I might go crazy, I don’t know what will happen,
the only medicine is you

- Symptoms ; SHINee

My hands were shaking, I read it once, I read it twice but the words weren't changing. 

"Breaking : SHINee's Kim Jonghyun Found Dead"

I read your name over and over again hoping it was someone else's name. It couldn't be you. It couldn't have been Kim Jonghyun. Not my Jonghyun. 

My hands trembled as I closed the tabs of the search bar and started dialling your number which I've memorized without realizing. I was waiting for the call to come through but there was no answer. I dialled again, again and again but all I got was the depressing beeps before it connects me to your voicemail. 

I didn't know who to call. Perhaps your mother? Your sister? I had their numbers because you had jokingly given me their numbers in case of emergencies which caused me bursting in tears that night, hating the possibilities of it. Remember that night? You spent hours trying to console me and you promised that dreadful day wouldn't come soon. 

Soon. It's been almost a year since that night. I guess I can't say you didn't keep your promise. I dialled both of their numbers but both their lines were busy. One particular calm face popped in my head, "jinki." I mumbled as I scrolled my phone looking for his number, hoping he didn't change it. 

The long beeps made me even more anxious, I keep digging my nails into my wrist trying to hold on, trying to wake up from this nightmare, the line finally went through but there was no greeting just a deep sigh, "I'm sorry.."

His voice was trembling, like usual he was holding back his tears to be strong for the others. I didn't even get the chance to ask anything, or get even a little spark of hope. It felt like my heart dropped out of my body.

I couldn't say anything, my mouth felt heavy, no words came out of my mouth, "I..I.."

There was a huge silence between us for a couple of seconds before he spoke up, "I'll send you the hospital details okay. I'll see you there, okay?"

I was..sad? Perhaps? I didn't what to feel. The only thing I could say was, "okay."

I heard him sigh worriedly, "Hey, get there safely okay?"

"Okay." 

"I bet Jonghyun would want to see us both arrive there safely." He said choking up on his own words. 

"I'll see you there." I mumbled before ending the call. I was numb, my brain wasn't functioning, I didn't feel anything. My body moved on it's own. Unconsciously I grabbed my car keys and went to my car despite not getting the hospital details yet. Everything was a blur the next thing I knew I had parked my car in the basement parking.

When I arrived at the level you were at, I could see your loved ones consoling each other, crying on each other's shoulder. The mood was gloomy and dark, it felt like there was a heavy rain cloud hovering above us.

I took my steps towards the familiar figure at the end of the corridor, "Hi." 

Jinki was busy consoling Taemin who had his head buried in his hands, crying silently yet uncontrollably. Jinki raised his head and greeted me with his normal smile, "I'm glad you made it."

I tried acting normal and smiled back at him, in the room, we were the only ones who were able to smile ever so brightly. But it was a facade for both of us. His eyes are a reflection of mine, puzzled and sorrowful. 

I couldn't greet your mother nor your sister. They couldn't sit still, your sister passing by us now and then to receive calls, her face puffy from all the crying.

Minho arrived a few minutes after I settled down beside Taemin, taking turns to pat his back with Jinki. Jinki and I were both silent, exchanging small comforting smiles every now and then while he whispered comforting words to Taemin.

Minho didn't say much. He exchanged hugs with Jinki and Taemin, eyes red proof that he'd been crying on his way to the hospital. He sat down beside me, and for awhile he sat there silently while Jinki explained to us how it happened.

I noticed at some point, Minho's hand was trembling, he was trying so hard to fight back his tears. I reached out for his hand and squeezed them, "It's okay."

He started crying at that exact moment, and mumbled he needed to excuse himself for the toilet and got up. He didn't get far, a few steps away from us he collapsed on the floor and the whole room panicked as they called out for medical support. 

Jinki did his job as a leader well. You would have been so proud to see him like that. "The group's pillar" you once described him to me. Honestly Jonghyun-ah if you were here you'd be crying beside Taemin as well, but instead you're lying unconscious in the room. 

For the next few minutes, I took over Jinki's job of consoling Taemin completely as he took care off Minho. They were letting people in to see you. Your sister came to us right after she got out off your room and asked if we wanted to go next.

