inside out.

Jihoon hopped on Nari's bed Friday morning, and bothered her even when she was coughing violently under the sheets.

She shivered, hot and cold and indecisive. She knew she had to work in the afternoon, but her nose was stuffy, her body was temperature whacked, and her eyes were unable to open. Her neck was so painfully stiff that she didn't dare twist it.

"Jihoon," she groggily murmured, "go get Alice."

"I want noodles," replied Jihoon, rolling off of her, but still on the bed.

Despite everything, Nari couldn't help smiling a little. Jihoon was still precious to her. She just wished that she could've been a better mother for him, or that he had a different mother who could care for him better.

She popped her red head out, her face matching her hair in color. "Call Alice first, and I'll see what I can do about breakfast."

Jihoon caught sight of her steaming face and obeyed, but Nari soon found herself regretting it.

"I cannot care for you, my daughter," Alice cried, astoundingly dramatic that morning. Hands on her forehead and hips jutted out on the side in theatrics, she patted the air for Jihoon.

Nari's mood soured instantaneously. "Alice, please," she begged.

"What is an old, blind widow to do? You are so self-sufficient and usually care for yourself when you're sick." Alice felt for Nari's bed, and sat beside her feet. "Or perhaps you want someone to care for you, now that you have more friends?"

"No."

Alice stood and had a little skip to her strides, searching for the telephone.

"I said no," Nari sighed, "not ne— English, you son of a—"

Nari glared at the ceiling.

Alice came back with the phone. "So, Seokjinnie or Jiminie?" she asked slowly. Critically. Teasingly.

Nari groaned, face burnt, as she covered her face with her hands. "Alice."

"How are you feeling?"

Nari paused, pursing her lips. "Like I'm housing lava," she muttered through clenched teeth.

"Seokjinnie's number please."

"Alice, no, please— he's working right now—"

"Then the more we should call him to tell him you're not well and cannot go to work," Alice dismissed, eyes open at the source of Nari's voice.

At this, Nari dropped her head in her pillow and relented.

She didn't know why the conversation between them lasted two minutes (maybe three minutes), but then Jimin's name was thrown around three times and she knew she was done for.

The call ended, and Alice was grinning. Her youthful personality was cheekier than Nari could ever imagine herself being.

"Jiminie's coming."

Nari's jaw twitched. Alice couldn't take it anymore.

"He knows about us!" she burst out, feeling for Nari's hands. They were tucked inside her blanket along with the rest of her body. Alice then felt her forehead, scorching to the touch, and her head. "He knows about you."

Nari didn't move. "What do you mean..."

"I told him about our situation," she whispered to her, "because I knew I could trust him."

Her hormones declared war at that moment.

Nari shrieked. 

"Nari, may I please explain—"

"You don't just tell strangers personal things like that," she cried, feeling her blood boiling under her skin. "Especially without letting me know first— why?"

"I know it was wrong of me," Alice admitted, hanging her head, "but I heard his voice. It was a Seoul accent."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I had him comfortable enough to speak in his Busan accent, where he's from."

"I don't always understand what you say, Alice," she said, voice fleeting, as her mind sidetracked for a moment to wonder why Jimin was in Daegu speaking in a standard accent.

Alice laid a hand on her shoulder, trying to explain, "His voice, Nari. He was comfortable with me and what I had to say, and the way he cared for Jihoon and I— Jiminie broke his accent. I know that is a sign of trust. He was also very respectful and understanding about you, dear, I was ever so very impressed with him."

Nari inwardly protested, dry. It didn't make sense to her. It was better if she dealt with that when she was feeling better.

---

Jin blinked for a moment at who called him right after Alice's call, but he picked it up nonetheless. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's Jungkook," said the other line. Informally. Jin cocked a brow.

"I am your hyung," he chided.

There were a pause from the receiver, and then an apology. "Ah, I didn't mean to call you, Jin-hyung. Well, I might as well ask how you're doing right now."

