SinB hadn’t meant to eavesdrop on Yuju’s conversation. It wasn’t really eavesdropping she rationalised to herself more like overhearing in a silent corridor. She was starting to wish she hadn’t started walking back towards Yuju after hearing raised voices from the direction she’d just come from.

She heard Eunha yell “Because she’s the school’s nobody! Because you shouldn’t waste your time on someone like her! Because talking to her out of pity isn’t going to help her at all- if anything it’ll make things worse for her because she’ll think she means something to you!” The words stung and she hoped the other girl would defend her, at least a little but what she heard instead shattered her heart into pieces.

“What are you talking about? I’ve only known SinB for as you said ‘five minutes’ why does this mean she’s suddenly become so important?” The thing that stood out most to SinB from Yuna’s response was the fact that she hadn’t even tried to deny talking to her out of pity. She knew they weren’t exactly friends- before yesterday, Yuju had no idea who she even was! But it crushed her ego to not even hear the other girl try to put up a fight for her in her absence. And what hurt the most was the fact that Eunha was right: she had thought that she meant something to Yuju, despite only knowing her for ‘five minutes’. She couldn’t bear to hear any more of the conversation. She stormed down the rest of the corridor, headed to the one place she knew she could go without having to interact with anyone- the roof.

She pried open the rusted door at the top of the stairs and leant on the metal railing built to stop anyone from falling over the edge. She rested her head on her arms as she took several deep breaths. She screamed. She screamed to relieve all of the frustration that had built up inside her. She grabbed a stone off the ground and she threw it as hard as she could in the direction of the empty sports field below her. The wind that blew hard around her was strong and cold. The frigid wintry sky was grey and the clouds looked as miserable as she felt. She pulled her jacket around her tighter and took out the mittens she kept in her bag to put them on. She also pulled her phone from her bag and plugged in her headphones. Hopefully some heavy drum beats and fiery guitar riffs will burn off some of this anger she thought to herself. She hit the play button and tuned out the rest of the world to become fully immersed in her music. She breathed deeply and closed her eyes to fully appreciate the song.

‘Where’s your gavel? Your jury? What’s my offence this time? You’re not a judge but if you’re gonna judge me well sentence me to another life’ Never before had song lyrics felt so relevant. Never before had she related to the words of a song quite so much. She laughed ironically as the song continued. She had never felt quite as judged as she had hearing those words coming from Eunha’s mouth, and she had never felt quite as convicted as she had when she didn’t hear Yuju defend her. It’s not like she didn’t know most of her peers thought she was weird, or an outcast. It was different to actually hear someone say it. It was like getting an essay back that she’d spent hours on, knowing that it wasn’t particularly great, but then seeing a low grade in front of her, solidifying what she already knew but hadn’t wanted to accept.

By the time the song came to a close she felt a lot better about things. She heaved a sigh and sauntered over to the other side of the building to watch the skyline. By now, she’d removed one of her earphones and let it hang like a pendulum, while the other continued to blare heavy basslines into her ear. She stared idly out over the world, listening to the music and to the silence that filled the rest of the air. Suddenly, her music cut and was replaced by her ring tone. She glanced down to see Yerin’s ID on the screen. ‘Not now unnie, I don’t feel like talking’ so she let it continue to ring until it would’ve gone to voicemail. She heaved a sigh as she re-adjusted her position to get more comfortable. The headphone still in her ear was now playing a slow song and made her want to dance. She’d envisioned this song in a movie scene so many times: the lead actress walks out of her date into the rain crying, he runs out after her, and when he finally gets her to hear him out he sings the song to her and it all works out fine. Again, she found herself laughing ironically- those kinds of happy endings don’t exist outside of Hollywood. You don’t get the girl, you don’t get an explanation, and you don’t get a happy ending. Sometimes it hurt her to be so cynical, but at least it kept her feet on the ground.

