She always left a little something out of her ponytail.  Momo would tilt her head and watch as Sana began her third attempt to fix up her hair, like the art of it was something that needed it's own documentary.  (Momo would wonder if she maybe liked looking at Sana too much.)

To be fair, there was a hardly a thing she didn't like about Sana.  Her clumsiness.  Her cleverness.  Her bravery.  Her heart.

But Momo was not a child, and gone were the days where every innocent interest could be passed off as a curiosity or a phase.  Something deep inside her churned everytime she caught herself staring too long, or smiling too wide.  She had already stopped laughing at yo mama jokes, and thrown away her action figures.  Every dumb stupid interest she ever had was swept away to make room for real goals, real passions.  She gave herself over to dance; it was what her sister was good at.  Her sister got all the praises, so Momo knew following her footsteps would be the ideal thing.

--

In the winter when the other trainees had already left for home, and her and Sana were still waiting for the day they could take their flights back to Japan, Momo would follow Sana's footsteps as they took long walks in the snow around the JYP building, too afraid to venture any further out.

"You know Seoul in English means soul.  Like..." Momo couldn't find the word, so she just pointed at her chest.  "Not heart, but..."

"Soul."  Sana pressed her hand over Momo's, grinning.  "Yeah I get it."

Momo blushed.

"God stop showing off, we get it, you're a language genius!"

Momo couldn't stop blushing, even after the guilt settled in.  She kicked up the snow with her boots.  "I forgot a lot of it.  And I'm still not very good at Korean."

Sana was distracted already, trying (and failing) to mold a perfect snowball.  "Your Korean sounds find to me," she mumbled.  Her face was squished up, concentrated on holding together all the tiny snowflakes.

"Here," Momo started making one of her own, "you have to compact it.  Let me show you."

"Quick! What's the word for compact, in Korean?"

Momo stuttered, tripping over her words, and while she was distracted, Sana took her snow pile and shoved it down Momo's shirt.

--

Sana had her fingers tangled up with Momo's, and they were waiting for the results on this week's episode of SIXTEEN.  Even though they would know for sure by filming time tomorrow, they anxiously checked the polls at night, hoping to be somewhat prepared for what would inevitably be a heartwrenching elimination.

Momo refreshed again, and Sana looked down, bringing their clasped hands together with her free one, and holding them up to her forehead in prayer.  "Please not us.  Please please please."

"Mina-"

"-oh god."

"-is up.  She just moved up a place."

Sana released what sounded like a sob, and Momo looked back to check on her quickly before returning to the website.  

"You're in the same place," Momo smiled.  "Lucky number 7, eh?"

Sana wouldn't look up from her clasped hands.

"What about you?"

Momo swallowed thickly.  She was trying to be subtle about it but Sana was already trembling, on the verge of tears, and this program wasn't good for any of their healths but they're already here.  She sighed.  Sitting back, resigned, and Sana leaned into her side, trying hard not to cry.

Momo reached over and patted her on the shoulder.  

"It'll be alright.  I go wherever you go right?  I followed you here all the way from Japan remember?"  Momo smiled, knowing it's a made up memory, but she still liked to pretend it was true.  "I swear I saw you at that audition.  You had a bowl cut remember?"

"Did not!" Sana interjected.  Her voice was thick, and Momo forced out a laugh to ease the tension.

"You're right.  I'm such an idiot, I never remember anything."

--

Normally Sana would introduce herself by throwing a waterbottle at Momo's head, but this time she lingered at the door long enough for Momo to see her first.  As she got up from the floor she saw Sana waving goodbye to Dahyun.  Their hands clasped firmly and then slowly slid away, Dahyun tracing after her with a fond smile before Sana closed the door to the dance studio.

"Oh!"  Sana smiled seeing that Momo was already up.  "I brought you something."

Momo took the water bottle silently, drinking half and then closing it so she could hold it against her forehead like an ice pack.  Sana wrinkled her nose.  "Can I hug you or do you smell?"

