Love is confusing. Especially at a younger age, when you're faced with different types of love. Platonic, familial, romantic, and the other forms it takes. And even each of those have their nuances. Romantic can simply be a crush, infatuation, lust, and "real" love, whatever that may be. Nuances. So many nuances. And it's not like people will explain it to you. Because everyone has a different way of seeing love. To some, "real" love doesn't exist. It's merely chemicals in your brain. To others, love and lust are the same. And some believe in the all consuming, pure "true love". People will equate jealousy and possessiveness to love. They'll tell you that there is someone out there, a soulmate, you can't live without. That sacrificing your physical, emotional and mental health for someone is the ultimate form of love. Or that love isn't worth it and you should have fun, because is the pinnacle of joy a human can experience.

   Zhang Yixing didn't know what to believe. He did believe he was in love. But he didn't know how to explain it. Part of him was afraid he was more in love with the concept. Because when he saw Junmyeon and Yifan holding hands, he felt no jealousy. He liked to see Yifan seeming happier than ever. More trusting. And he liked to see Junmyeon feel safe with someone. He looked more relaxed. Sometimes he felt like a ert for watching them laughing together, even if his only emotion on the moment was fondness. Maybe he just wanted the same thing as them. Find someone who balanced out his flaws and made him feel loved. But whenever he made that affirmation, it felt wrong. As if the little bell than rang in his head when something sounded true, was suddenly muffled and unable to ring clearly. In the end, figuring it out didn't really matter anymore. The two people he loved most, in whichever way it was, were happy and supported. So he stayed silent and by their side.

 

"What should we watch?" Junmyeon asked, as the three of them sat on the couch in his house. He had turned the TV on and was browsing through the movies and series.

   "I'm sick of movies," Yifan said, feet up on the coffee table and arm around his boyfriend. "We always watch movies. It's boring."

   "But we'd planned this," Junmyeon complained, huffing and turning to frown at him. "What else are we going to do?"

   "Ah, I don't know," Fan sighed, moving his arm from his shoulders and stretching. "I just know that if we watch something now, Yixing is going to fall asleep again and I'll get bored."  Yixing began to laugh, not denying that he did feel drowsy. He'd had been up late for the past... years, to be honest. But the past week had been a bit harder on him at work.

   "Bored? But the movies I pick are great!" Junmyeon pouted, crossing his arm. "Fine, fine. What do you want to do?"

   "We could take a walk," Yixing offered, always up to spend some time in the park with his friends. They turned to him and Yifan shrugged.

   "I don't see why not. We can grab some drinks too. I'm up for it." Junmyeon seemed to hesitate. He glanced at the TV screen, were a movie he had been wanting to watch was taunting him. Finally he stood up. He couldn't say no to spending time with them. He turned the TV off and threw the controller onto the table.

   "Fine, let's go."

 

Junmyeon and Yifan walked in front, as the side walk was only wide enough for two. Yixing tagged along behind, occasionally skipping. His mood was very high today, as the weather was pleasant and he was spending time with them. After a while, Junmyeon looked back at him and frowned.

   "You don't feel lonely back there?" he asked and Yixing laughed.

   "No, no. I don't mind," he shook his head and gave them a big smile.

   "We can squeeze you in, I'm sure," Yifan said and he reached back, pulling Yixing forwards. Lodged between the two, he felt his heart beat accelerate.

   "There!" giggled Junmyeon, reaching an arm around him to try and hold them both. "I always feel like we leave you out."

   "Not at all," he reassured him. "I like watching the two of you being cute." That came out wrong and his cheeks flushed. He felt Yifan freeze against him and immediately tried to slip out  from between them, embarrassed. But Fan gripped his shoulder tighter and let out a laugh.

   "Cute? I'm offended."

   "I didn't mean it like that!" Yixing tried to justify himself, face burning up.

   "Fan Fan, he finds us cute," teased the other man and Xing was really on the verge of digging himself a hole in the ground and disappearing.

   "I just mean that you were a cute couple," he said quickly and Yifan shoved his head affectionately, letting out a small laugh. A few months ago, he might have had a very different response to such a comment, but his relationship really had changed him. No more comments were made, to Xing's delight and they simply walked down silently until they reached the park.

   "We don't spend enough time outside together," commented Junmyeon after they had sat down under one of the trees. "But, what now?"

   "We relax. The weather is nice," Yifan said, leaning back and placing a hand on his boyfriend's thigh.

