Just one more step and it’s all over
Don’t foolishly hold on, just let me go

- Let Me Out; Kim Jonghyun

When I arrived at the funeral hall, your family was already there and your four brothers were there too. They seemed tired, their expressions reminded me of your last. The forced smile, the sad eyes, everything was identical to your's.

When Kibum arrived the day after you left us, my heart broke even more. Everyone started crying again looking at Kibum. Jonghyun-ah, why are you so cruel towards us? On second thoughts, why was the world cruel on you until leaving us was the only option for you. We miss you Jonghyunnie.

I stayed until the very end, watching your colleagues and best friends come and go. It felt like everyone you had known were there. They talked nothing but nice things about you, even the ones who weren't close to you.

Bright, talented, kind-hearted Jonghyun, that's what they kept calling you. If you were here I'd joke if you could become my night light since you're bright. I could imagine your reaction to my lame joke, jokingly telling me to leave like you've always had. I miss you even more today. 

Our friends came by too, saying their goodbyes in hushed voices. Everyone loves you Jonghyun-ah. You've never believed me when I told you that, but it's nothing but the truth. 

Everyone cried, not a single person left out from mourning over you. Even I cried. No one could escape th sorrow Jonghyun-ah, the hall echoed with the sounds of sobbing over you. 

But I hope you're smiling, Jonghyunnie. I hope you're happy now.

Even people who didn't know who you were, sent their condolences. Did you know all your hardwork, your beloved songs, outsold every other song and album this past few days? 

Funny when you're dead people start to listen, right? I wish you're hear to complain to me about that instead of me sitting in the corner for hours complaining on your behalf.

When night came, no one visited you and the only one left were your family, your brothers and I. We told your family to rest while no one's here and I sat with Jinki.

I was not that close to your brothers, the only thing we had in common was you. Occasionally, I tagged along on your birthday dinner and we all got along pretty well. But there was never a reason for me to call them whenever you're not present. But for the past few days, Jinki has taken care of me like I was apart of the group. 

We reminisced about you. Every single time you made us laugh, every single time you cheered everyone up. The moments were countless, it makes me miss you even more. We weren't sure whether to cry or the laugh. But one thing for sure, we miss you.

"What was the last thing he said to you?" Minho asked.

"I think it was Taeminnie, thank you, i love you." Taemin replied choking up again.

"It was a week ago, he told me to remember that he loves me. I think he knew all along." I said smiling bitterly. I couldn't bare looking at the four boys anymore and started to stare at the ceiling.

"He reminded everyone how much he loved us didn't he?" Someone said.

"Mine was a pathetic text. I didn't even get to hear his voice. I missed his call." Jinki said, disappointed.

"I'm sorry..." 

"It's okay, hyung." 

"He loves you nothing less than he loves us." The three chimed. 

I was curious, I just had to ask, "He told you he loved you too?"

Jinki smiled nodding, "I've memorized it by heart, 'Hyung, I just wanted to thank you for your hardwork, I love you. Please don't go hard on yourself. Take care of my family and her for me.' "

"Her? Taeyeon?"  I asked, puzzled. But the other four pair of eyes seemed to understand. I was the only one lost.

"I think he meant you." Minho smiled.

"Me?" I questioned again, frowning.

"He really cares about you. He talks about you a lot." Taemin revealed. 

Jinki smiled at me, "I guess we're in charge of taking care of you now. I mean if that's okay with you."

I smiled and shrugged to the four boys before looking at your smiling framed picture. I miss you, Jonghyunnie, I really do. But if this is your only way to happiness, I'll let you go.

My love went for a faraway journey,
Now it's the end. 

- Wish upon a star; SHINee.

Jonghyun-ah, I was upset that you refused to make that promise with me, but you saw this coming didn't you. Even towards the end, you protected me and refused to break my heart over a promise knowing how much I take promises seriously. 

At first, I was upset that you gave up, leaving us here griefing over you. I thought you were selfish for leaving your mother and sister who loves you a lot, your brothers and everyone who loves you.

I was upset not being able to see you smile, you laugh. I was afraid no one would be there for me when I need you the most, no one would save me. 

But then I realized, I've done nothing for you. You healed me and accompanied me during my darkest days, but in return I couldn't save you. I thought I did my best, we all thought we did but the reasons we gave you to stay were all selfish reasons. 

'Everyone loves you'
'The world needs you'
'Other people have it worst.'
'We need your music'
'You saved me.'

But there was no reason for your own happiness. You spent your days cheering people up, putting people first, even during your last. You blamed yourself and only you. 

You made sure you leaving wouldn't trouble anyone at all. A pure soul who was tortured by the cruel world. I'm sorry Jonghyun-ah. 

We were the selfish ones, Jonghyun-ah. I'm sorry. I miss you. I could have done better. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's hard to let you go, I'm struggling but like all the days you smiled for us when you weren't feeling it, all the days you fought your demons, I'll smile and let you go too. I won't question your happiness. 

Jonghyun my love, thank you for saving me. Thank you for protecting me until the very end. Thank you for the kind, encouraging words you softly whispered to me thinking I was asleep. Thank you for the unconditional love despite us not being close at that time. Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for being strong so you could see me heal even though you were struggling. Thank you for being brave enough to seek for help. Thank you for showing a great example.Thank you for leaving me in good hands. Thank you for bringing me closer to your amazing brothers, knowing that if you go I would have no one in the world. Endless thank yous to you, Kim Jonghyun. I'll let you leave with grateful heart.

Jonghyun-ah, I still love you and will always do. I'll live my life well, I won't waste the time and effort you've put into saving me but I won't forget you. You'll always be apart of me, every step I take, you're with me. You can finally be happy for yourself, my love. Goodbye, Jonghyun-ah. 

A/n : 
Rest in peace Jonghyun. I miss you already. Thank you for the stiffled laughs I had to hold back at 3 am because of your jokes on variety shows. Thank you for the comfort you gave me through your songs at 3 am when no one was there for me. Thank you for your kind words during Blue Night that stayed with me when I was feeling down. 

Thank you for taking care of your family, your members, your hoobaes and your fans. I love you, Jonghyun. You did well, I'm sorry I couldn't save you like you saved me.