-

 

 

4 a.m.

 

The yellow-green glow of the alarm clock pronounced the time to her. Kareena rolled over, hugging her blankets to her stomach tighter, letting her feet get tangled in the twists and turns of the cloth. 4 a.m. was late, but not that late. The sky was still dark, the last vestiges of moonlight washing over the bedsheets. There was time before that pale, watery blue light would rise. About an hour and a half, to be exact.

 

It was summer, the end of July, and Kareena could not get to sleep. Her body ached in all the wrong places—her mind, her heart—even as dizziness fogged her brain and pins and needles ran through her arms. Since her condition had been diagnosed, she was used to these sleepless nights, but she always hated when she could not drift off before the dawn came. Like she’d been cheated those hours.

 

Time was inconsequential after 1 a.m. The poster on the ceiling stared back at her. Kareena checked the clock and found that it was nearly 5 a.m. already. She laid flat on her back, staring up at the long-faded stars on her ceiling. Giving in to the wait for darkness.

 

-

 

24 hours later, she was back. Tonight she had tried counting backwards, slowing down her breaths gradually, imagining darkness expanding through her mind. She had made up a story about cats. Tried to envision herself in a fantasy landscape. Nothing worked—nothing ever did.

 

She thought back vaguely to a conversation she’d had with her mom years back, about listening to a certain song while falling asleep. The song could pull your consciousness from your body, her mom had said. The idea freaked out the rest of the family, and they had strictly forbidden her to try it. Now, the idea didn’t seem so bad. She could escape her ailing body, feel the way she had been before. Since she had nothing else to do, Kareena amused herself by imagining her soul breaking out of her body and floating above, watching her earthly self lying there.

 

But surely it must take more resistance than that. She reimagined the scene, this time simulating her body fighting back, the unbreakable bonds her soul pulled at. A struggle between the corporeal and the unseen.

 

As she pushed more strength into the breaking, yearned for that freedom, Kareena became more invested in the scene. She could feel it happening, could feel those threads beginning to weaken—

 

She gasped as a ghostly version of her chest seemed to rise up. In that split second, her concentration was broken and the phantom doppelganger snapped back into nonexistence, as if bound by a rubber band.

 

Had it really happened? Perhaps she had simply conjured the vision from her overactive imagination. The efforts of the night swept over her, and the tiredness sank into her bones. For one night, sleep would come easy.

 

-

 

For the next nights she tried to replicate her results, but sometimes the familiar old pain would come into her bones, or her mother would come check on her. Still, frustrated, she tried again and again. Finally, just when she had put it down to her tired mind’s hallucinations, she saw it. As she stared, the ghost version of herself began to separate from her body.

 

Remembering what had happened when she broke concentration, Kareena put all of her focus into pulling her body...out of itself. It was bizarre and strange, a feeling that something important that she hadn’t even known existed was being peeled away from its source.

 

Then, with a slight pop, the two Kareena’s were separate. She blinked, the world whirled; suddenly, instead of staring at the ceiling, she was now looking down at her body, sprawled across the bed. It didn’t hurt, exactly, but she felt empty. Insubstantial. She really was those things. She stuck a hand through her body, and it came out the other side.

 

She felt great—she felt healthy and better than ever. Happiness bubbled up in her chest before the fear hit her. What had she done? What if she was stuck this way forever? She floated down and touched her foot to her unmoving body’s foot. A rush of relief flooded over her as her ghostly foot sank in easily. She pulled it back out, feeling the resistance to separate like glue.

 

So she could detach and reattach herself. The implications of this overwhelmed her. The things she could do, the places she could see—all in the freedom and stillness of night. But already her head was throbbing and her eyes closing. She laid down gently into her body, feeling the connection click and the weight of her body rush back. Tomorrow night. Tomorrow night she would explore this new development.

 

-

 

She was ready. It was just past midnight, her parents had settled down, and she felt good. She looked down: her physical body seemed to be in a deep sleep, eyes closed and breathing even. With a deep breath, she passed through her window.