 

Yixing didn't realise he'd fallen asleep until he was awoken by the low hum of Fan's voice against his ear. It slowly pulled him from his nap and he blinked his eyes open. Two jackets had been thrown over him to keep him warm. It was an autumn weather. The sun shone, but the breeze was cooling. He gratefully handed them back to his two friends, touched.

   "Apparently you were going to fall asleep no matter what we did," Fan joked and Yixing lifted his head from the shoulder against which he'd been leaning.

   "I'm sorry," he said with a yawn. "I didn't mean to doze off on you."

   "It's okay," chimed the third man, peaking his head past his boyfriend. "You've been tired." Junmyeon nudged Yifan gently, "Would you get us some drinks from the vending machine?"

   "I'll go," offered the other, but Fan stood up and shook his head.

   "Don't worry. What do you all want?"

   "Coffee," they both said and he left. The moment he was out of earshot, Junmyeon scooted closer to his friend.

   "I wanted to talk to you about something."

   "Go ahead," he answered nervously, feeling a ball grow in his stomach.

   "I don't really how to touch upon this subject..." he started, glancing and his boyfriend's retreating figure. "Are you in love with Fan?"

   "What?" Yixing's heart sped up.

   "I've noticed you looking at him a lot lately," he explained nervously. "I'm not jealous, don't worry. I just want you to be honest with me."

   "It's not like that," Xing said, feeling incredibly embarrassed. "It's not really Yifan that I like. I-... Junmyeon, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to cause problems for either of you."

   "You're not, Yixing! I just want to know so I can understand you better. I think feelings left unsaid always hurt more. It's okay to tell me." Yixing bit his lip and felt tears of shame sting his eyes.

   "It's not just Yifan. And I don't know if it's love. I don't know what any of it is."

   "It's not just Yifan?"

   "It's also you. It makes no sense, I know. Which is probably why it's nothing," he quickly said before his friend could react to the confession. "It's not normal, I think. But I really don't know anymore. It's confusing. Both of you together makes me feel..."

   "Jealous?"

   "God no!" he exclaimed. "It makes me feel happy. I like seeing you two together." He paused, cheeks reddening. "No, that makes me sound like a ert. It's not what I mean." Junmyeon looked surprised at everything he was saying. Not disgusted, or annoyed. Just surprised. "I'm not trying to cause trouble."

   "Of course you're not." Junmyeon lay a hand on his shoulder and pulled him in for a hug. "I'm not upset. I am surprised." He obviously hadn't fully absorbed what his friend had just told him. After wiping his eyes, Yixing pushed him away gently, apologising again. "Don't be sorry. You can't help it."

   "Let's not talk about it."

   "I- Okay." And the subject as closed. Junmyeon scooted away, leaning back on the tree and they waited on Yifan. A minute later, he threw a can of coffee at each of the and cracked his open.

   "There you go." He then paused, looking at both of them. He opened his mouth, but Xing saw his friend shaking his head gently to shut Yifan up. Yifan shrugged, still frowning, and sat back down. "This was a good idea, Yixing," he said, nudging him.

   "Oh, yes," he laughed and opened his coffee. "Parks are nice." After that, they stayed silent. They finished their drinks and walked back. This time, Yixing stayed behind both of them. Junmyeon would periodically shoot subtle glances at him. Xing, however, kept his eyes on the ground and simple waved goodbye when they parted ways.

 

As he walked back home alone, he felt a crushing sense of guilt. He'd just admitted to his best friend he was in love both with him and his boyfriend. What was wrong with him? Though he was bad at lying, he could have denied it. Or something. But no, he had been honest and now was terrified of Junmyeon's reaction. Though he hadn't said anything initially, he would probably end up discussing it with Yifan. Which was understandable, since discussing things like that were essential, but he was embarrassed. He just wanted to disappear.

   He slammed the door of his house. Evening was starting to fall and he thought of making dinner, but his stomach felt extremely tight so he went for a lengthy shower, trying to drain out anxious over thinking. He then moved to his room and lay there, not bothering to get dressed again. He wasn't tired anymore, but he wanted to sleep, so he ended up tucking himself in. Yixing began to unwind, breathing deeply and letting go of this fears of the moment. What had been done, was done. He couldn't go back. His phone buzzed. He hesitated to pick it up but gave in and unlocked it.

myeon: yixing, please come to my house tomorrow. yifan and I have something to discuss.

