Minseok searched in three different languages, scouring search engines for Hanahaki disease, desperate to understand what was afflicting him. He found little, a few strange social media posts, a person asking if it was always fatal, and what seemed to be a medical paper on it in Japanese – which the translator app mucked up horribly. Luhan had said it was rare, so was the lack of available information on the disease surprising?

Minseok still couldn’t grasp the potential death sentence that came along with the disease. It seemed so outrageous, so...unlikely. But what else did he have to go on? He debated sneaking off to see a doctor but if what Luhan said was right that would mean being holed up in a hospital, maybe even shortening his life span.

So the alternative was aggressively attempting to love Luhan more. Honestly, it was the best treatment he had ever heard of. Love Luhan and be loved in return. Hell, he had liked been in love with Luhan for years. And now he knew his feelings were returned. They loved each other. They could date and hold hands and…

“Why am I like this?” Minseok groaned, burying his head in his pillow. He felt like a shy pre-teen seeing a kiss on television while his parents sat next to him. He was making himself sick.

He grinned like a fool as he picked up his phone and shot Luhan a message.

Let’s fall more in love<3

He dropped his phone like it was scalding and returned to burrowing into his bedding, his cheeks warm, a fluttering feeling in his chest adding to the already dizzying array of sensations. Luhan liked him. he liked Luhan. And now they had to save each other.

 

“How’d your date go?” Minseok’s father called out from his place on the sofa.

Minseok had crept towards the front door as quietly as possible, failing miserably. He was caught. “It wasn’t a date,” he muttered, still smiling and feeling like a fool.

“Where are you going?” his mother called from her place next to his father. They were arguing over the remote, a common sight.

“I’m going to hang out with Luhan. I’ll be back later, bye,” he rambled, running for the door and making it out before his parents could bombard him with more questions.

It had only been a couple of hours since the epic love confession but they both agreed time was of the essence. Luhan had texted Minseok asking him to meet him outside so they could hang out some more and Minseok readily agreed, giddy and bashful and how could he say no oh-wow-Luhan-really-liked-him-holy--best-day-ever.

It was a repeat of the morning, Luhan leaning against the wall between their apartments looking far too attractive for his own good. This time when Luhan looked him up and down Minseok knew why (though is embarrassment hadn’t lessened).

“Where should we go?” Minseok asked, walking towards the elevator. Were they dating now? Was this…. were they…

Luhan caught up with him. Before Minseok could react, the other boy grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers. “Let’s go somewhere quiet, we should talk more.”

Minseok would agree to almost anything with Luhan’s hand squeezing his own. It was an amazing feeling. It wasn’t like he had never held hands before but this was different. It was a heady, exciting sensation that made him feel like he was on top of the world, like he was literally floating on a cloud.

Luhan liked him. They liked each other. They were holding hands. And they were also going to die, apparently. Okay, so there was a big downside to things.

“How do we fall more in love?” Minseok asked, stepping into the elevator first, never letting go of Luhan’s hand.

“Can I kiss you?” Luhan blurted out.

Minseok nodded, heart rate instantly increasing at the prospect of Luhan kissing him. He closed his eyes immediately, probably giving it away that he had only been kissed a couple of times before – awkward pecks in middle school. He jumped when he felt the press of Luhan’s lips on his own, a chaste kiss that was over too soon.

“You’re so cute,” Luhan whispered, free hand coming up to cup Minseok's cheek.

Minseok dared to look at him, immediately noting the pink dusting on Luhan’s cheeks that likely mirrored his own.

The elevator stopped at the sixth floor, spurring the teenagers to pull apart from each other. They still held hands but they were no longer face to face with lovesick expressions on their faces. Minseok tried not to laugh when a woman entered the elevator, giving the pair a suspicious look – almost like she knew what they had been doing.

Minseok and Luhan exchanged glances, smiling and biting their lips in unison to hold back their laughter. They shared their mirth without words, their gazes locked as they tried not to appear as guilty as they were.

Is this what love felt like, Minseok wondered. This intense feeling, this good feeling, this shared feeling. How were they going to make it better than this?

 

“Step number four, put the row back in romance.”

When Luhan had suggested they go somewhere to talk Minseok hadn’t realized that meant go to the football field, sit in the bleachers and rattling off tips from Cosmo’s How to Fall Deeper in Love guide. He had assumed it would be much more hand holding and sickeningly sweet whispers and oh wow he was a pre-teen wasn’t he. That or he watched far too much Hallmark channel back in the day.

“How do you feel about rowing?” Luhan asked, pen in hand to jot down notes on the magazine.

“I... guess so.” Minseok had never been on a boat much less rowed one.

“If you don’t want to that’s fine. i mean we might die but-”

“It’s fine, Luhan. It’s fine.” Minseok held his hand up to shush his...wait, they were dating, right? “We um...are we…”

“Doomed to die unless we fall deeply in love? Yes, unfortunately.” Luhan pursed his lips.

“No. Boyfriends. Are we boyfriends?”

“Yes. I mean I think. If you want to be.” Luhan looked hopeful.

“Yes, I do.” Minseok smiled shyly.

“I just hope we stay alive long enough to enjoy dating.” Luhan frowned again. He set the magazine aside and sighed.

Minseok bit his bottom lip, lost in his own thoughts. He still couldn’t quite believe he was dying, it didn’t make sense. But he knew Luhan was convinced and at the mention of their impending doom the atmosphere grew serious and depressing.

He patted Luhan’s knee, snapping the other teenager out of his gloomy daze. “Let’s start on step one. We can do this.”

Luhan nodded. Step one was...cheesy in Minseok’s opinion, which was saying a lot considering his inner narrative of their relationship was basically a twelve year old’s dream of castles and fairy princesses. If Baekhyun and Jongdae ever learned just how ridiculously sappy he was being, he would never hear the end of it.

Step one - stare into each other’s eyes. Reconnect through the simple act of looking, really looking at the person you love. Or so the magazine said. “Can we blink?” Minseok asked, turning to the side and folding his legs. Luhan did the same, the two boys facing each other.

“I think so.” Luhan glanced at the magazine. “It doesn’t say anything about not blinking.”

Minseok put his hands in his lap and sat up straight, eyes locked with Luhan’s. It wasn’t more than a few seconds before he felt acutely embarrassed staring into the eyes of the person he had been crushing on for years his boyfriend.