 

The open night greeted her. It was stunning, how wide the deep darkness spread, with its salt and pepper stars glimmering and blinking. She stood there for a minute, letting it embrace her, before she stepped off the side of the roof and floated away.

 

Kareena made a round of her neighborhood first, not sure what she wanted to do but reveling in the freedom of it. How fast could she go? She pushed herself, willing her ghostly body to go, go, go, and flashed forward, surroundings blurring.

 

Her delighted laugh broke the crisp night air. She could see the entire world if she wanted to. And why not? Rising above the roofs in the community, she spun in a circle, eyes closed, before picking a direction at random. Her thin shift fluttered around her as she flew through the darkness, but she did not feel the cold.

 

-

 

Kareena did not return until the sky began to lighten. As she floated down reluctantly into her body, her mind was still far away, entranced by the night’s adventures. She had visited the nearby park, walked through her eerily empty high school. Made a trip to the beach and breathed in the salt as the night ocean crashed and roared.

 

She had visited her best friend. Lettie was fast asleep when Kareena slipped into her room. She had laid a tender hand on Lettie’s forehead, but her fingers had passed straight through. She could not feel her, nor see her, Kareena realized, a bit sad. And she would not remember any of it in the morning.

 

But Kareena had always been a lonely child. She didn’t resent it as other children might have, for she found that it was valuable. To have this freedom, to see all—it was a gift she accepted with open arms.

 

-

 

The rest of that week found her visiting her old haunts, but soon she was ready to try something new. She wondered if she could cross the oceans, see the other continents. Even if she could go up and up until nothing was around her but deep space.

 

Despite her state of being insubstantial, the thought of flying for such long distances still frightened her. She hesitated at the edge of the cliffs, almost turning back, but took a deep breath and stepped off the edge.

 

There was a freedom to be found in fear, too, she realized as she dipped close to the waves, enough to touch the spray, and then rose back up. If you accepted it, conquered it, and made it your own. Tonight she had made fear courage. Like a bullet, she flew soundlessly through the night, going faster and faster.

 

Once she had landed, it took a while before the blur of speed and her exhilaration settled, but then there she was. Sand she wished she could feel sat softly below, and dark mountainous shapes rose in the distance. She wandered around, passing small straw huts installed in intervals, while their inhabitants slept soundly within.

 

Another flight told her she was on some kind of island. Feeling quite sated for the night, she set off for home before pink began to streak the horizon.

 

-

 

In the days that followed, Kareena returned across the ocean each night, mapping out bits until she felt almost familiar with the area. The island was part of Japan; she went further and higher and saw South Korea, North Korea, China. From the other side she flew through France, Spain, the United Kingdom.

 

However wondrous the world was, Kareena found herself returning to South Korea. Though she had not much time to be a fan, since the sickness had changed her life, she still followed the music. Had seen groups in concerts. Her walls had been plastered with posters until the tape started to wear down. By then, she was already tired all the time, clumsy and weak, and she had never put them back up.

 

Only one poster of EXO remained on her ceiling. It was her first one; they were her first group.

 

She doubted she would ever attend a concert again, much less leave the house save for hospital visits. A wave of sadness washed over her, surprising herself—Kareena had moved past the sadness stage quite a long time ago. It was just acceptance now.

 

She decided she would allow herself to be selfish.

 

-

 

She landed gently on the edge of the dormitory, heart fluttering more nervously than it had in a long while. All the lights were out.

 

It hadn’t been too difficult to find the building, once she had looked around online. Taking a breath, she drifted in through the window, and found herself in what looked to be the common room, with some sofas sitting around and a coffee table in the center. There was an attached kitchen, and six closed doors spread across the outside of the room.

 

Though they no longer needed six, she thought with a burst of sadness. Perhaps they were empty, or some of the members had claimed single rooms. Feeling as if she was violating something sacred, she looked around again and then drifted into the closest room.