Minho and Taemin weren't ready for it. They were crying their eyes out, my heart broke everytime they denied the reality. They keep saying they weren't ready. They love you a lot, Jonghyun-ah. 

Jinki and I went together to see you. Did you know? Did you see us together? I wondered if you could see what was happening and thought it was silly for awhile. But I put on my bravest face as I entered your room, just in case. 

"Jonghyun-ah.." Jinki trembled as he went beside you hugging your cold, stiff body. He wasn't crying, I wasn't crying. We were both putting our best face for you. We didn't want you to feel bad for leaving us, for once we didn't want you to blame yourself.

I stood by your right side and held your hand, intertwining my fingers with yours. Just a week ago, you were holding my hand as tight as I held your's, but in that moment your hand was just stiff in my hands. On cold days, tucked in your room or mine, you always held my cold hand trying to warm it with your own as we talked until the morning, comforting each other. I miss your warm hands, Jonghyun-ah. I miss your sweaty, annoying, rough, warm hands.

Jinki was whispering his goodbyes to you. I gave him his space as I waited by your bed side, staring at your face. You were sleeping so soundly, just like the last night I saw you when you feel asleep talking about how you feel that day. Only this time you won't wake up in the morning and greet me with your raspy voice saying "Good morning sleepyhead" and offer to make me coffee. I miss your coffee Jonghyun-ah. 

Jinki's eyes were starting to tear up but he wiped them away before it started to fall down his cheeks. I think he didn't realize I saw him do that as he smiled warmly to me, "You can have Jonghyun now." 

I smiled back at him as we exchange places. I caressed your hair one last time, trying to remember how it feel against my fingers as this would probably be the last time I can do it, "Jjong-ah, you did well." I said, smiling like the days where you had a bad time and called me over and I told you repeatedly how good you were doing. I'm saying those words again to you for the last time, the useless words that didn't save you. I'm sorry Jonghyun-ah. 

I was still numb, the days you made me laugh playing back in my head. I smiled a little remembering all your silly, stupid jokes. All the times you made me laugh so hard my stomach started to hurt. Whether it was our personal moments together or the times you were on shows which I secretly played at night when you were away because I missed you. Everytime you were busy or I was caught up in my own life, I missed you Jonghyun-ah, I never told you that when we meet up or talk for hours on the phone and now I'm going to spend the rest of my days missing you even more.

I kissed your forehead like you always did as I cried in your arms during those nights you accompanied me with your comforting words, convincing me to not take my own life. You saved me, Jonghyun-ah. But I couldn't do anything in return for you. Jonghyun-ah, I'm sorry. 

I held back my tears as I looked up at Jinki who was staring at your face as he held your hand tight. "Should we go?"

Jinki nodded with a small smile and whispered one more time in your ear. I gave your forehead another kiss, your skin icy cold under my warm soft lips.

When we were leaving your room, Jinki unexpectedly reached out for my hand, squeezing it tight. I'm not sure if he was comforting me or himself, we were comforting each other, like how you and I used to do.

"Are you okay?" He asked as we step out from your room.

"Are you okay?" I asked him instead, not knowing what to answer.

He laughed, the laugh was forced I could tell, "I think you and I are feeling the same thing."

I give his hand a harder squeeze, "If we are, I want to tell you that you tried your best. It's not your fault." 

He looked at me, his tears pooling in his eyes, unable to hold it back anymore, he started crying silently. I pulled him into a hug and held him close, not wanting to let him go like how I let go of your embrace the last morning we met.

I started crying as well, it finally hit me, I'm not going to see you again. I'm not going to see your beautiful teethy smile again. I won't be able to hear you laugh anymore. I won't be able to prank you or force you into singing songs for me anymore. I won't be able to be the first one to listen to your songs anymore. I won't be able to call you at 3am after receiving a text from you or listening to your song to check up on you. I won't be stealing time to nap at work after a long talk with you at night because there won't be calls anymore. I'm not going to hear you call my name anymore. I'm not going to hear your voice anymore. Jonghyun-ah, I miss your voice. I miss you. I miss you already.