to comprehend every formula in the first five pages.

So there he is, in front of Hanbin’s door that is located at the nicer side of the university dormitory. The med students were given one room for themselves, much to Jiwon’s disbelief. Like damn, Namjoon needs to share a dorm with a weird boy who keeps performing some sort of strange ritual every Friday night—Jiwon suspected him to be joining a cult. From the look of the dorm itself people will know that this is the nicer space, means those who get to live here come from families with money. Hanbin is one of them, even though he sometimes dresses mimicking Jiwon’s street style, or even though he keeps wearing the same ugly pair of red Converse wherever he goes.

Jiwon fishes out his phone to dial Hanbin’s number, being all millennials about all of this, who definitely chooses to call instead of knock. At the fifth unanswered call, Jiwon starts to doubt his decision to come—bringing foods too, while at it. Maybe Hanbin isn’t sick, maybe he isn’t even inside, Jiwon has no idea. Yet he keeps calling Hanbin’s number while lightly kicking the door in front of him with the tip of his shoes.

There is a clicking sound, and then some random noises that makes Jiwon takes the phone away from his ear.

“Bin? Are you there? Hello?”

And then silence for about like five seconds.

“I am outside, in front of your door. Polite people usually let their friends in, but if this is your game, I can play it. I’m cool.”

And then silence again that Jiwon needs to check if the line is still connected.

“…wait.”

And frankly, that surprises Jiwon. If Jiwon doesn’t know better, he will not think that it was Hanbin at all. The voice was heavy, almost like an exhale. It sounded nasal that it changed the sound of his voice at all.

Two minutes passes and Jiwon can only play with the plastic bag in his right hand, swinging it back and forth when he leans onto the wall right across the door. He had stopped at the convenient store, grabbed things that he thought will be needed by a sick person. He carelessly threw milk, bread, juice box, snacks, cough syrup, paracetamol, meds for headache, stomachache, basically everything in his ray of sight. Maybe a sick person will not need that much of meds, but what does Jiwon know, really? He cannot even function without his mother’s assistance when he is sick. He basically has limited knowledge and zero experience in this field.  

Jiwon only moves when he hears keys being turned followed by the door opening very slowly.

“…Jiwon…?”

When Hanbin comes into his line of sight, Jiwon only managed to see his disheveled hair and wrinkled white shirt before the younger lets out a small breath, almost like a gasp, and his eyes rolled and the world seems to fade away for him.

Jiwon rushes to catch Hanbin as he falls forward, ignoring the plastic bag that he dropped with quite a noise of cans clinking together. Jiwon immediately drop the heavy backpack he is carrying to the ground, focusing his strength to support Hanbin’s back with his hand, hugging him tightly yet carefully not to further injure the slightly smaller boy. Lucky that Hanbin seems to be still conscious as he tries to support his own weight, albeit very slightly, while leaning mostly onto Jiwon’s body.

And boy, talking about how hot a human’s body could be (literally), Jiwon can swear that even Hanbin’s breath on his neck has a high temperature. The younger boy is literally burning, and Jiwon can even feel how hot his breath was on his neck.

“I’ve got you, buddy. Let’s get you to bed, okay, help me up a little.” Jiwon lets out a groan when he tries to hoist Hanbin up, kicking the door open with his leg and half carries the younger boy further inside. Hanbin whimpers and Jiwon feels this strange tug on his heart string just like that time he saw a sick baby in a hospital.

Hanbin was hot and sticky against Jiwon’s skin, and the sick boy doesn’t seem to have enough energy to control his own limbs. His hands are limp on his side and legs barely carry his own weight, that Jiwon has to hoist him up even further to ease his way to the bed—that feels so much farther than it actually is.

It takes a lot of Jiwon’s energy to actually be able to help Hanbin sit on his bed—that is not even high, it’s barely even half a meter. Jiwon moves away a little to look at Hanbin closely, his hands are on Hanbin’s upper arm to keep him steady. He is strangely very limp and it scares Jiwon a little bit.

“Damn, since when are you like this?”

And of course there is no response—the younger’s eyes aren’t even open. His bangs are sticky with sweat and so are the other parts of his body. His face is flushed from the fever but his lips are pale and dry. Not a pleasant sight, really, but Jiwon can about it later.

“…cold.”

“Ahhh okay, okay, sorry,” Jiwon is about to help cover Hanbin’s body with a blanket when he realizes the state the latter is in, “but you’re so sticky and gross, I’ll have to change your shirt.”

Hanbin just nods and Jiwon wants to compliment how cooperative he is when he’s sick.