Luhan wasn’t faring any better, though he seemed less likely to pull away. His face was red but he seemed like he was enjoying himself, eyes locked with Minseok’s.

“Why do you like me?” Minseok asked, honestly curious.

“You’re smart and cute and I’ve never seen anyone who can look like they could take Minho in a fight one second and then make me want to tuck them in the next. You never made fun of my accent when I transferred or made a point to be fake nice to me, which I appreciate. I heard you memorized the entire dewey decimal system in your free time and for some reason that is so hot to me,” Luhan admitted.

It was hard not to look away as Minseok remembered the one instance he would have looked like he would fight Minho and that was gym class during a very boisterous game of dodgeball. “I’m really not cute,” Minseok muttered, adding, “And I never talked to you before you moved in. And yeah, I’m kind of a book nerd.”

“Okay, I admit it. You are way more y than cute. And yeah, you never talked to me. I liked the mystery.”

Apparently Luhan had no shame, Minseok realized. He swallowed, repeating in his mind that he shouldn’t break eye contact.

“Why do you like me?” Luhan challenged.

Damn, of course he would ask that. “You’re smart and um…nice. Really nice. And good looking.” Minseok’s voice wavered at the last part.

“You think I’m good looking?” Luhan teased, eyes brightening.

“Like you don’t know that. You have a fan club for crying out loud.” Minseok fought to keep from rolling his eyes.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. And um, when they find out about us they might be a bit–”

“I already figured as much.” Minseok knew Luhan’s fan club wasn’t going to take the news of him dating well but that was but another hurdle, a minor one if they were dying.

They lapsed into silence for a few seconds before Luhan spoke, the conversation returning to the dark cloud hanging over them. “Think of all the time we wasted liking each other and never admitting it,” Luhan sighed. “And now it may be too late.”

“Don’t say that! We just need to fall more in love!” Minseok reached for Luhan’s hand, desperation turning to courage.

Minseok broke eye contact when he felt something wet on his hand. He looked down, horrified to see a smattering of bird on his hand. Luhan stared at the offending sight as well before the pair made noises of disgust and sprung up from the bleachers.

A few minutes later, while washing his hands for the eighth time in the fieldhouse bathroom, Minseok wondered if they were more in love.

“Ready for step two?” Luhan called from outside the bathroom.

“Yeah, just a second.” Minseok washed his hands two more times before he left, ready to face what was next.

 

“Step two: try something new together. Embarking on a new experience with your partner creates memories and lets you see a different side of the one you love. New memories help strengthen the love you already feel for each other by adding to your shared experiences.” Luhan recited.

“What is something you have never done?” Minseok asked. They were sitting in Luhan’s car in the school parking lot, plotting their next move.

“I don’t know. There’s a lot.” Luhan tossed the magazine on his dash and began drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, deep in thought.

“Have you ever…” Minseok tried to think of somewhere close by they could go but he was coming up blank. “Wait, isn’t everything we do together new? I mean since we only just hung out today. Like even if we have done it individually we haven’t done it together.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Do you want to go get coffee?” Minseok asked.

“I’d love too.”

 

The pair sat in the corner of the cafe, steaming mugs of Americano in their hands. They had decided on a cafe neither had been to, just in case the having-done-something-but-not-together logic was flawed in some way.

“How will we know when we are cured?” Minseok wondered out loud.

“The disease will stop progressing,” Luhan said.

“Honestly, I haven’t noticed it getting worse.” Minseok had coughed up flowers but it wasn’t increasing in frequency nor did he feel particularly more ill than the first time it happened.

“Good, that means we have time yet.” Luhan took a drink of his coffee. “Let’s talk about something else. While we still can.”

“Sure.” Minseok tried to think of a topic but like with most things Luhan beat him to it.

“Would you sleep over at my house tonight?” Luhan asked casually.

Minseok almost spit out his coffee. “Tonight?!” He squeaked, bringing a napkin to his mouth to wipe away the drops.

“Yeah.”

Minseok was torn between immediately saying yes and being logical about the situation. First off his parents would probably not let him - they already thought he was dating Luhan (oh wait, he was) so sleeping over at his boyfriend’s house after the first date would be a big fat no. “I don’t think my parents will let me.”

“Oh.” Luhan frowned.

Silence descended over them.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Minseok asked, hoping to lighten the mood.

“Church and then some gathering thing my mom is dragging me to.”

“Oh.”

More silence.

“If we die can we be buried next to each other?” Luhan asked suddenly, yet again causing Minseok to choke on his coffee.

“We aren’t going to die!” he protested.

“Right,” Luhan said dryly.

Minseok missed how they were earlier in the day, shy smiles and hand holding and ….what had happened to that? Now it was awkward and uncomfortable and he couldn’t help but feel like he was both upsetting and disappointing Luhan with everything he said.

“I love you,” Minseok blurted out. It was the first time he had ever told someone other than his family that and it felt strange, honestly he wasn’t sure that it was true but it felt like the right thing to say.

Luhan smiled. “I love you too.”

“Tell me about your favorite football team.”

Minseok listened as Luhan rambled on happily about Manchester United, finding a measure of satisfaction in his ability to turn the conversation back to something lighthearted and fun.

He like spending time with Luhan, he was thrilled they had connected, that they liked each other – but everything had happened so fast. He was still unsure what to do, how to act – especially when Luhan was talking about a shared death sentence.

When they finally went home, saying goodbye in the hallway outside of their apartments, Minseok felt a pang of sadness but mostly a feeling of relief. He needed more time to think, to digest, to understand.

 

On Sunday night they met at a park near their apartment building. Luhan sat on the swings and Minseok stood in front of him, their lips pressed together far more times than not. Luhan taught Minseok how to kiss, tongue and all. Minseok wondered how he was so good at it but didn’t dare ask, because deep down he didn’t want to know who else Luhan had kissed in his short life.

He had spent the day trying to come to terms with everything that had happened – by dinnertime Minseok missed Luhan and knew he was in deep.

“I’m going to tell my friends about us tomorrow,” Minseok announced while they walked back to the apartments, hand in hand.

“Jongdae and Baekhyun, right?”