Momo's eyebrow's formed a wave and she scoffed.  "I smell but you can still hug me."

Sana didn't hesitate, and Momo was caught off guard again by how she pressed her body fully against Momo's, arms wrapping all the way around her, too close to be polite, too tight to be friendly.

It had been a couple weeks since her elimination, and they were all used to dealing with it by now.  Momo learned to only cry in her room, and not in public.  (On tv she has such an ugly crying face, apparently).  Mina was back to being optimistic.  "When you debut as a solo artist you have to invite us to your private make up room!"  Momo would laugh and nod.  Mina was just getting her confidence back.  As selfish as Momo had felt that day, ignoring everyone's condolences, wishing that they could all take her place, she learned that it feels better to support your friends' dreams than be jealous of them.

Jeongyeon was spending more hours with her after the show's filming to practice singing.  "No it's like kh not k."  She rolled her eyes while smiling, that signature 'pabo' expression written on her face, and Momo would smile back numbly.  "Thank you for helping me," she'd say for the 100th time.  Being grateful was a part of supporting your friends' dreams, even if your friends suddenly became very patronizing towards you.

The only friend who wasn't having any of it was Sana.  She cried just as long as Momo did.  She heard they had to hold on filming for 4 hours because Sana wouldn't get it together.  (Momo's heart still stings when she thinks about the way she had brushed her off.  She hadn't seen her that day, only the blinding white light of defeat.  This was the end of her road.  Everything she had given up to get here was sacrificed for nothing.)

When she realized Sana still hadn't let go Momo sighed, and peeled Sana off of her.

"You're working hard right?"

Being the mature one doesn't suit her anymore.  She still felt embarrassed for crying, embarrased for losing, just embarrased.  

If she was being awkward Sana didn't notice.  "It's different without you," she said, and Momo gritted her teeth to keep her smile in place.  "Don't say things like that.  You have to win okay?"  She grabbed Sana by the chin, tilting her head up slightly.

Sana nodded, turning her head away quickly.

"I have to go see Dahyun soon."

"I thought you just saw her?"

Sana froze, and then returned to texting on her phone.  "Yeah I was telling her we'd meet up later.  We have some rehearsals to go through."

Be supportive Momo chanted in her head.  "That's great!  You can do it."  Through her gritted teeth the compliment sounded less sincere, soaked in something else, and Momo felt like ripping out her own tongue.

"Yeah..." Sana still hadn't looked back her way.

"Anyways I'll let you get to it," Momo started to unwrap the flannel from her waist, "I have to keep practicing this dance routine.  I'm actually way behind schedule."

She didn't mean for it to sound like that, but Sana flinched, visibly upset, and then masked it smoothly with another hug.  "Text me when you're finished?" she said to Momo's shoulder.

Momo nodded, and then she was gone.

--

As a part of TWICE Momo stood for something else entirely.  Redemption?  Second chances?  Compassion?  The producers behind the cameras (the ones who favored her, anyway) had always told her to come with a concept.  She tried powerful, she tried genuine, but none of them rang as deeply as Mina's sincerity, or Jihyo's desperation.

Now that she's debuted they all have new concepts. Together they stand for girl power.  They were plucked from an impossible situation, given a one in a million chance.  They're TWICE, and they're going to be the next big thing.

Individually Jihyo is the adorable leader. Jeongyeon the no-jam hyung.  Sana the "Osaka Princess".

And strangely, after all the fuss about eliminating her, and then bringing her back, Momo was still just their token dancer.  Abs for display.  Language fool.  Top-notch anime impersonator.

The words feel funny on her tongue as she speaks them, "aren't I cute?" she says to the camera, pretending to believe what everyone else does.  When no one's looking she messes with her new bangs, picks at the fishnet stockings that are now her trademark, and in her stomach so the air-brushed ab artwork will look good on camera.

