A/N: I literally don't remember when I started this. The Word doc says I created it in November 2018 but I'm pretty sure I started it before then.

This is pretty different from how I usually write as there is a detailed outline at the beginning, which is really not my style. I thought that since I plotted it out already that I would be able to write it out - but nope. I hope the point form at the beginning isn't too hard to get through.

• Jessica wakes up without any memories or idea who she is, in what she thinks is a hospital room but is actually a room in a house
• She is enthusiastically received by Taeyeon, who reveals herself to be her lover and tells her she was in a terrible car accident and had fallen comatose and nobody thought she would wake up again
• Taeyeon is normally quite cheerful and dorky, but sometimes falls into these sad moods when she just stares at Jessica like she doesn’t know if she’s real. Jessica assumes it’s because Taeyeon thought she died
• Jessica asks about her parents and why they haven’t been by to see her and Taeyeon sadly explains that her parents didn’t accept her coming out and they’ve cut off contact with her since she and Taeyeon started seeing each other
• Only one person has been by since: Taeyeon’s friend Yoona, who hasn’t met Jessica before and only knows her through Taeyeon’s mentions before. Jessica finds it strange that none of her friends have been to see her, even though she doesn’t remember them, and Taeyeon says that it’s because they moved after Jessica’s accident so Taeyeon could find a place to give her better care and their friends thought that Jessica wouldn’t get better and Taeyeon had a fight with them
• Jessica receives flashes of her life in her dreams: Taeyeon features prominently in them, appearing as she usually does, along with a younger girl, Soojung, who she thinks is her sister. When she asks Taeyeon about Soojung, Taeyeon says that she’s going to university overseas and thus is hard to contact. Jessica accepts that initially but finds it suspicious that Soojung never once tries to contact her and she can’t find her information anymore to contact Soojung herself
• When Jessica presses about the car accident, about the hospital she was in and her injuries (she doesn’t have any scars, surgical or traumatic), Taeyeon becomes evasive and tongue-tied. Jessica has suspicions about the so-called car accident
• She starts to suspect that Taeyeon has her trapped in an abusive relationship, or that Taeyeon isn’t her lover at all and has somehow kidnapped or brainwashed her into forgetting her memories so they can be together. She snoops through Taeyeon’s things when Taeyeon isn’t home one day, and finds nothing incriminating. She finds Polaroids of Taeyeon and her together, and the back is signed “JSY”
• Jessica is shopping by herself when she sees a woman who stares at her like she’s seen a ghost. When Jessica steps closer to her, she introduces herself as Tiffany and says apologetically that she mistook Jessica for someone else.

“I’m sorry,” the woman apologizes. “It’s just that. You look a lot like a friend of mine. Practically exactly like her.”

“Oh,” Jessica says. She doesn’t quite know how to react to that.

“It’s uncanny,” she says, not looking at Jessica anymore but almost looking through her. “If I didn’t know better, I would think she had a twin sister.”

“Hey, you never know,” Jessica says with an awkward chuckle. “That’d be like a movie.”

“It sure would be,” she says, very much looking at Jessica now, or rather staring at her. Her stare is so intense that Jessica turns her head away, uncomfortable at her scrutiny. “I’m sorry. It’s just that—you look so much like her.”

“You should tell her about this. Who knows, maybe we’re long-lost twins separated at birth. We could make the news as one of those stories.” Jessica is babbling now, partly because it’s a nervous habit and partly to diffuse the tension she can feel as the woman continues to stare at her like—well, like she’s seen a ghost.

“I wish I could.” And suddenly a terrible sorrow comes over her expression. “My friend… She was in a car accident.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Jessica feels at a complete loss for words. What are you supposed to say in such a situation? “Was it, um, a long time ago?”

“It’s been a little over a year.” The woman’s bottom lip trembles, and Jessica has a strange urge to reach for her, to comfort her. That’s not how she would typically react to a stranger in emotional distress, but there’s something about this woman… Jessica doesn’t recognize her, doesn’t know her, but she has a feeling almost like she met her in a previous life.

“I’m sorry,” Jessica repeats lamely.

“It’s all right,” she says, even though it clearly isn’t. “I’m Tiffany, by the way.”

“Jessica.” It’s an absurd question, but Jessica finds herself asking, “That’s not your friend’s name, is it?”

Tiffany makes a startled sound, like a laugh but not quite. “No, it isn’t. But the funny thing is…” She trails off, like she doesn’t know whether she should continue, but does at Jessica’s expectant expression. “She always liked the name Jessica. She said that if she were to have an English name, that would be it.”

