Rough hands are pushing his shoulders, forcing him closer to the ground. It's dusk and the grass is wet from earlier rain. Baekhyun focuses on the familiar smell of mud and how cold the droplets feel on his hands instead of what's happening around him. There's only one boy now, but he's one that scares Baekhyun most, the one that has a smile that turns his insides cold. 

"ing annoying," his voice is as rough as the push that sends Baekhyun headfirst into the damp ground. "That's all you are. ing annoying and stupid. Just stop coming to school and make it easier for the rest of us." 

Baekhyun thinks bitterly about the girls who smile and ask him how his day is, about the kid in his row who wears glasses and smiles when their eyes meet. But, no matter how kind those people are, their kindness doesn't overcome the harsh kick against Baekhyun's ribs. 

He wonders why he's putting up with this, why this boy cornered him afterschool in the park, why sparks of light flit behind his lids with each hit. But he can't wonder, not when a rather hard kick in the chest sends him into a coughing fit, not when the boy's awful laugh mingles with his strangled breaths. 

"You think you're so much better than everyone else, wearing your little outfits and skating and going to Seoul on the weekends," another kick, "You look down on everyone here. But you're not , and you never will be. Understand?" 

Baekhyun can't speak, not right now, so he nods along despite the voice in his head screaming not to. It's easier to comply than to fight back; he's learned that, if anything. It's not good enough for the bully, apparently. Baekhyun's pulled up by his shirt until he's looking up at the boy, arms limp at his side and heart drumming. 

"Say it. Say that you'll never be . Say it like the you are." 

He wants to spit in this boy's face, wants to get back at him, wants to feel satisfaction rolling through his stomach instead of fear, but his mouth is numb and his legs are too tired to hold him up on his own. He opens his mouth to say it, but nothing comes out but a pained whimper. The boy smiles again and his lips curl in the way that makes Baekhyun's mind go blank, that sends a panicked flare rocketing into Baekhyun's mind. 

Then he's hitting the ground again, this time completely limp, this time with a thud that Baekhyun can't understand. He feels like he's out of his body, like he's not even experiencing it. The pain is so sharp that it feels blurred, so real that Baekhyun is convinced it's fake, so fresh that Baekhyun knows it's old. 

It's all gone, and the air that fills Baekhyun's lungs doesn't cause pain this time. It's chilly and dark in his room, so dark that he can only feel Chanyeol, not truly see him. The taller is asleep comfortably next to him, warm body radiating a sort of heat and comfort that Baekhyun didn't realize he'd been lacking. His deeps breaths seem to tease Baekhyun as he gasps for air, shaking. 

No matter how many gulps of air he in, nothing seems to stick with him, leaving him sweaty and panting and scared. He feels weak, knows that he can't still act like this all affects him so much, not when it's been years. 

The thought of the rough hands makes his face crumple, though, and before he can help it, he's crying. He hasn't been this bad since freshman year, hasn't needed this level of calming in years, and his awareness of it makes everything worse. He'd thought he'd made progress, yet here he was, sobbing because he had a dream that someone pushed him. 

His chest feels tight and his throat aches from holding in sobs, so he sits up in order to breathe better, lets his shoulders shake freely when he knows that they won't touch Chanyeol's. Tears burn hot down his cheeks in shame and fear, but he stares out the window and tries to think about the moon, about the breeze, about the calm things in his life. 

This only brings another round of tears because, god, the moon makes him sad sometimes, and this is an awful night with a hideous breeze and disgusting stars and rough hands that grab him. 

He can feel them now, can feel long fingers wrapping around his wrist. His heart leaps to match the hammering rain outside, panic spreading through him quickly.

But these hands aren't rough, they're soft and warm. Baekhyun's head snaps down to watch as Chanyeol's large hands fumble through bedsheets in order to hold him, searching for something. The shorter's mouth falls open when he realizes what Chanyeol is doing, two fingers pressed gently against his wrist, a soft breath of relief slipping between the two when the taller finds a heartbeat. 

Chanyeol just checked his pulse in his sleep.

It's kind of funny, Baekhyun thinks. He'd never really asked Chanyeol what his major was, but he knows that it's something medical and science-y, knows that Chanyeol has the temperment to help people, to spread light and smiles and happiness. 

Satisfied with the check, sleepy Chanyeol pulls Baekhyun's wrists toward him, bringing the shorter to his chest softly and wrapping his arms around him. He doesn't know how or why, but his body doesn't protest against the taller boy, relaxing into the heat and letting his breathing set a rythm for them both.

"Sleep, Baek'un," Chanyeol mumbles softly, voice filled with sleep and confusion. 

