True to his word, Seunghyun came back with Youngbae. All it had taken was striding in, unscheduled, to the CEO’s office and stating he had a song ready for release. The public was always thirsty for anything TOP did. When the CEO protested that they didn’t have the resources to support a full comeback Seunghyun had simply declined to promote.

Sales were plentiful, a resounding success. It offset the company’s loss of what had been supposed to be Taeyang’s full album but only Youngbae knew that had been its purpose.

Between that and his blossoming relationship with Hyorin, life seemed to be going well for what seemed like the first time in a long time. The grind of album production and promotion was always a drag but he had a little bouyouy of success to provide some much-needed support.

He found that instead of always being at Seunghyun’s, the pair of them wound up at Youngbae’s at least half the time they hung out. It was actually kind of nice, Youngbae realized, having Seunghyun around for drinks and chats and music, then have him leave for the night. Slowly his home started to actually feel like one.

“How goes the dating?” Seunghyun asked the week before Christmas. He was looking at the tree that Youngbae and Seunghyun had decorated together.

“It’s good I guess,” Youngbae said. He was happy that was for sure but a couple things Hyorin had said the last time they were together nagged at him.

“You guess?”

“I’m not sure.” Youngbae fidgeted. “It’s my first time.”

“Really?”

“Have you ever known of another of my girlfriends?” Youngbae felt painfully exposed.

“Well I always figured you were just - discreet,” Seunghyun said.

“Yeah, no, not discreet, inexperienced.”

“Oh,” Seunghyun mouthed into his wine glass.

“Man screw you.” Youngbae swiped the glass and finished it off.

“No, it’s ok.” Seunghyun tried to get the glass back and gave up.

“Whatever.” Youngbae poured another glass, almost overfilling the cup. Seunghyun arched a brow. “What’s it like with a guy?” Youngbae asked and Seunghyun froze mid-attempt at pilfering the wine bottle.

“Like dating a guy?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you ask?”

Youngbae shrugged. “I don’t know. I just am not sure if I’m doing something wrong.”

“Well how is my experience with guys gonna help?”

“I don’t know. I just figure it’s probably not that different than dating a girl.”

“Except the ?” Seunghyun asked pointedly.

Youngbae flinched. “Yeah I guess.”

“You know, I have dated women.”

“Really? Like those were for real not-” Youngbae feebly waved a hand in the air.

“No, they were not beards.”

“Oh, so you can date girls.” Youngbae mulled the thought over. “Then - why -”

“Why even bother with men?” Seunghyun cut in bitterly.

“I mean, like, I’m sure your mom would like it if you wound up with a girl and wouldn’t it just be easier?”

“Who do you love more, your mom or brother?”

“What do you mean more?” Youngbae scoffed, not following the turn of conversation.

“I mean if you could only pick one, which would you pick.”

“I don’t know, maybe mom?”

“But why would you even pick?”

“Because you asked me!”

“Yeah, but like, you didn’t have to answer the question I asked.”

“But you asked it!”

“But what if you love and want both of them in your life, sometimes one and sometimes the other?”

“Yeah but that’s not the question you asked.”

Seunghyun flicked his forehead and Youngbae flinched. “Exactly.”

“What! That doesn’t even make sense.”

Seunghyun hummed and grabbed the wine bottle, leaving Youngbae with the too-full glass. Youngbae tried to parse through the mud Seunghyun tried to pass off as an explanation. “It doesn’t make sense,” he muttered to himself.

“Kay,” Seunghyun said.

“You’re infuriating,” Youngbae complained.

“Kay,” Seunghyun repeated.

“So I heard you’re looking at a new movie.” Youngbae’s brain needed a change of conversation.

“Yeah.” Seunghyun looked discomfited and Youngbae relished turning the tables.

“I hear it’s got a bed scene.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

Youngbae trailed a finger down Seunghyun’s chest and was batted away. “So how you gonna deal with that.” Seunghyun’s prudery was notorious. Well, in public at least. Youngbae had seen him pantsless too many times for sanity.