She breaths out a long breath and turns off her music, ready to head back to her friends. Just then she hears the all too familiar squeak of the rusty door opening. She freezes in place when she sees who steps out onto the roof. Her heart falls and she feels the self-loathing sink in as Yuju walks over to the edge she’d previously been stood at and stare out over the campus. She heaved a sigh and hung her head low. SinB knew the body language well enough to understand that the other girl was upset, but it didn’t make her feel bad enough to want to go over and comfort the other girl. But then the memory from the other day came back to her, where Yuna had held her while she cried, hadn’t pressured her to stop crying, just held her. That was enough to get SinB to go stand beside her and say just loud enough for the other girl to hear “I thought it was just me who came up here when there was a lot on my mind” Yuju looked over at her, the shock clearly registering on her face. SinB had made herself comfortable resting her arms over the barrier leaning all her weight against it. She forced herself to give the other girl a small smile, who gave her an equally feeble one in response.

“SinB… I’m sorry about Eunha. I honestly didn’t know that I’d made plans with her, but… afte“ SinB waved dismissively in response.

“Let’s not talk about it. It’s okay.” Just hearing Eunha’s name sent hurt shuddering through her being, so it was more for her sake than Yuju’s that she dismissed it.

“But, what I’m trying to say is that I’m not hanging out with Eunha tomorrow, so is it still okay… you know… for me to come and see?” a small tinge of pink crept across her cheeks as she asked the question, much to SinB’s confusion.

“I don’t want to sound rude when I say this, so please don’t take it the wrong way. I know Eunha already doesn’t like me, I don’t want to give her an actual reason to dislike me, so don’t cancel your plans with her just to be with me.” Yuju raised an eyebrow at her.

“I won’t lie, she isn’t one of your fans, but SinB…”

“Please? I… don’t want her to be mad at you because of me. You haven’t got to do this for me, you’ve already helped me enough, I don’t want you to damage your friendship with Eunha for my sake” Yuju heaved a sigh. There was a tinge of frustration in her expression and there was a slight edge to her voice when she spoke, but she tried to sound as nice as possible.

“Will you hear me out for just one second rather than cut me off?!”

“You don’t have to try and justify it. I want you to go and have fun with your friends, don’t blow them off for my sake.” She doesn’t know for how much longer she can keep pretending that she isn’t mad, or hurt, or just tired of the conversation.

“Has anyone ever told you that your stubbornness is infuriating? Because it is”

“You aren’t the first person to have ever said that.” An awkward silence engulfed them as they stood there. Not being able to stand the silence any longer, SinB bumped her shoulder against Yuju’s. “So… ummm… what’s on your mind? Do you wanna talk about it?” Yuju turned to look at her and rolled her eyes.

“I’ve been trying to tell you that for the last few minutes. But it doesn’t matter.” SinB laughed awkwardly.

“Do you wanna try again? Promise I won’t speak again until you’ve finished.” She tried to smile enthusiastically at Yuju who just shoved her lightly.

“It’s just doom and gloom. Let’s just say me and Eunha aren’t seeing eye to eye at the moment, and I don’t think we will for a little while either, that’s why I’m not hanging out with her tomorrow.”

“You don’t want to elaborate?” SinB raised an eyebrow. About what? It didn’t sound like they were getting on too well when I overheard them, but I wouldn’t have considered it anything worth falling out over.

“Not really. So what do you say, do you want the pleasure of my company tomorrow? We could maybe hang out for a bit afterwards too if you’d like?” she smirked

“As long as you’re okay with not being the coolest person in the room.” SinB said with a cheeky wink.

“Why? Who else have you invited to our gathering?” Yuju said pretending to be offended

“No one. It’d just be us. I wouldn’t invite someone else, I couldn’t have you feeling bad for being the most uncool person in the room” she said playfully nudging Yuju again and laughing. Yuju let out a dry laugh that filled SinB’s ears like a melody. You’re supposed to be a least a little bit mad at her, and here you are gushing over her laugh- SinB scoffed at her thoughts. Yuju sidled right up next to her and looked tenderly into her eyes.