“Yeah. They’ll know something happened right away, there is no way I can hide it.” Minseok expected to be bombarded by the two the moment he walked into school. Having ignored several of their texts over the last two days certainly set off their suspicions, but he needed time to think.

“I missed you today,” Luhan said quietly.

“Me too.” Once again Minseok wondered just how they could deepen what they already felt, it was already overwhelming.

“Do you have time to do step three tomorrow?” Luhan asked, swinging their joined hands as they walked. “I think we should, I mean if we are going public anyway.”

“Yeah. That would be nice.” Minseok didn't admit he had forgotten what step three was, but minor details. He was sure whatever it was it would be okay, if it meant more time with Luhan, mixed up feelings and all, it would be okay.

 

It was not okay.

Minseok stared down the main hall of the largest building on campus and froze, rooted to the spot, too shocked to move, to talk, to do anything but stare.

The drive over had been nice, hand holding, a quick kiss in the parking garage. More butterflies in his stomach, no flowers coughed up, not one mention of impending death. Nice all around.

And then he had walked into school and everything changed.

Every locker. Every wall space that was otherwise unoccupied. Even the ing garbage cans were plastered with the red leaflets, declaring in bold white lettering I Love Kim Minseok and He Loves Me Wait, had Luhan drawn a stick figure picture of them holding hands and added it to the poster?!

What in the ….

“Surprise! I thought for step three we should go big or go home. It took me most of yesterday and I had to bribe Mr. Lee to let me in on a weekend but it was well worth it. Do you like it?” Luhan asked.

Minseok watched as students tore fliers down to get into their lockers. As students spotted the red posters for the first time and laughed. As they noticed that Luhan and Minseok were standing near the doorway. They were pointing. There were catcalls. And oh my ing god was that Jisu, the leader of Luhan’s fan club shooting daggers his way?!

Minseok was overcome with embarrassment, with anger. Everyone was looking at him, laughing.

A month ago Minseok was too terrified to even speak to Luhan. Four days ago, he was still a mess when he had to say ten words to him. A day ago he was saying sappy to him while they kissed at a playground. And now, now he was yelling at him for all the school to hear.

“What in the hell?! What were you thinking?” Minseok screamed, incredulous.

Luhan took a step back. “Y-you don’t like them?”

“This is so embarrassing.” Minseok gritted his teeth. “Why would you think this is a good idea? Why would you think that I want our relationship plastered all over school before I’ve even told my parents about us!”

“B-but step three was to declare your love publicly and Minseok we’re going to die if–”

“We’re not going to die god damnit!” Minseok walked over and tore a poster from the wall, crumpling it up in his fist. “This disease or whatever doesn’t even make sense! None of it makes sense!” He admitted his doubts in a moment of anger and embarrassment.

Luhan steeled himself, his mouth forming a tight line. He broadened his shoulders, standing tall. “You’re right, it doesn't; make sense.” He walked over and tore a poster off the wall, tossing it on the ground. “I have no idea what I was thinking.”

Luhan pushed past Minseok, stalking down the hall without another word.

Minseok watched him go. Ignoring the shocked stares, all eyes on him. He felt his bottom lip quiver, the tears threatening to come. He turned around and ran out of the school, dropping the crumpled poster as he fled.

 

“What hallucinogen did you give Luhan and how do I get some?”

Minseok lifted his head from the table, far enough to confirm Baekhyun and Jongdae were standing over him before he plopped it down again. “How did you know I was here?”

“Um, you just ran out of school so you were clearly not going home. The only other place you ever go when you are really pissed or upset is this cafe so it was easy to find you.” Jongdae slid in next to him, jostling Minseok, who still refused to look up. Baekhyun slipped into the seat across from him.

“Sounds like you had a wild weekend,” Baekhyun drawled.

Minseok grunted. “Don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fine.” Jongdae called out their order to the barista, a useless task considering the staff at the café were aware what the trio usually ordered.

“Minah broke up with Chanyeol,” Baekhyun informed Minseok. “Now he is listening to Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato on shuffle.”

“Chanyeol’s an idiot,” Minseok murmured, not admitting that he could use some Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato at the moment. His heart hurt, his head hurt...everything hurt. He was mad at Luhan but he was also mad at himself.

“So about that thing we are totally not talking about.” Jongdae started, pausing for a moment like he was waiting for Minseok to hit him. When he didn’t Jongdae continued. “I’m really happy you and Luhan finally connected or whatever it is that made him paint the school red with that horrible drawing. Like seriously I knew that guy had to be bad at something, no one is good at everything. Stick figures like not even good ones. All crooked and weird...”

Baekhyun cleared his throat. “What numb nuts was trying to say is that we are happy for you but not happy because you aren’t happy. Talk to us. We’re your friends. Do you want me to beat him up? I can beat him up.”

Minseok sighed. He raised his head up in resignation. He needed to talk to someone and the only people he could talk to were his two friends, he knew it. “No, don’t beat him up.”

“Punch him one time then?” Jongdae asked.

Minseok shook his head. “No. I just, everything happened so quickly.”

“Yeah, three days ago you said you didn’t even like him,” Baekhyun reminded him.

Minseok ignored it. “We connected and we realized we both like each other and then –” he hesitated, unable to say aloud the big issue, the issue that had Luhan plastering love declarations all over campus. The potential death sentence, the illness that Minseok was not entirely convinced existed. Yes, he had coughed up flower petals. Yes, that was not normal. Yes, apparently Luhan did too. Why was everything so complicated?! Why was everything so––

Minseok clutched his chest as he wretched, the familiar and dreaded tickling at the back of his throat causing his eyes to go wide. He pushed at Jongdae to move, which he did.

“What is it? What’s going on?” Jongdae yelled after him as Minseok ran for the bathroom.

He made it through the door when he retched out the first flower petal. He stumbled to a stall and slammed it shut when the second one came out, but that wasn’t it. By the time he was done a clump of flower petals rested in his hand, more than he had ever coughed up before.

“It’s getting worse,” he whispered, horrified. Luhan was right, they were dying.

He threw the petals in the garbage, wiped his face off, and hurried out of the cafe - telling his friends he would call them later.

“Dude, we skipped school for you,” Baekhyun yelled after him.

Minseok ignored him. He had to find Luhan, he had to make it right. His life depended on it.

