Like smudging watercolor
You gave out all your color
Fading and fading

- Don't  Let Me Go; SHINee

Jonghyun-ah, I remember the last time we met clearly in my head. The words we exchanged, everything now seems like a sign I ignored. A huge lightened up sign saying "don't leave him" that I ignored.

It was the last day of your concert and I came to see you. You were amazing but that day, sitting among hundreds of your loving fans, waving the pearl aqua lightsticks, I felt like something was off and I couldn't figure out why.

During the last few songs, you looked really sad, I guess it was because it was the last day of your concert but you looked really sad. Like you wouldn't see any of them again. Like this was your last time performing. 

I figured your seasonal depression kicked in, and the last few minutes all I wanted to do was run on stage and give you a hug.

Soon enough, I followed Minho & Taeyeon back stage to see you. We waited for you and when I saw a glimpse of your stunning body making your way towards us, I couldn't contain my joy and didn't even bother to try.

"You did well!" I ran over to you arms outstretched for a hug. Your expression was slightly dark, almost like something was bothering you. But as soon as you looked up to see me running towards you, you smiled your usual big bright smile and accepted me in your arms. 

"It was hard." You mumbled into my hair, only audible for me to hear. My heart dropped, I was right, your seasonal depression had kicked in.

The four of us chatted awhile before it was time to say goodbye. We exchanged hugs again and you once again gave me a message only I could hear.

"Can you come over tonight?" You whispered into my hair, squeezing my hands tight. I nodded and mumbled a "See you later."

This was a code we had between each other. A code for help.

We've known each other for years now, I've always known you as the cheerful, bright Kim Jonghyun. You were the epitome of sunshine. But we were never close. Around 5 years ago, I was in a dark place. There was no reason for me to live, no family, no hope. If it wasn't for the phone call you coincidentally made when I was about to jump off the bridge, I wouldn't be here. You had call me to send your condolences to me for my family's tragic passing. You heard the news a bit later than any of our friends and immidiately called me. The timing was perfect, as if it was fate and you talked me out from taking my own life away. For the next few days, you never missed calling to check on me, and that's how we grow close.

Our sadness brought us close. We spent a lot of time consoling each other, talking about the things we thought only we could understand. You made me feel like I wasn't alone, you were the light in my darkness. You still are the light in my darkness. But you were busy shining for us, the light in you started to fade. I should have known, I'm sorry Jonghyun-ah.

Now that it's drenched with tears,

My obvious mistakes can be seen no longer.

- Skeleton Flower ; Kim Jonghyun

I arrived to your house first before you did, your mum letting me in. I greeted her and chatted with her awhile before she excused herself to go to bed. I've been here a lot of times to the point where our weird friendship we have between us could be understood by your mother. I heard you unlocked the door and you entered with the same troubled expression you had earlier, not expecting me to be there. 

"Hey babe." I greeted you with a teasing grin, switching of the television.

You smiled in return, "I'm not your babe."

I switched off the television and got up from the couch, arranging the cushions as I go, "Whatever you say, babe."

I heard you groan in annoyance jokingly like you've always did when I called you babe as you followed me into your room. "I'm going to take a shower"

Your dog, Ru who was previously sound asleep woke up as I sat down ot the edge of your bed. I just nodded and watched as you walk all over your room getting things done.

"Also~ You should change." You said cheerfully as you rummaged your drawer for a tshirt and sweatpants for me. 

"Thank you." I said, grinning at you as you picked up your towel to take a shower.

You looked extremely exhausted. But when our eyes met, you chuckled, "Your grin is creepy stop it." 

You told me once again that you were going to take a shower and left me in your room for the guest bathroom outside despite having a seperate bathroom inside. You've always respected my privacy, you've never once made me uncomfortable.

When you entered the room with you hair semi-wet from the shower in fresh pyjamas; those funny looking pink house pants that you love too much, I was already settled in bed, Ru on me sleeping like a rock.

"Are you asleep?" You asked as I felt the bed move as you climbed in bed beside me. 

