"...just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again..."

----

It was the same old story.

They would wake up, have a chaotic breakfast, be mad at each other for the rest of the day—sometimes even a week, make up, and repeat the same process.

"I am tired, Han.” The words were whispered in the softest voice Sehun’s dry throat could make, but they echoed like a death sentence to the other presence who was sitting on the bed. Sehun sat on floor, leaning against the wall, feeling exhausted from their fight. His hair was shaggy from pulling them in frustration, opting to hurt himself rather than the most precious person he treasured more than his own life.

Sweat covered his exposed forearms, which were lined with scratches that Luhan inflicted him again that day in fits of anger. They stung, but Sehun was numb from everything, except the excruciating pain of his crying heart. Sehun's eyes were bloodshot, and his overall state reflected how distressed he was at the endless cycles of quarrels they have almost every day. Their falling-outs were getting more and more often than the times of peace, and no one could deny it anymore…

They were gradually falling apart.

"I cannot do this anymore. You are hurting me and I am hurting you. Your jealousy fits are overwhelming me so much. I endured everything, but I do not think I can do it anymore. You never listened to me. I am tired, Han."

A perplexed Luhan looked up from the hands that were covering his face. He stared at his soulless lover staring at nothing in particular, and his insides wallowed with guilt, knowing that he was the sole cause of Sehun’s despair. Sehun's empty eyes reflected all the pain that the beholder had inside, and how Luhan wished to take back everything he did just to see the beautiful shine in them once again.

"You do not trust me at all. It is as if you are constantly doubting me even if you know how much I love you." Sehun added, his fists clenching on his sides, the internal anguish making it harder for him to speak. His mind was a muddled mess, and his lips quivered in an attempt to get the words out of his throat. Though, tears were not falling anymore, having been exhausted from the endless gush of his emotions moments ago. "I do not know why you turned into someone like that… You changed a lot, Luhan. We were happy. We were always on top of the world because we have each other. But what happened? I do not know where I went wrong. I do not know why you are always accusing me of cheating and flirting and of things that you know to yourself I can never do. You are doubting me even if I tried my best in the past decade proving how much I value you. You are hurting me so much, Luhan. More than you can ever imagine."

"Aren't you hurting me right now?" Luhan sniffled, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. He was hurting; each and every word that left Sehun’s lips stabbed straight to Luhan’s heart. "Aren't you crushing my heart by what you are saying?"

Before Luhan could add anything, Sehun had cut him off by a hushed yet piercing answer. "You and I know that you are the one hurting me and yourself. All I did was love and understand you through the years. The only fault I had was that I loved you way too much… Way too much for you to forget how to respect me and consider what I feel."

Luhan choked on that, knowing that it was true. His mind was too wrapped up at the thought of holding onto Sehun that unknowingly, he was grasping his lover way too tight for Sehun to drift away. He continued staring at Sehun, who just looked ahead with a disconsolate glint in his eyes. Luhan opened his lips, finally asking the question that tortured him to no end. "I-Is this our end? A-Are you re-really... breaking up with me? Are you giving up on me, Sehun?"

Sehun fought the urge to meet his teary lover's eyes, knowing that just one stare through those penetrating doe eyes would make the resolve his mind had set crumble. He closed his eyes, heaving a deep sigh as he shook his head. "I cannot do that. I love you damn so ing much and I do not want you to let go. I cannot imagine what my life would be without you."

There was a big pause, and Luhan felt like he was hanging on a cliff as he awaited for the words that carved deep in his heart it hurts.

So, so much.

"Maybe we need a cool off. Maybe we need a break. This cannot work this way, Han. We should talk this out when we are not angry anymore."

Work was hard for Sehun but Luhan, his endless source of support and joy, never failed to make everything feel better like he had some sort of magic. His boyfriend used to be the sweetest thing on earth, giving him massages and making him honeyed water every time he went home. He was always welcomed by a set of thin but cozy arms and loving kisses while he was ushered to the dining room to have a meal together.

