[2018]

“Has this apartment always been this spacious?”

To himself, Hanbin whispers. He is cold and the artificial lights are too bright for his tired eyes. He sits on a barstool in their own little kitchen bar, and the sound it makes when he adjust his position reminds him that somehow they managed to do it there, not once, but twice. He remembers how he gripped those arms so strongly that the next day they find purplish marks around it. Well, things people do when they are young.

He looks at his sixth glass of coffee that day, and then he realizes that he cannot even drink it anymore. His heart is beating so loudly inside of his chest, and maybe that is also why he is sweating in the middle of a cold night. He knows he has to cut down on caffeine but it is like his personal healing. Coffee keeps him wide awake, keeps him aware. Hanbin today likes to be awake, unlike Hanbin a few years ago who prefered sleep more than anything the earth can offer.

His eyes settles on the redundant lamp that looks like a giant and tall torch. Well, it wasn’t him who picked it, he would never spend an awful lot of money on that hideous thing. The lamp has absolutely no point other than standing there and be still. It doesn’t provide enough light when it’s alone, and its light is completely gone when the other lamps are on. “The yellowish light is warm, I like warmth.” He remembered that clearly, and he wondered why he agreed.

After all, Hanbin agreed on so many things for that person.

Too many.

.

.

.

Hanbin hears that, the sound of him punching the password carelessly that he needs to repeat it twice. He only does that kind of thing either when he is too sleepy, or too drunk. Hanbin wonders which one he will encounter tonight.

Hanbin also hears that, the shoes being kicked and the car key being thrown on the shoe shelf. He expected a drunk man will stumble towards the living room but what shows up is Jiwon still in his office look; slim fit button up, loose tie and rolled up sleeves. The said man walks inside, only saying a dull ‘hey’ to Hanbin who sits on the sofa pretending to watch whatever it is that shown on the television.

There is noise coming from their bedroom, where Jiwon is currently in. The drawer being opened, the closet’s door being slammed, and a curse.

“It’s 2 AM.” Hanbin said, a little bit loud so Jiwon can hear it.

“Where is my passport?” the latter shouted.

“Well that’s a good question to ask at this hour.” Hanbin switches the channel because he is not in the mood to watch animals in the jungle trying to prey on one another.

“Seriously, I need my passport right now, I am in hurry please Hanbin help me find it,” Jiwon walked to the drawer under the television, taking out all the objects he can find inside of it and curse when he cannot find what he is looking for.

“What do you need it for, you will not get deported from South Korea even if you don’t have it with you. Relax.”

“I am not in mood for jokes right now, Bin.”

Jiwon slammed another drawer and curse again. Seriously since when does he curse this much? Hanbin has heard twelve times in the span of seven minutes.

“Where is it, !”

Well, thirteen.

“I am not joking,” said Hanbin, still sitting and switching the channel, hugging the pillow even closer, “see, this is exactly why I always insist to put things where they belong instead of just throwing it away to any place you want to. Also, put those things back to the drawer after you take it all out. We cannot afford losing another unimportant things.”

Hanbin does it on purpose. Of course he does.

“I cannot do this right now, Bin, I have a flight to catch.”

Hanbin chuckles cynically, “of course you cannot. You can barely do anything anymore around this house, well, except of course messing it up.”

Jiwon sighs, Hanbin knows he had pissed the man up but that’s how they do it now, don’t they? That’s how they do a relationship now.

“What is wrong with you, Hanbin?! If you don’t want to help, then fine. Just shut up.”

“Oh so that is what you want me to do now? To shut up? How ironic, don’t you think? When a long time ago all you ask at night is for me to be louder.”

Hanbin keeps calm when of course he knows he had pushed Jiwon over the edge. He knows perfectly what to say and how to say it. He remains seated with minimum expression on his face.

“Seriously, what the ?”

The footstep is getting closer but Hanbin doesn’t budge an inch.

“You really want this petty fight at this hour, don’t you?” Jiwon is standing near the couch, his shirt is untucked and his hair is dishevelled. If only Hanbin looks at his face, maybe he will notice the tiredness. But he didn’t.

“Believe me that is not even close to what I want.”

“Then what?! What do you want?”

Hanbin looks at Jiwon who has his hands on his hips, waiting for Hanbin to open his mouth again and bark back with the same amount of anger.

“You don’t want to know what I want.”

“Oh maybe I do?”

Hanbin doesn’t look at Jiwon in the eyes because he’s afraid—what if he sees sparks of disappointment? That will crush Hanbin’s heart.

But what if instead, it’s the look of hatred he would see, the look that conveys they are really coming near their end, where things are just so messed up and it hurts less to leave it than trying hard to piece things back together. Hanbin would never be able to live with that.

Hanbin looks away. The anger and disappointment bubbles inside of him and at this point only two things could happen; he would bark swear words, bringing up everything in his knowledge that he knows would hurt Jiwon and push his every buttons—and with five years of relationship, Hanbin knows too much, too deep. Jiwon would bark back and spit equally cruel words and they will end up fighting with fists or Jiwon would just storm out of the apartment and drink his problems away.

Or he would just beg Jiwon to stop, to just come back and please hold me for a moment, I’m cold and it’s been a long time. And he would cry, oh how he would definitely cry.

But it’s pride. Of course it’s pride that’s keeping him from admitting that he’s lonely, that it’s been a long time and he needed the t