[2018]

Chaos breaks in the emergency room once the ambulance arrived. There are people shouting orders, cries of pain, machine whirring, stretcher being pushed here and there. Hanbin’s mind was set to focus on his hands and his brain is working so fast that he can almost hear it. It is almost like automatic reactions how his vision narrowed to concentrate on his hands, how everything in his mind disappear just to make room to process patient per patient, and to work thoughtfully with endless needles and knives at the tip of his fingers.

There are sparks of blood on his glasses and mask, also splotch of red here and there on his light blue hospital scrub. He has been moving from one patient to another, since it is late at night and emergency room doctors are all occupied by patients from ambulance per ambulance that just keep on coming.

But it happened really quick; he was stitching a big gash on a teenage girl’s outer thigh when someone reached to grab his uniform. In split seconds a fist connected to his jaw and the force makes him fall to the ground, his back hits a cart sending it toppled over and make a mess on the white hospital floor.

Hanbin needs a minute to actually comprehend what just happened. He is so shocked that his ears are ringing, and when he looks up, three people already hold on to an angry yet sad looking man, probably in his forty, as he wants to jump on Hanbin all over again.

“You are all useless doctors, you all could have saved my son!”

Useless.

In between the ringing of his ears, that one particular word makes its way through and it feels so familiar how Hanbin really wants to claw on his skin. The word had entered his brain and it wakes up something inside there, and then a horrible feeling comes back in full force that it blinds him for a few seconds.

“I’m… I’m so sorry,” his voice sounds raspy, but he is not even surprised. He isn’t really sure why he apologizes, but it just came out as if it is the only right answer to all anger that are directed to him.

“If you cannot save people why don’t you all ing quit?! You are killing people instead of saving them!”

Useless.

It was cold, suddenly. Hanbin’s chest feels so tight and the floor is too slippery. He cannot really see but he is not sure whether it is because he lost the glasses when he fell or it was just the tears.

He was trying to get up, having not enough courage to see directly to the man’s eyes. He can hear people coming, maybe also Yunhyeong and the securities.

Hanbin is not even in a full standing position when the man launched at him once again, only managed to reach his collar before the security pulls him away. He heard every profanity, and the look of hatred in that man’s eyes will haunt him for a long time, just like every bad thing that happened in his life.

Many pairs of eyes are looking at him at the moment and Hanbin feels small and exposed—like he’s a criminal instead of a victim. He faintly hears whispers, hushed voices that mention his name in any context and meaning he cannot help but think about. His legs are still shaking, the shock of the fall and all the jumbled thoughts inside of his mind suddenly weighs down on him ten times harder. His heart thumps so fast and loud and he is not sure that his ribcage can contain such a strong pulse, so he tries to soothe them by slightly massaging his left chest with his right hand.

Hanbin then makes a mistake of sweeping his eyes across the room—only to find people looking at him with different expressions. It’s probably pity, or mockery, or maybe even disgust. He wouldn’t know. The room is suddenly getting smaller and the whispers are getting clearer. If only Hanbin can distinguish which are people’s whispers and which are the memories inside his head.

“what is wrong with doctor Kim?”

He keeps hearing his name being mentioned and it echoed inside of his head. Hanbin knows that he needs to keep collected and finish with the patient he was handling before, but he really is not sure with the way his hands tremble and his heart that threatens to break at least four of his ribs.

“Doctor, are you okay?”

Is he, though? Hanbin looks at the nurse who has a concerned expression on her face. She must be demanding for answer because they need to treat patients. But Hanbin is afraid that his weak knees will buckle when he takes just one step closer towards the stretcher.

“Doctor, can we continue?”

Hanbin knows that his breathing is getting faster and it is far from being a good sign. He wants to nod, to say yes, we can continue, but his vision narrows and his hands are clammy—his body suddenly weighs hundred kilograms and his legs will not be able to hold him up so much longer.

“Doctor Kim, are you oka—”

Hanbin hisses at that one touch on his shoulder as if ice cold water had been poured from his head and soak his whole body, he had unconsciously jerked away from it. He needs to hold on to something, anything. He cannot let himself fall because he knows he will break down just like that—in front of everybody. That thought alone makes him even more panic, the hand on his chest can no longer contain his heartbeat, and damn, now his legs are shaking.

“Doctor Kang, can you please handle this patient? I’ll take care of Doctor Kim, he’s probably injured from the fall.”

Hanbin knows that voice. He can hear the voice gets closer. Then he was being held on his waist and it shocks him, but then the voice whispers, “It’s me, it’s Yunhyeong, I’ve got you.”

Hanbin lets out a relieved sigh. He suddenly feels a lot more tired than before and he just wants to rest. He just let Yunhyeong helps him walk to wherever he wants to take him—he’s relieved. Yunhyeong had come before whole people in the emergency room witness him doubled over and breathless just because of a low blow from a frustrated man, and he’s forever thankful for him.

“Just a little more, we’re going to doctor’s room. You’re fine.”

Hanbin wants to believe in Yunhyeong, that he’s fine, he’s fine. But of course, the voice in his head and the memories, also the weak knees and heart that’s about to burst say otherwise.

Now everyone in the hospital will know how weak I actually am.

Hanbin let Yunhyeong help him walk, but he has no strength nor courage to look up from the ground. The white tile seems never ending and the smell of alcohol reminds him about how badly he had messed up this time. Yunhyeong keeps mouthing things, barely above a whisper so he can still hear it, but not loud enough for other people to catch it. Hanbin wants to whimper—he’s so tired and now the pressure on his chest begins to hurt him.

The next thing he knows is that he sat on a narrow bed, it was the lower bunk in the small room that junior doctors often use to take an hour sleep after the shift ends. Hanbin’s left hand grips on the metal bar that connects the upper and lower bunk—it’s cold against his palm and he wonder why he’s still shaking.

“Take a deep breath,”

Hanbin just obeys and do as Yunhyeong said, patting his chest as it moves up and down in rhythm with his deep inhale and exhale. It was difficult at first, the breath was shaky and his lungs don’t seem to get full enough. It’s like the air just trapped inside a small part of his lungs and he tried to inhale again deeper to reach the missing parts—which only makes his breath gets even more sha