They're talking to someone about their relationships within the dorm, but Momo is too distracted to answer a question on time.  On cue she asks "what?" and everyone laughs, and it's another job well done, a thumbs up from JYP, a 0 added onto the final number of her paycheck.  When they actually head back to the dorm Dahyun tugs on her arm.  "You were really funny today, Unnie."

Her smile betrays her sincerity, and Momo can't help but smile back.  "Thanks Dubu.  Not as funny as you though."  Dahyun giggles and bumps Momo with her shoulder.  The sight sparks a familiar flutter in her chest.  And maybe it's a Pavlovian response, she's associated these flutters with a certain someone.  When she finds them, they have their hands in Jihyo's pocket, smiling as the young girl rants about a million of the things they could do better next time.

Momo swallows thickly remembering.  She should stop thinking about things that won't help her get where she needs to be.  And she should work harder because she barely made it here anyways.

Still when Dahyun lays her head down on Momo's shoulder, she doesn't shake it off.  Other people's dreams are important to Momo.  She thinks this, as she relaxes on the bus, letting drowsiness overcome her as the rest of her members have already started to doze off.  One glance at the back of Sana's head reminds her.  

That day Momo was pulled up on stage, a crying mess similar to the first time, except for happier reasons... Sana had emptied her whole soul onto Momo.

"Thank god," she sobbed, "I couldn't have done it without you, I wouldn't... I-I wasn't I wasn't going t-t-t-o"  Even as Jihyo pulled her away, whispering words of comfort, Momo could tell Sana wasn't really listening.  She hadn't even spoken a word of intelligible Korean to either of them.  Something of broken Japanese and sobs, something that only Momo was meant to understand, and it just made her cry harder.

She squinted up at the nation's viewers, promising to make the most of this opportunity.  She meant it then, but only now did she understand why.

--

The thing feels less heavy when Momo knows she doesn't really have to worry about it anymore.  Unlike tv shows which will always come back with a new season, enticing her away from her schoolwork, if people don't want you back, then there's no relationship to be afraid of.  Momo sat comfortably in the bunk above Sana's bed, daydreaming about the days when they were 16, holding hands underneath their desks, while a scary lady with a thick ruler pointed out words they didn't yet understand on the board.

"You have to learn this if you want to succeed."  Her Japanese was quick and short, so fast that even they almost didn't understand.

Sana passed a crumpled note to Momo when she looked away.

what if i can't do it?

Momo replied instantly, forgoing the note (her left-handwriting was worse than her right, and her right was already pretty bad).  "you'll get it," she whispered, missing the way Sana shivered as Momo's lips grazed her ear.  "you're the most talented person I know."

--

Momo pushes it down when it threatens to rear it's ugly head, but gently this time, like putting a baby back to sleep.  She knows what it is now, she can't deny it (at least not to herself).

It comes up rarely, things are too hectic to care about her own stupid feelings anymore anyways.  Still sometimes, it peeks out from under the blankets when it notices Sana resting her head on Jeongyeon's shoulder, or planting a kiss on Tzuyu's cheek.

It once threw a huge tantrum, when on the evening of a reunion with former trainee friends, Momo peeked out of her room to see Sana pulling a girl into hers.  By the length of her black hair, Momo knew it was their old friend from their trainee days in the japanese jyp school.  Her hands clenched into fists.  Whatever illusion she had up that made all of this somewhat okay, somewhat bearable, shattered.

Maybe it was to prepare her, Momo mused, as a week later Sana was confessing, under the covers of Momo's bed, that she's kissed a girl, and she won't tell anybody else because they'd probably judge her, but you're my best friend, and I didn't know who else to trust.  Momo held her closer, hiding her blank expression behind the darkness.  "It's okay," she said, lazily and calm, "you're you, and I'd never hate you for that."

Sana clutched Momo's shirt and exhaled heavily against her chest.  And that was the last time ever that they were that close.  And now Sana, by all means free to fall in love with whoever she wants, was out there chasing after girls hands, and stealing kisses behind cameras, and Momo was still nursing the guilt that always lived inside her, and wondering how even after all this time... she was still getting it so so wrong.