 

Minseok knew Luhan’s class schedule by heart and yes that was because having a borderline creepy crush on the guy had made him memorize a lot of potentially strange things. Like what Luhan ate for lunch or how many times he dribbled the football during warm ups. He knew that at that time he would be in fourth period biology with his lab partner Doojoon, the striker on the football team.

Minseok had never skipped school and he most certainly had never burst into a classroom while skipping his own class to declare his love for his boyfriend. All a bunch of firsts - but time was of the essence. He pushed the classroom door open and without glancing at the teacher (he was still nervous he would chicken out, okay) he ran up to Luhan and announced loud enough for the entire class to hear “I love you and I’m sorry.”

Luhan’s mouth hung open as he stared up at Minseok, clearly surprised. Beside him Doojoon looked confused and perhaps a little disgusted by the whole thing. And then Luhan looked down, towards his desk.

Minseok hadn’t noticed the dead frog sitting in front of Luhan until it was too late. He glanced down, following Luhan’s gaze. Dead. Frog. Minseok threw up when he saw dead bugs. Dead. Frog.

Minseok covered his mouth and gagged, turning away from the dead animal. It didn’t help, there were dead frogs on every desk, students had been dissecting them. Minseok had opted out of that class for that reason, getting his science credits elsewhere. Now he was in a sea of dead frogs, innocent little tadpoles ending up on the desk of people who stuck gum under tables and considered actual balloon animals the height of modern art.

Minseok ran from the room, hand over his mouth as his stomach convulsed. It was the first time he had skipped school, the first time he had interrupted a class, and the first time he projectile vomited all over a poster Luhan made to declare his love, turning the red flier an ugly shade of brown.

 

“Are you feeling any better?” Luhan asked, handing a bottle of water to his boyfriend.

Minseok nodded. His nausea was gone just in time for his embarrassment to set in. They were at lunch, sitting outside on one of the benches despite the chill in the air.

A few seconds after Minseok threw up, Luhan was there, guiding him towards the nearest restroom. They made up through tears and a brief hug, Minseok pushing him away because “my breath is probably horrible”.

They had already been called to the principal's office and received their punishment – cleaning every flier off the school grounds plus a month of detention. Minseok knew that meant his parents had been called and he would have a lot of explaining to do when he got home later, but for now he was just focused on getting through the day.

The realization that he was dying had hit him like a ton of bricks, he was no longer skeptical. Now he needed to do whatever he could to save himself and to save Luhan, detention, dead frogs, and pissed off parents be damned.

“What was step four?” Minseok asked. “We should do it as soon as possible. Tomorrow.”

“Put the row back in romance,” Luhan recited. “Minseok,” he said softly, taking Minseok’s hand in his own. “I thought about it and I think the steps aren’t for us. I mean we fought because of it. I think we need to do something more drastic. Something not suggested by Cosmo.”

“Like what?” Minseok asked, adding, “I’ll do anything to save us. Anything.”

“.” Luhan swore the moment he looked towards the commons area. Minseok followed his gaze, spotting Jisu stalking towards them, a small gathering of students behind her. Just what he needed, a run in with the Luhan fan club.

Minseok braced himself for the onslaught. Jisu was too close to run away from plus fleeing would only delay the inevitable. He needed to face the wrath of Luhan’s fans. He needed to be sworn at, to hear the terrible things they would say, to –

“Kim Minseok. “Jisu stood in front of him, hands on her hips. “We hereby pledge ourselves to be your fans, through thick and thin.”

“Wait, what?” Minseok blinked in confusion.

Jisu glanced at Luhan, a look of disgust passing over her. When she turned back to Minseok her starry-eyed look returned. “We thought it was really cool how you stood up for what you believe in this morning. And how you burst into the biology lab.”

“So handsome,” someone in the group called out.

“Even if you must put up with someone like that,” Jisu nodded towards Luhan. “We are still your fans.”

Luhan’s fan club had jumped ship…for him?! What in the….

“What about me?” Luhan asked, pouting.

“What about you?” Jisu replied.

“I thought…” Luhan trailed off.

“You embarrassed Minseok.” Jisu said pointedly. “And you plastered your poster over our recruitment flier. There is nothing more to talk about unless you want to join the Minseok fan club.”

“I don’t need a fan club, really.” Minseok waved his hands in front of him frantically, the shock of it wearing off.

“Of course you do. We all need fans,” Jisu smiled at him. She gave Luhan one more dirty look before turning heel and stalking away, her posse following her.

“I can’t believe you stole my fan club,” Luhan muttered once they were gone.

“Yeah.” Minseok had to agree, it was downright bizarre. But then again, what wasn’t downright bizarre of late….

 

They parted with a kiss that probably went on a little too long considering they were both already in deep and standing in the hallway outside their respective apartments.

“Text me,” Luhan husked, pecking Minseok on the cheek.

“I will,” Minseok promised, dreading what was to come.

He punched in the door code slowly, terrified. He had never been in serious trouble with his parents because he didn’t do much to be scolded for. Sure, they had the typical parental / teenager arguments but nothing like what he thought he was about to face.

He walked into the apartment at a snail’s pace, toeing off his shoes while listening for movement, trying to discern where everyone was. He was three hours later than normal thanks to cleaning up the school (which wasn’t entirely done) plus detention. Dinner was probably already done and eaten. His father would already be home.

He crept along the hall and to the living room, his heart rate increasing with every step. Why was he so afraid of being yelled at when he might drop dead soon?

“I never thought I would see the day.”

Minseok stilled, glancing towards the living room. He felt the blood drain from his face. His parents were sitting on the sofa, unreadable expressions on their face. He immediately bowed, bending ninety degrees and begging forgiveness. His pleas were met with...laughter.

“Congrats son. Didn’t think you had it in you,” his father stood up and walked over, clapping Minseok on the back.

“Luhan is such a good catch. I am so happy for you,” his mother crooned.

“Y-you, wait what?” Minseok was dumbfounded.

“I mean you’re still in deep for skipping school but man, to think he plastered the halls like that.” His mother chuckled, slapping at his father’s arm. “Remember that time you announced over the loudspeaker that–”

“Don’t remind me. So embarrassing,” his father interrupted, his face reddening at the memory.

Minseok watched, completely unsure of what to do, what to say.

