Yuju and SinB were joined at the hip, living in each other’s pockets, you’d never see one without the other being close behind. However you want to put it, they were always together. They arrived at school together, they spent their break times together (Yuju integrated in with SinB’s friends virtually seamlessly), they left school together, they spent all their free time together. It was sweet, they were happy.

Their relationship was clumsy and shy. It advanced no further than holding hands and chaste kisses on the cheek. Yewon was impatient for them to take the next step and actually kiss, saying “I’ve kissed you on the cheek so many times in the past, SinB, if you really feel that way about each other shouldn’t you… y’know, prove it?” this would leave SinB blushing and later apologising to Yuju for ‘not being ready to prove it’. Yuju would take her hands in hers, give her a gentle peck to the cheek and tell her it was fine, that she didn’t want to take things faster than they needed to. But this didn’t help with SinB’s insecurities: what if she wasn’t ready to advance this relationship? what if Yuju got bored of waiting for her to be ready and broke up with her? what if… so many what ifs circling round in her head.

And when you have that many doubts, it doesn’t do a lot for your self-esteem. Self-doubt and insecurity is a breeding ground for negativity – at least that’s how it felt. It had been almost two weeks since Tiffany had listened to SinB’s project, and she’d heard nothing. Not an email, or a phone call. SinB may have been making it worse in her head when she thought to herself that maybe Tiffany had simply changed her mind, and that she didn’t want to take SinB or her project off the ground – what if she wasn’t good enough for the industry? what if the woman was just being polite and got too far ahead of herself? what if this didn’t go to plan? what would she do next? – more what ifs.

These thoughts ground her down. She began falling into a negative spiral where she just didn’t feel good enough for the music industry, for her girlfriend, for anything. She withdrew herself from her friends. They knew better than to continually pester her about her well-being because it would just make things worse, but they remembered to remind her that they were always there if she wanted to talk. At this, she would smile a little, thank them, and tell them she’ll be okay.

Another week passed, and SinB had still heard nothing. She had contemplated sending Tiffany an email asking was there anything in particular holding up the process, but she decided she didn’t want to seem a nuisance. Often, she would tell herself the older woman was a busy lady and that she was probably getting around to sorting something out, but she just needed more time.

It was Saturday night. SinB had spent the afternoon with her friends and her girlfriend shopping. They then went to the local open-air cinema to see a re-run of Yerin’s favourite rom-com. It was alright, from what SinB could remember, but she very quickly got lost in the feeling of Yuju tracing random patterns across the back of her hand with her thumb. She pretty much fell into a daze when the older girl had wrapped an arm around her and then used her other hand to entwine their fingers. She felt warm, and for the first time in weeks she could focus on something else apart from the nagging what ifs in her mind. It felt nice to feel happy again, to feel wanted, to feel loved. Yuju had insisted on walking her home afterwards, despite SinB’s protests about it being cold and dark. As they stood on her front doorstep, SinB decided to be brave. To see if this would make her happy. When Yuju pulled apart from her good-bye hug, SinB pulled her back in and landed a gentle kiss on the older girl’s lips. Yuju had jumped back in surprise as their lips met, but very quickly let herself be pulled back in for a kiss. It wasn’t what SinB had always imagined. It wasn’t gross, or messy, it felt nice. She let Yuju take the lead, and their kiss very quickly became more intense. They separated because of a need for air.

“That was… wow” a slight blush dusted Yuju’s cheeks, it was beautiful. “I wasn’t expecting you to do that” she giggled shyly towards the ground.

“I thought it was about time I showed you how much you mean to me” SinB said, placing a hand against the older girl’s cheek and tracing her thumb along her jawline.

“You already do, every single day.” With that, Yuju looped her fingers into the belt loops of SinB’s jeans and pulled her in for another kiss, before wrapping her arms around the smaller girl and whispering in her ear “I should probably go now. You’re parents are probably wondering what’s keeping you, seeing as you told them you’d be 20 minutes” SinB pouted and wrapped her arms tighter around Yuju’s neck.