I opened my eyes and looked at you, "Nope. But this little buddy here is." 

You chuckled and got under the sheets, I could feel your warmth as you moved closer to me. 

"That's not fair. Are you here to see me or Ru?" You pretended to sulk and pouted.

"Hmm.. You've always been mean to me.." I teased pretending to be deep in thought.

"Yes yes I know." You said passively making me laugh at your tone.

I stopped patting Ru and turned to face you, "Jonghyunnie."

"Nae~" You say in a high tone.

I smiled, "You can quit the act now."

You were still smiling, but you nodded and mumbled, "It's hard." 

"It's really really hard for me." You said louder.

"You know what he told me? It was up to me to change. But I don't know how." You said in a quiet tone, avoiding my eye.

"I'm too blame right? I can't even fix myself. What am I doing in this world. I'm a waste of space." You continued. Everytime you did this, it broke my heart. Everytime these words fell out of your mouth, I could hear my heart breaking. But Jonghyun-ah, your heart was far more broken than mine. I'm sorry.

"Jonghyu--" I tried stopping you from saying those sad things. I was selfish Jonghyun-ah, I was tired of seeing you sad, being no help to you at all.

"It's been too long, they told me to try harder. How long do I have too hold on? Why can't I do it?"

"Jonghyun. You tried your best, I know that." The words of comfort fell out of my mouth like a routine. I bet you think I didn't meant it, but you really did well Jonghyun-ah. I meant everything I said.

"They said I didn't. I didn't try hard enough. If I tried harder, I could fix myself." You said, your eyes filled with pain and hurt. I wanted to stop it, I really did. 

"Who did? You tried your best everyday and I watched you fight it everyday. They don't understand how hard it is. How strong you are." I said softly, running my fingers over your cheek, wiping away your tears.

"I don't fight it enough. There are days I can't even get out of the room." You said, blaming yourself again.

"That's okay. It's fine to have days like that, Jonghyunnie." I replied. I should have said it like I meant it. Perhaps at that time it sounded forced to you, like I was saying it out of a routine.

"But I'm not strong enough." You said quietly, almost like you were talking to yourself.

"Yes you are. You made it this far. You wrote beautiful music while dealing with it too. Remember how I dealt with it? I stayed at home for months." I was selfish Jonghyun-ah, comapring my situation to your's. If only I could turn back time and do a better job. I'm sorry.

"But you fought it off. You're happy now." You pointed out.

I smiled and sighed, "I wouldn't be here if you didn't call me and stop me. I'm happy because of you. A lot of people is happy because of you. See, you're basically a superhero. The world needs you, Kim Jonghyun."

"It was a coincidence." You said. Your tone was sharp, not agreeing with everything I had said.

"It was fate. But the one who made the choice to come visit me almost everyday, checked on me every night was you." I corrected you. 

"If someone else was in my shoes, they would do the same too."

"No. They wouldn't. Only you would. The world needs you Jonghyun." Indeed we do need you, Jonghyun-ah. But we didn't realize what you needed.

"If I keep holding on, will it get better?" You questioned.

I put on my brightest smile trying to convince you, "Eung. It will." 

"It's really difficult for me. It's really really difficult." You bursted in tears. I remember pulling you into a hug, hugging you tight hoping I could put all your broken pieces back together. We stayed like that for awhile, in each others arms as you cried and I caressed your hair. I mumbled it's okay over and over again hoping it'll help. After awhile, you pulled away from me, your tears not visable. It was replaced by that smile of your's, that sweet smile but I could tell it was forced. 

"Where do you think is a good place to get a tattoo?" You asked out of the blue.
 
"Hmm?" I hummed, puzzled at your sudden question.

"It's just three English letters." You added, tucking stray hair behind my ears.

"What? Dumb?" I joked trying to play along with you who was trying to lighten up the mood.

"Dumb is 4 letters." You rolled your eyes.

