"He smiles at me, and I am suddenly seventeen again - the year I realize that love doesn't follow the rules, the year I understood that nothing is worth having so much as something unattainable."

- Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

"A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it's the most painful thing you'll ever have to do and that you've ever done. But what's yours is yours. Whether it’s up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it'll fall from the sky and hit you in the head real hard and that time, you won't have to put it back in the sky again."

- C. JoyBell C.

----

Luhan was angry. Not at Sehun, not at the world, but at himself.

He knew that Sehun was innocent. He knew that his boyfriend would never cheat on, replace and dump him. Sehun was a saint; no way on hell would he throw away the almost two decades they have known each other. Sehun loved him; Luhan could see it at the way his lover looks at him. He knew how Sehun was doing his best to give Luhan the time they needed for each other all in a while climbing the corporate ladder. He knew that Sehun was just doing all he could to provide the two of them with the life they both dreamed of.

But what did Luhan do?

Ten years… ten years of being officially together, and almost twenty years of standing beside each other at all times... He wasted the twenty years they built through the foundations of their love and companionship just because he lacked something: trust.

It was not that he did not trust Sehun; it only looked like that way for Sehun who did not know what to do anymore. Luhan knew where the problem lied. It was on himself; his insecurities. He could not get in any business firm because of his poor grades. He was forced to settle on a job that was far from what he finished, but what? Even that job was stripped away from him. It was not the job that became an issue to him. It was about proving himself worthy of Sehun’s love. It was about being useless and a burden to Sehun who did all his best to give him the moon and the stars.

It was about the irrational fear that he had nothing to offer Sehun anymore. Sehun already saw his flaws, and there was nothing about Luhan that Sehun was not aware of. Despite Sehun’s unwavering display of affection for him, Luhan could not help but think that Sehun would one day get tired of him. He could just worry about how Sehun would one day wake up and realize that there were more deserving people for Sehun’s love.

So, Luhan did what he thought he could never do: hurt Sehun. He hit Sehun. He scratched him, caused him to bleed and caused Sehun distress and sorrow. He burdened Sehun more with his demands, and soon, the day he was fearing of finally came.

"I am tired, Han."

"Maybe we need a cool off."

"Maybe we need a break."

"This cannot work this way, Han."

Why was Luhan like this? Why couldn't he go back to his old, jolly, secured self? Why couldn't he be the Lu Han Sehun had fallen in love with?

Sehun was Luhan's slave in love. Luhan knew that he had his lover wrapped around his finger, and he took advantage of that just to make Sehun stay. He did not set his pride down despite knowing that he was the one who was often at fault. He was the one who was always pursued by Sehun, making Luhan wonder where his boyfriend got the inexhaustible source of never-ending patience.

Perhaps, that's what someone gets when blinded by love.

Sehun was always patient with him ever since they were young. He was the one who raised Luhan's spirits and ego, trying to wipe the scars and open wounds of his childhood away. He was the one who always listened to the Chinese male's grumblings about how lonely he felt at home. He was the one who made Luhan feel beautiful and smart despite being one of the students who barely passed high school and college.

Sehun was the one who tutored him even if the Chinese male had difficulty understanding the simplest concepts on their subjects. He was even the one who waited for Luhan to finish his remedial classes every Friday. He even bought the deer his favorite foods to cheer him up and make him feel special.

Sehun was the one who accompanied Luhan in finding a job, even if there was no person in his right mind who took an idiot like him in as a translator. He was the one who went with Luhan to Minseok, Luhan's good friend, to ask for a job in the eldest's café because Luhan was so eager to work and was not contented at the thought of staying like a damsel in their shared apartment. Luhan did not want to feel that Sehun was above him, even if he knew that was the truth. He wanted to at least prove himself that he may not be as bright as Sehun, but he could manage to support the two of them, too.