Jin scoffed, half at his accidental spill of excess salt on the breakfast he was cooking and half at Jungkook. "Might as well ask, right?"

"Sorry. Are you busy hyung?"

"I might be," he replied, trying to delicately scrape off the salt on top with a spatula. "Later today at my shift. Nari-ah's sick."

"Wh— hold on," Jungkook sputtered, "Nari works with you?"

"Yeah, that's how we know each other... did I not tell you?"

"No," was his quick answer. "But is she okay? Can I see her?"

Now Jin was quick to speak, "Don't you have work?"

"I'm free today, and so is V-hyung. I might bring him with me because he won't stop bothering me about cutting his time short with her last time..."

Jin gave this news some thought and let out a strained noise at the of his genius.

"Hyung?"

"I'll send you her address. Nari-ah lives in the countryside, so call me if you need exact directions once you're close."

---

Jimin and Hoseok were jogging that morning, and now they changed courses.

Hoseok was excited to know that Jimin had a lady-friend, since he only had lady-admirers for so long. He even questioned if Jimin was even interested in girls like that once or twice since meeting him.

"I think it's this way," Jimin huffed, jogging in the streets past Beauti-Floral. Hoseok glanced at the shop behind, thought of something, and moved on.

Jimin suddenly stopped, making Hoseok bump into him. "Oh, wait," the younger one said, scanning around. "We went this way last time, right?"

"What do you mean 'last time'?" asked the hyung, but he didn't get an answer.

He checked his phone for the address again, when Hoseok gasped, "Did you take us the wrong way? Jimin—"

"Nope!" he shouted, sprinting off. "Hobi-hyung, this way!"

Hearing his high-pitched voice made Hoseok let out a playful click of his tongue, and he caught up to him.

In about fifteen to twenty minutes, they reached Nari's house, sweating and panting. At the knock, they were surprised at how fast Alice answered the door. As if she was standing right in front of the door when they knocked.

"Alice!" Jimin exclaimed.

"Jiminie, oh Park Jiminie," Alice sighed in bliss, grabbing Hobi's sweaty head and retracting in surprise. "Why are you wet? Did it rain?"

"No, Alice," Jimin cutely corrected, tapping her shoulder, "I'm Jimin. You just touched my friend, Hobi-hyung."

"Oh, so you brought a friend?" Alice's eyes opened, and she smiled widely. Hoseok grinned back, but was a bit confused.

"I'm Jung Hoseok," he greeted out of good manners, bowing towards her. She bowed back, but not quite aligning towards him.

Seeing his confusion, Jimin leaned over and whispered, "She's blind."

Hoseok's eyes faded slightly.

The two stepped inside, took off their shoes, and was offered cold, damp towelettes to cool off. "Would you two like some tea?" Alice asked, but Hoseok imagined her accidentally spilling hot liquid on her while pouring tea into ceramic little cups, and politely declined.

Glancing at his surroundings, Hoseok was slightly amazed. The exterior of the house reminded him of those Japanese bathhouses but much larger and elongated. Plants were everywhere, like stepping into an indoor garden, with wooden floors and bookshelves lining the walls of the living room. Light streamed through open windows, brightening up the house and making it smell like fresh spring.

The slight dust in the air made things seem almost mystical, like it really was spring in Korea.

Jimin was taking off his shoes, making Hoseok follow his action. "Wow," the hyung let out, whistling, "can I live here?"

Jimin laughed. "I thought the same thing. It's so peaceful here, right?"

"Where's your lady-friend?"

"She has a name, you know," he pouted slightly. "It's Lee Nari."

"Is she your future girlfriend?"

Jimin did a double take, shaking his head furiously. "No! Hyung! If anything, she might be Jin-hyung's future girlfriend."

"Huh. Why Jin-hyung?" he decided to ask, unable to hide his curious grin.

"We met through him, and they're coworkers, so..."

If only they knew about Taehyung.

Alice came back, and both of them realized that they didn't notice she slipped out at some point.

"Alice-nim," Jimin voiced out, arms outstretched to hold her shoulders, "we're here for the sick patient. Could you show us to her room?"