I fake gasped dramatically, "JONGHYUN ISN'T STUPID ANYMORE"

"I was never stu--" 

"HIS ENGLISH HAS IMPROVED"

"YES YES I'M NOT GOOD AT ENGLISH AS YOU ARE! TELL THE WORLD" You shouted back, bursting into laughter at the end at how ridiculous we were being.

I wasn't done, I was so happy to see you laughing again, "JONGHYUN IS BAD--"

"It's 3 am you'll wake my mum up." You laughed, putting your palm on my lips to shut me up. 

I pushed away your hand, "Didn't stop you from shouting." 

You paused thinking of a comeback and replied, "That's because I'm handsome" 

I faked a disgusted face, "That has nothing to do with this." 

"So you admit I'm handsome?" You questioned, grinning try to tease me. 

That grin you had caught me offguard,"Noooo-- i mean. You're okay...I guess?"

You raised your eyebrow at my answer to tease me. I groaned and gave in, "OKAY FINE I ADMIT IT"

You chuckled in victory and smiled smugly at me. I rolled my eyes and pulled you closer. For some reason, that night I felt extra clingy with you. Like I was going to lose you. I reached out for your hand and pointed at held your pinky finger and traced it with my own, "Here?"

"Hmm?" You hummed looking at me.

"The tattoo. Here looks fine. What is it really? Dog? Cat? Fat? Mat?" I guessed, frowning tracing those letters on the side of your pinky finger.

"Yeah I'm getting fat tattooed permanently on my body." You said sarcastically, you were so close to me it was almost like you were talking directly into my ear. The rest of the world and I learned later on that the word you wanted to get was 'Bye.'

Indeed, I'm a . Why couldn't I figure that out? I'm sorry Jonghyun-ah. I'm really sorry. I couldn't stop you, I'm sorry.

I remembered listening to you talk about everything I missed ever since I last called you a month ago. I remember you repeatedly say it's hard for you in our long conversation that night. I remember saying "Jonghyun-ah, it's okay. I'll be here every step of the way." over and over again. I remember you saying that you felt like a burden and blamed yourself repeatedly. 

But I didn't take it seriously. That wasn't my first time seeing you like that. I've spent countless nights like that with you for the past 5 years. On some nights, I was the one crying and you were the one doing the comforting. I didn't think you would've done it. I didn't think you'd leave me.

At some point, you fell asleep talking. I took it as a good sign. You used to depend on sleeping pills to sleep.

"I love you, Jonghyun." I whispered brushing your hair away from your eyes. You weren't awake obviously, already in dreamland. 

I remembered smiling in that moment looking at your peaceful face sleeping. I thought you were getting better, it felt like you were getting better. But I didn't ask you. You weren't getting better, Jonghyun-ah. I should've known better, I'm sorry.

 

That morning, like usually, you greeted me with a happy "Good morning sleepyhead." And offered me a cup of coffee.

I smiled sleepily and thanked you. You grinned in respond and told me you'll wait for me outside. But my heart felt heavy, you still looked haggered. I brushed it away saying that it must be the lack of sleep you get yesterday.

I joined you in the living room after I washed up. Your mother was there too. I remembered smiling when you joked around with your mother before she left the house to run an errand. I miss my mother but seeing you two made me feel happy.

"Are you staying for lunch?" You asked sitting beside me. Your eyes looked hopeful, but I couldn't stay.

I pouted and shook my head, "I have to pack for my business meeting in Jeju tomorrow."

"Oh." You exclaimed, clearly disappointed. My heart broke at your reaction but I needed to rest as well.

"Can't you wait? For just two hours? I have to leave in two hours too." You proposed, the glint of hope in your eyes shining again.

I didn't have the heart to say no, but I needed the time, "I'm sorry. I promise I'll hang out with you for two whole days after my work settles down okay?"

Usually you'd reply happily and joke around with me but that day, you just hid your disappointment with a smile. Once again, you look so tired. I wanted to transfer all the energy I have to you, to see the cheerful Jonghyun I know again.

"Are you leaving now?" You asked me again, closing the gap in between us. I looked at your sad eyes and gave in, "In half an hour." 