Sehun treated him like he was made of glass. He never hurt Luhan. Whenever they were making love, Sehun was always gentle and took things slowly just like how Luhan wanted. He never moved unless Luhan adjusted, and he never was rough unless Luhan asked for it. Whether Sehun lacked kinks or he was suppressing his urges in fear of triggering Luhan's memories of being hit by his stepfather, Luhan was thankful that he never experienced any spank or humiliation. As boring as it sounded, both of them were contented by succumbing to vanilla since day one, treating the act merely as another way of connecting with each other's soul.

Lastly, Sehun endured all the and unnecessary angst Luhan had for the past year. He never once laid a hand on Luhan. The elder barely fought the younger; Luhan did not know where Sehun got such patience and tolerance. The Chinese male knew to himself that if he was in Sehun’s shoes, he would walk out of his lover’s life.

But no. Sehun could never do that... not at least before their major fight took place. Luhan knew that his beloved would throw his own life on the line just for the deer. Despite being aware of this, Luhan was still afraid. He was constantly denying it, but the reality was that his hidden fears of being not good enough and being replaced got awaken since he lost his job… his pride.

There were a lot of gorgeous men and women in Sehun's workplace while he, Lu Han, the shameful stepson of the filthy rich Mr. Choi who never brought anything good to the family, was a hopeless bum not given a chance to prove his abilities in his chosen career. Who would want a Chinese male who barely passed his college semesters for a difficult job such as being a translator? Maybe, he won't even be accepted as an office boy because of his incompetence and lack of common sense.

He could only be jealous of Minki. His younger half-brother had always been the golden child of the family, and most of the time, he felt like his mama and step baba loved the younger more. Who would not love Minki? The boy looked similar to Luhan, only that the younger was bestowed with more intelligence, confidence and riches that Luhan never had back in his early years.

Luhan loved Minki dearly; it was just that he felt sorry to himself that he could do nothing for his family—not even his own mother—to be proud of him. Who cared if Luhan excelled in ball games? Who cared if he had the voice of an angel? The world was searching for professionals, and he was sure that even if he took the path of an athlete or an entertainer, his naïve self would not be able to survive the pressure and need to be the best.

While he was wallowing in self-pity over his soon-to-be-broken relationship, Minki was busy running his own fashion clothing line firm in Paris, designing for celebrities hither and thither. Mr. Choi was busy paving the way for his own flesh and blood to be a successor of the company, and Luhan’s mother was occupied with her own responsibilities in the company.

Maybe that was why Luhan's real baba left him and his mama; maybe he was fed up with how useless and frail Luhan was. Probably, the sight of his only son looking like a complete sissy weakling disgusted Mr. Lu to no end that he did not think twice flying back to China.

Oh Sehun. He was no different. Sehun was an achiever. Sehun was surrounded by people who had excellent degrees and exemplary grades in college while Luhan was a hopeless case. Sehun was constantly mingling with the higher ups and he was the definition of a self-made man. He did not need any material resources like Luhan to survive the world. When there seemed to be no way, Sehun made one. When the world was against Sehun, the zealous, determined male committed himself to his dreams and fought his way to the things he achieved now. He did not let his pitiful social condition get on his way to become an aspiring civil engineer and that made Luhan feel smaller.

Luhan thought that being himself was enough; but no. Losing the only job who accepted him was enough to trample on his pride and made himself feel unworthy of Sehun’s affection. He wanted to let him go but he could not. He loved his best friend and lover way too much that it came to the point that he was losing himself.

Their last fight proved that Sehun could leave him anytime he wanted. Apparently, Sehun woke up from the illusion that Luhan was an angel. Probably, his lover was now aware that he deserved someone way better and that Luhan was not the only beauty in this world. Maybe, Sehun was never coming back, too fed up to deal with Luhan and his stupid insecurities.

Luhan planned to go abroad; maybe throw himself in the middle of the warzone to end his life. He planned to go to the highest tower—maybe even a mountain—not minding if he was terribly scared of heights. All he wanted to do was to jump, die, and forget the pain he inflicted on himself and Sehun.

