“I’ll love you today and say goodbye to you tomorrow…” – Jonghyun

But tomorrow never comes

 

Monday 8AM – Oct. 15

It’s the morning dew, a sign of mid-October. It’s the warm wind and bristling leaves. It’s Monday and the clock has just hit eight.

Kim Jonghyun stumbles out of the front door, he checks his watch. He’d be late for the meeting at this rate. “Damn it.” He curses; last night he came home late—mildly drunk and on the phone with his boyfriend. Soon to be ex. Jonghyun hurries into his car and slams the door shut. They argued. He sits in the silence and grips the steering wheel. “Damn it…” he repeats, his words hanging in the air like a tattered dream catcher.

He can’t recall what they argued about, but tomorrow would be the end of it. It was time to end it. It wasn’t possible to begin with—his mother and father were already planning to find him a nice woman to marry. He hasn’t told them and he guess that’s where the argument began.

“You haven’t told them about us?”

His voice—cracked, broken, slightly nasally—jonghyun remembers him saying how he had a cold. Maybe he did have one.

He starts the car and checks his watch again.

He never planned on telling his parents, this thing with his assistant was only supposed to be a “thing” and then…something happened. Jonghyun knows all too well what happened. He drives off, lowering the window so the warm air can run through his hair.

What happened was a kiss. He kissed his assistant one late night when they were both working overtime. He lied about it, saying he was “drunk on lack of sleep.” His assistant laughed it off with a smile. Jonghyun loved that smile and still loves it. But he can’t—he’s not allowed to.

“Where do you think we live?” his close friend—Jinki—once asked him. “This is Korea, if you love him as much as I know you do, you’ll want to marry him.”

“I never said that.”

“You love him…he loves you too. Don’t hurt him.”

Jonghyun turns a street corner, the office building comes into view and he bites his bottom lip. The lip his assistant has kissed countless times.

He won’t say his name—he can’t say his name because—“, my heart hurts.”

Today is Monday and Jonghyun decides to let him go.

~

Kibum doesn’t check his watch, he barely keeps up with time, but he always arrives early to the office. A small workshop in central Seoul. He comes in early and works late, he doesn’t mind it though. Especially since he’s Jonghyun’s assistant and boyfriend. But they argued last night, fought, got at each other’s throats. It was intense and the after effects show in Kibum’s glazed eyes.

“Didn’t sleep much?” Head of publishing—Choi Minho asks.

Kibum sighs. “Fought with the boyfriend.” He explains simply.

“You’re lucky,” Minho comments. “My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I call him “boyfriend.” Minho rolls his doe eyes. “He’s still in the closet.”

Kibum beams understandably before focusing his attention on the papers in front of him.

“The are you saying Kibum?” Jonghyun’s voice—garbled, soft, drunk. “Can you come over? I wanna see you.”

“You aren’t listening to me.”

“I am.”

“Jonghyun.”

His name bites into Kibum’s thoughts, at first a nibble and then a gnaw and then a gash.

“I can’t…I told you…I can’t Kibum.” Jonghyun whined into the phone last night.

Kibum begins to file through the papers, but stops midway when the door to his office is opened. He doesn’t look up as he says, “You first have to schedule a meeting if you’d like to speak with Jonghyun as he is busy.”

“…You’ve gotten that little spiel perfected.”

Kibum’s head snaps up and he gapes at Jonghyun.

“Morning.” His boyfriend greets, but he doesn’t smile. He used to smile a lot when they first started dating. He used to laugh.

The door clicks shut. They hover in the silence—Kibum at his desk, Jonghyun by the door.

“Can we talk?” he asks and Kibum knows it’s over.

Oct 9^th- A few days ago…

Jonghyun pins Kibum’s hands above his head as he s into him. The bed creaks, the sun rises into the early morning. Jonghyun kisses his neck, the tip of his nose, his shoulder.

“J-Jonghyun, slow down.” Kibum pleads, but Jonghyun doesn’t stop because he feels as though he’s going to lose him. He feels as though Kibum is slipping through his fingers. He’s like water—clear, wetting his palms but never staying in one place. He falls and falls.

“Sorry.” He huffs locking his lips with Kibum’s. They kiss longingly and with each a memory resurfaces.

Their first date. First kiss. First discovery.

He wants to tell him he loves him, right in this moment he does love him. But for how long can he continue to love him? People say this is wrong, but they’re just in love, they’re just making love. But this isn’t right.

Kibum’s back arches.

This isn’t right.

How can this be wrong when he’s so beautiful? How come this isn’t right when we look at each other as though the sun and moon rest in our eyes? How come?

Kibum screams, Jonghyun’s shoulders tense and he sighs lowly. “You okay?” he asks after a while, softly brushing Kibum’s damp bangs out of his eyes.

Kibum nods with a smile. “I’m fine.”

A moment later they lay curled up in bed, the blankets up to their chins. “You’re thinking about something…” Kibum murmurs.