“But I don’t want you to go yet”

“I have to go.” She planted another kiss on the smaller girl’s cheek and wriggled free from her grip. “I’ll text you later, okay?” she called as she walked back up the street waving.

“You’d better” once the older girl was out of sight, SinB let out an airy laugh and walked into her home and calling out a quick “I’m back!”

After sitting through an awkward dinner with her parents, SinB ended up sat in her room alone. She wasn’t unhappy as she had been for the past few weeks, rather she was elated. She could feel butterflies dancing inside her and she wanted nothing more than to talk to her friends about what had happened with Yuju. She couldn’t. Not because she wanted to keep it from them, but she couldn’t help but feel a frosty aura coming from Yerin whenever her girlfriend was around, and SinB just didn’t get why.

It was getting late when she heard a knock at the front door. She had just put down her phone to go and answer it when she heard her mother talking excitedly to whoever it was. Maybe her mother had invited her friends over to discuss their kids or whatever it was middle aged women did on Saturday nights over a bottle of wine. She decided it was nothing important and walked back to bed to grab her phone and resume her call with Yuju. But she was surprised when she heard quiet footsteps along the hall (not either of her parents) followed by a gentle knock on her door (definitely not her parents) “Ummm, I’m gonna have to call you back later I’ve got some stuff to do” she said to her girlfriend as she hung up “It’s open!” she called out to whoever was on the other side of the door. With that, the door handle turned and it was Yerin who stood in the doorway

“Your mum said it was okay for me to come up”

“Yennie! Hi. What’s up?” she definitely wasn’t expecting the older girl to be standing here in her room. She patted the empty space on the bed beside her. The older girl approached and sat down, as they had done for years. She glimpsed round SinB’s room. It was the same as it always had been. Off-white walls covered in posters of various bands SinB listened to, her desk littered with unfinished school work, her laundry scattered across the floor in small heaps, and the Polaroid pictures hanging up on string in the corner. SinB had always been sentimental. She’d always put up a tough front, but deep down Yerin knew the younger girl was a great big softie. The pictures ranged from the pet fish she’d had when she was seven years old, to photos of their group of three throughout the years, from the flowers that she’d grown in the garden, to the carefully crafted domino line she’d made last summer which looked like fireworks when she knocked them all down. It was SinB. And she reminded Yerin of home. She heaved a big sigh as she reached out and placed a hand on SinB’s not far from her on the bed.

“I’ve been worried about you, a lot. I know you don’t like to talk about what bothers you, because you don’t like people to worry about you, but Umji and I… we know you, better than you know yourself sometimes” she bit her lip and wriggled further back on the bed to rest her back against the wall, hand still atop SinB’s. SinB scooted backwards too, and wrapped the older girl in a side-hug.

“You know I’m grateful to have you right? Both of you.” Yerin saw straight through the fake smile.

“I know. And I also know when something’s bothering you.” Yerin turned to face SinB, a serious glint in her eyes. SinB looked down at the bed and began playing with the sheets with her free hand.

“It’s a whole lot of nothing really, you don’t have to worry about me, I’ll be okay” she tightened her grip on Yerin’s hand and offered her a more genuine, but very weak smile.  Yerin shook her head, unconvinced.

“I know you don’t like others prying into your business, but it might help to talk about this ‘whole lot of nothing’” she held up her fingers to make quote marks in the air. “You haven’t been yourself for weeks, and I feel like this has gone on for long enough” SinB shook her head slightly, she didn’t want to lay out her insecurities. She didn’t want to say it out loud and realise that she was in fact worried about a whole lot of nothing. Her eyes retreated back to the bedsheets “We’ve been friends for… what? nearly 12 years now? And you still don’t trust me with your secrets? Maybe I can help” SinB’s head whipped up so fast, Yerin almost expected her to fall over.