 

There she found Minseok, buried under blankets and sleeping deeply. The moonlight traced the outlines of his face, lightening his nose and cheekbones. They had moved into the empty rooms, then. The next room was occupied by Jongin and Chanyeol, both fast asleep as well. There were some comic books scattered on the floor, and a huge poster of Chanyeol himself hung behind the bed, Kareena saw. Slightly amused, she moved onto the next, which Kyungsoo and Chen shared. The room was much neater, no doubt occupied by those who cleaned up at the end of each day.

 

The faithful leader himself was in the next room, watching over the unruly Baekhyun. Even in sleep, Kareena thought, Junmyeon looked angelic—but tired, worn down. How much had he endured over the years for his group, the fans? Baekhyun stirred then, turned over in bed as if about to wake up, and Kareena hurried on to the next room even though she knew he would not see her.

 

It was Sehun’s. Black clothes were draped over the dresser, closet partly ajar and window blinds still open. She went over slowly to his figure, still beneath the covers. His features, sharp and sculpted, remained so in sleep, eyebrows drawn together in a way that made it difficult to tell if he was angry or distressed. She was struck by a want to reach out and ruffle his hair, but she knew she could not. She had already intruded too much.

 

She thought her heart might have broken a little when she beheld Yixing sleeping alone in the last room. Whether by choice or because of some internal rift that would never be known outside the group, the situation would break the hearts of all their fans if they, too, discovered it one day. Memories of the days the other three announced their departures whirled back to her. Drowning in pain and memories, she left quickly.

 

Even after so many years, the scars of those times had not faded. Kareena drifted around the living room aimlessly, arms slack at her sides, as she waited for the hurtful things to fade away. Finally, about to step outside and go home, she heard a noise beside her and turned around.

 

It was the sound of a door opening. Sehun was standing outside his room, hair slightly ruffled, and looking directly at her. She nearly gasped, heart beating fast, before she remembered her couldn’t see her. Sighing, she turned to leave.

 

“Wait.”

 

The word stopped her in her tracks. Sehun was still looking, but he was, she realized, not looking through her but looking at her. A strange kind of terror and delight ran through her at the same time. It was nearly a dream come true, for any fan. But the shock of being seen, the force of his gaze—it was too much for her. Mind blank, she did not wait—she disappeared instead.

 

-

 

It had been a huge mistake, Kareena thought to herself in the next nights. A mistake to invade EXO’s privacy, a mistake that she had not disappeared instantly. She had no right, she had abused her gift: she must stay out of their lives.

 

But the look in Sehun’s eyes, and his word, those things stayed with her. He wanted to talk to her, didn’t he? Or perhaps he simply wanted to express his disappointment in her, for entering their sanctuary, the only place they were not surrounded by cameras.

 

The guilt swamped over her, and she resolved to stay away.

 

-

 

She found herself, inevitably, outside the dorm nights later. Headaches and an aching body had kept her from her nighttime haunts briefly, but she could not bring herself to stay away after that.

 

It was almost with relief that she found the common room and kitchen empty, though there was disappointment mixed in, too. Sehun probably had given up by now, she thought, had put it down to a strange and vivid dream. She would leave for real now.

 

As if a tape had been rewound to that night, as she prepared to leave, his voice sounded out clear in the darkness.

 

“Wait. Please.”

 

She turned, and this time, she waited.

 

-

 

There at the kitchen table the two of them sat, a boy whose face was known to millions, and a sick, insubstantial girl from a world away. Bizarre and impossible.

 

“This is all a dream, isn’t it?” Sehun mused, fingers playing over an empty water glass. “I had this dream a couple nights ago, but you left that time. I wanted to talk to you. There’s not many people I can talk to like this,” he explained, and Kareena’s heart rang out in sadness.

 

Let him think this was a dream. Kareena had already interrupted his life far more than she should have. After this, it would continue on normally, as if she had never existed. That was the way it should be.

 

“Why did you leave?” he asked.

 

How can you see me? She wanted to ask back. It was impossible—nonsensical.

 

Instead, she shrugged.