“We figured since you spent Saturday hanging out with him something was going on. Your father kept saying a boy like Luhan probably wouldn’t date someone like you so we weren’t entirely confident even if I swore you’re a good catch.” His mother winked at him.

“Mom! Dad!” He shut his eyes, cringing.

“Your sister is heartbroken, by the way,” his father whispered. “She’s been blasting Taylor Swift all evening.”

Minseok listened. Sure, enough he could hear faint music coming from the direction of his sister’s room. How grand, he sarcastically mused.

“You’ll be grounded for a month and that means no seeing that boyfriend of yours, but I’m sure being neighbors and classmates you guys will figure something out.” His mother winked again. Was she advocating sneaking out?

“I need to do homework,” Minseok made a beeline for his room.

“Honey, I made you a juice drink with your dinner, it is on the counter. Don’t forget to eat,” his mother called after him.

Minseok ignored the offered food and rushed to his room, closing the door and leaning against it.

“I’m not joining your fan club!” he heard his sister scream from her bedroom.

He was dying. His parents were thrilled he was dating Luhan. HIs sister was pissed he was dating her crush. He had his own fan club. He had projectile vomited on the first public love confession he had ever received. , why was being a teenager so damn complicated?!

 

“Hey,” Luhan greeted him with the usual dose of affection the next morning, except the usual was a tad bit more intense of late. He set his traveler’s mug of Red Bull and coffee down and pulled Minseok into a hug, planting a kiss on the crown of his head.

“Hey,” Minseok said, his words spoken into Luhan’s school jacket.

“I’m grounded,” Luhan announced.

“Me too,” Minseok said as he broke the hug, stepping away. “But it’s worth it.”

“Yes, it is. And we can find a way around it, I’m sure.” Luhan flashed a cheeky smile, his arm going to the small of Minseok's back as they walked down the hall.

Minseok wondered if his butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling would ever leave him but then it occurred to him it would – of course it would – if he died. He silently prayed he wouldn’t cough up anymore petals, that he had been cured.

“I dreamed we were having a with Cristiano Ronaldo.”

Minseok stopped short. “What?!”

Luhan shrugged, his brown bangs falling in his face. He pushed them away, still grinning. “You were really good. Even Cristiano was impressed.”

Minseok flushed. “You’re so weird.”

“But you like me,” Luhan cooed, grabbing Minseok’s hand.

“Yeah. I do,” Minseok admitted. He liked Luhan a lot. Hopefully enough to save both of their lives.

 

“Okay this seems like a terrible idea but whatever.” Baekhyun set his tray down next to Minseok, eyes trained on the row of football players sitting across from them.

“Be nice,” Minseok hissed under his breath.

Luhan had been the one to suggest they bring their friends together. “A couple who socializes together can appreciate more about their partner. Or that one site said so. Maybe we should try it?”

Minseok couldn’t say no when Luhan gave him the omg-we-are-going-to-die-please-do-this look.

“So…kick any balls lately?” Jongdae asked loudly, taking the seat on the other side of Minseok.

Minho, the forward center of the team and Luhan’s best friend, narrowed his eyes at the newcomers. “Why, you want to play with some balls?”

Jongdae sputtered, earning a loud guffaw from Minho. Luhan fidgeted in his seat, sandwiched between Minho and Doojon, directly across from Minseok.

“Minho, Doojoon this is Baekhyun and Jongdae,” Luhan gave the introductions. “And you know Minseok, my boyfriend.”

“Hi.” Minseok waved at the two men. He had barely ever spoken to them before, so what Luhan was saying was a stretch.

“Hey,” Doojoon uttered, going back to his heap of mashed potatoes.

Minseok felt awkward, he wasn’t sure what to say. He looked to Baekhyun, who never seemed to have that problem. Baekhyun looked back and shrugged, diving into his own plate of cafeteria food.

“So, Baekhyun. Jongdae, what do you like to do for fun?” Luhan asked, trying to start some kind of conversation.

“Oh, you know. Hang out. Get coffee. Talk about people,” Baekhyun rambled. “How about you guys?”

“Well we like to play football. Basketball. Watch them of course.” Minho got starry eyed talking about sports.

“What about non-ball things?” Jongdae asked, recovering from his earlier snapback from Minho.

“We play hockey sometimes,” Minho offered.

Jongdae flashed a thumbs up. “That’s more like it.”

Minseok looked at Luhan, their eyes meeting. They shared a look of discomfort. Bringing their friends together was not going as planned, not even a little bit.

“So have you guys ever given head?” Baekhyun suddenly asked. “Have any tips.”

“Baekhyun!” Minseok screeched, pinching his friend’s side.

“Yeah, I have,” Doojoon admitted.

Suddenly all eyes were on the tall football player. Minseok was shocked, he didn’t know Doojoon was into guys.

“You have tips, spill them,” Doojoon ordered.

Minseok knew Baekhyun had exactly zero tips to give since the closest he had ever gotten to a was when he touched his own or ogled Kyungsoo’s across the showers after gym. He waited, wondering what Baekhyun would say.

“You first,” Baekhyun countered.

Minseok sat back, mouth slightly open in surprise as Doojoon recounted giving good head in a low voice. It was not the type of conversation he thought they would have over lunch but it was the only one that seemed to bring the two groups together. It was exceedingly bizarre.

 

Minseok received the urgent text message in the middle of afternoon study hall. He had to stop himself from running down the halls to reach Luhan, settling on a half-jog. When he arrived at the second floor bathroom he could hear Luhan crying softly.

“Let me see,” Minseok demanded.

Luhan held a fistful of petals. “It’s getting worse,” he whispered, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Minseok cupped his faced, wiping away the tears with the pads of his thumbs.

“What do we do?” he whispered.

“I don’t know,” Luhan said sadly.

 

Minseok walked out of his last class in a daze. He hadn’t been able to concentrate since the incident with Luhan – death was on his mind. When he spotted Luhan waiting for him at the end of the hall he couldn’t even muster a smile.

“I have an idea,” was the first thing Luhan said. He grabbed Minseok’s arm and guided him towards a deserted side hall.

“What?” Minseok asked, hoping it would be the one thing to cure them.

Luhan bit his bottom lip, his eyes flashing worry. “I don’t want to ask this, not like this any way. But the only thing that could get us closer, the thing that we haven’t done…”

“Yeah?” Minseok waited while Luhan looked down. “What is it?”