“No no no no no, it’s not that. I do trust you. God! I trust you with my life. I just… I don’t want to actually say it out loud. It’s pathetic and you know how much I don’t want to be the same little girl you met back in the first year of primary school” she heaved a deep sigh and resumed “I promise, if it becomes something worth worrying about, I’ll tell you” she squeezed Yerin’s hand and held up her pinkie finger “Just like old times?” Yerin let out a gentle laugh and pushed SinB’s hand away, instead pulling her in for a hug.

“You’re such a fool sometimes. A beautiful, funny, smart fool. You’re always going to be little SinB to me. The shy girl who was too afraid to tell me that her marbles had rolled under my chair, the playful little terror who has energy to no end and runs around like a lunatic, the dorky little goofball who loves to crack jokes at the most inappropriate times, the same girl who I fell for all those years ago. You’ve grown so much since then, but sometimes I’m still reminded of the girl I met so long ago” Yerin plays with SinB’s hair as she says this into her shoulder. SinB can feel her cheeks going red. She wraps her arms around the older girl’s waist to re-assure her that she isn’t going anywhere.

“And you’re still the same unnie I met too” After the moment of sentimentality, after the hug ended, SinB heaved a sigh. “I’ve missed this. I’ve missed you”

Yerin looked at her, confusion dancing in her eyes “What do you mean?”

“I mean this…” she gestured around her room “just us sitting here, talking like nothing matters, laughing. I miss it, I’m going to miss it”

“SinB, don’t you go getting all sentimental on me now” Yerin playfully smirked at the younger girl.

“I’m not. It’s just… I… when you graduate next summer, you’re going to be going away to a new life, I don’t know what I’m going to do without you” Yerin heaved a sigh and wrapped an arm around the younger girl, leaning a head on her shoulder.

“Look, we’ve got loads of time until then. We’ll make all the best memories, and I promise, nothing is going to change. Is that what’s been bugging you?” she rolled her head so that she could see SinB’s side profile and she couldn’t help but think the younger girl was gorgeous.

“That, amongst other things.”

“Like what, B? You know you can tell me anything and I won’t laugh, I just want to help you in any way that I can” she put a hand in SinB’s lap tracing idle patterns along the girl’s calf. SinB took a deep breath.

“Well… first of all I’ve been anxious about something big that was going to happen to me, but now doesn’t look like it will. I hyped myself up about it, but after three weeks of hearing nothing, I feel like I’m back at square one again.” She took a shaky breath and Yerin stopped drawing on SinB’s leg, instead reaching for her hand

“What was this big thing that was going to happen? And why isn’t it going to happen now?” she was curious, but her tone was gentle. SinB took another deep breath

“To keep a long story really short, you know I wanna pursue a career in music production when I leave school?” Yerin nodded “Well, I made a remix track in my spare time, while you and Yewon have been busy” Yerin interrupted

“And you didn’t tell us? Do you have it on your phone? Can I listen to it?” the questions came thick and fast, but there wasn’t an accusatory tone in her voice, nor one of guilt or hurt. It was excitement and curiosity

“Ummm… I’ll show you later. Anyway, so I showed Miss Kim, you know ‘call me Taeyeon’ Miss Kim nearly four weeks ago. And she called in her friend (who I think might be more than her friend, but that’s irrelevant) who is a radio DJ. She listened to it and offered me an internship at her radio station and wanted to play my track on said station. I could make it big you know. I could become a somebody. But I haven’t heard from her since. And so now I feel like nothing will come out of it”

Yerin tightened her hold on SinB “Maybe she’s been busy. Maybe we can write her an email asking what’s going on. Do you have any contact details for her? I can help you if you want” SinB smiled bitterly.

“See, I thought about doing that but I didn’t want to annoy her”

“If you don’t ask, you’ll never know. That’s how I look at things”

“Okay… maybe it wouldn’t hurt to ask”

“That’s the spirit! Is that everything that’s been bothering you?”

“Not exactly, but I think I fixed the last bit.” SinB smiled at the thought of kissing Yuju earlier that evening

“Oh really? What was it? If it’s all fixed, there’s no harm in telling me” Yerin playfully smirked at the younger girl and ran the hand on her shoulder the length of her arm before settling it back where it was.