Luhan's cooking skills were not as good as Sehun's mother, but every ounce of love and effort in the dish was enough to satisfy Sehun's tastebuds. The way Luhan asked him how his day went was enough for Sehun to unwind and forget the day's worries. Luhan's cuddles always relieved the burden on Sehun's shoulders, and his warm, soothing voice and touches made Sehun drift to dreamland in no time. Luhan was his refuge, a safe haven he would always come running after at the end of the day.

Sehun did not know when and where everything started going downhill. Things changed right after their tenth anniversary which was also the third year Sehun started working. Luhan was never the same after he lost his job at the café he was working at. The café was sold for the owner's wedding, and there Luhan was, stripped with the sense of pride of helping in providing them their daily needs.

Since then, Luhan did not get any job. The deer drowned into misery and insecurities that Sehun tried to replace with all the tender loving care he could shower his lover with. Still, Luhan remained devastated. Sure, he stopped sobbing unlike the first week but he had been making life harder for Sehun. Luhan, without fail, demanded an explanation from Sehun when the latter went home late from work. He always caused a dispute, citing names of various office workers that he knew were close with Sehun, thinking that Sehun had some kind of affair with any of them. At first, it was cute that Luhan was showing some possessiveness, something that the deer never manifested in the past ten years. But as months drew on, it went overboard. It even went to the point where Luhan was clinging on Sehun just for his lover not to go to work. During his jealousy fits, he hurt Sehun to no end, screaming all kinds of painful accusations, punching Sehun’s chest and scratching him.

Sehun endured each and every jab, not wanting to hurt his lover in any way. He raised his voice but Luhan would not listen. He held Luhan's wrists to restrain him, but the smaller male took it as an offense and just kicked harder.

What was tiring was that Sehun was always the one who said 'sorry' even if it was Luhan who was being irrational. He always cooed and pursued his boyfriend, spoiling him to no end until he was 'forgiven.' Just when he thought everything was okay, Luhan would find any issue to bring up, thus, repeating the agonizing cycle again.

Sehun had his own fair share of jealous moments especially because his lover was an alluring masterpiece of a creature that could make anybody bow down before his beauty. The only difference between them was that Sehun was secured enough to understand that Luhan loved him dearly. He knew that Luhan would never betray him, and if ever Luhan wanted to end whatever they had, he would tell Sehun and not cheat.

It hurt to know that Luhan did not have the same trust for Sehun.

Was it the lack of ample time together that caused them to drift apart? Did it make Luhan think that he was not valuable and sufficient enough? But Sehun was trying. He was trying to juggle everything. He was trying to make Luhan special in their little time together. He was just doing this for their future... for Luhan to be happy. To fulfill his promise to give Luhan everything in this world...

Then why? Why was Luhan like this?

Sehun did not know how he endured such pain for almost eleven months, and that he only exploded at that certain day. Luhan dared to answer Sehun's phone call from an office worker who was just going to inform him about an upcoming seminar. Sehun, who was just preheating dinner overheard Luhan shouting accusations at the female over the phone, and that was the last straw. The Lord knew how much Sehun wanted to hit Luhan for making him an embarrassment, but Sehun was sane enough to punch the wall instead. For the first time, Sehun talked back. They screamed and yelled hurtful words at each other, which ended with Sehun's proposition of a separate vacation.

They were indeed in the verge of breaking up.

Sehun headed anywhere his car could take him. He did not care if he got lost; he did not care if he did not know where his mind was leading him. He just wanted to be away from their apartment, which he could once call home with Luhan in it. He took five days off despite his boss’s protests, wanting to sort himself out. He needed to think, to clear his head, to contemplate about the situation without any distractions. This was one of the major decisions that he would do in his life, and he wanted to make sure that it would certainly be the right thing to do, even if it would hurt him and Luhan.