But how could he do that? He knew that he did not want to spend his last breath thinking that Sehun hates him. Add in the fact that majority of his money was in Sehun’s bank account, and that Luhan did not have the card on hand. All he had were some cash that he could use to make his disconsolate self spent and worse than his current state.

He bought a few cans of beer, drowned himself in despair as he danced to obnoxiously loud music. He did not worry if a neighbor knocks on the door to remind him how he was not alone in this world and that he was disturbing the others’ peaceful lives. He did not mind that he looked crazy, moving his limbs off beat in the middle of their fancy apartment, singing off tune to the senseless music reverberating in the whole house. He did not care if he was waking up with nerve-wracking hangovers for the past two days and that he was basically consuming alcohol and coffee in those days.

He could only grasp the fact that Sehun walked out of the door that day without even looking back, leaving Luhan heartbroken and devastated.

Why did he turn out like this? How did everything became a mess? What had gotten into Luhan’s crazy mind that he unknowingly pushed Sehun away?

Was it worth giving a try to fix their relationship? Did he still stand a chance after every single hurtful jab and word he gave Sehun’s fragile heart?

Luhan had enough. On the last few hours of the third day that Sehun was away, he struggled to pull his limbs up. He fixed the unbelievable mess he made in the past three days, put everything in order and made sure to dispose his trash in the bins. He got himself ready for a trip, randomly throwing some pair of clothes in his bag. He washed his face, not bothering to shower despite being the neat freak he was. He slipped in mismatching clothes, too depressed to even bother being the fashion guru he had always been. He grabbed his wallet without counting the amount of cash inside. He got his phone and bag, dashed out of the house and ran to the nearest bus stop.

Once aboard, curled to the farthest corner of the bus, he started listening to heart-wrenching ballads that he would not do in any other ordinary day. He covered himself with his hoodie, letting the sad music boom through his earphones as tears started streaming down his face. He was far too immersed in the thoughts of Oh Sehun’s whereabouts that he did not bother answering the concerned question of his seatmate.

Luhan had been sobbing uncontrollably, not making any efforts to hush it despite the disapproving glares of the other passengers. He was looking out of the window, his mind drifting off to where his heart belonged.

Was Sehun eating? Was Sehun sleeping a blink during the days that he was away from Luhan? Was Sehun in a club, partying, hooking up and drinking his worries away? Was Sehun also in the same state as him: drained, despondent, lonely, broken?

He got off the bus a couple of hours later, setting foot once again to the place where he first met the love of his life. The dawn’s breeze made his body shiver, and how he hoped that Sehun was there, warming him up with his tender loving touches and soothing voice.

He was crying on his way to the nearest motel, his hand barely grasping his bag in sheer exhaustion. He was tired. He was tired of crying, making himself wasted, remembering all the pain that he himself started. He groggily took the keys from the receptionist, and trudged upstairs to the only room available.

The next morning, he woke up with an incessant pounding inside his head. Maybe it was the carryover of his abuse to his body in the past days. He went out of the motel and searched for the most decent eatery in the place in hopes of calming his raging stomach. He walked further, and he saw a set of canopies with chairs and tables, which were mostly empty because it was a goddamn early hour.

There were two people on the line, and he joined in, looking at the colorful menu to choose whatever food suited his taste and limited cash. Though, everything seemed to be in a blur because of his dizzying headache. It was a high-pitched voice that made his head snap up.

“Are you Sehun’s boyfriend?” A cheery male who seemed to be in his early thirties greeted him, and he nodded without even thinking.

“Oh, as I have wondered!” Soon, two hands were pinching his face, with the smaller male squealing right on the deer’s face.

"Ouch, mister,” Luhan squirmed, trying his best to recall the elder gushing on how cute he was. “It hurts.”

“Don’t you remember me?” The elder asked with a pout, and if it was not because of his name tag, Luhan would not remember. “Byun Baekhyun... Oh, Mr. Byun! The ‘kkaebsong’ guy who always gave me ice cream when I was young!”

