I’ve had good days and bad days. Then, there are the worst days.

In my worst days, everything just stops. My world gradually ceases to function after getting fed up of going ‘round and ‘round on its own axis. My very senses then gradually lose each of their functions.

My surroundings would quiet down as if I’ve gone deaf with the color gray embracing everything. And no matter what I eat or drink, it will all taste bland. I can’t even pick up an aroma. My sense of touch will leave me as well; will leave me numb.

At that moment, I become nothing, where all I’m left with is a shell of who I once was.

I become empty.

‘I am empty,’ my mind declares inside the vast emptiness of my head as if it was something to be proud of; as if it was normal.

I would then stop feeling human because I’ve lost the essence of being one. I’ve lost my heart and my emotions that would’ve separated me from animals and robots.

My status also changes. Diving from ‘living’ down to ‘existing’. And it would have hurt if I could still feel pain. I would have also been saddened at the notion if I could. But I can’t and that’s the current truth.

Sometimes, like today, when I’m leaning on railings of high floors or overpasses, there would be this teeny, tiny thought that would flicker in front of my eyes, as if it was teasing me, then it would begin to whisper. I could always hear the snicker in its voice. And if I could still see color, I could’ve sworn it was the very epitome of black.

‘I wonder what would happen,’ the thought starts.

‘What ‘what would happen’?’ I ask back.

‘Do you want to try?’ it asked once more before snickering right beside my ear. I blinked once then looked down, at the other side of the railing.

When I’m on the overpass, I’d see fast-moving cars going through their own set destinations and the hard concrete just waiting underneath like a scattered bedsheet of my own bed.

If I’m on the rooftop of a tall building, sometimes there’d be nothing but the same gray concrete. Sometimes, there’d be people going about on their own businesses. Seeing them, I couldn’t help but ask, ‘Are you seeing what I’m seeing? Can you stomach the food that you ate? Do you have problems sleeping at night? How do you function? Why are you still alive?’ But they will never answer. They couldn’t. So, I’d just sigh and lean further on the railing. Today, I’m standing on the rooftop.

‘Try what?’ I asked it again even though I knew the answer.

I heard it snicker once more before moving a bit closer.

‘Don’t you want to jump?’

A gust of wind then blew over my being as if it was for dramatic effect.

In actuality, I’m not even surprised, not that I could be surprised in this state. The questions have become a normal thing now – and yes, there are others more.

But the bad thing about this, probably the worst part actually, is that I’m not even terrified.

I’m not terrified of the question, nor am I terrified of giving an honest answer.

I’m not even terrified to jump.

I looked down once more. I stared at the cars, at the people, and at the cement.

You see, aside from my snickering thought, I have another companion with me. That companion is always with me, never disappearing and never left on its own. We walk side-by-side and step-by-step. My companion actually doesn’t have a name. It’s doesn’t even have a face nor a body nor a warmth. My companion just…exists. My companion is just there, always by my side.

My companion has one thing though. My companion has a voice. My companion never whispered to me though, nor did my companion ever shouted at me. My companion just speaks every single time my snickering thought asks me questions.

“Hold on,” my companion said. The tone wasn’t pleading, or terrified, or questioning. It was just even.

“Hold on, I still need you.” My companion continued with the same even tone as if to state a fact. And that was all I needed to hear because even if I was empty, even if someone whispers to my ears, I was still needed.

At that very second, I was important.

So, I gripped the railings tighter, took a deep breath, then turned around and walked away. The thought snickered one last time before disappearing back inside my head. My companion though remained by my side and took a step forward the same time I did.

“Here’s to another day,” I toasted to myself while holding back my tears. I could never know if it was tears of joy or tears of regret. What I do know is that I’m still here, living in another day. And for now, that was enough.

Here’s to another day.

“Fany?”

My gaze instantly gravitated towards the small young woman stepping through the doorway of the rooftop. Her dark, dark hair was tousled by the chilly air of Winter. Her cheeks and nose had begun to redden as she tries to hide in her wine-red scarf.

Before my very eyes, my world gradually began to rotate again.

I stood there as I continued to watch her. She looked so small to my eyes and yet, as she walked closer, my thudding heart was filled to the brim by her and her alone.

I took another deep breath when I noticed that her perfume has mixed with the small particles dancing in the air. Life then began to crackle at the tips of my fingertips like the starting embers of a campfire as it gradually crawled upwards.

“Have you been waiting long?” she asked because she’s a lil’ thing who also has her fears. She then glimpsed at the railings behind me before taking a step closer as if she was seeking some form of reassurance.

I only shook my head with the same small smile because my voice hasn’t come back yet despite already regaining most of my senses. She didn’t smile back at me though, where her eyes continued to search my own. I couldn’t blame her. My smile had lied to her countless times the same way her own silence had done.

So, I reached forward to fix her scarf that was ruffled by the wind. Back then, I was set on buying pink for her but when her tiny hand brushed against this red scarf, I instantly bought it. This deep shade of red reminded me of her heart and of the fact that she was alive and well, and that she was here with me; always.

“Have I told you I adore you?” I asked in a whisper because I just knew my voice would crack under the weight of my emotions if I spoke any louder.

I chuckled when her cheeks further flushed. She simply nodded in response but it was enough for my smile to further widened. Before she could hide back into her scarf though, I cupped her still red cheeks, closed my eyes, then leaned forward so I could show her the song my heart began to sing. And after my lips captured her own into a chaste kiss, life finally exploded behind my eyelids.

“I adore you too, you know.” She mumbled after we pulled away with her ears now red as well. It was the same red that painted my heart.

“Thank you,” I replied as soft as I could because it was only for her to hear.

“Let’s go home.” She said in her familiar soft tone as she took my hand and interlaced our fingers as if, this way, we could mimic forever with our now shared warmth serving as proof.

Then, she smiled at me oh so softly with a look in her eyes that told me she was still not done planting hours into my soul so we could continue to another day.

It was at this very moment where I saw my companion. And everything became alright in the world. Everything became alright in my world.

Here’s to another day indeed.