Chanyeol's chest is burning warm against Baekhyun's cold, tear-stained cheek, and he closes his eyes. It's hard to banish all thoughts of his dream, but it's easier when Chanyeol's heartbeat is drumming a lullaby in his ear, soft fingertips erasing the rough hands that make Baekhyun shake. 

--

Jongdae wakes them up with a scream, one that's ear-splitting and easily heard by every resident in their entire dorm. 

At first, Baekhyun thinks that it's thunder or an animal outside or both, but when he shoots up in bed and meets his roommate's eyes, the illusion is shattered and his blood boils. What an idiot. 

Chanyeol is gasping for air and clutching his chest, strangled sobs falling out with every breath. He's easily scared, Baekhyun notes, and it's kind of cute, but the taller's cuteness does nothing to make Jongdae's yelling and his own residual embarrassment go away. 

"What? Who's hurt?" Chanyeol's voice is panicked but his eyes are bleary and tired, a little puffy. It's definitely cute, Baekhyun thinks. 

"No one's hurt, Chanyeol," Jongdae's voice goes giggly at the end, high-pitched and giddy. "You both seemed pretty comfortable, actually." 

It's then that the situation seems to click for the tallest boy, eyes widening as he realizes that he still holds Baekhyun half in his arms, that their bodies are crammed on one side of the bed, that they had snuggled last night. Baekhyun can only look away, ignoring the nervousness boiling in his stomach, avoiding looking at how adorable Chanyeol is in the morning. 

Chanyeol takes a hard gulp at the sight of just-woken Baekhyun and the position they were in, slowly detangling his limbs from around the smaller boy. Jongdae watches them both turn a bright shade of red and smiles in the way only he can -- the one that makes his lips curl up completely, the one that makes Baekhyun's vision blur from embarrassment. 

"I didn't mean to wake you lovebirds up," he shrugs. "I just didn't expect to see you in Baekhyun's bed, especially not all over him, especially not --" 

"He gets the point, Dae," Baekhyun's voice is exasperated and breaks on the last word, much to the short boy's dismay. "Why don't you just leave?"

He climbs out over Chanyeol and tries his very best to not acknowledge the way he can feel the football player's eyes following his movements and tracing the outline of his . But he can, and it sends a satisfied thrill through his veins, no matter how much he tries to ignore it or hide the blush crawling up his cheeks. 

"Me? I should leave my dorm? What, you two didn't have enough fun last night, is that it? Baek, I was out with my girlfriend all night, which means I am in dire need of sleep. You can't deprive me of a good nap at seven in the morning; I know my rights." 

Chanyeol half coughs and half laughs at this, even though Baekhyun turns to glare at him in betrayal. Jongdae smiles smugly and flops into his bed, parallel to the one that Chanyeol is still half asleep in. 

"We didn't have any fun last night, you little ," Baekhyun whispers frantically, advancing toward his best friend in a menacing manner, ready to attack. He loves Jongdae, but there are some things that he shouldn't make fun of. Baekhyun's stupid, weird feelings toward Chanyeol are on the list.

Before he can maul his roommate, however, there's a familiar, soft hand snaking around his elbow, drawing his attention away. 

"Baekhyun, I'll leave first," Chanyeol's ears are beet red and his cheeks are following suit. 

"I'll walk you down," Baekhyun offers, throwing Jongdae one last hateful look. 

Only when they're out in the hall and headed down the stairs does Baekhyun remember the embarrassing cry session that Chanyeol had stopped. He looks over to Chanyeol cautiously, too afraid to mention it, too afraid to thank the taller for comforting him. Chanyeol looks back at him when he feels on him, but there's nothing in eyes that suggests that he's going to bring it up, at least not right now, so Baekhyun relaxes. 

"Sorry for causing trouble," Chanyeol says instead, voice deep from sleep but soft with shyness. "I didn't mean to sleep the entire night or cuddle you or anything. I'm just like that when I sleep." 

He's just like that? Baekhyun wants to laugh, wants to question how many times Chanyeol's checked someone's pulse and lulled them back to sleep, but he abstains when he sees the sincerity in Chanyeol's eyes. Of course he's sincere. Of course he doesn't remember anything -- being kind unknowingly, caring without realizing it -- it's what Chanyeol's best at. 

"No, I'm sorry. I made you lay down with me." 

Saying it like that seems so odd, and Baekhyun blushes despite himself. Chanyeol watches in fascination as the boy beside him turns soft in a minute, as his cheeks heat up and the usually cold eyes melt. He likes those words, likes the sound of laying down with someone, of peaceful sleep and soft hair. And, god, Baekhyun had soft hair -- and soft hands and pretty eyelashes and an amazing smile. 

He's getting carried away, he knows it, but Chanyeol can't stop himself from zoning out on the mole above Baekhyun's lip, in the way his small feet gracefully tread down the steps of the building as if each step is calculated and graceful. 