Alice left agape, and then smiled understandably. "Right this way, Dr. Park," she played along, feeling with her stick around to the hall. Hoseok stood up and tagged along behind them.

While in the hall, Hoseok took some time to admire the pictures on the walls. There was a side table with a plant and a mirror hanging above it, showing his cooled reflection.

On the pictures, he found no baby pictures of a girl. Instead, they were of a baby boy. The only girl pictures he found were of Alice many years ago and of Nari in her adolescent years.

He was taken aback. Her ginger hair, those eyes and her face—

Hoseok gasped like he was choking. It was an extra response from him.

"Hobi-hyung?" Jimin released his hold on Alice and smacked his hyung's back. He earned a pained whine in response.

"Jimin-ah," Hoseok coughed, kicking Jimin's . Before the younger boy could react, he pointed at Nari's most recent picture, "That girl!"

"Huh? Nari-ah? What about—"

"I met her before!"

Jimin choked.

---

Hearing that ruckus and those words, Nari rolled off her bed, knocked herself on the floor, and tried her hardest to crawl to the bathroom. "Why the hell do I hear another guy's voice?" she complained to herself, wanting to cry.

Jihoon stared at her form, walking over to pat her head. Nari made a face of confusion, perplexed at Jihoon's rare actions.

First off, he talked a lot that day— or at least, more than usual. She wasn't used to it.

Second, he was interacting with her, and not the other way around. He was the one reaching out.

"You're such a weird boy," Nari sighed. Then she wore her mother-commander voice. "Now stay."

Jihoon didn't listen and followed her to the bathroom. "What mommy doing?" Jihoon babbled out, making Nari lift her finger to her lips. She felt the heat in her breath and it made her nauseous.

"Hush Jihoon," she whispered, "we're trying to hide."

"Hide?" he echoed. He then practically waddled towards the locked door, unlocked it, and turned around. Nari dragged her fingers down her face, feeling dizzy.

Jihoon slowly went out of the room and ran out, bobbing his little body over to the guests right at his mother's bedroom door.

When Jimin spotted Jihoon staring up at him, he broke out in an irresistible grin and lifted Jihoon up in his arms. "You know," he started, "I have a friend who'd love to meet you. He's so good with children, and loves them so much."

Hoseok parted his lips in awe at little Jihoon, with his non-Asian eyes and his dark, dark hair that contrasted with his milky-white skin. He was a beautiful baby, and that momentarily distracted him from the thought of this "Nari."

This is the baby in the pictures?

"Nari-ah!" Jimin called out, dropping the child gently on the floor. He stepped past the doorway. "We're coming in— ah? Where is she?"

Alice frowned, feeling around the room and heading towards the bed. The sheets were messed up.

Nari's hands were glued to , as she tried to be silent.

Jihoon, knowing where she was, made a beeline to the bathroom. Nari's eyes were wide, her body lying its back on the wall to the side, as she attempted to hide behind the side of the sink.

"Jihoonie, where are you—" Jimin started, opening the bathroom door wider, when he noticed Nari's feet. She tucked them in.

I'm not ready, she thought, I'm not ready I'mnotready.

Her head was splitting in two, and she pressed at her temples to calm herself. The anxiety of men in her house again paralyzed her. Nari had no idea how she managed to be considered barely normal around Jin, Jungkook, Taehyung, and Jimin for the past week, because she certainly couldn't achieve that same state now from the weakness of her dizzy head.

Hoseok poked his head in the bathroom as well, which totally helped. Jihoon was already making big steps towards his mother, standing in front of her and patting her knees. They hid her burning face.

"Nari-ah, are you okay?" asked Jimin in worry. He inched closer slowly, cautiously, knowing she was afraid. He figured out by now that it was men, and suspected something he was afraid was possibly true.

Seeing Jihoon did not help this suspicion.

"Is she crying?" Alice questioned, sighing. "Nari, please don't be like this. They're here to care for you."