“Now lay down for a while so you don’t topple over, here, lemme help,”

The whole process of changing a grown boy’s shirt, especially when he barely has enough strength to control his limbs, is a definite struggle. Hanbin was leaning on him with his full weight, despite their sitting position on the bed. Jiwon guides Hanbin’s head to lean on his shoulder while he’s trying to peel away the soaked shirt. And boy, talking about Yunhyeong being the babysitter, look at who the babysitter is now.

The heat of Hanbin’s body actually radiates that Jiwon can feel it from close proximity. Jiwon actually wants to cheer when finally Hanbin’s out of his sweat-soaked shirt.

“Bro you really are hot,”

And Hanbin has the audacity to laugh at the double entendre, the motherer really thinks it is funny when he cannot even open his eyes.

“I admire you sense of humor, really.”

The laugh was dry and weak, but it is contagious enough that Jiwon chuckles too. At least the new shirt is clean and dry, it makes Hanbin’s situation less gross, really, but of course the cultured and well-raised part of Jiwon doesn’t really make any comments about it.

Hanbin has his eyes closed the whole time and Jiwon doesn’t really know if he senses how awkward Jiwon’s movements are. But Jiwon then decides that it doesn’t matter, seeing Hanbin shivers from cold that his teeth are chattering. Without words, Jiwon helps the sick boy to lay down on his bed, a little too carefully as if he was made of wet clay—even the slightest bump will dent him.

“Yeah, sorry, sorry, I’ll give you a blanket, wait a moment,”

The way Hanbin mouthing “cold” makes Jiwon feel weird, it is just strange to see the usually sharp and active boy becomes too weak to even speak properly. Jiwon pull the blanket to cover Hanbin’s body and tuck it under his chin.

“Okay now probably because you are burning we have to get your temperature down a little bit.”

That’s when Jiwon realizes how messy Hanbin’s room is, books everywhere, pens, highlighters, markers, papers, laptop and printer are all on the floor, meanwhile on the desk there are clothes, empty bottles of mineral water, instant noodle cup, coffee cans, two bottles of red bull. The curtains are closed, the desk lamp is the only one that is on. Jiwon cannot even tell whether it is day or night outside. Wow, Hanbin really live like this on exam days.

Jiwon manages to gather a small towel and a small basin with cold water—is he supposed to wet the towel with cold or warm water? Jiwon doesn’t even know. Hanbin doesn’t move even the slightest as Jiwon combs his fingers through his sweaty bangs. Only when Jiwon places the wet towel on his forehead, Hanbin hisses, he makes those face like he’s going to cry and that reminds Jiwon of that night the first time they talked.

Jiwon sits on the floor beside Hanbin’s bed—it is low enough that he can fold his hands on the edge of the bed and rest his chin on top of his folded arms. The position gives him a clear view of Hanbin’s face—his lips are slightly parted; his cheeks are flushed red of fever. His face looks smaller with the big white towel on his forehead. He looks like a toddler, really, barely five years old.

The next thing Jiwon knows is that he had extended his hand to feel Hanbin’s cheek with his fingers—was warm, but unexpectedly soft. Jiwon wonders if other guys have cheeks this soft too? But thinking about touching Namjoon’s face when he sleeps make Jiwon wants to punch a wall.

Why is Hanbin always an exception.

Jiwon doesn’t like badly-executed jokes, but with Hanbin he laughs anyway. Jiwon doesn’t really care about what people think, but he pays attention to what Hanbin has to say. Jiwon doesn’t really care if someone is upset—their emotions are their responsibility, but Jiwon doesn’t like it if Hanbin upset. Jiwon doesn’t pay attention to his surrounding, yet he always takes mental notes of what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do, if it comes to Hanbin.

It has been going on for months but Jiwon had refused to think so much about it—damn, thermodynamics and fluid mechanics are so much more important to think about, or he will fail the semester.

So Jiwon restored the strange things again to the back of his mind, and remind himself not to open it, maybe until forever.

“Hey,” he says instead, throwing away the thoughts because it is disturbing him a lot, “have you eaten anything today?”

There is no response, as expected.

“Earth to Bin?” Jiwon pokes Hanbin’s cheek with his finger but the sick boy then lets out a groan, meaning that he’s annoyed, “Haha okay sorry, sorry, but I really need to know, have you eaten?”

Hanbin’s brows furrowed, then his head moves a little that Jiwon assumes as a ‘no’.

All Jiwon knows about treating sick people is to lower their temperature, put wet towel on their forehead and then give them paracetamol. And then make sure that they eat so they will gain energy. But of course it is not as easy as he thinks.

“Do you want to eat something? I can go out and buy some food.”

Hanbin makes a sound like light ga