 

“I’m sorry, that’s a stupid question,” he apologized. “You’re just a figment of my imagination. It doesn’t have to make sense.” His voice drifted off, and he stared down into the empty glass as if trying to find the key to the universe.

 

It doesn’t have to make sense. That was a nice phrase.

 

“I’m Kareena,” she offered after a time had passed.

 

“Hello, Kareena,” he said comfortably. “I’m Sehun.”

 

Suddenly, he yawned. “‘Scuse me. I’m quite tired. It was a long day.”

 

Kareena knew it. The summer comeback had ensured that the boys were swamped in their schedules, shunted from place to place, performing and doing whatever else idols did.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then,” he said, yawning again. “Good night. Or is it morning now?” With that, he stood up and went back inside his room.

 

He really did think she was imaginary, she thought. And she realized she would have to come back again the next night.

 

-

 

The next night, and the ones after, progressed similarly to the first one. Kareena sat companion to Sehun, listening to him talk about his busy day, or meander on about piecemeal thoughts that floated into his mind in those early morning hours. He was always very tired. And a little wistful.

 

“I’m a bit lonely,” he told her one night. “Being an idol, it’s hard. I have the other members, of course. But sometimes I feel it’d be nice to have friends outside of...” he gestured around him. “Outside of all this.”

 

He sighed. Kareena wanted to tell him how much the fans cared about them. How much they understood. He knew, though, as did all of the members. It was just hard.

 

“I understand.”

 

It was the only thing she could say that she felt might help. And I’m sorry, she added silently, wishing she could do more.

 

-

 

It was getting harder for Kareena to come each night: her headaches intensified, she woke in confusion at times, and her mother began to check on her more. Still, she always found a way.

 

Gradually, Sehun opened up about more. Beyond the details of his daily life, to things that stood darker and quieter behind him, and behind EXO.

 

“We miss them a lot. Yifan and Luhan, Zitao.” He pressed his lips together as Kareena closed her eyes. He had never talked about this before.

 

“It’s complicated. It .” He drew a breath. “We can’t ever say anything about it, of course, because of the company. The fans must understand. But it’s complicated. Because even though we hurt, missing them, we also hurt wondering how they could have left us.

 

“We were supposed to be together forever. It was our own motto, for god’s sake. We were part of something bigger, creating something wonderful together. We were...everything. Just imagine it. EXO.” He shivered, memories washing over him, and Kareena remembered, too.
 

“When I saw the first lawsuit, Yifan’s, it was like I’d been punched in the chest. I couldn’t breathe. It just hurt everywhere.”

 

He touched his heart. “Those were hard days. Then came the news of Luhan, and Zitao...We were expecting them, in a way. Somehow that made it even a little worse.”

 

Kareena could see tears forming glossily in Sehun’s eyes. He blinked a couple times, but then as if remembering she was not real anyways, raised his arm and wiped them away.

 

“I knew it was never going to be the same after. No matter how many more records we broke, how many trophies we won or songs we sold, it wasn’t going to be the same. And it hasn’t been.”

 

“I’m sorry,” she said finally, feeling useless. Wishing she could do more than just listen.

 

“It’s alright,” Sehun said, though it wasn’t. He wiped his eyes again. “I wish I hadn’t taken those times for granted. When there were all 12 of us. Even though we’re still doing well now...” he hesitated.

 

“I wouldn’t say this to anybody else. They would probably kill me. But even if they won’t accept it, I know: we’ve reached our high point, and we’re only falling now.”

 

We’re only falling now.

 

“There’s BTS now. Other groups too. The new EXO, the new record breaker. No matter how much the company tries to sell us, or for how long, it will never be the same anymore.”

 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I keep saying that. It comes back to me over and over again.”

 

Briefly, there was silence.

 

“And the fans,” Sehun said. “We feel so bad, beyond bad, but we can’t—we can’t comfort them. Not that way we want to. We have to go on like everything is fine. They must have felt so betrayed.

