The next night literally nothing could have dragged Youngbae out of his house. He was going to recover the way nature intended, in dark rooms with tons of alcohol and moody music. And, apparently, Seunghyun squatting on his couch.

“Ya, I’m the one with a broken heart,” he teased when Seunghyun wistfully wished in Youngbae’s direction for Kimchi Stew. Youngbae winced. He wasn’t quite ready for jokes yet.

“Please, dongsaeng,” Seunghyun whined. “You make it so tasty.”

Youngbae got up to make dinner but punched Seunghyun on his way, hard. The insufferable man collapsed. “ it up, hyung,” Youngbae said.

Seunghyun smiled up at him, Youngbae smiled back.

They sat, companionably silent, over dinner.

“You know, I like that you never give me a hard time, when I pray,” Youngbae said half way through the meal.

“Why would I?”

“I just, I know it isn’t your thing.”

“But it’s yours.” Seunghyun paused. “That’s good enough.”

“Still, thanks.”

Seunghyun smiled at him.

“Drinks?” Seunghyun asked as they pushed back from the table. Youngbae stood to start the cleaning up and nodded. They’d both been drinking a lot the last month, but that was what breakups were for, no?

“Fire?” Seunghyun suggested, after fully loading the coffee table with drinks. Youngbae laughed and nodded again.

He didn’t actually have a fireplace. Seunghyun, the crazy old man, had come upon a DVD of a fake fireplace and bought it on a whim the week before. “It’s soothing,” he’d justified that first night when he put it on. It was that, Youngbae granted.

It even made fire-sounds. Seunghyun seemed to love it for all that he professed a hatred for the outdoors.

Youngbae came into the living room sporting a low buzz from the dinner wine. The room was cozy, fire blazing on his television, wine bottles on the coffee table. Seunghyun sprawled on his couch, eyes closed, fingers tapping to the Dynamic Duo album playing on the stereo. Youngbae noted that his soul didn’t ache as much as it had last week. That was progress.

Squinting, though, he glared at the overhead lights. It was much too bright so he flicked them off before joining Seunghyun on the sofa. Seunghyun moved to make room but Youngbae waved him off. Seunghyun was like a cat, one didn’t disturb him when he was that comfortable. Instead, Youngbae opted to lift Seunghyun’s feet and settle into his spot, replacing Seunghyun’s feet on his lap.

Eyes still closed, Seunghyun offered his wine to the air, which Youngbae took. Seunghyun dropped a hand to grab the conveniently placed open bottle on the floor by the couch.

They sat together as the album played through, mesmerized by the flames and lulled by alcohol. When it finished, Seunghyun lifted his phone and flicked through it for a brief moment. Epik High’s Remapping the Human Soul came on.

“Hey, you got the bluetooth working.”

“I’m not a complete basketcase,” Seunghyun said. He seemed almost sleepy.

“No, you aren’t.” Youngbae refrained from listing the number of times he’d had to explain how the system worked. It was enough that it was working and they were cuddled up nice and cozy, the outside world a surreal abstraction.

Youngbae realized he’d been staring at Seunghyun. He wasn’t sure for how long. He’d said it, admitted it, many times but Seunghyun was beautiful, even moreso with his profile bathed in the warm glow of the television. Youngbae took advantage of Seunghyun’s closed eyes and let himself stare. Seunghyun was bulkier than typical, evidence of their hard work for his movie.

The wine heated the blood running under Youngbae’s skin, stinging his cheeks. He felt almost hot, their twinned body heat warming them both. Of course Seunghyun was in bulky sweats. The heat was inevitable. Yet there was more to it than that.

Primary’s album came on next, smooth as butter. “Playlist,” Seunghyun explained without opening his eyes. Youngbae hummed and continued shamelessly staring. The light seemed to dance along Seunghyun’s jaw, hard and fine. He looked peaceful as he lay there.

Seunghyun skin was blemished, casualty to movie makeup, but somehow it didn’t take from his beauty. His eye traced the line of the scar at Seunghyun’s brow.

How often had he wanted to stare at Seunghyun? He asked himself and mentally stuttered. It was true, he realized. He often found his eyes wanting to drink in Seunghyun’s long limbs and sculpted face. Wanting without recognizing desire.

