With so much trouble they had to go through, their first date would be memorable for Taeyeon indeed. After buying the food (both thankfully managed to get through the crowd in that heels), Tiffany suggested Han River as the place they should enjoy the snack. The weather was cold, so they stayed in the car and ate the food carefully so it didn’t drop in the rented car.

"You're weird." Tiffany spoke after she swallows a dumpling.

"Why is that?"

"Among the other eight of the fifth year residents, you are the most cold-hearted, stiff, know no compromise–”

"I get it. Your point?" Taeyeon cut before Tiffany fired more insults.

"You are the calmest. But why are you being a nervous wreck for the board exam? You're facing death everyday, you pronounce death in daily basis. So I really don't get it."

"My examiners have the power to decide whether I'm going to be a surgeon or stuck for another year in residency. The pressure is different. I have expectations about me, my future and these guys can crush my five years effort in three hours."

"I still don't see it is harder to pronounce death or handling complicated surgery or having your attending watches your back like a monster."

Taeyeon fell quiet for a while. She looked at Tiffany, biting her inner cheek while contemplating how to say it without making the other woman think she was some kind of . 

"I'm not going to judge you."

Taeyeon took a deep breath. “Those patients, technically, they are not mine. They’re my attending’s. I help them, they teach me, I have them with me during the most critical time in the OR. Should it go wrong, I only shoulder small part of consequences. I’m a resident, this is my time to learn. They can shout at my face or punish me to stay in the ER for as long as they desire or give me bad OR outcome but that’s that. No hard feelings. Meanwhile, the board exam… It’s uh…” Taeyeon wet her lips. “I have to face two surgeons from two different hospital centers, from different era. They’re like way older than me. I have no idea who they are. We could have different approach, different styles on some cases. With you, I can beat your knowledge with mine simply because I have more experience. With them? If I come out too strong, they have the power not let me pass just because they don’t like my attitude.”

Tiffany was listening quietly. Little by little she could draw the dot. Taeyeon didn’t act out of the blue. She was not kidding when she said she was nervous. She had her reasons and each one was sensible.

“You’ve never called the time of death, yes?”

“Yeah.”

“The thing is, Tiffany… there are pressures. The biggest one is how the family reacts regarding the truth you’re about to state. I still remember my first time. I cried a lot after I pronounced it. It broke my heart that I failed to save this child.”

“Child?”

“Yes. Three years old with subdural bleeding. I was the resident on call in the ward. She was fine, the surgery went perfect, she was cleared by Doctor Yoo to move to the ward from the PICU. All of sudden she just stopped breathing. You know the rest.”

“Did the parents lash out on you?”

“No.” Taeyeon shook her head. “They just cried. They grieved in silence. They said thank you for everything we had done to their kid. It made me even guiltier. Time after time, I have to declare death more often. I have to numb my feeling in order to do my work efficiently. Five years do the trick.”

“Are you saying… like… I’m sorry to ask this but are you saying that you don’t care anymore?”

“I care about them. That’s why I work and study hard. But feelings don’t get along with this line of work, Tiffany. People die all the time. You can’t get carried away. You just have to get over it and move on.”

Tiffany tilted her head to the side, studying Taeyeon. “So it’s the pressure.”

“Hm?”

“You are what you are now because of the pressure.”

“Yeah. People deal with it differently. You see YoonA. She’s been through the same thing but she’s not like me.”

“It’s the defense mechanism.”

“You perhaps can say that.” Taeyeon scratched her no