Yixing froze, the knot in his stomach immediately came back. He considered ignoring it or flat out refusing, but he realised he was probably putting his friend in an equally complicated position and did have to take responsibility for what he had said. That was the soundest thing to do, even if it did cause him a great deal of discomfort.

xing: what time?

myeon: 10 am? we'll be around all day though, so drop by when you're free :)

xing: i'll be there.

 

The next morning, Yixing woke up after sleeping very little. He concealed the bags under his eyes and put on clean clothes. He didn't feel ready, but he had to be.

xing: i'm on my way.

myeon: have you had breakfast?

xing: no, i just woke up.

myeon: perfect, see you soon

 

He knocked on the door roughly thirty minutes later, heart beating fast. He hit his solar plexus repeatedly to calm himself. The knob turned and a smiling Junmyeon appeared.

   "Morning Yixing. Fan and I made breakfast, want to join us?" The fact that his friend was so merry threw Yixing off.

   "I- Yes, sure, Good morning." He followed his friend into the house.

   "Morning," Yifan said as they entered the kitchen. He was sat at the table arms crossed. He seemed rather emotionless and Xing was relieved. At least he wasn't angry.

   "Good morning," he repeated, bowing his head and took the seat Junmyeon pulled out for him. They looked at each other in turn. The food was on the table but no one touched it. Finally, Yixing broke the silence. "I know why you wanted to talk. I thought about not coming but taking responsibility is important. So here I am. And it's okay if you're angry with me. I am too."

   "That's not why we wanted to see you," Yifan said, not allowing him to go on.

   "It's really not. Fan and I talked for a long time last night. I'm honestly touched that you told me, even if it put you in a bad spot," Junmyeon continued. His face was adorned with his ever warm smile and he leaned forwards, placing his forearms on the table.

   "I shouldn't have harboured such feelings anyway. I know it's wrong. I should covet people who are already in love." Covet might not really have been the right word, but it's all he could think of.

   "Yixing, please stop talking," Yifan interrupted him again.

   "Again, it's not why we called you here," Junmyeon said. He paused a bit, looking down at his hands and Yixing's cheat tightened. Maybe it was worse than he had thought and they were planning on ending the friendship to avoid conflict. He opened his mouth to apologise and promise he couldn't imagine to come between them when Junmyeon spoke again. "We love you." Yixing blinked, confused beyond words. "I wish you'd spoken earlier. Maybe we could have discussed right off the bat. But I also respect you a lot for not doing so out of consideration for our relationship."

   "Discussed things?"

   "Yes. Discussed a future that included you. I can't really express how much I appreciate you as a person," Junmyeon glanced at his boyfriend and Yifan nodded, urging him to go on. "Yifan and I discussed this for a while last night. When I said we love you, I mean it. I-"

   "What he's trying to get at is, we're offering you to join us," Yifan said, cutting all of the extra explanations he deemed unnecessary.

   "Join you?" Yixing repeated, confused and astonished.

   "Y-yeah," Myeon nodded. "I like you by our side. We like you by our side. I don't want that to change."

   "Me neither. It won't change, I promise." He hadn't wrapped his head around the rest, but he was relieved they didn't want him gone.

   "However, other things can change. Like-" he hesitated.

   "-the nature of our relationship," Yifan completed.

   "You're an important part of our life. And we want you to be part of something else with us too." Were they implying...? Having not stated anything explicitly, he was too embarrassed to assume and simply stared at them both, mouth slightly open. Finally, Yifan snapped and cut to the chase.

   "We want you to join our relationship. Or at least, we want you to know that we are open to you joining it."

   "Wouldn't that hurt the relationship you two already have?" he asked incredulously.

   "Why would it?" Yifan raised an eyebrow and a smile twitched on his lips.

   "It's something we entirely trust you with."

   "Okay." Yixing looked down. His face was starting to redden. He had imagined a lot of things, but never this.

   "We can give you time," Junmyeon said kindly, reaching across the table to take on of his hands and squeezing it. "We can discuss it whenever you want. Or you can say no and we'll never mention it again." Yifan fidgeted for a moment before placing a soft hand on his shoulder and nodded before removing it.

   "Do you mean it?"

   "That we want you?" they asked at the same time and he shook his head.