Jonghyun shifts his body so that he can rest his head on Kibum’s chest. He listens to his heartbeat. “I just…” he swallows and closes his eyes. “Never mind. It’s nothing.”

Kibum’s knows it’s something and he’ll get a clearer picture a few days from now when Jonghyun decides to end it all. A brief explanation, a timid smile and then just like that. A poof of smoke and then it’s over.

“Jjong,” Kibum places his hand to Jonghyun’s dark hair. “It’s been six months since we started dating and if you still feel as though you can’t tell me something, then that’s a hell of a big sign something’s not going right.”

“Kibum it’s not like that.” Jonghyun says, but he doesn’t follow up with what’s on his mind, so instead they lay in silence questioning how they’ve gotten to this point.

Present

“So..” Kibum swallows, his throat clicks. “That’s it?”

Jonghyun nods and he looks handsome with his hands in his pockets. Damn it, he looks stunning with his hair swept up like that. Kibum studies his stiff face trying to discern his expression.

“Tired…you’re tired.” He murmurs, their eyes meet. “It’s too much work being gay—having a boyfriend.”

“It’s not as simple as that, Bum.”

“No, no I get it. I’m not worth the effort.” Kibums says rising up from his seat. Jonghyun does that thing where he runs his fingers through his hair and sighs. Kibum hates when he does that—it’s so dismissive, annoying, heartbreaking.

“I love you, Kibum.” Jonghyun says, but for some reason Kibum doesn’t believe him.

“You. Love. Me.” Kibum reiterates and he laughs. Jonghyun hates and loves his laugh. “You love me?” he sneers at Jonghyun, his pretty eyes glittering. Jonghyun his bottom lip nervously.

“I’ll get my stuff from your place and vice-versa. I’ll delete your number if that’s what you want.”

“I just want a break,” Jonghyun explains weakly. Kibum shakes his head and walks towards the door. He holds it open for him.

“Get out, I’ll text you later when you can come by.” He says stiffly. Jonghyun’s shoulders tense and his eyes glaze over. This had to be the right decision.

“Kibum, I’m sorry.”

“I said get out.” Kibum raises his voice slightly opening the door wider. Jonghyun bows his head and walks out the door. Kibum closes it and leans against the wooden frame. Jonghyun stands outside of the door, his expression a mix of bewilderment and shock. A few employees greet him warmly, but their words sound like the gurgling of water. He expected an argument and was ready for one, but the argument never came. He places one foot in front of the other, unsure of how to walk. Possibly, he thinks, I wanted there to be an argument so I could look at his face longer.

“Morning, Jonghyun!” Luna greets brightly, he barely looks up his smile faltering.

“I’m not worth the effort.”

He clenches his fist and glances over his shoulder at Kibum’s closed office door.

“Jonghyun…” Luna calls, concern filling her brown eyes. He looks towards her and shrugs.

“We broke up.” He says and the words sound so bitter—so endless.

“Come again?” Luna questions, but he smiles and brushes past her.

“Nothing.”

Just as Kibum had promised, he did text Jonghyun.

Bummie: come get your stuff, I need to tell you something too.

His message is blunt, to the point, a foreign language compared to the short hand and hearts Jonghyun is used to. So he goes to Kibum’s place and is slightly taken aback by what he sees. The boots he bought 2 months ago as a four month dating gift for Kibum.

An oversized teddy bear.

A box of condoms and his shirt.

All neatly piled into a box.

Kibum’s apartment door is closed, so Jonghyun has to walk around the box of memories. He tries his hardest not to touch it, afraid that the memories will rub off on his skin and overwhelm him. The love and the joy. He rings the doorbell and waits patiently for Kibum to arrive. When the door opens, his eyes rake over Kibum’s casually dressed frame and up to his eyes. Cold, dark, sad eyes.

“There’s a few more things, let me go get them.” Kibum greets, his arms folded against his chest as he turns. Jonghyun steps awkwardly into the apartment unsure of where to go or what to touch. The couch, the carpet fibers, the baby blue walls, the scrape of feet along the kitchen tile—everything holds a moment in time when they were together. “Close the door, the breeze is cold.” Kibum calls from down the hall. Jonghyun turns and stares at the open door. The breeze blows in, the curtains flutter, Jonghyun shivers. The padding sound of feet approaching snaps him out of his daze.

“Did you not hear me?” Kibum asks, his scarred eyebrow raised in questioning.

“Sorry…I…” Jonghyun trails off, his tired eyes resting on Kibum’s bright ones.

“I’m putting in my two weeks.” Kibum says; Jonghyun wants him to look away, he wants for Kibum to stop staring into his eyes—his heart.

“Really?”

“Yeah…” Kibum murmurs, the silence is deafening. Kibum waits because he’s not the type of person to offer an answer if the other person doesn’t want to ask. But Jonghyun never asks why.

“Here,” Kibum slides off the silver bracelet on his left wrist. “Almost forgot this.” He laughs lightly, Jonghyun takes it and that’s when the first set of tears fall.