"It's okay, I like naps. You seemed tired and stressed; I'm glad I could help," Chanyeol smiles goofily then, a smile that sends an electric jolt down Baekhyun's spine. "Call me if you ever need a nap again, I'm willing." 

It's joking, but there's something serious there, too, and Baekhyun questions whether Chanyeol remembers the night's events or not. It's too confusing to focus on, though, when Chanyeol's little dimples and messy hair are moving closer and closer to him. Maybe he's going for a hug, or maybe a full on kiss, but Baekhyun can't focus, can't stop screaming internally, can't choose whether to lurch forward and meet him halfway or to turn away altogether. 

Chanyeol stops before he has to make the call, though. The taller catches himself leaning in, too scared to iniate, to invade Baekhyun's space. 

"See you at practice!" Chanyeol says instead, awkwardly laughing to cover up their sudden proximity and the starry look in his eyes. 

Baekhyun doesn't want to send him away like this; it doesn't feel right. He thinks about the hands that found his last night, the sleepy voice that had called out to him, the warmth that had stopped the dream from coming back, the thrum of Chanyeol's heartbeat against his ear. 

Knowing what he feels for Chanyeol is confusing, especially when he thinks about all the qualities he's supposed to hate -- but then he thinks harder and knows that Chanyeol doesn't have any of them. He plays football, he's proud, he's dumb, but he's nothing like the people who shoved him in the dirt in high school. Chanyeol is loving and kind -- Chanyeol made himself Baekhyun's friend, has been leaning toward something else for weeks. 

"See you at practice," Baekhyun replies quietly, mustering up courage to do something to show Chanyeol a glimpse of his heart, even if he's not so sure what it's thinking, etiher.

Standing on his tiptoes, he plants a tiny kiss on Chanyeol's nose and spins around to go back to his room. He can hear Chanyeol fumbling over words even as he leaves, too caught up in the sudden rush of emotions to decipher what the taller is mumbling about. Not that he cares, he tells himself fondly. 

--

He's way too early; he knows it. But when being early involves watching Baekhyun skate his routine and interact with other skaters, it's something to strive for, Chanyeol thinks.

Especially when he spies Kyungsoo on the far side of the rink, wrapped in a blanket and reading a book solemenly. He looks like he's waiting for someone, and the taller's suspicions are confirmed when Jongin skates by the edge of the rink, says somehing, and flashes the short boy a smile -- and earns a wide smile back. 

It takes a lot to not barge in and tease Kyungsoo, specifically when he watches the shorter start to pack up his book and blanket in anticipation. Jongin's off the ice in a few seconds, yelling things at Baekhyun and the other skaters, eyes never leaving Kyungsoo. It's obvious to Chanyeol that there's something in the air, though he knows that Kyungsoo would never admit it to his face. 

Jongin makes a grab for Kyungsoo's bag, but the shorter pushes him away -- he can do it himself, obviously, and Jongin is tired after pratice. The taller lets him win, left hand reaching up to rest on the small of Kyungsoo's back comfortably, and they leave. Chanyeol files it away in his memory but decides against telling Sehun, if only for Kyungsoo's privacy and pride. 

Then his focus turns on the boy still on the ice, giggling and laughing with the others and showing off to some of the freshman girls. It's cute, Chanyeol thinks, because Baekhyun is so charming when he's on ice, is so friendly when there are people looking at him. He likes this side of Baekhyun, even if watching those girls fawn over him makes his stomach flip a little in envy. 

"Who are you?" the voice is so close to him that he jumps, heart leaping at the shock. 

When Chanyeol turns, he's met with the sight of a girl -- a sophomore or junior, maybe? -- wearing workout gear. It's obvious that she's here to practice, and so Chanyeol assumes that she's part of the figure skating department. 

"I'm Park Chanyeol," he responds cautiously. "Baekhyun tutors me in skating. And you?" 

"I'm Park Sunyoung, and I'm a sophomore in the figure skating program. How did you get to know my senior?"

Her voice is proud and girlish; it's cute. It matches her pony tail and matching athletic wear, matches the impeccable pink lipstick she has on. 

"I needed a tutor and his friend recommended him -- thank goodness, because he's great at skating," Chanyeol smiles at her, noticing the way her cheeks twinge pink. He doesn't want her the way she probably thinks he does, but she's still nice, so his smile doesn't falter. It's not his job to make Baekhyun's juniors hate him, especially when he shouldn't even be at the rink yet. 

"Which friend? I don't know many of them," Sunyoung's lips curl into a dainty smile. 