“What is her name then?” Jessica asks, feeling like she’s stepping beyond some kind of boundary but unable to help it. She feels like she needs to know this mysterious woman’s name, like that would add a vital piece to a puzzle she’s been trying to put together. Also, there’s some part of her that feels more comfortable around Tiffany than she should around a stranger she just met. She feels, for no reason at all, like she can trust Tiffany.

Tiffany holds her gaze as she answers. “Sooyeon.”

“Taeyeon. Who’s Sooyeon?”

Taeyeon’s whole body locks up. Something flashes across her expression, something that Jessica can’t quite read.

“I didn’t lie to you about the car accident, or your parents, or your friends. I didn’t lie about any of that.”

“Then what did you lie about?” Jessica asks, because Taeyeon’s expression is not one of a truthful person.

“What happened after the accident.” Taeyeon stops there, swallows, clenches her hands in her lap. She looks so—dejected that Jessica doesn’t want to press her further, almost tells her that she doesn’t have to say anymore, but. She has to know. She deserves to know.

“What happened after the accident?” Jessica coaxes, her voice soft but her eyes sharp.

“You – it was a terrible accident. They did their best, but they couldn’t save you.” Taeyeon bites her lip. “Or I should say, they couldn’t save Jung Sooyeon.”

Jessica’s brow furrows.

“Everything I said up to the coma was true. Sooyeon fell into a coma and she eventually… She never came out of it.”

Jessica is really getting a migraine now. “Why are you talking about me in third person? I think I’m clearly not in a coma.”

Taeyeon finally looks at her then. Her eyes are heavy with a terrible weight, one that Jessica suddenly feels like she doesn’t want to face. “They told me that there’s less than 0.01% chance of her ever waking up, and even if she does they don’t know what…what kind of state she’ll be in. They advised me constantly to pull the plug, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t be the one to kill her.”

“Is she…?”

“She’s in a private hospital now. She’ll probably spend the rest of her life there.” Taeyeon’s jaw clenches. “I know it’s not the kind of life she would have wanted, but I can’t be the one to pull the plug. I can’t.”

“Okay.” Jessica pauses. “Jung Sooyeon was in a car accident. Jung Sooyeon was rendered comatose. Jung Sooyeon is still in that coma.”

“Yes.”

“Then…” She feels stupid saying this, but it looks like she actually has to spell it out. “What does she have to do with me? Who am I?”

“I…” Taeyeon clears . “I couldn’t just let her go like that. I-I love her too much.” She looks as uncomfortable saying this as Jessica feels hearing it. “And nothing I figured out could make her wake up. So I tried the next best thing.”

Jessica finds herself holding her breath. She’s so close to the truth. What’s the next best thing? Did Taeyeon try to brainwash her into thinking that she’s Jung Sooyeon? Was Jung Sooyeon really her twin sister somehow? Was she subjected to extreme cosmetic surgery? What’s the truth? And does she really want to know it?

“They thought I was crazy,” Taeyeon suddenly says. “Everyone. All of our closest friends. That’s why they cut off contact with us.”

“Like Tiffany?” Jessica asks carefully.

Taeyeon’s head whips toward her. “How do you know Tiffany?”

“I ran into her at Starbucks. Literally. She stared at me like she saw a ghost.” Jessica hesitates. “But she didn’t say…”

Taeyeon closes her eyes, her head dropping slightly like it was too heavy for her neck. “Tiffany was my best friend. Yours too. She supported me at the beginning, because she wanted you back just as badly as I did. Well, almost.”

“You’re saying ‘you’ again,” Jessica says slowly. “What happened to saying Jung Sooyeon?”

“I guess I’ve gotten too used to thinking of you two as the same person,” Taeyeon murmurs. “That was the point, after all.”

A shiver tingles across the back of Jessica’s spine, like a spider had crawled over her neck, leaving her wanting to shake something off. However, she doesn’t think this is something she can physically get rid of.

“The point of what?”

Taeyeon swallows again, her eyes squeezed shut, her lips bitten, like she’s fighting to keep something out. Is it the truth, Jessica wonders, or is it something worse? And despite everything that Taeyeon has hidden from her, despite everything that Taeyeon has done (and she doesn’t even know the extent of it), she still finds herself wanting to comfort her. She wants so badly to take Taeyeon’s hand, to coax the tension out of her fingers, to kiss away the crease in her brow, to ease the distress in her face. She still wants to be there for Taeyeon; she still wants to be with Taeyeon.