“I dunno, I’m gonna have to work out.”

Youngbae choked on his whine and Seunghyun glared. “No, hyung, hyung it’s ok. Look, look I can help!”

“ off,” Seunghyun said.

They sat in silence, listening to Verbal Jint on Youngbae’s surround sound.

“Hey, seriously, would you help me?” Seunghyun asked after a few tracks.

“Of course hyung.”

The shoes of last year were on other feet as Youngbae hauled Seunghyun to several fitness stores shortly after the New Year. He pointed out various machines while Seunghyun gaped at him stupidly. Eventually Youngbae just picked for him and showed up a week later to supervise its installation in a corner of Seunghyun’s home.

“I hate exercise,” Seunghyun whined, collapsing dramatically onto the couch once the delivery men left.

“Hyung, you’ve done it before.”

“And I hated it then.” Scrunching up his face, Seunghyun rolled off the bed and grabbed for his smokes in protest. “I hate it.”

Youngbae swatted the pack from his hand. “Come on, suit up and meet me back here in 10 minutes.”

“Aww Bae,” Seunghyun pouted.

“I mean if you want to take off your shirt and let a whole film crew see the flab, be my guest.”

“I hate you.”

Youngbae blew him kisses which Seunghyun swatted out of the air as though he were a child. Youngbae rolled his eyes. “You love me, go get dressed.”

Seunghyun returned to a fitness-attired Youngbae, there must have been workout clothes in his stash.

“Take off the top,” Youngbae commanded.

Affronted, Seunghyun gripped the front of his shirt. “How dare you! I’m a good girl,” Seunghyun said, pitching his voice high.

“Whatever, let me see what we’re working with.”

“Ugh, fine.” Seunghyun stripped.

Youngbae eyed him appraisingly. Really, Seunghyun was in decent shape for all his hard living. Idol life made certain demands after all. He did, actually, look really good. Youngbae looked at the lines of his chest and torso. Seunghyun was well made, delicate. There were faint scars, stretch marks from his heavy-set youth. Youngbae half smiled, remembering the chubby kid he’d met so long ago. The marks were evidence of Seunghyun’s dogged dedication. He was ruthless with himself, when he wanted it. For all his childish antics, he was strong. Youngbae had learned to appreciate just how strong.

Seunghyun realized where Youngbae was looking and covered himself, embarrassed. Youngbae blinked, realized he’d been staring.

“Hyung, it’s ok,” Youngbae said. “We all have them.”

Seunghyun scoffed. “You gonna tell me you, Mr. Skinny, have stretchmarks.”

“Everyone has stretch marks, hyung,” Youngbae said. “They come when you grow.”

“And when you’re fat.”

“And when you grow.”

“And when you grow,” Seunghyun mimicked. Youngbae shoved his shirt at him, ignoring the complaints.

Thus, working out was added to the list of activities in their repertoire. When asked when he had time for a girlfriend, amidst the schedules, concert appearances, album writing and the seeming endless hours he spent with just Seunghyun (not even taking into account the time he must be spending with Jiyong and their crew), Youngbae just shrugged.

Seunghyun should have seen it coming but Hyorin rarely featured in their conversations. He knew Youngbae was smitten but for some reason she never came up. He chalked it up to bashfulness, but he shouldn’t have been surprised when he got a text from Youngbae.

Youngbae 11:45pm

She dumped me.

Seunghyun 12:15am

Wait, what? Dumped you!? Why?

Youngbae 12:16am

I don’t know. I mean I know.

I don’t know.

Hyung

Seunghyun 12:29am

Yah, I’m coming in.

Youngbae’s front door beeped his entry code. He didn’t have the energy to leave the couch, but he did manage to grab a fresh pillow to replace the tear-soaked one that fell to the floor as he shifted.

Seunghyun didn’t speak, simply slid onto the couch behind Youngbae and slung a comforting arm around him, a welcome, familiar warmth. Youngbae cried, broken hearted. Seunghyun held him.