"Kim Jongdae. He's a great guy -- he asked me to help take care of Baekhyun, asked Baekhyun to teach me the ropes. It's up to him that we met, really, and now we're friends," Chanyeol wants to say more, but he doesn't know how much he's allowed to say, how far their relationship extends. 

A few kisses and cuddling means nothing, not when there's been no communication, not even when Chanyeol wishes that they meant everything. 

"Take care of him?" she sounds confused, and Chanyeol regrets bringing it up. It's hard to explain, and he doesn't know how much Baekhyun wants people to know. 

Instead of explaining, he shrugs. "You know, just friend stuff." 

She nods knowingly, even though Chanyeol is positive that his answer was vague enough for her to have no idea. Sunyoung doesn't stop her nodding, letting a hand reach out to linger on Chanyeol's bicep. It's awkward and intrusive, but he can't really push her off when he doesn't know her. He can't linger on that thought for long, though, because before he knows it, he can hear his name being shouted -- Baekhyun's seen him. 

"Chanyeol!" his voice sounds tiny yet booming, so close yet so far, and Chanyeol's pulse quickens at the sound. "Why are you here?" 

Chanyeol nods his head softly to her in a polite farewell and scurries down the bleachers to meet the shorter boy at the rink's edge. He has to think of a lie quickly -- he told Baekhyun he'd be here in half an hour, yet here he is, watching the shorter like some sort of love-obsessed loser.

There's no judgement in Baekhyun's eyes, he recognizes, but there's something else, something that is boiling and odd and foreign. 

"I got up early today," he lies. It sounds lame even to him, but it's too late to think of a better excuse now. Baekhyun's eyes soften when he says it, and everything feels on kilter again, but then they harden again almost inexplicably.  

"Why don't you go get your skates on while I finish up?" Baekhyun's voice is soft and sweet, the way it gets when Chanyeol does something right during practice, the way it sounded when Baekhyun was tired that afternoon. 

Chanyeol nods and jogs off to find his skates, greeting familiar skaters on his way, and Baekhyun turns as the short girl makes her way down the bleachers. She seems nice enough -- Baekhyun's only met her a few times, how can he judge? -- but the image of her scooting closer to Chanyeol, of her tight grip on his arm leaves a bitter taste in Baekhyun's mouth. 

"Senior," she bows with a smile. "Hope you had a good practice? I was just talking to one of your friends, Chanyeol." 

Baekhyun knows there's nothing else that Chanyeol would call himself, but he can't shake the feeling that friend isn't the right word, not for the tall boy who giggles with him in psychology and holds his waist on the ice, the one who makes him glittery signs and shares milkshakes with him. 

"He was telling me about how you tutor him in skating, that's so cool!" she smiles and her lips disappear slightly, eyes turning to crescents. "He said you guys met through Kim Jongdae, right? I think my friend knows him." 

"Yeah, Jongdae told Chanyeol's friend that I'd be a great tutor," Baekhyun feels a little flattered by her attitude, and he's almost decided to like her afterall. "Not sure if that's true, though." 

"He said you were practically prodigal," Sunyoung laughs and her ponytail sways. "It's nice that you guys have a mutual relationship of giving -- it's pure, I think." 

Pure? Baekhyun's mind spins at her words. Who said that they had a mutual relationship? It's always purely a tutor-student relationship, no matter which point of view you looked at it from. 

"What do you mean?" Baekhyun's eyebrows furrow in confusion, trying to decipher what she meant and once again coming up blank. 

"You teach him," her eyes are wide. "And he protects you, right? That's what he said the deal was. Jongdae found him for that reason." 

Baekhyun feels his stomach drop at the words, at the realization.

Chanyeol hadn't wanted to be his friend -- Jongdae had made him promise to keep Baekhyun safe.

All the times Chanyeol had followed him around and acted like he cared, the nights of laughter in the rink and the fight at the party -- it was a deal. 

The entire time he'd been convincing himself that Chanyeol wasn't like other dumb guys he'd met, that Chanyeol was a caring boy with soft eyes and softer hands. He'd let himself flutter and fly and dream about Chanyeol, kissed him, let the taller block out his fears with wide shoulders and whispered words. He'd let Chanyeol be someone he shouldn't have been -- he'd let Chanyeol use him, let Chanyeol hear his secrets, let Chanyeol be a confidant and friend. 

Baekhyun feels everything cave in at once, heart drenched in regret and face steaming up with tears. He can't believe he's so stupid, can't believe he'd believed anything that those soft eyes had shown him, had ever thought he could see his own heart reflected in them. 

---

UHHHHH  this is sad :) sorry guys lol 

it's been awhile but i finished high school so....that's cool klsdfkjsdlkf 

BYE BYE (once again here's my curiouscat in case yall wanna yell at me!! https://curiouscat.me/baekyall)