He could feel the blood pooling low in his stomach. Lower than that, he chided himself. There was too much alcohol for him to remind himself that this was not a permissible train of thought.

He brought a hand down on Seunghyun’s thigh. It wasn’t so strange a gesture as to startle Seunghyun. Youngbae let himself feel the body under his hand. The muscles were toned, full. They felt nothing like a woman’s thigh but they felt good in his palm.

“What you doin’?” Seunghyun muttered, but his eyes stayed closed. Youngbae continued staring at his closed lids, heavy lashes dusting his perfect cheekbones.

“Nothing,” Youngbae lied. He realized he’d actually been Seunghyun’s leg. Seunghyun’s eyes fluttered open and they stared at one another.

“What are you doing?” Seunghyun whispered again. A part of Youngbae’s mind clamored that he should be embarrassed, that he should stop. But it was a small, easily ignored voice. He slid the hand from Seunghyun’s thigh up to his hip. “Youngbae,” Seunghyun hissed.

Seunghyun closed his eyes against the look in Youngbae’s eyes. There was no word for it but desire, and that knowledge tore at Seunghyun’s heart. He’d always wondered what a passionate, lusty Youngbae looked like, sometimes wondered enough to push himself over the edge. He cursed that he no longer had to wonder.

Seunghyun forced his eyes open. Youngbae shifted to put his glass on the table, and Seunghyun let his bottle slide to the floor.

“Jiyong and Seungri are always going on about it,” Youngbae said. He didn’t return to his seat, instead he shifted to lean over Seunghyun, still sprawled on the couch. Youngbae’s heart threatened to pound out of his chest. Seunghyun looked up at him, eyes wide and hungry. “They’re always talking about how amazing is.”

Reckless, Youngbae pressed a leg down between Seunghyun’s thighs but stopped just shy of his groin. Strong legs pressed against him. He hazarded a hand on Seunghyun’s face. It was strange, rough. Stubble scraped like sandpaper against his palm. “Is it amazing?” Youngbae asked.

He leaned forward but stopped. His lips hovered, mere centimeters above Seunghyun’s mouth. Seunghyun could feel the heat of his breath on his wine-wet lips. Youngbae’s voice was tearing into him, low and raw. Seunghyun ached as desire rolled through him. The thigh pressed between Seunghyun’s legs was infuriatingly too far way.

Youngbae moved to whisper in Seunghyun’s ear. “Is it amazing, hyung?”

Seunghyun panted, breath heaving through him. “What are you doing, Youngbae?” He demanded with all the strength he could muster. He was mere seconds from folding himself into Youngbae and taking everything that was being offered, Youngbae’s naivety be damned.

Startled, Youngbae reeled back. “I-” He didn’t really have an explanation. Suddenly he was angry. “You - you and Jiyong and Seungri and heck, maybe even Daesung, have had your experimentations-”

“My uality isn’t an experimentation.”

“You know what I mean!” Youngbae snapped. He was so angry, but it wasn’t anger. No, Seunghyun knew what it was. “Why shouldn’t I try it too?”

Youngbae was beautiful, in that moment, hair in a disarray of glowing platinum, face flushed, lips full and eyes, his eyes-. Seunghyun wanted to blame the wine, the fake fire, the music. He wanted to blame everything but the culprit. Surging forward, he toppled Youngbae back onto the couch. His groan as he hit the cushions was delicious, stoking the fire raging through Seunghyun’s veins.

“You want to try, Youngbae?” He asked, but he allowed no time for a response. Instead he took, took Youngbae’s lips, his tongue, his breath. Youngbae was not completely inexperienced and yet, this was something totally out of his league. Seunghyun’s hands cupped either side of his face, his body loomed over him. He’d never been quite so painfully aware of their size difference. A pain that apparently resided in his too-tight pants.

After an eternity Seunghyun broke off the kiss. “Is that what you want to try?” Seunghyun asked, hands still cupping Youngbae’s face but eyes staring sightless at the couch by Youngbae’s ear. “Is that what you want?”

