she kept turning and turning it over in her head, the idea that Sana had a secret from her.  a big one, something she almost shared but then Momo scared her into retreating with it-

-she frowned.

she hadn't been doing so well in the friend department.  she sighs, looking over at Sana who has her head in a comic book, lounging on her bed...

she hasn't been doing well at all.

//

"Have you been seeing anyone?"

The question startled Sana, so Momo gave her a second to adjust, but she still couldn't smooth out her expression.  Instead she sat back, bewildered, and a little anxious as her fingernails scratched at the tabletop.

"I... uh... we don't have to talk about it-"

"-I feel bad that we don't.  I told you I would be here for you and then I just... wasn't."  Momo slumps down at the end of her words, realizing that a lot of her problems always began and ended the same way: with her.

Sana kept scratching the tabletop and Momo stayed quiet, hoping for an answer, but it didn't come.  They managed to stall each other out with silence until Jihyo came bounding in with a request, and Momo was off to help lift a karaoke machine into the apartment.

//

"It's crazy how much they all like her."  Jeongyeon was staring fascinatedly at the tv.  "I mean they really like her, look-" she points at Mino, "it's genuine.  It's not often that celebrities have crushes like that.  When everyone around you is famous you don't see the glamour that non-famous people do."  She snorts, "but these guys look like it's the first time they've seen a woman."  As if on cue, the cast of Master Key collectively swoon over something Sana just said.

Momo just agrees.

//

"Is there someone you miss from back home?"

Nayeon is lying on her back in Momo's bed.  With her elbow she nudges Momo's side, and they both stare up at the ceiling as Momo answers.  

"I didn't really date anyone for long.  I was dancing non stop before I came here.  And then when I came here I couldn't understand a single word any boy said to me."

Nayeon giggled. "I'm sure you could understand some."

"The rest I chose not to."

They both laughed at that.

Then Nayeon sighed.  She rolled over suddenly, snuggling into Momo's side.  Momo felt the heat crawl up her neck as Nayeon's lips drew closer to her skin.

"Do you mind it... when we're close like this?"

Momo blushes.  If the past year or so of fooling around hasn't indicated so, then what would?  It's too embarrassing to say it out loud.  She turns her head so it's closer to Nayeon's and practices breathing.

"I know it's nothing big, nothing compared to all the other good things that happen to us.  But I kind of wish I could have that one part of it, of growing up... having a boyfriend... falling in love."

Momo usually bites her tongue on these things, but it suddenly comes out, maybe because Nayeon's hand is starting a dangerous path down Momo's stomach, and she can't be held accountable for the things she says while intoxicated.

"Boyfriend?"

Nayeon halts.

"I'm sorry, I just-"

"-no it's okay."  Nayeon sits up suddenly, and it feels very not okay.  Momo's fingers grip the bed cover tightly, and she counts her breaths going in, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... and then out 6, 7, 8, 9... 

"-you're not wrong."  Nayeon's voice is hard, and short.  "I guess I just... there's a lot of things about my life I envisioned going differently.  It's not exactly better or worse, the way they turned out, but I just... I haven't really thought about it much."  She looks back at Momo.  "I don't like to think about it."  She lays back down.  "I prefer to just be."

Momo loses track of her counting, and her breaths come out short, and frantic.  "Oh," is all she manages to squeak out, before Nayeon rolls on top of her, and derails every speeding train of thought she had swirling around her mind.

//

When Momo rests her hand over Sana's at the table, Sana leans towards her, rests her head on Momo's shoulder and twines their fingers together.  She sighs; without saying a word Momo understands what she means.

She misses this too.

They share one glass, and with Momo's better hand occupied, Sana is responsible for feeding the both of them.  This mostly means feeding Momo first, and cleaning up when she spills, and then whining about the lack of dessert.  Jihyo promises they'll stop for ice cream on the way home, and Sana's overexuberant response nearly rips Momo's heart out of her chest, but the monster settles when Sana lays back down on her.

she's not going anywhere, Momo reminds herself, she'll always come back

//

Nothing was ever easy... not auditioning, not moving to korea, not even dyeing her hair, which gave her much anxiety after all the black drained out replaced by a blinding yellow blonde.  

What she was afraid of as a kid however, it can't control her anymore.  

She presses Nayeon deep into her mattress, and when she's finished having her way, she breathes into her pillow.  "I would've married her."

"Married who?"  Nayeon kisses Momo's bare shoulder.  She's already halfway dressed, but she waits to hear Momo's big epiphany.

Momo turns to look up at Nayeon, slightly shy.  She hugs her pillow tightly as she says, "I would've married her if she was my best friend.  If we met at a different time, in a different place, I would've thought she was the only person I could ever..."

The words get lost, or maybe she doesn't need them.  She hasn't told Nayeon who exactly, but probably anyone with eyes would know.  And Nayeon has eyes -very pretty ones- and a mind as a sharp as a knife.  She smiles gently, lips turned down at the corners but eyes gleaming with empathy.  "It's never too late."

Momo doubts that, which Nayeon can see, so she leans down to kiss her again.  She stands up, and she's about to leave, but before she closes the door, she says,

"you know... I'm not coming back here again.  Not for this I mean... if you need help with something, or you want company while you read, but I won't be back for this."

It settles heavy in between them.  Invisible, intangible, but maybe the realest thing that's ever been said.

Momo doesn't take long to understand it.  Even though feels constricted, something in her chest is finally happy, and free.

"okay"