“I really liked Jackson!”  Yugyeom was wide awake as Jinyoung told him how things ended with Jackson.  “I can’t believe he would do that to you!  He’s such a…”

“Traitor?”  Jinyoung finished for him.

“Yeah!  What an awful guy!”

Jinyoung sighed.  “It’s not entirely his fault, he was doing his job.  In the end, if he didn’t go public with that story someone else would’ve.”

“Still!  He knew about your dreams and how much your career meant to you…”  Yugyeom was pulled into a hug by his father.  “Did he break it?”

“Break what?”

“Your heart?” 

Jinyoung felt a twinge of pain deep inside.  Instead of answering he pulled Yugyeom closer and gave him a kiss on his forehead.  Yugyeom seemed to understand.

“What happened after the news came out?”

2001

It was a late September evening when Jinyoung’s phone rang out of the blue. 

“Are you watching?”  He hadn’t heard that voice in three years.

“Mark?”

“Yes, it’s me, who did you think it was?  Are you watching the news or not?”

Jinyoung stared at Jackson’s face on the tv, listing the details on how his former boss was now facing even more corruption charges.  Watching this stuff couldn’t have been good from his mental state- but he couldn’t look away.  It was like looking into your deep dark past and watching it somehow spiral down even further.  “Yeah, I’m watching, why did you call?  To laugh at me?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

“I wanted to make sure you were still hanging on.”

Jinyoung hated the fact that he couldn’t stay mad at Mark.  He caught himself smiling and tried to twist his lips into a scowl.  “It took you three years to think to call me?”

“Does it matter?  I’m calling you now, aren’t I?” Mark was so laid-back it annoyed him to no end. 

Did Mark even realize how much he missed him after all these years?

“Jinyoung?”  Mark’s voice saying his name made his heart skip a beat.  He wanted to yell at him, but in the end, he couldn’t do it. 

“Sorry, how are you doing?”

Jinyoung could almost feel the smile through the receiver as Mark spoke to him.  “I got a new roommate, and I work at a bookstore now.”

“Don’t you hate reading?”

Mark laughed in that stupid high-pitched tone Jinyoung missed so much.  “You don’t need to like books to sell books, Jinyoung.”

“Alright, alright…”

“How are you?”

“I’m working at a publishing company editing articles, and I absolutely hate it.”

“Sounds like you’ve finally found adulthood bliss.”  Mark laughed again.  “Are you seeing anyone?”

“No, no, no, I haven’t dated anyone in three years.”  Jinyoung might have had a couple hook-ups here and there but he wasn’t about to tell Mark all about his one-night stands.  “Are you are…?”

“I’m seeing a guy named Brian.” 

“Oh.”  Jinyoung wasn’t expecting that for some reason.  “A long time?”

“No, just over a month.”

“So, I mean, it’s nothing serious, right?”

“It’s been a good month.”  Mark said too matter-of-factly.

“Oh.”

“Hey, are you still at the same place?  Maybe we could meet up for a drink, or something?”

“Yeah, I’ll think about it.”  Jinyoung didn’t know why he felt so betrayed. 

“Okay. Well, you know my number.” 

Jinyoung had completely fallen off the wagon.  He called into work sick for the entire week, getting out of bed was a hassle.  All he wanted to do was sit and eat doughnuts while crying.  His entire life was a mess and he knew it was his own fault.  How could he have been so stupid?

“Stupid, stupid, stupid..”  His phone had been ringing non-stop, but he couldn’t bring himself to answer.  Who else would be calling him other than Mark?  The last thing he wanted to hear was Mark talking about his new boyfriend.  The thought almost made him want to vomit.  He hoped his neighbors wouldn’t call the cops if he started to scream because he felt like he needed to let something pent up anger out.

He was in the middle of his third box of grocery store doughnuts when his doorbell started ringing.

“Jinyoung?  Jinyoung!” 

He could hear Mark’s muffled voice through the wood and he almost crawled back into bed immediately.  He knew Mark wasn’t going to leave him alone until he answered, so he crawled out of bed wrapped in his musty blanket and opened the door.