He did not know how he ended in a lone town with barely any citizens in it. The town was quiet, even ghostly quiet that it somewhat freaked Sehun out. As he was walking, everything seemed to be coming back to him. Meddling with the brand-new buildings were familiar establishments that changed the slightest, but were still in their old glory. Only some people were present on the streets. Some women—some of them oddly familiar to Sehun—were holding basins with piles of dirty clothes, making Sehun think that they were probably taking water from somewhere else or maybe to a laundry shop. A few of them were casually strolling, wearing school uniforms that Sehun would never forget in a million years. A handful of them were wearing professional clothes, rushing towards the direction of the subway station near the parking lot Sehun dropped off.

He continued dragging his luggage, his wandering eyes scanning the panoramic view of the place he once considered his home. He saw his old house—now an abode of a happy family of three—along the way to the motel he would lodge in. No matter how his old house aged, he could still tell it apart from all the other buildings in their old town.

How could he not? There in that house, the happiest memories of his childhood had taken place. His late parents made that small bungalow a home, making him know what love really was. Right beside it was a forlorn view of a two-storey house which was currently for sale. It still looked lonely and cold as ever, just like how Luhan felt when he was still dwelling in that mansion.

That was one of the many reasons he befriended Luhan anyway; the gloomy boy felt deprived of love since his younger brother who seemed perfect in everything came along.

Sehun finally reached a cheap motel located at the middle of the town and decided to have a daylong rest first. He spent the night contemplating about a lot of things, like how and why the hell he came back to their godforsaken hometown, and how to patch up things with his boyfriend.

He did not realize that his glassy eyes were shedding tears until he drifted to sleep.

The male woke up at about ten in the morning, which was something he never did during his three years of working. He always rose at an early hour every working day partly because he needed to be present at his workplace early and partly because he wanted to join Luhan in breakfast even if they always ended up quarreling over the table.

Despite sleeping for more than twelve hours, Sehun did not feel refreshed at all. He was not used waking to a cold, cramped bed without a certain deer clinging on him for his dear life. It did not certainly help that the weather at that time was chilly from the autumn breeze signaling the coming of winter.

He always woke up to the smell of Luhan’s hair, whose owner always came back to bed to snuggle with Sehun even after making breakfast. Sehun missed Luhan’s beautiful smile while mumbling a tiny ‘good morning’ followed with a kiss, and sometimes, when it was still early, a good morning booster of sweet love making. Sehun was definitely not used to the empty feeling inside his chest that only his angel could fill and satisfy.

Somehow, he was thinking if his decision was right, but he did not want to be hurt anymore. He probably sheltered and spoiled Luhan a little bit more than what he intended, making the Chinese male think that Sehun would always lightly deal with the pain Luhan was inflicting on him. Or maybe, Sehun was a bad boyfriend. Maybe his lack of time for Luhan made the latter insecure of himself to the point of no return. Maybe Sehun was not giving Luhan the love he needed, was ignoring his efforts and was dense enough not to realize how Luhan was hurting—

“God, Oh Sehun,” the Korean male sighed, looking down on the warm water flowing down the icy tiles of the bathroom. “You are beating yourself again. Relax. Think. Be logical. Be rational.”

Sehun dried himself with a towel, dressed himself up in a worn out green turtleneck, dark jeans and a blue beanie. He almost forgot to grab his coat that he wore the day before due to rushing. He made sure that his wallet was fat enough to buy his late loved ones a decent amount of flowers, just like what he faithfully did for the past years.

Once he bought two bouquets of carnations from a nearby flower shop, he rode a bus to the local cemetery. It still made Sehun upset how he was not able to choose a better burial place due to his lack of money when he was still a student, but as he was walking down the cemetery path to his parents’ graves, he was overcame with intense grief and guilt.