And that frightens her. She’s sunk so deep; she’s gone past the point of return. She loves Taeyeon so much.

“The point of creating a clone,” Taeyeon finally whispers, and for a second Jessica can’t process her words, especially the last one.

Then it slams into her, like she had been physically struck with something blunt and heavy, catching her right between the ribs. It knocks the breath out of her, and she can’t see anything for a moment, can’t hear anything. Then sensation returns in a rush: the feeling of the cold tile below her legs, as she realizes she collapsed; the sight of Taeyeon’s face, dreadfully pale and her eyes frightfully wide, almost all pupil; the sound of Taeyeon’s voice, calling for her, not Sooyeon, but her.

“—sica? Jessica? Are you okay? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” A choked sob. “Don’t do this to me. Not again.”

“I’m okay,” Jessica says, feeling like she’s surfacing from a daze. “It’s okay.”

Taeyeon stares at her, eyes running over every inch of her face like she can’t trust that she’s really there, like she has to ground her to the earth through the anchor of her gaze. It’s far from the first time that Taeyeon’s looked at her like this, but it’s the first time she realizes why. When Taeyeon looks at her like she’s seeing a ghost – or when Tiffany did – it’s because, in a way, she is. She’s seeing the ghost of Jung Sooyeon in Jessica.

In all the possibilities she’s considered, that Taeyeon is some kind of deranged ex-lover, that Sooyeon really is her twin sister, she’s never considered this one. That she’s a…a clone. Is that even possible, to clone a person? A human being? What does that make her then? Is she not a human being? Is she just a science experiment, a lab specimen…a replacement, created in the exact image of a girl who is barely still living.

“Sica, don’t cry.” She realizes that Taeyeon is still talking. “Please don’t cry. This is all my fault. You should blame me, hate me, take it out on me – just don’t cry.”

She brings a hand to her eyes and finds them wet, leaving two damp trails down her cheekbones. Tears. She’s crying. For a moment, she had questioned whether she could even cry. It just seems so…human.

“Don’t say it like that,” Taeyeon whispers, looking aghast. “Like you’re not human. You are. You’re every bit as human as I am.”

“That is so reassuring,” Jessica snaps, and Taeyeon flinches, looking like Jessica struck her. “You said that all your friends – our friends – thought you were crazy, huh? Crazy enough to cut off all contact with you. Did you think that maybe they were right? Don’t you think that cloning someone is, oh I don’t know, just a little bit insane?”

What little colour is left in Taeyeon’s face drains out of it. “Of course I thought so,” she says quietly. “I know that it’s a crazy idea. That I wasn’t in my right mind, that maybe I’m still not. Maybe I’m not capable of being in my right mind anymore. But it doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter?” Jessica repeats, her voice shooting up like her emotions are at a high when it’s the opposite: she feels hollow, three words bouncing around her empty insides, reverberating off her bones: a crazy idea a crazy idea acrazyidea. That’s all that she is, after all. A crazy idea, one from a mad scientist with sad eyes and hollow cheeks.

“It doesn’t matter, because I would do anything to have you back again.” A feverish fire fills Taeyeon’s eyes, and if Jessica were capable of fearing her, she would. This is truly the expression of a mad scientist, one who had lost everything and as a result is no longer afraid of anything. “And I do, so I don’t regret it. Everything else that I lost – I consider it a worthwhile price to have you back.”

“You don’t have me back,” Jessica forces out through numb lips. “You don’t have her back, Jung Sooyeon. She’s gone, Taeyeon, okay? I’m not her! I’m—whatever I am, whoever I am, I’m not Jung Sooyeon. I’m not.”

Her voice, miraculously, holds throughout all this, and only dies once the last “not” leaves her lips. She thinks she’s crying again; she isn’t sure, she feels remarkably blank right now, as if all the emotions that she’s been put through in the past few minutes have completely drained her. Maybe her brain isn’t wired like a regular human being’s; maybe they would be able to handle more than this, or maybe this is how anyone would feel if they found out they were a clone their lover made because she couldn’t handle losing her girlfriend. Somehow, Jessica doesn’t think it’s an ordinary occurrence. She probably can’t ask this kind of question on Reddit.

Taeyeon’s reply somehow filters through the daze once again surrounding her mind. It’s not surprising; she doubts any walls she builds can keep out Taeyeon.

“I know you’re not.”

Jessica slowly raises her head. “What?”