“Oh my god, are you okay?”  Mark was worried.  Jinyoung must’ve looked just as bad as he felt. 

“Am I okay?  In what respect?”

Mark stepped inside and Jinyoung almost forgot that he hadn’t cleaned in weeks either.  “What happened to your place?  What happened to… you?” Mark scrunched his nose.  “When was the last time you showered?”

“I honestly can’t remember.”

“Jinyoung, sit down, now.”  Jinyoung walked over to his couch and shoved the stack of clothes that were on top onto the floor, so he could sit.  “We need to talk.”

“Why are you here?”

“I told you I wanted to make sure you were still hanging on, and it’s clear to me now things aren’t as alright as you told me over the phone.”

“Why are you here?”  He was happy to see Mark, he was sad to see Mark, he was upset to see Mark.  Why did Mark care so much for his garbage self anyway?  I would be so easy to just throw him and not think about it ever again.  Why did he have to make everything so hard?

“Don’t you even remember what day it is today?”

Jinyoung was drawing a blank.  “What are you talking about?”

“It’s your birthday, I kept calling you to ask if we could go out for the occasion, but you never picked up.  I thought it was worth a try to check your house even though I doubted you would be home but this… this isn’t right.”

“It’s my birthday?”  Jinyoung didn’t even know what day of the week it was let alone the actual date.  “Oh god, it is my birthday, isn’t it?”

“This… This isn’t the Jinyoung I knew.” 

Jinyoung sprung up from his seat.  “Ten minutes, I’ll go shower.  I’ll buy you drinks, just…”  Jinyoung sighed.  “I’m so sorry, please don’t look at me like that.  It’s making me feel even more worthless than I already am.”

It turns out Jinyoung didn’t feel half as bad after a couple of drinks.

Getting relatively close to blackout drunk with Mark brought back memories.  Mark laughing at everything Jinyoung said, Jinyoung sloppily pulling Mark to dance in the bar, and both getting tired and sitting back down to discuss the most pointless things.

“You know?  Why is it that so many people think that we need to do things at a certain age to be successful?  By this age; we need a job, this age; marriage, this age; kids!  What a load of bull.”  Mark said as he took another swig of his beer.  “You gotta agree with me now, right Jinyoungie?”

“What?”  Jinyoung was staring so intensely at Mark he couldn’t pay attention to what he was saying anymore.

“Jinyoung?”

“God… you’re so handsome.” 

Mark laughed at that.  “Why, thank you.”

Jinyoung didn’t stop staring.

“What?”  Mark asked.

“The thing is…”  Something in Jinyoung’s mind was telling him to stop this train of thought immediately, but it was too muffled by alcohol for him to listen.  “I like you, I’ve always liked you.”

Mark always had trouble looking him directly in the eyes but at that moment he stared at him so deeply Jinyoung felt a jolt. 

“Like… not ‘like’ isn’t what this is… I love you.  I’m in love with you.  I’ve always been in love with you.”

“Why… why didn’t you ever tell me?”  Mark’s eyes were shining, and his lip quivered ever so slightly as he spoke.

“You’d never be interested in me.”

“You’re an idiot.”

Jinyoung was still staring, before he knew what he was doing he leaned into Mark, pressing their lips together.

“Stop,” Mark pushed Jinyoung away. “Not like this, you’re a mess.”

“Mark-“

“Why didn’t you tell me this when you had your together?”

“My is together.”

“No, it’s not, you’re a mess and you know it.”

“What?  That’s funny coming from you Mark, you who could be doing anything yet you’re working in a bookstore?  At least I went out there and tried.”  Jinyoung knows he should stop speaking but it’s too late- the word vomit spilling from his mouth refused to stop.  “I’m just saying this as a friend maybe you should get some help, life rehab perhaps?  I don’t know if they even had that, but you need it.”

“I should go to life rehab?”  Mark got up from his stool abruptly.

“Yeah…” Jinyoung slurred.

Mark threw his beer bottle right past Jinyoung’s head.  It slammed into the wall behind him and shattered, glass going everywhere.  Everyone stared at them.