“I am sorry, eomma, appa… that I failed to come to your birthdays this year due to my business trips. Dad, I am sorry that I did not give you a sufficient feast on your death anniversary. Gosh, now, I am even late for mom’s death anniversary and I have nothing to offer but flowers. I have no excuse other than the fact that Luhan and I were breaking apart and I was finishing a big project the boss entrusted me… that I, well, dumped to an officemate because I am currently a mess. See? Luhan is not even with me this time.” Sehun laid the bouquets on front of each parents’ graves and gave them respect by bowing on the ground.

Sehun went on telling about his chaotic lifestyle and how he was having trouble understanding how Luhan’s mind works. He talked and talked despite knowing that no one would answer his grumblings and pleas for help. He felt the burden inside him lightening even just by a little, and after about an hour of bonding with his loved ones, he bid them goodbye.

He walked back to the path where the bus passes, a morose and sullen expression present on his face. He was about to get there but then, something from the corner of his eye caught his attention.

A strikingly purple petal came flying to his direction, leaving a whiff of fragrance that Sehun’s heart remembered. He looked at the east, and he was dumbstruck to see a line of lavenders blooming in lines. Curiosity got the best out of Sehun and instead of hailing the upcoming bus, he ran towards the direction of the flower patch.

He was left speechless once he saw rows and rows of flowers of different species extending to the other side of the cemetery. His mind could recognize the place, but he could not tell what significance it had to his life.

He walked further through the patches, and time seemed to stop once his gaze landed on rows of yellow.

It was like the frozen memories melted into a clear picture of what they used to be.

"Shixun! Shixun!" A bright, child-like voice rang in Sehun's ears, causing him to look back. A boy with curly hair and doe-like eyes was running towards the middle of the meadows, where a boy who was plucking flowers looked up to see his playmate.

"Hannie!" The other boy grinned with his pearly whites and his cold eyes crinkling into warm crescents. Realization dawned to Sehun once the effeminate boy collided with the taller one, tackling him down the ground with a bear hug.

The mispronunciation of his name, the loving bear hugs that he received and the shy pecks his cheeks were bestowed upon all reminded him of his childhood with the only boy he loved in his life. The melodious laughter, the squeaky voice and the beautiful singing in a foreign language...

Luhan.

"Sorry, Hannie was late," the seven year old kid pouted at the boy who was pulling his hand towards the yellow streaks of flowers. "Mama told Hannie to take care of Minki while mama was cooking."

"It is okay, Xiao Lu," replied Little Sehun who was clasping a bunch of sunflowers on his left hand. "We both know how important your brother is more than anything."

"But Hannie loves Shixun more," the young deer commented, making a young Sehun halt on his movements.

"I love Minki and baba too, but I think I love Shixun a little bit more," the Chinese boy clarified, not minding that Sehun was not staring back at him. "Shixun comes to the level that I love mama, and I won't mind giving Shixun the only choco pie I have now."

Little Sehun turned to the sound of a plastic wrapper being ripped open, and saw Luhan holding the package of the sweet treat with one hand while his teeth tore it.

"Chocolate?" Sehun beamed at the sight of his favorite treat and Luhan profusely grinned, showing his incomplete set of teeth. "Hannie just had his tooth plucked out, so Hannie wants Sehun to eat it instead."

An adult Sehun watched from a distance, a smile playing on his lips while watching the two kids feed each other.

"This is Hannie's favorite place," Luhan began once they settled on the grassy lands. His doe-like eyes scanned the colorful surroundings around him, which were lush greens decorated with specks of different hues. "Hannie loves the flowers so much, especially sunflowers!" A giggle escaped his lips as his bright, shining eyes locked with the streak of yellow flowers in the middle of the meadows. “Hannie is so thankful that Shixun showed this to him. Hannie loves this place! Hannie loves this just like how Hannie loves Sh—“

"F-For you," Sehun handed him the bunch of sunflowers in his hand, to which Luhan tilted his head in surprise. "For me? Shixun picked them for me?"

‘I forgot that Luhan could be this cute,’ the adult Sehun thought while smiling to himself.

"We know that this is not allo