Youngbae brought his own hands up to Seunghyun’s face, pulling him back. “Yes,” he said in the moment before he brought their lips together again. Youngbae was a fast learner, and his kiss burned away the edges of Seunghyun’s resolve. He melted down into Youngbae’s arms and let himself indulge in long, devouring into Youngbae’s mouth. He drank in Youngbae’s moans, each sending its own delicious shock down to his .

Instinctively he rolled down into Youngbae, his experience lining their up side by side. Youngbae froze in his arms.

. Coming to, Seunghyun threw himself back, off, away from Youngbae.

“Scared?” He scoffed, hiding his own terror.

“Hyung?” Youngbae said. “Hyung, I’m sorry. I don’t know-”

“No, you don’t,” Seunghyun snapped. Suddenly he couldn’t bear the oppressive heat of the room. “I’m going home.”

And just like that, Youngbae was alone.

“,” he said to the silence. What had he done?

Seunghyun’s walk home was agony, and not just because of his raging hardon or the ice cold of Seoul’s winter. , what had he gotten himself into? What had he let happen? He could blame wine, but he wouldn’t.

No, he’d known what they had been building up to. For all his foresight and planning, for all his self-warnings, he’d known where they were heading and walked right into it. Because he wanted it. Wanted Youngbae. He never would have thought the two of them could be - well, what they were now. And yet from where they were now he couldn’t imagine life without their… whatever it was they had.

Friendship. No, they were more than that. But how much more?

He kicked at a clump of snow and cursed, loudly.

Youngbae had been drunk, lonely, they’d been spending a lot of time together. With any luck he wouldn't remember much when he woke up.

It was bull excuses but Seunghyun had just proven the strength of his powers of self-deception.

The next morning he made sure to text first.

Seunghyun 7:05am

Wild night, huh?

How’s your head? You had a lot.

Reading Seunghyun’s words first thing the next morning brought a wave of relief. Yes, Youngbae could pretend it hadn’t happened. That was safe, wise.

Youngbae 11:45am

Ya, you were up early.

And my head feels like .

I’m never drinking again. What happened last night?

Seunghyun 11:46am

I think you drank?

Youngbae 11:46am

Punk

Seunghyun 11:47am

Yes, you are

Youngbae laughed himself out of bed. He had no clue what last night had been about but, apparently, he didn’t have to. It hadn’t happened, after all.

Seunghyun contemplated going home. He really should. Filming that night was grueling. He hadn’t been home in days. It was the best choice, especially after last night. Youngbae-

His phone rang. Seunghyun looked at the screen and groaned. He really, really did not want to talk to Jiyong. Really - did - not.

So he didn’t. And he didn’t the next 5 times Jiyong called. He felt almost gleeful rejecting the call the 6th time.

“You can’t keep ignoring me,” Jiyong’s voice said and Seunghyun startled. Jiyong was standing in his trailer.

“Ya, you can’t just -”

“Being G-Dragon has its perks.”

“Go away,” Seunghyun said. But it was Jiyong’s turn to play The Ignoring Game. He strutted across the trailer to sink into Seunghyun’s sofa. “Ya, seriously Ji, what do you want?”

“What’s going on with Youngbae?” Jiyong asked, his eyes piercing. Thankfully, Seunghyun had had years of facing off against them.

“Well, he’s been dumped and is depressed.”

“No, I mean the two of you?”

“We’re friends.”

“You have been hanging out together.” Jiyong paused. “A lot.”

“Yes, Jiyong,” Seunghyun said, calibrating just the right tone of longsuffering into his response. “It is what friends do. Be there for one another.”

“Man, you, you know I’m working on our album.”

“I wasn’t saying anything about you,” Seunghyun said, shocked. He’d not calculated that implication into his words. “I’m just saying, he’s down. He’s been there for me. We’re close. That’s it.”

“Is that it? For sure?”

“Why, Jiyong? What do you want?”

“I know your theories about Bae - and you.”

“Look, I don’t need you to tell me I’m full of -”

“I think you’re right.” Jiyong admitted. Seunghyun stopped, full rant aborted.

“I-”

“Don’t with him Seunghyun,” Jiyong said. “That’s what I came here to say.”

“The hell, Ji. Who do you think you are to tell me what to do?” Seunghyun stared down his leader.

Jiyong sighed. “Look I love you both. Just-” he looked down at his rings and began to give them his characteristic twirls, “we barely came back after you and I. I just - he isn’t gay, hyung. He isn’t.”