“I know you’re not Sooyeon. It’s just—I can’t help but say ‘you’ when I mean ‘her’ sometimes, but. I know you’re not her. You’re your own person. Just because you’re…connected to her doesn’t mean you are her.”

Connected to her? Taeyeon makes it sound like they’re second cousins once removed or something.

“Then I guess you failed,” Jessica says dully. “Because you wanted to have her back, and you just got me. A second-rate replacement. Maybe you should ask for a refund.”

Taeyeon’s frown looks like it’s carved into her forehead. “You’re not a second-rate replacement. You’re not a second-rate anything. Yes, you’re not exactly like Sooyeon, but I didn’t expect you to be anyway. It never worked out well when I tried to retain too much of her.”

“What do you mean?”

Taeyeon hesitates. “I don’t think you’d want to know this.”

“Don’t tell me what I want to or don’t want to know, Taeyeon. Just tell me the truth.” Even as she says it, she wonders if she’ll regret it. She had thought for so long that she wanted to know the truth, the truth about her life, her identity, her relationship with Taeyeon. And now she knows it, and she wishes that she could unknow it. Or does she? She isn’t sure; she isn’t sure what she wants, how she feels, who she is. The only thing that she feels sure about is that, despite all this, she still loves Taeyeon. And how sick is that?

“Okay.” Taeyeon takes a breath. “You deserve to know. Well, the thing is… You’re not my first…attempt. At bringing Sooyeon back.”

“Of course not,” Jessica murmurs. She should have known better. What are the chances that Taeyeon succeeded on her first try? “Which attempt am I? Sooyeon 5.0? 8.0? Or do you use Roman numerals? Sooyeon XII?”

Taeyeon winces. “Sica, please,” she croaks, and despite everything, that still makes Jessica soften. “I know I made my choices and have to answer to them and everything, but when you put it like that…”

“Sorry,” Jessica says waspishly. “I didn’t mean to upset you. This must be so hard for you. I can’t imagine how you must feel.”

Taeyeon, surprisingly, smiles. Jessica wonders if she’s truly lost her mind. “I love it when you’re like this, you know.”

“Let me guess – I have Sooyeon’s sense of humour to a tee? I’m just as charming and witty as she was?”

“No,” Taeyeon says, and Jessica falters. “She wasn’t as…blunt as you are, actually. She was really sarcastic too, but she didn’t express it as often. She had more of a hidden snark.”

Jessica collects herself. “And my snark is more open? Wow, I guess you like being attacked by sarcasm. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“It’s not that,” Taeyeon says, somehow keeping her patience. “Even when you make fun of me, I can tell that you’re not…attacking me? If that makes sense. You do it—fondly. I don’t know. I like that. Not because Sooyeon did it, but because you do it.”

Jessica swallows. Whatever she expected from Taeyeon, this wasn’t it. She doesn’t know what hits her harder: when Taeyeon says that Jessica reminds her of Sooyeon or that Jessica is her own person. The latter should make her happy to hear, but she can’t help but feel like to believe it would be an easy way out, would let her delude herself that Taeyeon really lo—likes her because of her and not because of who she was created to replace. She can’t let herself believe that, because if she does she’ll never find her way out. If she does, she would be as crazy as Taeyeon.

“Sica?” Taeyeon asks hesitantly. It’s ridiculous, but just hearing her say that, the little nickname she had coined herself, makes her heart beat faster. It feels like one of the only things, maybe the only thing, that truly belongs to her, that has never been touched by Jung Sooyeon’s memory. “Do you want me to continue?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, so in terms of actually keeping count… I tried eight times before you.”

“Eight times.” That makes her the ninth attempt. “You failed eight times, and you didn’t give up?”

Taeyeon gives a sad little smile. “I don’t give up easily. If I did, I wouldn’t even have tried the first time.”

“Maybe that would have been for the best,” Jessica says, watching as Taeyeon’s eyes flicker. Not with anger, or even doubt, but that deep sorrow again.

“Maybe it would have,” Taeyeon agrees, surprising Jessica into silence. “It certainly would have been the saner option. And probably the ethical option. But…we wouldn’t be here if I didn’t try.”

You wouldn’t be here, Jessica hears, and she knows it to be the literal truth. She wouldn’t be here. Here, as in standing here. Here, as in with Taeyeon. Here, as in existing. She would be…not dead, because she would never even have lived to begin with, but just a crazy idea that had remained that, an idea. A thought that had never come to fruition.

Maybe that would have been better. She would never have known the loss of something that was never hers to begin with; she would never have found out the twisted beginning of her pale imitation of life. She would never have made Tiffany stare into the face of a spectre she was ready to leave behind. She would never have known Taeyeon.