“,” Luhan whispered, looking embarrassed.

“S-…” Minseok repeated dumbly, apparently too loud for Luhan’s liking. Luhan raised a finger to his lips and shushed him.

“I don’t want our first time to be like this but I don’t’ know what else to do.”

Minseok tensed. He was a but it wasn’t like he wanted to die one. Still he hadn’t exactly been focused on when he would sleep with Luhan, he was too busy be his short life and hoping his death was painless. “I’ve never-“

“Neither have I,” Luhan freely admitted.

“You haven't?!” The news surprised Minseok. For some reason he had just assumed Luhan had slept with someone before.

“No. But I’ve watched a lot of videos,” Luhan offered, looking shy.

Minseok briefly weighed the consequences. Of course he liked Luhan, he loved him. He wanted to live, he wanted both of them to live. So what if it was rushed, if the alternative was dying he couldn’t get and sleep with Luhan fast enough. “Where should we...we can’t while our parents are home.”

“My mom will be gone this evening.”

Oh, well that settled that. “We need supplies-”

“Already bought them.” Luhan colored, adding. “I snuck out during last study hall in case you said yes.”

Minseok swallowed. “Okay. Then okay.”

Luhan smiled. He grabbed for Minseok’s hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sorry it’s like this.”

“No, it’s fine.” Minseok offered his own weak smile.

The moment was interrupted by Minseok’s phone buzzing in his backpack. He pulled his hand from Luhan’s, apologizing as he fished his phone out.

On your way home stop by the health food store, I have an order that just came in. Look at me, buying you extra time to spend with your ride home ;)

It was from his mother. Minseok rolled his eyes.

“What is it?” Luhan asked.

“We need to run a quick errand for my mom, sorry.” Minseok slipped his phone into his pocket, sighing.

 

“I’ll tell her we are going to do homework,” Minseok whispered as they approached the apartment door. They had spent most of the drive to the health food store, from the store to the apartments trying to figure out logistics. Minseok was nervous, anxiety ridden and afraid – about having and about his mother stopping him from doing so. Why couldn’t his life be less….stressful and confusing?

Minseok clutched the bundle of who-knows-what that his mother had ordered at the health food store, hugging it to him like it would be a shield against all of his worldly problems.

“Come in with me, my mom really likes you. If you’re there she will probably say yes,” Minseok begged. Luhan gave in easily.

Minseok punched in the door code and jostled around the package to open the door. He didn't bother taking his shoes off, hoping that he would only be home for a few minutes.

“Mom!” Minseok called, heading into the kitchen.

“Did you get -- oh, hello Luhan.” Minseok’s mother beamed at his boyfriend. “You look very nice today.”

Minseok rolled his eyes. He handed over the wrapped package.

“Luhan and I have the same lit assignment and it would be really helpful if we could work on it together.” Minseok flinched involuntarily after saying the words. Thankfully his mother had her back turned to him, she was busy unloading her purchase on the counter.

“Luhan, your mother isn’t home, is she?”

Minseok wanted to groan. How damn perceptive of her.

“No, she isn’t,” Luhan admitted.

Minseok saw how his boyfriend shifted on his feet. He had never seen him so nervous.

“What is the assignment?” Minseok’s mother asked, setting down several containers.

“We have to analyze the second half of ––” Minseok’s words were cut short when one of the containers teetered on the edge of the counter, pushed when his mother set a large bag of strawberries down.

Luhan and Minseok both reacted quickly to catch the package, darting forward and smacking into each other in an effort to grab the fallen goods. Luhan fell backwards, landing on his , while Minseok managed to snag a corner of the package.

Minseok’s mother stepped back, nearly avoiding being involved in the collision.

Minseok landed on his hands and knees, the torn package in front of him. He was about to push himself up when he stopped, shocked at what had fallen out of the package.

“What are these?!” Minseok snagged the flower petals and leaned back on his knees, looking up at his mother.

Petals. A package full of petals, all the same color, the same size, the same damn texture as the stuff he and Luhan had been coughing up for the last couple weeks. He couldn’t believe it.

“Viola petals. I’ve been adding them to my juices for the last couple weeks. They are good for the bones, good for the eyes…” His mother paused. “Now that I think about it. Luhan, could you ask your mother how she likes them? I gave her a new juicer recipe when I met her the day you moved in. They can be fickle as an ingredient, a certain bit of the population is highly allergic and can't digest them. I told her to be careful but I figure since she hasn’t said anything everything was fine. “

“You did?” Luhan sounded as confused as Minseok felt.

Minseok held the petal between his forefinger and his thumb. “Highly allergic.”

“Yes, dear. That is what I said,” his mother sing-songed.

Minseok snorted, the irony of it all piling up. It was the ing juicer. He had thought he was dying because of his mother’s juicer recipes.

“What is that?!” The suddenly shrill voice of his mother tore Minseok from his disbelief, his eyes going to two objects lying on the floor next to where Luhan fell.

Condoms and a tiny bottle of lube.

Luhan scrambled, grabbing the items and shoving them in his coat. “I have to go, um, homework. Bye!” He stood up and dashed for the door, leaving Minseok to deal with his mother.

“You’re grounded for two months and don't even think about trying to sneak out.”

Minseok had thought he was doomed, but it turned out he wasn’t. At least not the way he had thought. He was still doomed, but at least now he wasn’t going to die.

 

Minseok stared at the ceiling, the same drab white that had been looking back at him since they moved to the apartment ten years before. He was sprawled on his bed, feeling unusually relieved and deeply troubled at the same time. Next to him his phone buzzed periodically, all messages from Luhan. Messages he hadn’t read yet.

“I’m going to live,” he whispered, thrilled.

“My mom knows I was going to have ,” he bemoaned a second later, frowning.

He flipped over on his stomach and grabbed his phone, sliding the lock screen. He scrolled through the messages.

Minseok, I love you. I had no idea. Believe me ;.;

OMG we are going to live!!!! :))))))

I really thought it was a med. book. I can’t read Japanese that well. I’m sorry OTL

Please don’t hate me

I love you

Minseok pushed the phone icon, not sure what he was going to say but knowing he needed to talk to Luhan.