“Well if you think I’m right he isn’t straight.”

“Yeah but, he isn’t-”

“Who are you to say what he is?!” Seunghyun snapped. “Why can’t he figure that out for himself? You aren’t his mom. You aren’t him. Why do you get a say?!”

“No, I know, it’s confusing just - don’t him up, don’t us up.”

Seunghyun had had enough of this conversation. He had no clue what his own thoughts were, he didn’t need Jiyong’s as well. “You really need to keep your nose in your own business.”

“, Seunghyun, I’m just worried.”

“Just go, Jiyong. Please,” Seunghyun turned to begin packing up for the day. “Go.” He could feel Jiyong staring at him for a long minute before the sound of his trailer door closing reverberated in his ears.

As angry as he was, Jiyong had a point. “ Jiyong,” Seunghyun said to himself, voice low and vehement.

His phone beeped again and Seunghyun grabbed for it, ready to go for round two with Jiyong.

Youngbae 8:50pm

Ya, you working late

Seunghyun 8:50pm

Nah, just wrapped up. Want me come over?

Youngbae 8:50pm

Yeah, that would be nice.

They shouldn’t drink together. Seunghyun’s better angels were advocating their hardest, but they were small and telling them to off was so easy in Youngbae’s home. “Ya, get me a beer.”

Younbae paused in rolling kimbap to fish a beer from the fridge. Seunghyun took the opening to swipe a few pieces of radish.

“Classic movie marathon tonight - on cable,” Youngbae offered while setting down Seunghyun’s beer.

“Mmmm.” Seunghyun crunched his radish.

“Thought so,” Youngbae laughed.

Seunghyun reached for the beer and their hands grazed one another. Seunghyun mentally rolled his eyes at himself, annoyed that his stomach had decided to turn a summersault. This was ridiculous.

Youngbae felt a twinge of disappointment as Seunghyun pushed off the bar where he’d watching dinner progress and settled into the living room. Whatever. He refocused on rolling and then piled up the kimbap and grabbed a board and knife and took dinner to the coffee table.

He settled down on the floor between the table and the couch. “Want some?”

Youngbae pulled a few rolls of kimbap onto his cutting board and began slicing. Seunghyun reached out and swiped a fully uncut roll to bite into whole. Youngbae should not have been surprised. “Savage,” he deadpanned.

“You know it.”

“Ya, don’t spit rice everywhere.”

Seunghyun laughed and grabbed for a napkin. When the food was gone, Youngbae went for the alcohol. Seunghyun accepted another drink, using it to drown the nagging voice in the back of his mind. It sounded suspiciously like Jiyong and he didn’t need that . Out of spite, he tossed back his first shot of soju and instantly regretted it.

Youngbae clapped him on the back as he coughed and choked, then settled in next to him. Very close. Close enough that they were cuddling, almost.

Twilight shifted to evening to full night around them. The movies came on, and they watched, each in turn drowsing, taking restroom breaks, fetching more alcohol.

“This is nice,” Youngbae said once they hit their third credits. His voice was slurring softly and the world seemed calm and warm. Seunghyun’s arm around his shoulders probably had a lot to do with that. He felt safe. Protected. Small.

He looked up from his nest and Seunghyun looked down at him.

Good job, Seunghyun chastised himself. In 24 hours they were right back to what he’d fled. It felt so good, though. It had been a long time since - since - well, he didn’t really know what this was so he had no clue but-

Youngbae brought a hand up to his chest and his lips.

“You’re drunk again,” Seunghyun said. He tried to get his body to move, to get away but Youngbae’s hand was warm and touch was such a beautiful thing.

“Not that drunk.” Youngbae dragged the palm of his hand across Seunghyun’s chest. So different but, in the half-dark half-drunk of a night together, he couldn’t quite remember why it was wrong. He figured his usual disgust should be coming along shortly but for now he wanted to Seunghyun’s chest. It was flat, and hard and that excited him.

Seunghyun hissed, and Youngbae looked up into his eyes. His skin was flushed, his eyes dark and wide. His lips. “You’re so hot,” Youngbae whispered.