And as for Taeyeon… Where would Taeyeon be? Would she have found a new lover, someone who could make her throw her head back in laughter, who could bring out that elusive dimple in her chin? Someone normal? Would she have succumbed to her grief, found there was no point in living to continue? Or would her mind have broken under the strain, and she would have found herself living in that same ‘private hospital’ as Jessica, just as lost to the world in a different way?

Jessica finds that she doesn’t like any of those possibilities for Taeyeon, not even the first one. No matter what, she wants it to be her who’s next to Taeyeon. She wants to chase away that look of terrible sadness in her eyes, to change her expression from that of a tragedy to a comedy. She wants to hear her lame puns and make snide remarks in return that bring both a pout to her lips and a sparkle in her eyes. She wants to sleep in Taeyeon’s arms and hear her heartbeat against her ear like the most soothing of lullabies. She wants Taeyeon. Even knowing all that she does, she still wants Taeyeon. She still loves Taeyeon.

“Sica?” Taeyeon asks tentatively. “What are you thinking?”

“I need to know something,” Jessica says. “I want you to tell me the truth, and not what you think I want or need to hear. Just tell me the truth. Promise me.”

“Okay,” Taeyeon says slowly. “I promise. What do you want to know?”

Jessica in a breath. “Do you love me? I know you love her or you wouldn’t have done any of this. But I need to know if you love me.”

Taeyeon’s eyebrows draw together, and her lips pinch into a taut line. It’s far from a reassuring expression. Jessica can tell her mind is whirring away, analyzing the question, creating a cost-benefit analysis of each possible answer, evaluating the repercussions. And what a mind Taeyeon must have, to have succeeded in doing something science has been dreaming of for decades.

“Taeyeon—” Jessica starts, unable to bear the silence any longer.

“Jessica,” Taeyeon says, her expression clearing not into a blank slate but rather an open, vulnerable one. Like she’s finally taking down her walls and laying herself bare. “Yes,” she says simply. No pomp, no fanfare, just sincerity. “I love you.”

Jessica nods, more of a mechanized movement than a genuine reaction. She doesn’t know what her face looks like right now, what her eyes are giving away, and she can’t expend enough energy to care.

“Can I ask you something too?” Taeyeon asks. “I understand if you don’t want to answer, but if you do I’d appreciate the truth.”

“Sure,” Jessica says. “A favour for a favour, right?”

Taeyeon grimaces. “That’s not how I meant it, but sure.” She swallows. “Do you love me? Even after finding out everything I did, how I broke rules that probably aren’t even rules because anyone should know to follow them, how I’m probably at least half crazy, how I hid so much from you and lied to you…and this doesn’t even take into account how I am as a person aside from all this, how I talk in my sleep and can’t cook to save my life and…”

“Taeyeon,” Jessica says. “Shut up. You’re going to ramble on until I forget what I was going to say.”

Taeyeon closes meekly. “Sorry.”

“I hope you don’t have to apply to any jobs anytime soon because you at painting a good picture of yourself.”

“What can I say? I’ve always preferred sketching over painting.”

Jessica almost smiles. Almost. “Also, you’re definitely more than half crazy. You’re kidding yourself if you think otherwise.”

Taeyeon doesn’t even reply to the jibe, instead staring at Jessica with that look in her eyes again. It’s not as disbelieving this time, or as desperate, but it’s still desolate and that cuts into Jessica. Taeyeon always looks at her like she’s scared of losing her, and Jessica always thought that fear was ridiculous and unfounded, except now she knows that it’s far from it. She wants to reassure Taeyeon that she isn’t going anywhere, but she can’t make that promise. Not when she doesn’t even know herself what she’s going to do. But she does know one thing and it’s that…

“But even so, I still love you. That doesn’t paint a good picture of my sanity either but…” Jessica shrugs. “Apparently love is supposed to make you crazy. I don’t think people meant it as literally as in our case but—”

Taeyeon silences her with a kiss.

A/N: The ? in ? AU is supposed to avoid giving away the twist haha. I'm pretty sure this was partially inspired by think twice, then again. With this and In No Time At All, it must seem like I think Taeyeon can turn into a psycho react very extremely if she loses Jessica.

I have no idea how I wanted to end this, or if I had a plan for that. I'm not a fan of open endings but I'm pretty sure I would leave this as one. With their situation, they can't really have a classic happy ending but I'm also way too much of a sappy romantic to give them a sad ending.