Blue (Verkwan)

 

Warning: Mention of death and grammatical error

 

 

"You eat your medicine regularly, don’t you?"

 

Hansol nodded his head as he stared out the window.

 

"Hansol-ah, you know your brain cancer is spreading. I suggest you to immediately tell Seungkwan about that, so you can get treatment." Mingyu said for the umpteenth time to Hansol.

 

"I can’t. Seungkwan is not an independent person ... he must have someone beside him to take care of him. He can’t even eat alone, someone must accompany him." Said Hansol.

 

Hansol and Seungkwan met in high school. Before, they didn’t know each other until Seungkwan saved Hansol from the teacher's punishment. Hansol asked Seungkwan to live together at his home and they become housemates as well as bestfriend.

 

Two of them have many similarities. They love coffee, they love music, they like food, they hate school and they are orphans.

 

Nothing has changed in their relationship, they are still bestfriend but Hansol loves Seungkwan. He didn’t know since when his feelings changed for Seungkwan. Was it after Seungkwan kissed him on the cheeks? or when they slept on one bed? or the time they spent together? He don’t know. All Hansol knew was, he fell in love with Boo Seungkwan.

 

For 10 years of living together, Seungkwan always bring random men to their house and introduced them to Hansol. Hansol could do nothing but see another man holding Seungkwan's hand and kissing him, because Hansol was too scared. He scared that Seungkwan will leave him after he confess his feelings to Seungkwan.

 

After all, Hansol will die soon. He had the same illness as his father, brain cancer. There is no time for him to be with Seungkwan. It’s all hopeless for him.

 

Seungkwan is like the moon and all the pretty stars in the night sky. He’s the sunrise on an early morning and the sunset longing for sleep. Seungkwan is everything while Hansol is nothing but a dying man endlessly loving him.

 

"So, what?? You're just going keep your mouth shut, pretending you're okay and then die quietly?"

 

"Hmm ... that's what I'm going to do."

 

He will die, that's what he thinks every morning after waking up and the last one he thinks before going to sleep. Until then, he just wants to be on Seungkwan’s side. Take care of him and love him secretly.

 

 

 

***

 

 

Hansol went home and found Seungkwan sitting in front of the computer. He still wearing his pajama from last night. Hansol smiled and walked over to Seungkwan then took off his headset.

 

"You still don’t changed your pajama?" Asked Hansol, now he sit beside Seungkwan. Hansol could see Seungkwan’s tears which ready to fall down from his eyes.

 

"Chwe…I think I’m going crazy." Seungkwan lay his head on the desk.

 

Hansol patted his head and said, “What’s wrong?” asked Hansol.

 

“No idea at all. I don’t have any single idea for my novel…and the deadline is near.”

 

Seungkwan’s tears fall down and he started to sobbing in front of Hansol. Seungkwan is a crybaby, he always cries even for simple things. Seungkwan even wept over the film that Hansol thought was not sad. Hansol then took the small one into his arms and Seungkwan hide his face on Hansol's neck, crying and wetting his shirt.

 

“Aigoo, Seungkwan-ahh…it’s okay…sshhh shhh. I will help you.”

 

Seungkwan pushed Hansol softly and let go of Hansol's arms. His red nose made Hansol chuckle. "Have you eaten yet?" Seungkwan asked in a husky voice as he wiping his tears with Hansol’s cloth.

 

"I already eat."

 

"I haven’t eaten yet."

 

Hansol pinched his cheeks and then wiped his tears away with his thumb, "Okay, let's eat. What do you want to eat?"

 

“Jajjangmyeon.”

 

“Sounds good, let’s eat that.” Said Hansol

 

While waiting for the jajjangmyeon to arrive, Hansol and Seungkwan tidied up the rubbed clothes. Both of them dissolved in their respective thoughts, until finally Seungkwan opened the conversation.

 

"Chwe."

 

"Hmm?"

 

"What's your dream?" Asked Seungkwan. “Not being a programmer…but your dream. You know what I mean.”

 

Hansol stopped folding his clothes and looking at Seungkwan, right into his eyes. "I want to see you marry a good man." Answered Hansol.

 

"Can’t i just marry you?" Asked Seungkwan and Hansol shook his head. "Why?" Seungkwan added.

 

"Families should not get married, silly." Hansol replied, flicking Seungkwan's forehead.

 

Seungkwan sighs, "What kind of good man should I marry then?" Asked Seungkwan again.

 

"hmmm…who loves you for who you are, who can take care of you and healthy. He has to be healthy first, so he can protect you." And after Hansol said that, he knows he will lose every chance. Chance to feel Seungkwan’s kiss, chance to hold him, to touch him.

 

And he will lose his chance to tell him that he loves him.

 

“But…you also can protect me. You will protect me, Right?” asked Seungkwan and Hansol froze. Seungkwan look at hansol with his iridescent glass of vodka eyes. It seems like Seungkwan was searching for an answers that Hansol actually don’t know. “Chwe?” called Seungkwan.

 

“Yes, Boo. Of course...” he finally answered.

 

 

***

 

"I met a man last week." Said Seungkwan. Hansol who was showering in the bathroom just listening without saying anything. "He's a doctor, he’s Mingyu’s friend, a year older than us, he's tall and handsome."

 

"Good for you. What's his name?" he asked. He sound like he’s okay but actually he’s breaking inside.

 

"Lee Seokmin."

 

Hearing Seungkwan talking about men makes Hansol’s world cracking and breaking apart. He could hear his heart breaking into pieces. Though he saw it coming, it still hurts him.

 

“It’s love at the first sight. I like the way he talked and he can singing too. He’s funny too and he makes me laugh a lot yesterday. I like being around him.”

 

Hansol came out of the bathroom and saw that Seungkwan was well dressed. "Where are you going?" Asked Hansol

 

"Ah, I asked Seokmin to see fireworks." said Seungkwan while wearing his shoes.

 

Hansol puts his towel on the balcony, then takes his car keys at the table. "Let's go, I'll take you there."

 

"No, it's okay He's on his way, I'll just take the bus.” Said Seungkwan, he opened the door and looked at Hansol once again, “Don’t wait up for me, okay? Bye!” The door was closed and Hansol was left alone at home.

 

He sighed, put on his shirt and walked to the dining table which was full of food. He then sat down and started eating alone. And minutes after, Seungkwan’s handphone rang,

 

"He didn’t bring his handphone?"

 

Hansol pick Seungkwan's handphone which was left at the dining table and picked up the phone call. "Hello?"

 

"Hello? Can I talk to Seungkwan?"

 

"Sorry, but he's out right now." Answered Hansol.

 

"Ah ... Okay. This is Seokmin, my car tires were broke and it seems like i will be late to the city park. I'm afraid Seungkwan will wait long. Is there any other way for me to contact him?"

 

"I’ll catch up there and keep him company." Hansol heard a sigh of relief from Seokmin's mouth,

 

"Thank you, thank you so much. I will be there in 1 hour, please tell Seungkwan I’m so sorry." Hansol hung up, he bring thick jacket as the weather was cold outside and picked up his car keys.

 

 

***

 

When Hansol got to the city park, the first thing he saw was the crowds. He stuck his head to right and left trying to find Seungkwan. Hansol walk, and start to run with a thick coat in his hand. After nearly 10 minu