“Hello! Minseok? Please I love you, I am so sorry. I had no idea I didn’t–“

“Luhan.” Minseok swallowed, weighing what to do, what to say.

“Yeah?”

“I like you a lot. I’m happy we’re going to live and I’m not mad but I think we should take a break and figure things out. Stuff happened so fast…” Minseok felt the tears prick the corners of his eyes as he said the words. Where they came from he wasn’t sure. Maybe they were things he wanted to say all along but couldn’t because of the circumstances. Maybe it was what he needed to say but couldn’t.

“What? Break up?”

“No. No, not break up, just…start over. Slower this time.”

There was dead silence on the other end of the line.

“Okay.”

“Okay. I’ll see you in the morning.” Minseok wiped away a stray tear.

“Yeah. Goodnight, Minseok.”

“Goodnight, Luhan.” Minseok cradled the phone to his ear long after Luhan hung up, hoping he had done the right thing.

 

“I assume this is still okay,” Luhan greeted wearily the next morning, cup of Red Bull and coffee in hand. He was leaning against the wall between the two apartment doors, dark bags under his eyes indicating his lack of sleep.

Minseok nodded. “Yeah, this is okay.”

The atmosphere was so different, completely changed from twenty four hours before. Gone were the hugs and the kisses, the sweet words and the hand holding. They walked to the elevator like two school friends, not even the brush of hands to indicate they were anything more.

“How are you?” Luhan asked as they stepped onto the elevator.

“Good. You?” It was strange, how formal they suddenly seemed.

“Meh,” Luhan shrugged and took a big swig of his caffeinated concoction.

The ride to school was only marginally better and that was because of TVXQ. They parted ways without a sappy goodbye, escaping the awkward atmosphere with a nod of goodbye.

 

“Are you sick?” Jongdae narrowed his eyes at his friend, leaning across the table and looking him up and down.

“No,” Minseok answered, looking away, squirming to avoid Jongdae’s gaze. He wasn’t sick, but he had turned down a ride home from Luhan in favor of hanging out with his friends– even if he was technically grounded (he had already thought up a bull after school study group excuse). He wasn’t sick but he had inflicted a deep frown on Luhan’s face at the request –– clearly hurting his boyfriend err, whatever they were now.

“Dude, he wasn’t lying, he gives awesome head.” Baekhyun slipped into the booth at the corner coffee shop, a eating grin plastered on his face, unbothered that he was interrupting Jongdae’s mini-interrogation of Minseok.

“What?” Jongdae and Minseok asked in unison, one man actually curious, the other happy for the distraction.

“Doojoon.” Baekhyun grinned, moving his head back and forth. “A+ stuff.”

“No way,” Jongdae snorted. “When?”

“Fifth period, in his car,” Baekhyun answered, not missing a beat.

“Damn,” Jongdae whistled. “Wait does that mean I’m the last of us to–“ He shook his head in disbelief.

Minseok wasn’t in the mood to comfort Jongdae by confirming he was also a .

“Fraid so. to be you,” Baekhyun teased.

The barista appeared with Minseok and Jongdae’s coffees, giving Baekhyun a curious look. She had clearly overheard him, but Baekhyun remained unphased.

“So what’s the deal, why are you here and not with your lover boy?” Baekhyun asked Minseok.

It was a fair enough question. “What, I can’t hang out with my best friends?”

Jongdae and Baekhyun shared a knowing look. “Righhhhht.”

“Seriously do you need me to punch him? I’ll punch him.” Baekhyun put his fists up.

“Guys, can we talk about something else,” Minseok said quietly.

“Sure. I joined the Kim Minseok fan club today,” Jongdae blurted out, accompanied with a cheeky grin.

Minseok groaned. Okay, so maybe something else wasn’t that much better.

 

“How’s your boyfriend?” Minseok’s father asked over dinner that night.

Minseok stilled. “Fine.” He knew his little sister was glaring at him from across the table. She had barely spoken three words to him since she found out he was going out with Luhan. He briefly wondered if she would be happy about their break.

Luhan hadn’t texted him all evening. Hadn’t sent him a sappy message the second they parted. And honestly he was okay with that, relieved even. He wanted some distance, he needed some distance. Everything between them had happened at the speed of light, born of desperation, hormones, and a fake Japanese disease tied to a horrendous juicer recipe. It was only right they took a break and sorted through everything.

Minseok just hoped Luhan would wait, that he wouldn't lose interest – that even if Minseok hesitated for a day or a week he wouldn’t leave.

“I have homework to catch up on.” Minseok pushed his bowl away and stood, retreating to his bedroom and the turmoil of his own thoughts.

 

Minseok knew that he was getting just as many stares for not getting rides from Luhan as he did the day he stepped out of Luhan’s black Mercedes for the world to see. Everyone was curious what had happened to cool off the most talked about romance of the school year and without answers the gossip grew with each passing hour. Minseok heard the whispers and took refuge in his old hiding spot, the library.

He lost his focus somewhere between shelving the eight fifty ones and eight fifty twos, nearly dropping The Cambridge Guide to Italian Literature on his foot, his mind completely engrossed in his current relationship status or lack thereof.

Luhan had been courteous when Minseok turned down any further rides. Minseok knew he was upset but he didn’t argue, he didn’t say anything harsh or tell Minseok it was over. His eyes betrayed his sadness but he was composed, gentle even.

I just need space. We both need space.

We need to be sure, we need to know what got us together was honest and not rushed. We need to ….

“Are you feeling well? Do you have a fever?! Please, you can’t be sick.”

Minseok looked to his left, surprised to see Jisu and Jongdae standing in the aisle staring at him. Jisu looked genuinely worried while Jongdae wore a fake smile.

“What?” Minseok blinked at the pair. Since when had Jongdae started hanging out with Jisu? Oh right, he had joined Minseok’s fan club.

“You seem sad. Was it Luhan? We will fight for you, forever!” Jisu raised her fist up.

Behind Jisu, Jongdae mouthed “Isn’t she cute.”

Minseok closed his eyes and counted to ten. Great. Jongdae was trying to hook up with his fan club president. Baekhyun was getting s from Luhan’s best friend. Meanwhile he was in the midst of a separation from his boyfriend caused by a ing juicer recipe.

“I’m fine,” Minseok hoped he sounded reassuring.

