CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

i want you to stay

Jongin barely felt as if he had been pulled from the dark. The thick mist of fog that had encircled him into a prison of obliviousness had evaporated only to reveal a less illuminous vision – for what lay beyond showed him nothing.

‘I-‘ he was at a loss for words. ‘-I didn’t know.’

Soojung felt interrogated despite not being questioned. Neither of them felt at ease. Both of them shrank into a vortex of guilt that resulted in a haunting silence.

‘Are you sure?’ Jongin pulled Soojung’s hand.

‘Absurd, isn’t it? But nothing else makes sense.’

Jongin grit his teeth. There was no denying that a new seed of anger has now planted and stemmed inside of him. A new scar has been cut, and if it was truly as Soojung believed it to be, Jongin no longer had a reason to stay quiet.

He attempted to remain composed.

‘You need to tell them.’

Her red, sore eyes showed nothing but exhaustion. She was tired of fighting, they said.

‘We need to tell them. We need to put an end to this.’ Jongin hardened his voice. ‘He’s going to keep hurting you.’

‘And then what? He’ll kill you too?’ tears trickled down her pale face. ‘I don’t want people to keep leaving me because they cared.’

‘Nobody’s leaving you.’ He tightened his grip on her hand. ‘Jongyeon didn’t leave you either. She did what she did because she wanted to be with you. You know that.’

None of them said anything for a while. Beyond the joined hands, they were mentally a distance from each other, separated by a barrier built from bricks of shame. Soojung did not carry with her the intention to allow anyone into the circle of her pain when she obliged to Rei’s advice to reveal the horrible truth to Jongin. It took a lot of courage to fight the growing hesitance inside her for she knew how her friends were. How on earth had Rei found out was an expected mystery, and God knows to what length she went just to fulfil her search. Who knows what she could do next.

‘Can you promise me one thing at least?’ he asked. ‘I won’t ask you to go to the police if you don’t want to, but if I do, don’t stop me.’

Soojung relented. ‘Of course. She’s your sister after all. I have no right.’

‘Did he talk about going to the cops?’

‘He doesn’t want to say it. He kept saying I was crazy and that if ever tried to do something weird against him, he’d make my life hell. I’m not allowed to mention her name ever again. That’s what I did that made him hit me – I mentioned her name over and over again. I yelled at him, said he killed her and he just had enough of it.’ She closed her eyes for a moment. ‘I thought I could be as strong as your sister, but I couldn’t even stand up to him.’

Promise me something.

‘She stood her ground to the very end, but I can’t.’

‘Are you going to see him again anytime soon?’

‘I might have to go back in another two weeks. My cousin’s getting married and Mother thought it’d be a good idea for us to come together for once.’

Soojung noticed Jongin’s face changing. ‘He won’t do anything. Not while my mother’s around.’

‘If he does-‘

She nodded.

Call me.

She made the exact same promise to someone else.

The two weeks flew by and with a heavy heart Jongin watched Soohyun take his sister away on Friday after class. I’ll be fine, Soojung mouthed to him.

He was a tall man, with the same cool eyes as her. He flashed a godly smile at the six, then laid a brotherly hand on Soojung’s shoulder, murmuring questions of her wellbeing as he took her away.

‘Are you sure she’ll be alright?’ Baekhyun craned his neck as the car drove out to the gate.

No one answered.

‘You didn’t tell me you had that many friends.’ Soohyun attempted to start a conversation. Soojung would not look at him, plugging her earphones in to avoid having to listen to his random mumbling and questions.

‘She’s drifting away.’ Rei said under her breath but Sehun heard her.

‘What?’ they were sitting on her bed in her room, trapped in a certain unsettling silence. Her legs were bent and her arms were folded on her knees. She had just gotten off the phone with Soojung. Nothing sounded alarming to them through the conversation but Rei had her disturbing thoughts.

She’s not the only one fading away.

 ‘You know something, don’t you?’

‘Maybe. I don’t know. It’s only an assumption.’ There was lack of assurance in her voice.

‘But it’s your assumption.’

I don’t feel good about this.

‘It’s a curse.’ She smiled. ‘But it might mean saving someone.’

‘I thought we agreed to do this together.’

‘I’m not doing anything, Sehun.’

‘But you’re thinking. You know things and you find connections that other people can’t find, and they’re always true. And when it does hit you that what was all in your head is happening in real life, you’re the only one who can run off alone to change it. I don’t want to not be there when it happens.’ His eyes were pleading with her. ‘So what is it?’

Rei relented. ‘She’s lying.’

‘Who?’

‘She doesn’t have any cousins. And there certainly isn’t any wedding this weekend.’

‘Then, why-‘

‘I think she’s trying to do something. She keeps talking about how Jongyeon died for nothing, about how it’s unfair for her that she died that way and the person responsible is still free.’  She told him. ‘The other night she was doing a group project she was getting paid for. It was midnight. You know how she is – very focused and work-oriented – but then suddenly she just stopped. I was sleeping then, or trying to, and then I saw her go to the bathroom. I thought maybe she was taking a break or felt too stuffy because of the heat. I heard the shower running and then she started crying. When she came out and got dressed again she went to her desk, and I thought she wanted to continue working but instead she just stood there and took out a lighter to burn her work.’