“Thank goodness,” Baekhyun withdrew his hands from the younger male and patted his chest in relief. “At least you remembered me! Sehunnie had the audacity to step in this place without recognizing me. That jerk.”

“Sehun?” Luhan’s eyes protruded, unconsciously backing away from the elder male. “H-He went here?”

“Yup,” the elder nonchalantly answered, “he is in town. Well um, I am not sure when he would leave. I just know that he would come here in a few minutes for breakfast.”

“What!? Right now?” Panic was written on Luhan’s face, and before Baekhyun could babble about how long he talked with Sehun, the younger Chinese boy was out of sight.

“Hey, Lu, uh… Luhan? Luhaen? Yeah. Whatever. Luhaeeeeeen! Wait! Aren’t you going to order? Your favorite pork ribs is currently being grilled!”

Luhan ran. He knew that he was not ready to face Sehun yet. Sehun could not see him in such an ugly state. He could not face Sehun yet with his mind unclear and disorganized as this. That would certainly only lead to a fight that would probably end their relationship for real.

He did not know what to tell Sehun yet. Tell Sehun that he did not want to do this anymore? He could never lie about not wanting Sehun. Tell him that he was sorry? Would Sehun even believe that crap after everything Luhan did? Promise not to show his face after that? He could not certainly live a day knowing that Sehun was happy with not seeing him anymore.

He gradually slowed down, his tired legs finally coming to a halt as his foot hit something rather hard. He stumbled on the ground, wincing in pain and annoyance together with a series of curses.

His eyes fell at the sight before him, and he gaped upon realization of where he was.

"Sandbox..." Luhan murmured under his breath while scanning his surroundings.

It was the playground where everything started.

Before Luhan knew it, he was staring down at a small boy crouching down on the sandbox. His clothes were a bit muddy for some reason, and his face could not be seen because his curled fists were covering his eyes.

It was a rainy day, and the sky was dark and roaring. The kid seemed not to care about the heavy pelts of the downpour drenching his small body by the manner he just pulled his folded knees closer to his chest and buried his face on them.

Luhan did not know why, but he was not feeling any wetness on his skin.

By the looks of it, the boy with curly, fluffy hair was crying. His narrow shoulders were shaking with every sniffle, and Luhan quickly felt compassion for the boy. He crouched down the boy's level, intending to pat the poor creature's head, but his hand just slipped past the boy that he realized was probably an apparition.

Soon, he heard a series of hurried steps from the left. Luhan craned his head towards the direction of the sound, and his eyes widened in shock once he saw who was coming.

'Sehunnie?' Luhan blinked at the younger version of his lover who was immediately running to the crying boy with an umbrella. The boy was holding an umbrella larger than his slender frame, which was pretty useless to be very honest, because the weight of the umbrella and the strong winds were causing it to sway backwards, making Sehun’s front wet.

Even from afar, Luhan could already tell that it was indeed Sehun. No matter how much Sehun turned from a lanky, spoiled child to the muscled gentleman he grew to be, Luhan could never forget those set of piercing eyes that always saw through the Chinese male's soul.

Sehun with the baby cheeks and fats or Sehun with a sharp jawline and slender body; Sehun with his cold, calculating stare or his gentle, beautiful crescents, Luhan still knew the familiar warmth emanating from Sehun’s being.

That was the very reason Luhan fell for him anyway.

"Luhan?" A young Sehun asked, his usually cold, distant orbs turning into warm ones while hurriedly covering the shivering boy with a coat he brought with him.

The adult Luhan gasped at the sight of his younger self raising his head to meet the concerned gaze of his former classmate in kindergarten. The older Luhan trembled as all the painful memories of his childhood came rushing by, which somehow started going away since that very day in the rain.

"Shixun?" Luhan blinked at the taller guy who was now on his eye level, holding a wide brimmed umbrella larger than his frame. "W-What is Xun doing here?"