“It was to do with me and Yuju. But we’re good so it doesn’t matter” something, but SinB couldn’t quite point out what, in Yerin’s demeanour changed. Her eyes hardened a little, but her smile sweetened.

“Really? I thought you two were going well? You seem to be really happy together. Did something happen? Did she say something? Did she hurt you?”

“No, unnie. It’s not like that. We’re fine. It was me not her. When Yewon jokes around about me not kissing her yet, it got me a little worried that maybe I wasn’t enough for her, that she’d get bored waiting for me to be ready, that she’d break up with me because she’d think I’m just a little kid for not kissing her” Yerin stiffened.

“If she’d break up with you for that, then she’s crazy. She doesn’t know what she’d be missing out on if she did that” her voice was hard. SinB was a little scared.

“Unnie? What’s wrong?” Yerin hummed in surprise.

“Me? Nothing. Why would there be something wrong?”

“You get weird like this whenever Yuju is around or whenever I talk about her or something. It’s almost as if you don’t like her”

“I’m not being weird. What makes you think I’m being weird?” she clenched and unclenched her fist that sat in SinB’s lap.

“You get tense, like this” SinB grabbed her hand, and suddenly all the tension left it “And your voice gets a little bit harder. Has she done something wrong?” Yerin loosened up, she sat up straight, distancing herself from SinB.

“No, she hasn’t. She’s a lovely girl and you guys are great together. I’m really happy for you both” she looked down at the sheets.

“You might wanna try telling your face that” SinB was getting a little irked at her friend’s behaviour, but she wanted to get to the bottom of this. Yerin looked up at her and smiled, her eyes were glistening with tears. SinB reached out. “What’s wrong? If something has happened, you know you can tell me anything.”

“Not this” the older girl sniffled. SinB could see that she was fighting back tears

“Why not? I’m your best friend. You can tell me anything”

“That’s just it, SinB! I’m your best friend! Just your best friend and I have no right to be feeling like this right now! I should be happy for you, and I am. But… it’s hard” her last words were quiet, and strained, the girl couldn’t hold back a sob any longer. SinB was quick to lean in with a hug and she’d grabbed some tissues from her nightstand too. Yerin collapsed into the hug and bit back another sob.

SinB was confused by this. What did she mean? She didn’t want to ask and put her friend in a worse state. Whatever it was must’ve been pretty bad. So, she did what any friend would and just consoled the older girl. Held her in a hug, gave her a shoulder to cry on, handed her tissues and whispered sweet nothings into her ear.

When the crying finally became manageable, Yerin pulled herself together and sat up straight again. “I’m sorry. That was embarrassing. You shouldn’t have had to see that.” SinB let out an ironic laugh.

“Yennie, that’s not the first time I’ve seen you cry over the years. Remember when we saw your neighbour’s cat catch that bird in your garden? Or when you fell off the swing and cut your knee really bad? Or when you got stung by that mega-wasp? Or when Jack died in Titanic? Just to name a few. I personally think crying over the end of a movie is the most embarrassing” Yerin let out a shy laugh, it was definitely an improvement from the crying.

“It was a sad movie, okay! I couldn’t help myself. Besides, if you put it in its historical context, it is pretty tragic and worth crying over” SinB laughed

“That’s just an excuse.” SinB glimpsed at the clock on the nightstand - 22:00 “Hey, Yennie?” the older girl hummed for her to continue. “It’s getting late, do you wanna stay over?” Yerin looked over at the oh-so-familiar clock.

“Oh my god! Is that the time?” she looked at the all-too-familiar clock. SinB nodded.

“If you wanna stay over, you can borrow some pyjamas, and there’s a spare toothbrush in the bathroom. You know my parents wouldn’t mind, I’m convinced they love you more than me sometimes” SinB said with an easy laugh. This brought a smile to Yerin’s face.