“I’m weak.” He breaks, his round eyes filling with tears. “I’m not strong enough to love you.” He says. Kibum watches him, his eyes expressionless and his lips drawn into a tight line. “I don’t deserve you.” He brings the chilled bracelet to his lips and kisses it. “I don’t, Kibum.”

Kibum watches him and then he takes Jonghyuns fisted hand and kisses his knuckles. “I was weak, but you made me strong.” Kibum says softly with a pained smile. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same for you.” And so Kibum does what he did moments ago to all of Jonghyun’s things. He takes a corner of Jonghyun’s heart, folds the ends together and then gently lays it outside…far from his reach.

Jonghyun screams into his pillow that night. He cries, he curses and sobs, but this is how it has to be. “You’re doing what’s easy. You’re a coward.” Minho’s words reverberate in his mind and he feels worse off than he did earlier.

“I am a coward.” He says aloud, his eyes on the ceiling and then he falls asleep. Tomorrow would be better. For sure…tomorrow. Jonghyun dreams of how he had envisioned their talk to go—he’d take Kibum out for one last date and break the news to him then, but that didn’t happen. Nothing went how he imagined. He almost wanted to laugh at himself for thinking it’d go how he hoped—Kibum always had a way of surprising him. The dream is an endless cycle of bittersweet memories and when Jonghyun awakes those memories will be gone, just like Kibum will be.

Gone.

It’s the morning dew, a sign of mid-October. The world is basked in a warm blanket cast out by the sunlight and the clock strikes eight.

Jonghyun wakes up, his forehead damp with sweat. “Damn it,” he curses, ignoring the gnawing of deja-vu at the back of his mind. He glances at his watch and is surprised to see that he’s woken up the same exact time as he did yesterday. He walks around his room in search of Kibum’s things. Hair dye, monochromatic boxers, his jewelry and coffee pot, his oversized sweaters and lingering cologne. He places them all into a box, but there’s one thing he’ll never be able to get rid of.

He glances down at his bare chest and sighs, gently he places a hand to his chest and tugs a shirt over his head. He sits on the edge of the bed contemplating how he would greet Kibum over the phone.

“Come get your stuff.” Or “I have your things, come by and get them.” Or maybe. “I could drop them off at your place.” Before Jonghyun has a proper greeting in the works, he’s already dialing Kibum’s number and listening to the ring. And then the line clicks.

“K-Kibum?”

“Jonghyun, hey baby, I was just about to call you.”

Jonghyun blinks. “Baby…?”

“Haha, yes, I’m dating you aren’t I?”

Jonghyun’s momentarily confused as he listens to Kibum speak. Maybe he’s playing dumb? Maybe he’s trying to cope.

“Anyways, you’re late to work, you have a few clients waiting outside the office, I was going to call and see when you would be available for appointments.” Kibum speaks briskly, in his soft spoken-business manner. “So? Are you on your way to the office?”

The silence pans out, a momentary lapse in time as Jonghyun tries to piece together what’s going on. “Kibum…today’s Tuesday, I come into the office at two in the afternoon when it’s Tuesday.”

Now Kibum’s silent. “Are you still drunk?”

“Why would I be drunk? I drank two days ago.” Jonghyun explains shoving a hand in his hair and resting it there.

Kibum laughs, but it sounds uneasy. “Jjong…today’s Monday.” Jonghyun’s grip on the phone loosens and it slips from his fingers. “Are you alright?” Kibum asks, but his voice sounds so far away. “Jonghyun.”

“Oh, I—I’m sorry.” He fumbles for his phone and rises shakily to his feet. “I just…Kibum…I…”

“What? We can talk about the conversation from last night later today.” Kibum says a matter-of-factly. “If you’re not able to come in, I can leave a note—”

“Kibum, I thought…”

“Baby, lets talk about this later.”

“No, we need to talk about this now!” Jonghyun unintentionally raises his voice, Kibum goes silent. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell…” Jonghyun fingers the white sheets of his bed, plucking at the loose fibers.

“It’s just….I missed hearing your voice.” Jonghyun grips the phone and bites his bottom lip until it bleeds.

Kibum laughs softly and says sweetly. “I’ll see you soon, alright?”

“Alright…but Kibum,”

“Yes?”

Jonghyun his bleeding lower lip and grimaces from the bitter taste. “We should talk.”

“Okay, later, I’m bus—”

“But, Bum, I need you.” And Jonghyun gasps aloud when he realizes what he’s just said.

“You haven’t called me Bum…in so long….” Kibum murmurs and Jonghyun’s cursing himself and the world for his confusion and Kibum’s sudden amnesia. Why must I make him go through this again?

“I know, I’m sorry, all I can say to you is that I’m sorry.”

“Why’re you apologizing?”

“Because I want to break up with you.”

“Jonghyun, what?”

But suddenly he doesn’t know why anymore. He doesn’t understand why he wants to let Kibum go. “I said we should break up.”