Sehun, knowing that the boy had trouble with the accent chose not to correct Luhan about his name. "Shouldn't Sehunnie be the one to ask Luhan that?" Sehun furrowed his eyebrows at the drenched male, worry evident on his small face. "Sehunnie left something important in the sandbox, so he came to get it. Sehunnie did not know that Luhannie is here."

"Sh-Shixun means this?" Luhan fumbled something from his pocket, and when he showed it to Sehun, a bracelet came to view. Sehun could not bring himself to care about it though; all he saw was Luhan blinking at him with big, swollen eyes. The boy's body was shivering, an in a brilliant Sehun's mind, he could tell that Luhan was sitting there for a long time.

"Why is Luhan even here?" Sehun inquired, reaching for Luhan's forehead with his free hand, only to find it burning. "Luhannie's hot! Luhan should be resting in his house instead of being here!"

"Luhannie wanted to play," the Chinese boy explained, causing the adult version of himself to feel his heart crushing at the memory.

"Luhannie cannot play when there were other kids here. They do not want Luhan to play with them because Luhan is a lowly Chinese. Luhan is different. They dislike Luhan because he is weak and girly. Luhan can only sit on the sandbox because they do not want Luhan to play with them at the slide or the swing or the see-saw or everywhere." The young boy's face fell once again, eyes shedding a new set of tears. "Now Luhannie is alone and can enjoy everything by himself. But why does he still feel sad? Luhan's chest hurts more than a boo-boo does."

"Hannie..." Sehun trailed off, not knowing what to say at such a young age. Luhan, who was crying once again, lamented on how much he felt.

"They hate Luhan because Luhan is different. They laugh at Luhan’s accent. They hurt Luhan. They do not even want to talk with Luhan. It makes Luhan sad but he cannot do anything,” the smaller boy wailed, throwing his arms in the air in distress. “No one loves Hannie, maybe not even mama.”

Luhan watched as his younger self sobbed, rubbing his eyes with his tiny fists to stop his tears but to no avail. It almost made Luhan laugh on how much he was trying to be manly ever since he was a child, but his chuckle died down his throat as he watched Sehun reaching for little Luhan’s closed fist.

Little Luhan looked up in surprise at the sudden grasp on his hand. He opened his hand as Sehun wanted him to do, and the taller of the two got the bracelet from Luhan’s hand. Little Luhan tried to pull back his hand, but Little Sehun held it tight. He slipped the bracelet on his classmate’s dainty wrist, making Luhan forget his cries. The deer wore a confused expression, tilting his head to the side as a silent question.

Sehun was quick to understand the gesture and he said, “Sehunnie was so afraid to lose that. Sehunnie asked eomma to buy that because Sehunnie wanted to give it to Luhannie.”

“Me? For me?” The doe-eyed child blinked, his big eyes fixed on Sehun’s chocolate brown ones. The child nodded, gulping the lump that formed in his throat at a feeling he did not know before was nervousness. “Mmm. A friendship bracelet.”

“F-Friendship bracelet?” Luhan gaped at the taller child who was patiently holding the heavy umbrella in the middle of the rain. “B-But Shixun, we are not—“

“Sehunnie wanted to lie, but eomma said that only bad boys lie.” A tiny, bashful smile appeared on the boy’s usually stoic features. He felt his face heating up for an unknown reason as he confessed what his mind was screaming. “Sehunnie wanted to befriend Luhannie since Lulu came to the neighborhood and school but Lulu kept on going home early.”

Luhan noticed how his younger self grew flustered, maybe because of the new nickname that Sehun gave him, or because of the surprising revelation that the kindergarten’s golden child wanted to befriend someone who seemed an odd peasant.

‘Am I that cute when I was a child?’ Luhan giggled, watching himself stare in astonishment at Sehun.

“Shixun? Befriend Luhannie?” Little Luhan asked, to which Little Sehun profusely nodded.

