Idiot. A total idiot.

That was how I acted after Jiwon and I kissed, and I don't blame Jiwon if he hates me now. I shouldn't have given him that look, shouldn't have closed my eyes and let him kiss me eventhough I wanted him to do so so much.

Because I knew that kiss would change the way we were, and I was not ready. My self-preservation instinct kicked in on hyperdrive, all my fears, doubts, and uncertainties swallowing me whole the moment I stepped into my unit that night. Jiwon said he wanted to see me again, and I would have liked that, like really, because I enjoy his company very much. He is smart and funny, but he can be foolish and serious. Annoyingly charming. A bundle of contradiction. I am, and will always be, in awe of his talents, and knowing him the way I did was such an honor and a pleasure.

So I hate that I am not ready for something more, and I hate to ask anybody to wait for me because I know how tiresome waiting can be. I have seen it all the time at the company: trainees waiting to debut, artists and their fans waiting for a comeback that may or may not happen, artists waiting for a scandal to blow over and a chance to start over. Waiting for opportunities. Everyone is waiting, trying to be patient, b