“With a brat like you, I wouldn’t be surprised” she said, poking SinB playfully in the ribs. “I’m practically an angel in comparison” SinB laughed, and then feigned offence.

***********************************

After a bit more chatting, followed by getting changed and whatnot, the two girls were cuddled up in SinB’s bed just like they always used to: SinB acting as the big spoon and Yerin cuddled into her embrace. “Hey, Yerin?” the older girl yawned and let out a ‘mm-hmmm?’ kind of sound. “I don’t wanna make you cry again, but like… do you wanna explain to me why you were crying. I don’t get it” Yerin stiffened at the question. If they hadn’t been so wrapped up in each other, maybe SinB wouldn’t have noticed.

“You really are dense sometimes aren’t you?” Yerin’s laugh was hollow. She turned around so she was facing SinB. SinB replayed the events in her head, but it still didn’t add up

“I must be, because one minute we were talking and the next you were crying. I don’t understand.” But she wanted to. She wanted to understand so bad. Because she didn’t want Yerin to be upset. Because she wanted to help the older girl with her problems. Because a sad Yerin wasn’t right.

“I don’t think you want to understand this one” There was a hollow tone to the older girl’s voice. She brushed a few strands of hair away from SinB’s face and smiled at the younger girl. She then began playing with SinB’s fingers when she rested her hand on the older girl’s waist to comfort her. “I don’t wanna keep you in the dark. But I –“ SinB cut her off

“Then don’t. I’m your best friend. You can trust me with everything” she smiled warmly at the girl to try and convey how deep and sincere her words were.

“Like I said. It’s because you’re my best friend that I can’t tell you.” There was a begging tone to her voice because she was at the point of almost begging SinB to drop it. Instead SinB pulled her closer until there was mere inches between them, and she did something which she never did: aegyo.

“Please Yennie. Please tell SinB what made you cry?” followed by the most adorable pout Yerin had ever seen. It was just so cute.

“Ugh! Why are you like this?” she put a hand against SinB’s chest to try and create some space between them

“Because I know you love it really” SinB smirked, knowing that it was working

“You know I’d never lie to you, right?” the older girl asked.

“Yeah”

“Then please don’t ask me to tell you” she sounded serious. She wasn’t ready to tell SinB yet. She couldn’t tell SinB yet. Especially not now. Instead she gave SinB a quick kiss on her forehead like she always used to before whispering a quiet “Goodnight SinB” before rolling over again, pulling the girl’s arm with her so she was back-hugging her again.

“Good night Yerin” After a few minutes of lying in silence, SinB could tell that Yerin was still no where near sleeping, so she whispered "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Yeah. What is it?" Yerin shifted herself a little, but didn't turn to face SinB

"I kissed Yuju earlier. Like proper kissed her"

The tension was back in Yerin's body. Again, if they weren't so tightly wrapped up, maybe SinB wouldn't have felt it. "Really? That's great. I'm happy that things are working out. Is that what you meant when you said that you've kind of sorted that problem?"

"Yeah, it was"

"How was it?" 

"How was what?" 

"The kiss, stupid"

"Oh, that. Yeah. Umm... it was nice I guess. I don't have anything else to compare it to so I guess it was okay"

"Good. I'm glad" Even in her whispering voice, there was an undertone of bitterness and Yerin bit her tongue hoping SinB wouldn't pick up on it.

"Goodnight Yerin" SinB pulled her a little closer.

"Goodnight SinB. I'm proud of you"

"Thanks, unnie. I'm proud of you too"

"What for?"

"You almost managed to convince me you weren't bitter. I'm proud of you for always wearing your emotions on your sleeve with me. Even when it hurts" 

Yerin smiled. SinB might be one of the smartest people she’d ever met, but sometimes she was really dense.

Author's note: Hey y'all, look who's back again! I had a flare of creativity this evening so sat down over the last like 4 hours and write this. I hope you all don't hate me for where I'm going with this. 

That's all I really have to say. Take care! Until next time. xo