“Yes! Luhannie is so pretty and cute. Luhan looks like a little deer, a fairy, an angel… even a flower! Luhannie has the kindest face Shixun ever saw. Lulu even looked prettier than the girls in class. But of course, eomma is still more beautiful.” Sehun frowned, thinking if what he said made sense to the other child. “Sehunnie was just too shy to approach Luhan.”

“Shixun, what are you doing?” The deer inquired when he felt himself being dragged upwards until he stood on his wobbly feet.

Sehun answered with a roll of his eyes that was totally not normal for mannered children like him. “Duh, Sehunnie is taking Lulu back at Lulu’s home.”

“But mama and baba are not yet home,” a teary Luhan replied, “Luhan is afraid of being alone.”

“Then why is Lulu alone here?” Sehun continued dragging the pretty boy while trying his best to balance the umbrella on his other hand. “Come home with Sehunnie. There are lots of food that Sehunnie wants to share with his new friend! Well, Sehunnie has a few toys, but still, eomma cooks the best! Luhannie will like it there!”

“But Shixun…” The deer tried to protest, but the spoiled Korean child was relentlessly pulling Luhan with him. “Sehun will take care of Luhan. Lulu is sick! Luhannie cannot get sick. Luhannie cannot die yet! Luhannie still has to play with Sehunnie!”

The vision faded once footsteps were heard from the side of the road. Luhan turned his head and saw students, probably a group of friends, walking together towards the direction of a school. The uniform was oddly familiar to Luhan, and once realization struck him, his feet led him towards the group of students to ask about their school.

“Yes, that is our school, mister,” one guy answered at Luhan's question, “are you going there?”

“I am an alumnus there, and it has been like… seven years since I last stepped in there. Can I follow you through the way?”

Walking towards their school was nostalgic for Luhan. Indeed, the paved roads were a lot better than the rocky pathway he used to walk on. There were even vehicles passing the vicinity unlike their time, but the sweet memories of walking down the streets with Sehun every single school day lingered at the back of his mind.

That road was where they talked about random things, such as how this teacher was merciless in giving tasks, about that one classmate who shamelessly kissed an upperclassman in the cafeteria, the cat that was terribly noisy the night before, how Minki injured his foot during a PE class, how horrible the recipe Sehun tried turned out to be, and a lot of trivial stuff that meant a lot to Luhan. They fought, they shouted at each other and hurled each other immature, childish arguments on that very pathway. Still, Luhan could remember going to school together even when they were in their usual petty fights, with a large gap separating the two of them, of course.

On that very road, they talked about each other’s dreams. They told each other of the deepest secrets of their souls while walking back to the neighborhood. Most of their playful bantering and bonding during the busy examination days happened on that street. They even had their first kiss on that road, under an umbrella during a heavy downpour.

All of the forgotten memories came rushing back in Luhan’s mind, making him wonder how long Sehun and him were sharing their lives together. How could he forget of the times that they sat under the old oak tree in their school’s garden, telling each other of their dreams for their future? How could he bury the memory of reading a book together in the library, giggling to themselves for reasons only them could understand? How could he not remember how they fooled around, struggled through the hectic high school life and survived, because they were there for each other?

Was it because they were preoccupied with major matters that they forgot how sweet and pure their love for each other was? Were they taking the other's presence for granted that they failed to maintain the romance and joy they embraced for years? Was life crushing them to their limits that they started worrying about their own lives way too much?

Was Sehun even at fault? Was there really a problem, or did everything stem from the irrational fear of being replaced that led Luhan to the path of gradual self-destruction? Did Luhan turn into a monster that was tearing their relationship apart? Was he starting to chase Sehun away by clinging too much on him?

"I will give you the moon and the stars if I can, Xiao Lu." A teenage Sehun said while gazing up to the night sky. They were having an overnight camping on the school grounds for some recreational activity the student council president of that year insisted on having, despite the strict school’s initial disapproval. The two could not sleep a blink, so they slipped off their respective tents once their groupmates were snoring