"I'm not being like anything," Nari muttered, her voice so shaky that Jimin could barely understand, and he was right in front of her now.

He bent down, hesitating, and stopped overthinking for a minute. He placed a hand on her arm. "Nari-ah—"

"Please leave. I can take care of myself."

Her voice was clearer, but still laced in a bundle of nerves. Jimin felt her trembling under his touch. He backed up, thinking deeply.

Hoseok tapped at Alice's shoulder and told her that he'd step forward. Jimin was about to protest when Hoseok gave him a look.

Standing behind him now, the hyung parted his lips. She was definitely the one who dropped her phone that day, when he bumped into her while on a jog. He didn't believe in coincidences.

"Hey, I remember you," he said, crouching down too. "I'm Hobi, your hope... remember me?"

What?

Slowly, she lifted her head from her arms that hugged her knees. She peered at his smile, patient and non-threatening, but she only saw evil in it. She didn't even know why. Men almost always had this look on their faces that she couldn't explain.

"Your name isn't Hobi, is it?"

He laughed good-naturedly, "It's Jung Hoseok."

Jimin kept switching his attention between the two. Alice smiled so wide to herself. It was a pleasant turn of events.

"Are you nervous because I'm a stranger?" Hoseok asked. He patted her arm and she flinched. Jimin wanted to smack his hyung.

Hoseok pulled back, astonished. "I-I'm sorry," he heard her try to say to him, but it came out too jittery.

"Hold on... are you scared of me?"

"Hobi-hyung," Jimin grumbled, tugging at his arm, "give her some space. She's sick and afraid of men."

"She's afraid of men? How do you know that? She's only like this when she's sick, right?" His gaze was on her, and he was trying to think of ways to make her open up. But this was too surprising for him, so much that he awkwardly stood there and twiddled his thumbs.

And Nari was feverishly burning inside out.

---

Everyone seemed to ignore Jihoon, as he slipped past them and Alice, walking out of the bathroom and Nari's bedroom completely. As he wandered around in the hallway, he heard a knock on the door.

Moving over, he couldn't reach the front door handle. He looked through the side glass wall, and saw a familiar blonde-haired young man.

Taehyung noticed him and smiled, tapping playfully at the glass. Jungkook was blinking in confusion behind him. "Hyung? What are you doing?" he asked.

"It's Nari-ah's so— super cute nephew," he replied, tilting his head left and right and laughing lightly at Jihoon. Then he was surprised (and worried).

Jihoon began climbing up on the potted plant beside him, reaching for the door handle. It was unlocked, as Alice forgot to lock it, and the door swung open.

It knocked off Jihoon's balance, however, and he squealed in fright. Taehyung caught him in time, and the child was unhurt.

Nari's head bolted up, and she felt tingles trouble her body. She weakly stood up all of a sudden, and Jimin and Hoseok instinctively held her arms for balance. She shook their hold away, shuddering at their touch, as she stumbled out of the room and faintly calling out Jihoon's name. 

Her shoulder brushed Alice, and Alice breathed in slowly.

They called her name behind her, but she ignored them.

For some reason, thoughts of Jihoon were fading from her mind. It was the thought of being a helpless mother that replaced it, which Nari believed was worse. She was falling into her self-pity habits again, and wanted to smack her head to make it right, even if it lasted for just one day.

In an old tank top and wispy cardigan, with elephant pajama pants adorning her waist down, she halted at the sight of Kim Taehyung again.

She didn't even realize she actually passed out.

In a matter of seconds after waking up, Nari came to the conclusion that the previous events were all a dream sequence, and that four boys coming to her house while she could care for herself just fine was another helpless girl's fantasy. She did not want to entertain that dream any further, and thus, she woke up in bed with a cool towel on her head from either Alice or her delirious self.

And Kim Taehyung reading a book on her desk, fascinated by her blackout poetry.

And Jihoon dozing off on Taehyung's lap, with the latter his head.

Yes. I'm hallucinating.

