He has to count sometimes. To calm himself down.

Sometimes he’ll count to five other times to ten or twenty, but when he’s feeling really bad, he’ll count all the way up to a hundred. His mom always told him it’ll keep the muck away. The muck...the muck was Jonghyun’s fears.

Kim Jonghyun, a recent graduate of Seoul University, completed his last year with a major in Musical Composition. He graduated at the top of his class and was able to enjoy his university years without being a total shut in. He stepped out some days to smell the fresh air and partied and dated--all while keeping ‘the muck’ away. He met plenty of girls, all of which he turned down with a simple. “Sorry. I’m gay.” Some of the girls were nice enough to wish him luck in his dating endeavors, others...well…

“You’re gay?”

Jonghyun nods, an annoyed hand clasping the back of his neck as he waits for this to end.

“You’re gay?” she repeats, as though she didn’t hear the first time, as though she’s ing dense and doesn’t understand that he’s not interested.

“Yes. What part don’t you understand?”

The girl--Kang Sora--has the audacity to click her tongue. “You just….you just don’t seem like the type.”

Jonghyun’s hand falls away from his neck and hangs loosely at his side. “The type?”

“Yeah….to be….into guys.”

Jonghyun’s brown eyes suddenly drift down to his feet and he stares down at the ground as it swirls and swirls and no, it’s not swirling, nothing is moving. He can’t escape this. He just needs to count.

One. Two. Three-- “Sora….”--he calls her name tentatively.

“What?”

“Let’s not talk again.”

Some girls were just ignorant.

Jonghyun steps out of his apartment, the keys jangle on his wrist as he turns to lock the door. It’s cold out and there’s a slight breeze, but this is the weather he enjoys the most. He hikes his scarf up until the scratchy fabric covers his mouth and nose and he takes the steps down to the sidewalk one at a time. Once he graduated, he proceeded to look into jobs for producers or composers and settled upon a DJing gig late at night.

Jonghyun stuffs his hands in his coat pockets and lowers his head as the breeze picks up. He remembers graduation day being long and predictable, but there was one person in particular Jonghyun remembers the most. One person he looked at for all four years of his university life. Jonghyun suddenly stops and feels the world as it blows around him in the wind. He feels the cold against his cheeks and he breathes out the name of that person. “Kibum…”

Kibum. Kibum was like the air when Jonghyun felt himself suffocating.

Kibum was everything, but Kibum was always out of reach.

One week before graduation

Kibum has his hair styled up and it’s freshly dyed a bright blonde. His usually pink lips are a deep shade of red and he’s wearing his favorite fashion combination. Ripped jeans, a navy shirt and an over-sized denim jacket. It takes everything in Jonghyun’s being not to stop and stare. Kibum saunters up to him with a goofy grin and a loud “Hey, Jjong!” as he leans in a little too close to peer at the paper in Jonghyun’s hand.

“Hey, Kibum…” Jonghyun says softly as he tries to fight the blush creeping up his neck. A blush Kibum notices, but makes no mention of.

“Are we still on for tonight? You said you’d invite me over for your sister’s jokbal.”

“Yeah, we’re still on.”

Kibum beams and steps back, he runs a hand through his sandy hair and Jonghyun momentarily forgets how to breathe.

He’s been in love with Kibum for four years.

His first year at university they were in the same class, but Jonghyun had yet to conquer the skill known as being social. It wasn’t until his second year that he built up the courage to approach Kibum. He didn’t have any classes with him that year, but he ran into him at a party--it was a lot easier than Jonghyun thought it’d be to talk to Kibum.

Talking to Kibum that first time was like speaking with the ocean; a little loud, a little overwhelming but underneath all that aura---was complete and utter calm.

“I’ve been saving my stomach for this,” Kibum murmurs as they begin to walk down the hall. “I’ll bring beer. Sodam likes beer right?”

Jonghyun nods, his eyes following the back and forth sway of Kibum’s right hand. Jonghyun has this idea, the idea that if he touches Kibum’s hand all the muck in his mind will vanish. Kibum’s bright blonde hair will obliterate it into bits and pieces. But what’s ing funny, is that the muck is preventing him from doing just that.

Don’t touch that hand. Don’t dirty him with your own insecurities. Don’t make him suffer.

Jonghyun bites down hard on his bottom lip as he forces himself to look away from Kibum’s shining hand.