Youngbae must have dozed because when he blinked, the light in the room was no longer pitched black. Hazy blue spilled in from the windows that faced the Han River.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Seunghyun whispered.

“Have you been awake this whole time?”

Seunghyun ignored him to ask again, “wanna talk?”

Youngbae rolled onto his back to look up at the ceiling and Seunghyun shifted to sit, Youngbae’s legs across his lap. “I know what she said.”

“What did she say?”

Youngbae closed his eyes and spoke to the darkness behind his eyelids. “She said she liked me, a lot, maybe loved-” his voice broke, “maybe loved - loved m-me.” Seunghyun his leg and waited as pain shuddered through Youngbae’s body.

After several long minutes he could speak again. “She said that I wasn’t around enough,” he whispered, voice raw and weak. “She liked me too much to never see me. It hurt her too much.”

“Why didn’t you see her?”

“I don’t know, you know, you know what this life is like.”

Seunghyun did know. He’d lost his fair share of relationships for the exact same reason. “I’m so sorry, Bae.” He didn’t say why he was sorry. He should have seen what was happening. The long line of his own losses, relationships shriveled due to neglect, ran through his mind. Their jobs would consume every moment of their lives if they let it. He should have told Youngbae - who’d never really dated before - should have warned him what it was like. Guilt stabbed at his heart. “I’m sorry, Bae,” he repeated. It was the only thing he could say.

“She liked me, and I ruined it.”

They sat together as dawn shifted to morning, to midday. Eventually life called and they both left to their own schedules. That evening, though, instead of going home, Seunghyun grabbed some pajamas and drove to Youngbae’s.

There were no spoken words, but the relief in Youngbae’s eyes was enough for Seunghyun. He took up his favorite perch on Youngbae’s couch and demanded ramen, for all the world like a spoiled child.

Youngbae, though, found deep meaning in serving those he loved. Seunghyun had known that for years. Youngbae needed someone to take care of, and so Seunghyun made himself as helpless as possible.

Their life fell into a parallel of the summer before. Seunghyun filmed, used Youngbae’s home gym, and made a general nuisance of himself. Youngbae recognized and appreciated it. Jiyong was holed up with his own writing woes, so their arrangement seemed to work.

Seungri 7:55 pm

Wanna party?

Youngbae 8:03 pm

The heck?

No.

Seungri 8:07pm

Aye just asking. You're becoming like Seunghyun hyung… disappearing for days on end.

Look break-ups but you gotta get back out there! Come out tonight. I can get us into this place

I was there last night

Everyone there is suuuuuper hawt. Come on.

Youngbae looked around his empty house. Seunghyun was filming late tonight, his bed scene. Youngbae took a moment to pat himself on the back. He’d caught a look at Seunghyun on his way to the shower this morning. Youngbae had definitely done good work; the fangirls would be pleased.

But all that meant now was he faced the prospect of being home alone. His mind took that moment to remind him of what Hyorin had looked like, standing in his kitchen at 2 am clothed in only her long black hair and one of his button ups.

It had only ever happened twice, her sleeping over. Ugh, he’d been so stupid. He should have had her here every night. She had been right.

Seunghyun was over all the time now, last year he’d nearly been living at Seunghyun’s. And between that they never went more and 4 days without hanging out at one home or the other. It should have been Hyorin sharing his space, his time, like that.

He slammed his hand down onto his kitchen counter, hard enough to sting. He deserved it, adding some mental kicks for good measure.

Seeing his fellow band members regularly wouldn't draw attention like trying to sneak a woman around. That had been his reasoning in hindsight he saw it for the excuse it was. Really, he had just been scared. What did he care if Seunghyun or Jiyong saw him with morning breath or messed up hair? What did they care if he wasn't gentlemanly every second of the day?

But girls weren't like that, were they?

“You don't ever let me in.” Hyorin’s voice echoed in his memory.

No, he needed to get out of the house.

Youngbae 8:30pm

Ya, where should I meet you?