   "That it wouldn't hurt either of you? I don't want to prompt jealousy, anger or anything of the sort." Yifan's face softened so much for a moment, he almost seemed on the verge of tears. Composing himself, he gave a curt nod.

   "Yes, we mean it."

   "And," Junmyeon added, "we're not asking you to join as a third wheel. You're not the +1 and you won't be an after thought."

   "Our equal."

 

It was a lot to take in. Yixing's eyes darted to both of their faces. He was worried Yifan had been pressured by Junmyeon and that Junmyeon was saying this out of pity. He wanted to say yes but couldn't understand how it could work out. He loved them both. He loved Yifan's low voice, intelligence and his way of being extremely observant in little ways, despite his obvious trust issues. He loved Junmyeon's massive heart, his kind smile and his unconditional care of everyone, even if he regularly pushed himself too hard. He loved them and wanted to be part of their happiness, in whatever way he could.

   "When I said I loved you," he started, eyes on the table, "I didn't mean it as in I want to have you. You don't need to change anything for me."

   "But what if we want to? Without over thinking it, just for a second. Without thinking about us, but thinking about you and what you want. What would you say?" Junmyeon asked.

   "Yes," he immediately responded. "I would say yes."

   "Does it feel right?"

   "Yes."

   "Then without trying to interpret us right now, because we have both been honest and there is no need to decipher our words, what is your answer?" Yifan looked at him intensely and he looked up to meet his gaze.

   "Yes."

   "Do you need more time to think?" Yifan asked.

   "No." Yixing's heart had never felt so simultaneously heavy and light. On one hand, he was terrified. He felt as though he was intruding on something. On the other, they had sounded so sure.

   "Do we need to discuss anything more right now? Or address things as they come up?"

   "I think there's a rule I want to put down," Junmyeon said, raising a hand. "I want us to be honest. If there's an issue, we talk. Internalising feelings always leads to pain and I don't want us to be unhappy." Yixing shuddered at his casual used of 'us'. Yifan made a face. It was obvious it wouldn't be easy for him to be entirely open about what he felt.

   "I'll do my best."

   "And we'll give you the necessary push," he laughed, "it's not like you're very subtle when something bothers you." Myeon then turned to Yixing with a wink, "it's usually heavy footsteps, slamming doors and crossed arms."

   "Oh, and he talks way less than usual," Xing added, with a small smile.

   "Hmm, true."

   "Am I being exposed?"

   "It's not like you give us a choice. We have to develop strategies to get anything out of you." At that, Yixing laughed and Yifan let out a silent chuckle. "Okay, I said what I wanted to say. Do either of you want to add?"

   "Me," Fan muttered, clearing his throat. "I, uh, Yixing. I'm sorry if I seem less enthusiastic than Junmyeon." He cleared his throat again. "I l- care about you a lot. I'm equally as happy to have you here." He tentatively moved his hand across the table and Yixing too it immediately, touched beyond words. Affection was hard for Yifan and he knew it.

   "Thank you." Fan squeezed his hand and pulled away, well aware Junmyeon was beaming at the two of them.

   "If that's all we need to cover for now, let's watch a movie."

   "I thought you were sick of movies," teased Myeon and he immediately received a jab under the table.

   "I'm okay with that," said Yixing, laughing.

   "In that case, my pick. I had one for yesterday, before you forced me to go out."

   "Is it another family movie? About self discovery? And the importance of sticking together?" Yifan complained

   "Or maybe a historical documentary? About human beauty through the age?" Yixing chimed.

   "During which you'll take notes on skin care and makeup?"

   ".... Fine, you can choose between yourselves. I don't need this kind of disrespect."

 

All three sat on the couch, the way they did a few weeks ago. Only this time, Yifan's arm reached around Junmyeon's shoulder and played with Yixing's soft locks absent mindedly as a family movie about self discovery played on the screen. And Junmyeon's right hand was laced with Fan's while the other lay on Yixing's knee. And Yixing's head rested on Myeon's shoulder while enjoying Yifan's caresses. Not much had changed at all. Yixing's feelings were the same. Only he could now more actively participate in their happiness, safety and support. He felt freer. Though at first they tried almost too hard to make him feel equally welcomed, it soon became normal. It became normal for Yixing to feel loved as much as he loved. Even if it almost made him feel guilty to admit he felt that way, he did, in fact, feel loved.

   Love is confusing. But in this instance, despite obstacles here and there, it felt so very simple to love unconditionally and trust.