Seunghyun’s fragile self-control shattered and he grabbed Youngbae, lifting him and planting him solidly on his lap. Youngbae’s world lurched. He’d never- ever - been handled. There was no other word for it. Seunghyun’s hands were on his hips, moving him, pushing and pulling him.

Youngbae expected a kiss but instead Seunghyun pressed up against him, burying his face in Youngbae’s neck. He felt Seunghyun’s breath, hot and ragged against his collar. Seunghyun was hard and this time Youngbae didn’t recoil.

In a calculated move, Seunghyun rolled them onto the couch, laying himself over Youngbae. He took Youngbae’s lips, each one in turn while his hands pinned Youngbae’s shoulders to the couch. He was liberal with his strength.

It wasn’t his first time with a ‘straight’ guy. It wasn’t his first round as ‘test-subject’. Men were used to pursuing, dominating, being stronger. They found the turn-about with another man intoxicating.

Youngbae groaned against him and answered his demanding s with pulsating s of his own.

Seunghyun growled, knowing the depth of his voice would be tantalizing to someone used to high-pitched sighs and cries.

Youngbae felt fire along every nerve. This was different than anything - anything but last night. He felt hungry as Seunghyun devoured him. He pushed up against Seunghyun’s hands and found himself immobile. It should make him panic but instead, a part of him seemed to unwind, unspooling in Seunghyun’s power.

A fist seemed to clamp itself around Seunghyun’s heart, so tight he could barely breathe. Youngbae was in his arms, under him, writhing and whimpering for his kisses. It was a million self-denied dreams come true. It was better than that. He could never have imagined this particular taste, the exact pitch and tenor of Youngbae’s lust.

Seunghyun broke off kissing to bury his head in the cushion by Youngbae’s head. Youngbae was ing up into him, and Seunghyun could feel the outline of his through two pairs of soft pajamas. Youngbae was big, he’d know that. Ten shared years had provided that information, but knowing and feeling were two different things.

His hands shook as his fingers threaded themselves through Youngbae’s hair. Seunghyun loved the platinum. He dragged his hand down, to pull the white fringe over the side of Youngbae’s face, down to his shoulders. Youngbae’s hair glowed against the skin exposed by his A-shirt.

“Hyung,” Youngbae whined as the hand kept going, down to tweak at an erect through fabric. Youngbae was beautifully responsive. He wanted it, he wanted more. Seunghyun wanted to see every shade and shadow and bright blinding light that existed in Youngbae.

Looking up, Youngbae tried to take in Seunghyun’s face, his eyes, the shadows along his cheek and brow. He pressed a hand up to cup Seunghyun’s neck.

“Thish is nishe,” he managed but his vision blurred and he had to close his eyes.

He’s really drunk, Seunghyun realized. No, this could not happen, not like this. Seunghyun pushed himself off Youngbae.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?”

“This.” Seunghyun felt ice chilling his veins.

“You guys keep saying there’s nothing wrong with being gay!” Youngbae protested.

“There isn’t, but there is something wrong with this.”

“What, don’t you want me?” Youngbae sat to confront Seunghyun head on. “What’s wrong with me?”

Seunghyun pressed his palms over his eyes. “Nothing, nothing at all. But do you want this? Do you even know what this is?”

“I want it,” Youngbae pleaded.

“I don’t even know what this is but - you’re drunk.”

“I am not.”

“Yes, you are. I’m not doing it like this.”

Youngbae reached out and touched him, a slender hand on Seunghyun’s shoulder. “Hyung.”

“No, Bae.” Seunghyun looked at him. He was beautiful, face rough and raw, hair a mess and eyes- “If you want it, if you really want it, you tell me but you tell me when you’re sober. You look me in the eye and tell me what you want.” Something inside Seunghyun felt like it was breaking. It all felt so wrong. “You tell me and I’ll give it to you. If that is what you want.”

Youngbae didn’t understand. Seunghyun looked… crushed. “Seunghyun-”

“I’m gonna crash, Bae.” Seunghyun stood. “I’ll see you in the morning. We can talk then.” He paused. “Or not. You can pretend nothing happened if you want. It’s up to you. Figure out what you want.”

Seunghyun fled, feeling heartsick, leaving Youngbae alone on the cold couch.