While he waited for Seungri to respond he hopped over his chat with Seunghyun.

Youngbae 8:30pm

Hyung Fighting!

Seunghyun was probably a wreck, poor old man. Still, he had no need. He had looked really good that morning.

An hour later he rolled up to the club, hair and clothes immaculate. He pushed through a crowd of people to be waved in by the guy at the door. It had been weeks since he’d been to a club. The assault of noise and lights were almost too much for someone who had been schepping between home and work for weeks.

“Youngbaaaeeee!” Seungri’s hyena laugh caught and pulled him. “Ya, you made it.” Seungri was in tight black everything, so he seemed nothing but a disembodied face lit in garish shifting hues of green and orange and blue.

“Yes,” Youngbae said, returning Seungri’s hug half-heartedly.

“Ai, we’ll fix you up.” And then there was a drink in his hand and he was being propelled into a writhing sea of bodies. “Look, Youngbae-hyung, at all the hotness that is out there.”

“Ya, don’t shout,” Youngbae chastised, uncomfortably aware of the pair of girls smirking at them knowingly. An embarrassed flush stung his cheeks.

“Yeah, you know it,” Seungri said to the women and they giggled. “And you can’t hear me if I don’t shout,” Seungri told Youngbae.

Youngbae rolled his eyes but figured he should get it over with. There were women, beautiful women, all around him, dancing with him in turns. A few hazarded tentative touches, others gave him appraising looks and sultry smiles. Some gawked and turned to their friends, mouths covered by polite hands.

Yes, he was short. It took many by surprise. Thankfully, celebrity added a foot of height at least. No one looked repulsed. He waded into the fray and tried, really he tried, to let loose in the music.

It didn’t help.

He lasted less than half an hour before he begged off and went in search of a private booth. An attendant posted at the foot of a roped off staircase nodded to him and gestured. Seungri had apparently had the forethought to commandeer space for them. There was no one in the both, half shrouded with a curtain and labeled with a prominent ‘Reserved’ card. That suited Youngbae fine.

The waitress was, blessedly, professional. There were no -eyes or cutsie giggles. She took his order and disappeared.

Hyorin had enjoyed a night in a club, it went with their territory, but she was really more at ease over a small dinner, with wine and conversation and gentle ambience. He’d really loved that. She’d always left him feeling contented, at peace.

The majority of the dance floor was visible from his vantage. Seungri had been right: a sea of beautiful people, and he felt like he was drowning.

“Hey, no sulking.” Seungri’s voice crashed through Youngbae’s musings. Youngbae scowled at his drink. He looked up and found Seungri wasn’t alone. It wasn’t his full entourage just one guy, but it was someone he’d never met before.

Seungri slid into the booth beside him, the boy with him right behind.

“Who’s your friend?” Youngbae asked, he nodded at the other man, who smiled and ducked his head.

“Minhyuk,” Seungri provided, not even looking at Youngbae.

Oh, that kind of friend. Discomfort churned Youngbae’s stomach as the, admittedly beautiful, boy latched on to Seungri’s neck. He averted his eyes. “Hi, Minhyuk.”

It had been years. Jiyong, Seungri, Seunghyun - he’d never really be able to get comfortable watching two men-

“Go find yourself someone,” Seungri suggested and he nudged Youngbae under the table with his foot.

“I’m good.”

“Look, Bae,” Seungri said, leaning forward. Minhyuk left off kissing to drape himself over Seungri’s shoulder. “I’ve broken up before. The best thing is to just get back out there. It’s tough, yeah but just - you gotta go for it.” He gestured at the crowd below them. “You will never find hotter girls - or boys-” Seungri broke off to nuzzle at Minhyuk. Youngbae watched as the pair thoroughly distracted themselves.

This time, it was at least a minute before he looked away. He was halfway through his drink before they came to, Minhyuk breaking off a kiss to whisper in Seungri’s ear.