“Anyway… enough about me. You said you come up here to clear your mind. Do you wanna talk about it?” SinB in a sharp breath, held it for a moment as she turned to look at the ground. After a second or two, she exhaled slowly and shook her head.

“It’s just some stuff I’m trying to puzzle through, it’s no biggie” Yuju smiled and grabbed her mitten-clad hands which were clenched into tight fists, she then proceeded to bump her shoulder into SinB’s.

“Then lighten up a little. You know you can tell me if something’s bothering you, right? I know we’ve not known each other long, but I want to get to know you, I want to be your friend” SinB rolled her eyes a little as she spun away from Yuju. She ran her hands through her hair and let out a long breath.

“Drop the act Yuju. You don’t need to pretend up here. There’s no one up here to say you’re anything but the straight A, practically perfect president and track captain. I’m not gonna tell anyone that you let down the façade for just a minute, that for just a second you didn’t pretend you actually care about every other student.” She laughed bitterly, trying to find more angry words to yell at the other girl. She spun back round to say something else. But when she caught sight of the tears in Yuju’s eyes, the words hung on the end of her tongue.

“I don’t understand. I’ve never been anything but nice to you, where’s all of this coming from? I do just want to be your friend, why has everything got to be all about who I am at school?” there was a tinge of frustration to her voice, but it was mostly laced with hurt. SinB took a step forwards, she was still fuming inside, but seeing the other girl on the edge of tears brought her back to reality and made her realise who she was talking to. “Yuju, I…”

“Why is it so hard for you to believe that maybe I do care about you?”

“Because no one ever just cares about someone they don’t know, unless something happens that’ll force them together or they’re doing it for personal gain.”

“Not everyone is like that, sometimes you just have to trust that someone’s heart is in the right place. What’s brought all of this on? Has something happened?” SinB couldn’t bring herself to look at the other girl.

“I’m the school’s nobody, why would you waste your time on someone like me? What makes me so important all of a sudden? You’ve only known me for five minutes.” Yuju’s mouth opened to formulate a reply, but her forehead creased a little at the familiarity of SinB’s words. “Any of that sound familiar to you?” Yuju took a step forwards, towards a now seething SinB. “Talking to me out of pity isn’t helping me, and it certainly isn’t doing you any favours” Yuju reached out to the other girl.

“SinB… I… I don’t know how much you heard, but if you would just let me explain…”

“Save your breath. I don’t want to hear it. I’d rather be alone” she pushed Yuju’s hands away as she stalked back towards the door. She grabbed the handle, wrenching it open, when Yuju put a gentle hand on her shoulder

“You stay up here, you were here first. I’ll leave. You don’t seem to be in the right frame of mind to face everyone yet.” SinB spun round aggressively, fire shining in her eyes.

“There you go again! Pretending you care! I’ll do whatever I want to do. Stay up here if you want, but whatever you do, I don’t ever want to speak to you again” She proceeded to storm down the stairs, not caring how much noise she made, leaving a miserable Yuju at the top staring after her like a lost puppy.

“But, I gave up everything for you…”

Author's note: AAAAANNNDD that's it from me. It feels really scatty and a bit all over the place, but there was a lot I wanted to fit in. What's gonna happen next I wonder.... we'll have to wait and see 

I might make myself sound like a complete psycho or something, but the inner conflict I tried to express through SinB 's behaviour and thought processing is something I seem to find myself dealing with quite frequently.

Enough about me, that's not what you come here for. The song I quoted was Ignorance by Paramore, it's a really great song I listen to when I'm feeling angry or upset- check it out if you want, they're a really great band.

That's all the commentary I've got to say for this update. Thanks for all of you who are reading and subscribing, it really warms my heart to think that people actually enjoy my work. Take care everybody. LOVE YOU! <3