‘And then what happened?’

‘I got up. I asked her if she was alright and she just broke down again. She said she doesn’t know why she’s doing any of this: school, work-‘ Rei looked gloomy. ‘-even living.’

‘She said that?’

‘She said that.’ Rei answered with a flicker of guilt that could not be put out, just like the flame from the lighter Soojung held that night. It burned her, not in a grandly murderous way, but just enough to ensure she could not breathe in peace.

‘Why do you think she wanted to go home then?’

Rei shook her head.

‘She has something up her sleeves. I don’t know what.’

‘Do you think she might be trying to get back at him?’

‘She’s been talking to her mother lately. Asking her if she’s around this weekend, or just to check on her. Sometimes she’d look at pictures of Jongyeon,’

‘Hey, Rei. I know it’s cliché but do you think she’s up there? Like is the dead never really dead?’

The hope that gathered in her eyes was like water gathering into a puddle on a heavily rainy day.

Please don’t say goodbye.

‘Are these the kind of things you see?’ Sehun asked her.

‘I see them in my dreams. The things I think and predict somehow materialize whenever I sleep. But I don’t pay attention to it. Dreams are wonderful, curious things but still dreams. I’d be foolish to wallow myself in the thought of my dreams holding some kind of prophetical value.’

‘What do you dream about?’

‘Shadows, a bizarre asymmetrical room with things that look like people or creatures. It’s all red and black.’ She rested her head on her knees. ‘I see a small baby bird tramping around in a nest all alone and then falling to the ground. It gets up but keeps tripping and then it grows into a hawk. It starts flying up to the sky and makes a loud cry to tell the world it could finally fly.’

‘It sounds hopeful.’

Rei’s eyes gently fluttered. Sehun touched her face and hair with careful fingers. ‘You’re making me worried.’

She did not raise her head, looking sober than ever. Sehun assumed she probably was not as sad as she looked – like a dog who just got a scolding – but in any case, she was not her usual composed, alert self. Rei’s lack of response sent Sehun into helplessness. He wanted to cheer her up, somehow, or at least, release her from the thoughts that seemed to congest her mind so much that she can barely focus on anything else.

‘I’m alright, really.’ She sat straight. ‘I suppose I’m getting a little too caught up in worry.’

‘Maybe you need a little cheering up.’

‘Maybe I do. What’s your idea of cheering up?’

‘Maybe we could talk to Pixel. Or we could swim.’

‘I haven’t gone swimming in a while.’ She remembered.

‘Then let’s go.’ He pulled her hand.

So they went to the pool at night again, sheltering in the privacy of being alone together again. Sehun was getting used to the cold now, and even if only a little, understood the pleasure Rei feels every single time she immersed herself into the currents of unstill waters.

‘Can I ask you one thing?’ Sehun turned to face her. ‘That night, when I-‘ he held his tongue, attempting to regain control over his speech, covering his pause with a smile.

‘When we kissed?’ she carried her fingers through the water. She looked up at him with cool, dark blue eyes that almost resembled the night sky.

‘I-‘ he turned away again. ‘I don’t know whether I should apologize or-‘ his voice drifted away. Or kiss you again.

She laughed silently. ‘There’s no need.’ Her gaze calmed him down. Her smile faded. ‘I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable that night. You saw me doing things I don’t usually do.’

You were crying.

‘Do you always hide it?’

She cocked her head, her lips curving into her usual smile, the smile she offered strangers. It was cold and sweet and Sehun felt as if she had took a step back from him somehow.

Don’t leave me in the dark.

‘Did you feel something? When we kissed?’

Rei remained silent. She tore her gaze and looked down at the tiny waves pushing and pulling against her.

Say something.

‘It’s getting cold.’ She said. ‘We better go back.’

Don’t just smile there.

‘Rei.’ He held her hands before she could leave.

Please don’t leave me behind.

Sehun leaned forward and kissed her, for the second time, and yet Rei still was not as ready as ever. The suddenness of it left her in a shock that her sober self could feel electrocuting every vein in her body, unlike the last time when she was too drunk to feel properly.

Don’t go.

She felt every movement of his lips. Her senses were heightened so much now that it overwhelmed her, but this time, Rei did not want to shut out her feelings.

Or perhaps she did but could not.

 She closed her eyes, giving herself in to Sehun and the way he held her. His strong arm supported her by the back of her shoulders, and another around her waist that sat snug inside his grip.

If I close my eyes, can I pretend it’s not real?

Rei stiffened against the tightness of the space she was in, then soon melted; the chills that ran inside her made her feel as if she was in another universe, and so did Sehun. He did not want to let her go at all; not her body, not the emotions she was channelling like a spark to his heart. It felt like a miracle, more so that she rarely ever showed anything at all, and he could not help but feel special somehow.

Their bodies were cold but the kiss was hot. It was like sunspots on winter. The sliver of heat persisted and breathed within icy compounds.

When he pulled back he saw her looking back at him with skin peeled from her eyes.

Neither of them could say anything to each other.

You can’t pretend it’s not real.

‘I want you to stay.’