“Ah, what was I saying?” Seungri asked as Minhyuk, with a bow, excused himself to the restroom. The marks already bruising his neck were incongruous in someone so polite. Youngbae nodded and Seungri’s hand swooped in to take Youngbae’s drink.

“Ya, get your own!”

Seungri ignored him and tossed the drink back. Good thing Youngbae had a bottle. He took an empty glass and poured himself another, glaring at Seungri all the while.

“Seriously, it’s too bad you don’t go for the guys cuz -” Seungri sighed. Youngbae wanted to be anywhere else. This whole night had been a bad idea. “I just don’t get you straights.”

“Straights!?”

“I’m just saying, did you see that boy?”

“Yes,” Youngbae said. “He is pretty.”

“He was gorgeous. And, god, but they give good head.”

“I don’t want to hear him giving head.”

“I’m just saying -” Seungri took Youngbae’s drink again, “like some girls can give good head but you never know how it’s gonna go until they’re already down there. Guys, though, guys know what feels good on a .”

Youngbae’s own gave a twitch. How much had he drunk? It had obviously been too long since he’d had any sort of intimate contact with a woman. “I’m gonna go, Ri,” he said.

“Aw, hyung, I’m sorry. Look I get it, you don’t like them like that. Though have you ever tried? Ok, no, sorry, sorry, I’ll shut up.”

Youngbae loved him, truly he did but sometimes Seungri just-

“Here.” Seungri returned Youngbae’s half empty cup. He grabbed for the bottle and topped it off. “I’m sorry, I’m being a . Look, you just sit and drink. Do what you want. I won’t say .”

“Aish,” Youngbae snapped, taking back his drink. But he settled deep into the booth cushions instead of leaving. As bad as it was, if Seungri promised to be quiet, then it had to be better than being home alone.

True to his word, Seungri didn’t talk anymore, not that Minhyuk’s return allowed for it. The two latched on to one another the second the pretty boy sat down. Youngbae alternated between staring at nothing and drinking.

“Like the show?” Seungri asked. Youngbae blinked. He’d been - staring - at them. The world softly swayed behind his eyelids. “Ya, how much did you drink?”

“I’m good, not drunk,” Youngbae said.

“I’m assuming you said you aren’t drunk.” Seungri laughed at Youngbae, maybe. “S’ok, I called Jiyong to pick you up.”

“I don’t need it,” Youngbae moved as if to stand and froze. He was rock hard. How the hell? He must have gotten really relaxed. Groaning he pressed a hand between his thighs, willing the away.

“Ya, Bae.” Jiyong’s voice crashed through the haze of Youngbae’s thoughts moments later.

“Took you long enough,” Seungri snarked.

“Shut it, maknae,” Jiyong said. “Who was that?”

“I know right?” Seungri audibly gloated.

“You taking that home tonight?” Jiyong asked.

“Why, jealous?”

“Nah, let me get Bae home and I’ll come back and get better.”

Seungri scoffed and Youngbae realized he really had no clue what was going on.

“Come on, Bae,” Jiyong said and Youngbae felt himself lifted. “Let's get you home.”

“Seunghyun isn’t home yet.” Youngbae tried to make sense of his sense but gave up. It made no sense. Either way, Jiyong didn’t answer. Youngbae tried to find Jiyong’s face but his world was a shifting array of light and the steady thrum of his heart - or the music. He couldn’t tell anymore. “I like Seunghyun.”

“I’m glad y’all are close now,” Jiyong responded. Youngbae was suddenly really cold. They must be outside.

“Too bad hyung is a woman.”

“He isn’t a woman.”

“Yeah, too bad.” There was a soft flutter of his hair and Youngbae leaned into it.

“Let’s get you in bed, here drink this.” A water bottle was shoved into Youngbae’s hand. He stuffed it in his pocket. “Aish, don’t throw it.” The world seemed to tilt sideways. “Ya, Bae, why are you so drunk?”

“I like Seunghyun.”

“Yes, I know, you said.”

“I miss Hyorin.”

“Don’t cry, Bae…. where is that driver?”