“ you Park Jinyoung,” Mark pushed his stool back in so hard it fell, the loud metal sound of it hitting the floor rang in Jinyoung’s hears.  “Get out of my damn life for real if you think you’re too ing good for me.”

Jinyoung sobered up quickly once he heard how upset Mark was.  “Wait-“

It was too late.

Jinyoung almost wished he had forgotten that night.  He would wake up every single morning for the next month thinking about how much he had screwed up.

Jinyoung always considered himself an organized thoughtful individual but he had finally realized that was never the case.  He was impulsive to the point it ruined him- he would plan for his future, but he couldn’t see the things that were right in front of him.  He never noticed everything he needed was right in front of him and he pushed it all away.

Jinyoung dialed Mark’s number for what seemed like the hundredth time that month- desperate to get a hold of him but even he understood why he never answered his calls.  Jinyoung wouldn’t have answered his own calls in the same situation either.

“Hey, It’s Jinyoung, um, again…”  Jinyoung said as his call went to Mark’s voicemail.  “Just calling to… yeah.  Just making sure you’re hanging in there.  Bye.”  Jinyoung put down the phone.  This whole charade was pathetic but somehow, he couldn’t accept this as it was and move on.

Months passed by and Jinyoung stopped calling.  Mark had probably changed his number by now or something.  He eventually focused back in on his job, trying to immerse himself in proofreading articles and not think about dating or marriage or love.  He didn’t deserve any of that.

It was his goal to stop thinking about Mark but every day he passed by a used bookstore to go home he crossed his mind.  He’d been inside before, and Mark didn’t work there, but that didn’t stop him from remembering.

It was freezing cold that night he stopped in his tracks in front of the bookstore.  One of the books caught his eye, and before he could stop himself he walked inside.

“Excuse me, can I see that book?”  He asked the storekeeper.  “That one, in the window display.”

“Oh, Lord of The Flies, excellent choice sir.”  Jinyoung remembered how many copies of this book Mark had. 

“Can I look at it?”

“Of course, this one actually has a dedication inside.”

That book could have been dedicated to anyone, really, so Jinyoung wasn’t expecting much.  As soon as he opened the book the words caught his eye.

To my dear son Mark

“The thing is - fear can't hurt you any more than a dream.”

Chase what you seek and live your life to the fullest.

From your loving Father

Jinyoung smiled. 

“You must be… long sorry voicemail guy?  Haven’t heard from you in a while.” 

“It’s Jinyoung, and you are…?”

“I’m Mark’s roommate, Sooyoung.  Mark’s not home right now, but he should be back soon, do you want to come in and wait?”

Jinyoung clenched the wrapped book in his hand.  “Sure, where is he?”

“He’s at school, he started grad school at the beginning of the year.”

“Oh.”  Jinyoung vaguely remembered Mark mentioning he wanted to go back to school.

“Sit wherever you want, I left my pasta on the stove!”  Sooyoung said as she ran off to the kitchen.

Jinyoung walked into the roomy apartment, Mark’s collection of books lines up against a shelf right next to the front door.  This apartment was much bigger than his old place, but he could still see bits and pieces of his personality scattered into the décor.

“Hey.”  He heard a man’s voice from up the stairs.  “How you doing?”

Jinyoung turned around and looked up to see a man.  He had no idea who this guy was so he just stared at him.

“Brian.”  Oh.

“Hey… just, uh, waiting for Mark.”  Jinyoung fidgeted around, not knowing how to handle the unexpected situation.  “Are you the same Brian he mentioned a while back?”

“I hope so; unless he’s collecting Brian’s.”  The man joked.  “Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m the only Brian who’s actually living with him.”  He said before giving him a peace sign and walking out of the room.

It was weird to think how one thing could be eating away at you for months on end, but it doesn’t have any impact on the world around you.  You could be drowning or suffering within yourself and everyone else moves on like nothing is wrong.  The world didn’t revolve around Jinyoung, and people would move on.  That’s just the way things work.

Book still in hand, Jinyoung tiptoed back over the front door and let himself out, closing the door not only to Mark’s apartment but to another part of his life.