Your reaction was priceless. For a second there, you look like the normal you. That grin you showed me washed away all my worries I had that day. I shouldn't have wash away my worries. I'm sorry Jonghyun-ah. I don't remember what we talked about that morning but I remembered it being all sweet and cotton candy. I really thought you were better, Jonghyun-ah. I want to go back to that morning and stop time.

"I'll see you after Christmas!" I say cheerly as I jumped on you for another hug as the dreaded parting arrived. Somehow I felt heavy to leave you that morning. My heart had always felt heavy leaving you the day after our late hangouts, but that day it felt heavier than usual. I should have listened to my guts.

You stumbled backwards a little and chuckled, "That's a long time to go."

You hugged me tight and we stood there in the middle of the living room for a few seconds in silence.

You looked extremely sad that morning. Like you didn't want to see me leave. Almost as if you wanted me to stay longer. You knew that was the last time I'll see you, didn't you?

"Don't be silly it's only a few weeks to go!" I protested, feeling slightly uncomfortable as my stomach started to hurt for no reason. I felt like something bad was going to happen but I brushed it off.

"Promise me we'll go to that new cafe I told you about after Christmas." I added, pouting as I showed my pinky to you.

I remember it clearly Jonghyun-ah, the way you chuckled and pinched my cheeks, ignoring my outstretched pinky and replied, "We'll see, little one." 

I was honestly hurt you ignored my request to make a promise, but I pushed that aside and decided to tease you instead, "Why am I little when I'm only 5 cms shorter than you."

"THEN STOP WEARING HEELS." You complained dramatically like you usually would. You were laughing but your laugh was empty. There was something sad about it but I brushed it away again. 

I laughed and punched you playfully, "Oh god I'm going to miss you Jjong-ah." 

"I'll miss you too. A lot." You said it like you meant it. The look in your eyes made it difficult for me to leave.

I tried brushing all those feelings away, fake laughing, "Ahh why are you so emotional?! It's not like I'm going away for that long!" 

"Okay then. I won't miss you at all. AT ALL." You said, a hint of smile creeping o your face. 

"That's a bit mean. I'll accept you missing me then." I grinned, twisting my own words.

"You're a loser." You said rolling your eyes.

I smiled and ruffled your hair, "Well this loser loves you. Dress warm, take care of Ru and your mum."

You chuckled and did the same to me in return, "Okay. You take care of yourself. Don't get into trouble." 

"Eung. If you need me at all just call me okay." I reminded you. You were there in front of me, but it felt like you weren't present. That sadness overpowering your eyes.

"I don't want to bother you with work." You said. It sounded so sad, as if you felt like a burden in my life. I didn't know how to react. I didn't want to leave you. I shouldn't have.

"Just do it! Bye~ I'll see you in 2 weeks!" I remember pinching your arms before walking away from you. I was only 5 steps away when you called me, "Yah!"

"What?" I said, frowning as you grabbed both my hands and stood in front of me.

"Be happy." You said smiling, your hand slowly moving up my arm and settled on my shoulders. You were staring straight in my eyes, meaning every word you say.

I felt myself getting teary as I pulled you in for a hug. "You too. I love you Jonghyunnie."

"Take care, I love you even more." You mumbled into my hair, holding me tighter. It wasn't my first time hearing those words from you, but that time it felt different. I couldn't see your face but I knew that you were sad, the way you said it was different. Unconciously, I felt my tears rolling down my cheeks. 

"Ah. Why are you making me teary? Bye Jjong." I said being the first to pull away from the hug. I quickly wiped my tears away, hoping you didn't notice. Why did my heart feel so heavy to leave you that day?

"Goodbye. Remember I love you." You said and waved goodbye to me, smiling. But the way you looked at me was different, it was as if you were trying to memorize my expressions, every single part of my face.

I laughed and rolled my eyes at your mushiness, thinking that you were joking. I waved at you one last time and walked away from you. 

That was the biggest mistake of my life. If only I stayed and got a few more hours with you. I'll trade everything to go back in time to you Jonghyun. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.