Nari sat up, dazed. Taehyung lifted his eyes and blinked, standing up with Jihoon in his arms. "Nari-ah," he spoke, but Nari's hand flung up to stop him from speaking further.

her hair and letting the towel fall onto her lap, she finally let out a frustrated tear. Her head was throbbing from moving too quickly, and it rendered her mute.

Taehyung, alarmed, walked a little faster over. "Nari-ah, you okay?"

Nari wiped her tears quickly, examining her surroundings. She was on her bed, in her room, with no one but Taehyung and her son. The flowers on her bedside table were new and replaced with violet chrysanthemums, probably by Jin, as they symbolized his get well wishes. He must've swung by, which meant that she slept for hours on end.

On the clock, it read 5:24. Taehyung had been around for at least five hours.

"W-Where's..." She couldn't even finish her sentence. The crack in her voice prevented her from completing her thought, as another thought filled her head.

Why am I crying?

"Ah," Taehyung let out, realizing that her fear and fever must've made her faint earlier. "Your mother explained your fear of men to us a little bit. Jungkookie was the most shocked about it, and was worried about you."

"Oh, God. That's what I was afraid of," she muttered, feeling pathetic and limp but shaky at the same time. "I didn't really explain it him the way I wanted to, but I guess I waited too long."

He wanted to comfort her, but actions only made her distance herself further. It was frustrating. She was frustrating.

Taehyung was not particularly suave with words, his mind was as messy as hers, and they both just remained quiet for an awkward moment.

"You know Jimin-ssi?" she asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

Taehyung looked at her, parting his lips. He nodded, twiddling his fingers. "We went to the same high school. I don't remember the details of our interactions. But then we met again through Jin-hyung, and again through Suga-hyung."

Suga? Who is that...

"Though Hobi-hyung, well— I met him before, but we're just acquaintances I think," he continued to speak, to the point of babbling. "But he's really kind and friendly. We met at his dance studio where he offered to teach me some dancing techniques, and we met again at a photoshoot with Suga-hyung again... wait, what did I want to say?"

Nari unknowingly smiled.

Taehyung shut his mouth at the sight, and tightly. It wasn't like him to do that, but he felt that if he let his jaw drop like usual, he would drop Jihoon too.

Jihoon rubbed his eye, arms out to Nari. Nari blinked out of her trance, and she took him to rest on her lap.

Taehyung shook his head rapidly, earning a puzzled look from Nari, but he smiled it off. "The three of them left by the way," he informed her. "I offered to watch you so you wouldn't feel too uncomfortable. After all..."

Nari froze. Taehyung leaned forward and patted Jihoon's head. His eyes were on her son, but it trailed up to her.

"I met you first, right?"

She shut her eyes before her mind could blank out or possibly explode.

"No— no. Jungkook d-did."

He suddenly pulled back, huffing playfully. "I know," he said, glancing at her red face and trying to ignore it (but failing). He thought her fever was spiking up again, and took her towel, handing it to her by putting in promptly on her forehead.

Nari only felt warmer.

Taehyung cleared his throat. "He told me you two were friends in America for about six months while he trained there. Actually, Jihoon wanted me to stay the most, so the others told me to tell you they want to meet you again."

Nari let out an antsy groan. It was unintentional, but he understood what that meant.

"Don't worry, they're very nice!" Taehyung reassured. "They can probably cure your fear from how nice they are! Jungkookie just wanted answers, and plus you already know him! And Jimin-ssi claimed you two were friends now and he wanted to talk about something. And Hoseok-hyung because before he left, he saw your books with permanent marker on them to make these amazing arts and—"

Nari wanted to scream at that, Taehyung's voice zoning out of her attention. No, no, no. Please stop talking.

"— he told me something about songwriting and you could help with his recent song, though I know it's actually Jimin's. Why would he react like that earlier otherwise? Plus we both went to an arts school, and Hobi-hyung is just a dancer for an underground group—"

"Taehyung-ssi," she interrupted, letting her head fall back to her pillow, "I don't understand what you're saying anymore."