 

“And most are still supporting us now,” he whispered to the air. “Even after everything that’s happened...”

 

-

 

“Sometimes I just want it to end,” Sehun said to her weeks later. “I’ll always be glad I was part of EXO—it’s part of me now. But then I know deep inside that I’m ready for it to end. To move on to something new. For the fans to say their goodbyes to a group that’s made them so happy and so sad over the years, and move on too.

 

“Other times, I want to be Sehun from EXO forever.”

 

-

 

Her condition was getting worse. Kareena could feel it in every waking second. Sometimes her vision was so blurred she could hardly see. The other day, she nearly fell down the stairs when she stumbled.

 

She feared for the day when Sehun would wait and wait for her, and she would not come, because she could not.

 

-

 

On what was to be the last night, though neither of them knew that, Sehun was telling her about his childhood. She listened and nodded and spoke when she needed to, and a kind of joy found her that she could be here with him.

 

“Thank you,” he said suddenly, and she looked up in surprise. “For listening to me. I never knew I needed it until I did. There’s a kind of weight off my shoulders now, even though it’ll always be there.” He reached out and took her hands in his, but his hands passed through hers like they always did.

 

She smiled at him, and then grimaced as a sharp pain shot through her head.

 

“Kareena?” he asked in concern, but she forced herself to look at him through the pain.

 

“It’s nothing,” she reassured him. “I’m glad, that I helped you. You can’t imagine how glad I am.”

 

He smiled at that, which made her smile again. And even as the pain increased and became unbearable, a sickness so bad it was reaching even her ghost state now, even as Kareena felt her body at home beginning to fail, she smiled until he said good night and disappeared back into his room.

 

“See you tomorrow, Kareena.”

 

“Good bye, Sehun.”

 

Kareena let go as soon as the door closed. The pain closed over her instantly, dragging her back to her body. But she did not know that, because the darkness had already come to take her under. Even as the world dissolved, she could only think that Sehun being able to see her was not impossible after all. It was not nonsensical. It was meant to be.

 

-

 

What happened after that, she could not say. There was pain, a lot of it. A dim vision of her mother coming into her room and screaming. The scene shattered into kaleidoscope, ambulance sirens, cold antibacterial smell. Bright lights and then welcome darkness again. And only a soft, steady beeping after that.

 

-

 

While her body lay unresponsive on the hospital bed, her mother holding her unfeeling hand, Kareena wheeled through the heavens above. She was beyond planet Earth now, in the deep and dark and infinite universe. Stars spiraled around her—she tumbled through rings of cold fire and black holes, saw strange inhabitants in far away galaxies and worlds like her own. She felt tiny in comparison; she felt as infinite as the cosmos. She was insignificant and everything at the same time.

 

Something wonderful must have pulled her back in the end, for Kareena did not know why she would ever choose to leave such a place. A bright star on Earth, a flame that was a part of her—it didn’t have to make sense. All she knew was that it was time to go back.

 

-

 

“Miss, she’s awake.”

 

Footsteps, a door bursting open. Then her mother’s sobs as Kareena opened her eyes.

 

-

 

How many years had it been? She didn’t know. The time that had passed while she was in her coma, the time between her awakening and now—it was inconsequential. What mattered now was the smell of fall in the air as she walked down the small street, and the way the sun glistened golden on the canal beside her.

 

Red and yellow and orange leaves swirled around her as a breeze twirled by; Kareena held on firmly to her hat. As if in answer, a single bird chirped back.

 

Up ahead, among the row of brick houses lining the water, she spotted the one she had made this long journey for. A couple steps led up to the brown door. She picked up the golden knocker, and let go.

 

The door opened shortly after. A tall man, not quite so young anymore but still the way he had always been, stood there with slightly ruffled hair.

 

“Kareena...” Sehun whispered.

 

He stepped aside, and she took off her shoes and followed him in, knowing she had finally returned home.

 

-

 

---

It's okay to move on. It's okay to acknowledge you've been hurt by those you love. In the end, they will always be a part of us.