Jisu tilted her head to the side, looking Minseok up and down. “You don’t seem fine.”

“Maybe not, but I am,” Minseok reiterated.

“See, he’s great. Good. Wonderful. Hey, do you want to go grab a coffee,” Jongdae rambled, revealing his ulterior motives. Minseok knew if Jongdae was worried he wouldn’t corner him in a library, so he figured something had to be going on.

Jisu eyed him wearily. “Coffee?’

“I’ll buy,” Jongdae offered.

“Deal.”

Minseok watched his best friend and his fan club president scurrying down the aisle, past the beginning of the nine hundreds, off to what would potentially be their first date. Suddenly he felt so very alone.

 

“How are you?” Luhan caught up with him at lunch. Minseok was the only one sitting at his usual table – Baekhyun and Jongdae yet to arrive, giving them a moment of privacy.

“Good. You?” Minseok thought Luhan looked tired. Hell, he was tired – sleep seemed to be his number one enemy of late.

“Okay.” Luhan offered a weak smile. “Take care, Minseok.”

Minseok nodded. He watched Luhan walk out of the cafeteria, passed the table where the football players sat. He wasn’t eating lunch. Minseok felt a sense of guilt, he knew he was responsible for Luhan’s sour mood.

He wondered if a time would come when he could reconcile everything in his mind. A time when he would accept their relationship for what it was and what it wasn’t. Or would they drift apart before that moment could ever occur? Minseok didn’t have the answer.

 

“I never knew football could be so interesting.” Baekhyun sat in the stands, his tongue peeking out of his lips, his eyes never leaving Doojoon.

Minseok sat to his left, bundled in an oversized sweater, his eyes not trained on one player in particular. He had reluctantly agreed to go to the game, partially because it was his first time seeing Luhan play since they had started dating and partially because it was the first time his mother had given him permission to go out with his friends. He had been grounded for almost a month but it felt like much longer.

“You look mopey. Go do something, but don’t you dare end up having with Luhan!” his mother had ordered. Minseok had turned three shades of red before thanking her for letting him get out of the house.

It was weird being at a game without Jongdae. Minseok missed his colorful commentary and embarrassing cheers. But Jongdae was busy, hanging out with Jisu, doing god knows what –– the pair had become inseparable of late. It was the same with Doojoon and Baekhyun, the two were hanging out more often than not. Minseok considered how alone he would be once he was no longer grounded, frowning at the thought.

Minseok checked the time on his phone. It was already the second half and Luhan had yet to appear on the field. It was strange, usually he was the first in, the team needed his strong skills. He was vitally important to their season, the team’s center midfielder, their captain.

The last time Minseok glanced at the bench Luhan wasn’t even wearing his shin guards. Now when he looked Luhan was gone altogether, the spot he had been sitting in was empty.

Minseok’s finger hovered over the text button. Why had Luhan left? Had Minseok made it that bad by asking for a break? He in his bottom lip, overcome with guilt and sorrow. A minute later he put his phone away, keeping his distance from the absent football player. It felt like there was no going back now, the damage was too deep. He had ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him.

 

Minseok was back in the library the next day, shelving books and avoiding study hall. The elderly librarian lit up at his arrival. “Some kid checked out half the library and returned them all. “ She clucked her tongue, annoyed.

Minseok found the cart overflowing, the books out of order. He was happy to see such a heavy load, it would keep him busy, keep him from thinking about things.

Minseok traced the spines of the books with the pads of his fingers, glancing over the titles, formulating a plan of attack. “I’ll shelve the nonfiction first,” he announced to the librarian, earning a nod of approval.

He grabbed the first one hundred series book he spotted, Falling in Love: the psychology of love. Minseok fought rolling his eyes as he slid the book into the first position on the cart. He scanned the row and found another one hundred series, Me Without You . He snorted.

The next book, following the decimal system, was titled Hurts. Minseok narrowed his eyes at the title. Was the entire world against him now?

Minseok pulled the next title out of the jumbled mess of books. I like you and I love you . Minseok scowled as he continued to rearrange the books, each title worse than the last.

The Great Depression

The Big Return

What I See: Optometry explored

Ewes

Hot: A summary of global warming

“Okay what the hell,” Minseok stepped away from the cart, eyes wide, heart thudding in his chest. Was he going crazy? He looked at the librarian, expecting her to admonish his choice of words. Instead of seeing a scowl on her face he found her distracted, her gaze directed across the library. Minseok followed her eyes, unable to believe what he was seeing on the table between fiction and nonfiction.

He blinked once, then twice, rubbing his eyes.

Minseok staggered forward, towards the source of his disbelief. His strides increased as he neared, his eyes trained on where Luhan stood amidst dozens of bouquets of purple violas.

“I love you,” Luhan announced confidently when Minseok was within ten feet. “Kim Minseok, will you go out with me?”

Minseok wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. “Did you do that? With the books?”

Luhan nodded. “I thought you might like that.”

Minseok did laugh at the revelation. Luhan had asked him out via the Dewey decimal system, at least in a roundabout way.

“I’ve missed you,” Luhan admitted, sobering Minseok’s mirth.

Minseok stopped laughing, knowing he needed to make a decision. It had been a month apart, a month without listening to TVXQ, a month without talking about death, chasing Cosmo articles, and projectile vomiting on sappy posters. It had been a month since they had both confessed, thrown headfirst into a life or death romance to rival a knock off version of Romeo and Juliet. A full month.

What had he figured out in a month? That he was lonely. That he missed Luhan. That he had messed things up and regretted it. That he never thought Luhan would give him another chance, never thought he would have to decide to accept or reject the man in front of him.

“I missed you too,” Minseok responded, taking the last few steps forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Luhan’s middle.

He didn’t care that the elderly librarian was watching them. He didn’t care that they were surrounded by the same flower petals that had started a mess for them. All he cared about was that Luhan was hugging him back – Luhan still loved him.

“And yes, I’ll go out with you,” Minseok whispered into the crook of Luhan’s neck, his smile hidden by their embrace. “But ditch the flowers.”

It was Luhan’s turn to laugh, his laughter echoing through the library, only going silent when the librarian had reached her limit.

“Not in the library, children!”

“Yes, ma’am,” they answered in unison, sharing a knowing smile.