Taehyung, flustered, laughed nervously while cupping a hand on his mouth. "Ah, sorry. I was losing myself to my thoughts."

"I do that too."

Silence ocurred again, but Taehyung abruptly broke it, "I just have a lot to say to you."

Nari crinkled her brows, her eyes closed. "Why me?" she asked quietly, though she realized that she felt the same way.

He laughed a little. "I don't really know. Probably because I'm jealous of you?"

"Jealous?" She touched , finding it strange she voiced her thoughts.

"You seem to be the opposite of me in something, you see," Taehyung spoke vaguely, walking back to her desk where he left her book. He came over, asked with his eyes for her permission to sit on her bed, and sat on the edge. Flipping through the pages, he showed her one of her early pieces.

The pictures Nari had drawn over the page were of lilies, with the words:

I'm going 
to 
love you 
inside out.

He turned the page.

I need
your
love
before I
fall.

Nari stared almost petulantly at that page, taking her back to when she it out. She was pregnant and hoped for a redhead, if anything, so that from behind, the child would look nothing like the father.

So on the page, she used red marker to color the boy's hair she doodled on the paper.

"You're a fragile person, Nari-ah. I realized how genuine that part of you was as I read them," said Taehyung, after letting a moment pass. "Oh, and sorry that I read them."

Since meeting Taehyung, Nari realized that she had been feeling a rollercoaster of feelings, after feeling nothing for a very long time. She let things happen. She barely spoke to people before.

"And?" she croaked, eyes wet again.

"And," Taehyung said, leaning to wipe an oncoming tear from one of her eyes gently, "you're also strong. And real. And independent. You're able to hold yourself up, and I think that's something people cannot show as naturally as you can."

That's not true.

"I was just... raised that way," she sniffed, laughing at herself. She didn't even know why. Maybe she just wanted to accept the fact that his touch was actually comforting. Or maybe she wanted to scoff at how stupid her response sounded to her.

"I had the best parents, a good education, and a great job. And yet, I'm not completely grateful. I say this because I feel like you won't judge me, so..."

He gazed at her son, fast asleep. She was not angry or jealous at him for spouting things she didn't have, but confused at why he'd look at her life so positively. She saw little, if any, positive points to her life, which felt like scraped pieces of brokenness other people should've had to balance the world out, but instead were injected into her blood and bones.

Taehyung ran a hand through his hair, no longer able to explain himself properly. "I feel— fake? Like my exterior doesn't reflect what's inside of me?"

And here I thought you were being more honest to God than anything, Nari thought, but all this time you claim you were faking it?

"And that something is missing, something that I'm holding myself back from that I want to pursue but feel stuck, like someone clipped my wings... at least, that's how I feel."

Nari spoke, "Do you like Jihoon?"

He was taken aback. "Huh? Of course I do, why do you ask?"

"Then the hell are you saying?"

Taehyung flinched, touching his ears in disbelief. Nari didn't have the energy to react to his shocked expression, because it was actually cute.

"Taehyung-ssi."

"M-Mhm? Yeah?"

"You're not fake," she said sternly, sitting up again. "You are as caring and kind as you make yourself seem. You're just not... open."

"There's a difference?"

"You mean what's the difference," Nari mumbled. "And right now, I don't have an answer for you."

Her eyes were closed, and she shook only a little when she didn't get a response. It was a bit uncomfortable to speak her mind like that, and she knew Taehyung was staring at her anyway, so she didn't want to see his expression.

He was slack-jawed for ten whole seconds, unblinking, when he started to hold her gently at the wrists to take her hands out of her face.

It was nearly eleven at night when he finally left, having dinner with the Lees and talking to Nari for hours on end. Taehyung never thought he would enjoy Nari's company so much.

Nari didn't think it would happen either.

written on 17.06.13. | posted on 17.10.17.

original note: HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY BANGTAN SONYEONDAN! STOP BEING PERFECTER AS EACH YEAR PASSES IT HURTS

another note: double update because

hooray