21.

What am I doing here?

It was the first thing that came to mind the moment I arrived at the mansion at the top of the hill; the rumble of a stereo system and the unmistakable clamour of a roof-raising party greeting us the moment Gayoon killed the ignition. And sitting in the living room that overlooked the grand deck that offered a breath-taking forest view, the question came to me once again, loud and clear.

Just what on earth was I doing here?

To my surprise upon arriving, Gayoon didn’t give me the time to entertain such second thoughts. She had placed a hand on my shoulder and with a broad smile, said, ‘while we’re here, let’s eat and drink as much expensive food as we can to make him pay.’

The comment settled my nerves a bit and I nodded confidently, ‘let’s.’

But that confidence had infinitely dwindled by the time my phone lock screen glowed 21:00. The party was nothing less than I expected. Despite having only attended once, the grand scale Jongin’s events were infamous for didn’t disappoint, what with a gleaming turquoise pool at the centre of the deck ahead of me surrounded by a bar offering everything from glamorous cocktails to expensive bourbon. It was everything a party animal could have asked for.

But considering my circumstances, I wanted nothing but to leave as fast as possible. Gayoon was nowhere to be found in the mansion since half an hour ago and neither was Sehun or even Jongin ever since we had arrived. Alone and uncertain of what to do next, I took to staring at my surroundings, taking in the sights, sounds and smells of a life I might have entertained at some point. True to Mum’s predictions, the night had grown chilly as it progressed; the jacket coming in handy in which I slid into some time ago, finding it the only comfort I could in Jongin’s mansion.

It was odd. How Jongin hosted parties of this calibre even in such times. How so soon after Hansol’s death, life seemed to return to normal for he and everyone else; a life in which I found myself horribly detached from.

There was a time in which I relished in such small delights. But things had by now changed so significantly that staring at the odd couple or two on the dancefloor or by the edge of the deck sharing romantic exchanges seemed too distant to recall.

Was Hansol and I like that as well, at some point? Did we look like that when we were dancing? When we looked out over the balcony that night, mumbling exchanges shyly? I struggled to recall what any of it felt like the more I pressed for answers. Would I have still taken that night in my stride knowing the things I did now of his secrecy?

‘So you came.’

I jerked in my seat at the sudden comment; eyes shooting up to meet Sehun who lingered near the other end of the empty three-seater I occupied. Hands shoved in his pockets and head lowered slightly, his voice rose an octave higher than a mumble as he continued, ‘it’s too open here. Follow me.’

Dazed, I could only watch as Sehun turned, slipping out onto the deck and moving around the swimming pool towards the balcony railing like a ghost. Glancing about me, there were still no signs of anyone familiar in sight; this observation prompting me to my feet as I cautiously followed in Sehun’s lead.

In the time I took to reach him, I studied Sehun. I took in his full black attire and how he leaned coolly over the railing; his back towards me; feeling the first slivers of apprehension now that the time to hear what he had to say came. It was all too suspicious to brush off. Sehun’s clothes, his demeanour, and the fact that Jongin and any of his more notable colleagues were nowhere to be seen seemed like too perfect a circumstance for all this.

‘Where’s Jongin?’

I questioned to my own surprise as well as Sehun’s, who turned his head sharply, staring at me as I settled beside him against the railing; a two-foot distance between us.

‘Is that really a question you should be asking?’

He shot back lowly, staring at me for an unsettling moment before turning back towards the view of the forest ahead of him.

‘He’s a bit busy. Busy enough to buy us some time anyway.’

What on earth he meant by that was beyond me. But just how sombre Sehun’s tone and expression was as he said so was enough to prove at least one suspicion correct: he wanted Jongin to know nothing of our little congregation.

Why, I was yet to find out. And regarding his silence, I prompted instead, ‘what did you mean when you said you were warning me that day?’

‘You should stop going into the forest. It isn’t safe.’

‘How did you know I was there?’

‘Mango juice,’ came his simple reply. ‘It’s your favourite. At least according to Hansol.’

The explanation reduced me to silence, but Sehun didn’t entertain the quiet for long.

‘You also need to start staying away from Jongin as much as possible from now on…,’ he all but muttered; eyes still trained on the woods as he continued. ‘To be honest, if I were you, I’d pack up and move town. You don’t know even half of what’s going on, Saerin. Trust me, you don’t.’

‘What are you on about, Sehun?’ I snapped, growing increasingly irritable by the second at his vague allusions. ‘Did you think coming here was easy? The only reason I did so was because you seemed to want to explain yourself. But seeing you won’t, I will not hesitate to file a report against you for unwarranted threats.’

‘No!’

Sehun’s quick response startled me. And judging by his wide eyes and parted lips as he stood straight with the sudden shout, he looked equally as taken aback by his own outburst. Just like that, the cool and composed Oh Sehun I’d known in passing was gone, replaced by the one I’d last met in the campus parking lot. His eyes fell, his breathing appeared laboured, and his hands fisted at his sides as if clenching the palpable tension in the air.

‘If I’m going to tell you anything, there’ll be absolutely no police involvement. Can we make a deal?’

How desperate Sehun looked made the situation seem anything but like we were making a deal. It almost seemed like he was pleading with me not to take any further steps; like my actions could have severe ramifications unbeknownst to me.

‘OK…,’ I closed my eyes, relenting, and breathed deep, only hoping this was the right decision. ‘But you’re going to tell me everything. No secrets. No pointless dilly-dallying. I’m beyond the point of any more patience than necessary.’

Sehun nodded, expelling a tense breath of air before returning to his initial pose against the railing.

‘I first met Jongin in high school. We happened to be in the same year; not the same class; but in university is where we got to hang out more. He was a really great guy. Popular, charismatic, outgoing… all the kinds of things that just draw people to a person, you know?’

I listened intently, acknowledging his words despite observing silence as he spoke. ‘That’s when I decided that I wanted to get to know him better. Maybe be a part of his closer friends, part of ‘Jongin’s group’, per se. Hansol was there too, at the time. I always thought of him as something like Jongin’s right hand man because they were always moving around together, always partying and always the life of any event… or at least that was until you came along.’

The last of Sehun’s retelling made my heart skip a beat. But it was of an unnerving kind. One that allowed for a growing disconcert to worm its way into my belly because Sehun looked similarly, staring out into the