A/N: It's been a while, you guys! I didn't know I'd be coming back here again to update this oneshot collection. I was just trying to finish my psychological thriller fic, Playing God, and then this happened. This is really crazy and I am drained after writing this one. This is supposed to be a fluffy one but turned out like this. Will probably edit this once I'm in a better state of mind. Sorry if this is trash T^T *BANGS HEAD ON THE TABLE*

TW: OCD, panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. Read at your own risk.

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“Hey, Nam Woohyun!”

A loud shout was heard across the hallway as his senior, Yoon Donggu came looking for him. He looked up from his computer and stood up to greet the other man.

He waited for the other to state his objective.
Upon seeing that Woohyun is waiting for him to start talking, Donggu cleared his throat and then motioned for him to sit down. He leaned on the cubicle and looked around the area before leaning towards Woohyun.

As expected, Woohyun leaned back farther. Donggu stifled a chuckle from his dongsaeng’s weird antics. It might seem rude to other people but for those who know Woohyun, staying away from people is second nature to him. Not all people could understand him, anyway.

“Listen, kid. I know you’ve been moping around since Chan dumped you. No, don’t look at me like that. It’s time to re-explore the world of dating, okay?”

Woohyun furrowed his brows at his senior. “Hyung, isn’t it a bit too early for that? Also, I feel like no one can really take me seriously. I’m too much to handle, as Chan said.”

Donggu sighed. He wished he could meet up with this Chan guy so he can give him piece of his mind. Woohyun was so heartbroken when the spineless little jerk broke up with him. He was toxic and he highlighted everything wrong in the relationship as Woohyun’s fault.

“Look, that piece of sh- sorry. He doesn’t deserve you, okay? So what if you’re high maintenance, which I personally think you’re not. So what then? I’m pretty sure someone out there would love maintaining you. And maybe, this guy I’m about to introduce you to might be the one!” Donggu snickered at how smart he is sometimes.

Woohyun just sighed back. He never really thought of himself as high maintenance before. He knows he does things that are a little bothersome and time-consuming at times, like checking the doors repeatedly just to make sure they’re locked or going to the kitchen multiple times in an hour just to check if he really did turn off the stove. Who knows if something bad could happen if he doesn’t do it, right!

He knows he can be difficult at times but he didn’t think that it could strain his first-ever relationship. He was such a chaotic mess that he never thought someone would love him and actually pursue him. He was a hopeless romantic so when Chan came into his life and confessed to him, he thought he’s THE one.

Turns out he really is the one - the one to break his heart.

“Woohyun, look. It’s not your fault that Chan had a fantasy version of you. I’m pretty sure he thought he can heal you or something when he learned about your condition. He was trying so hard to fix you that when he realized he can’t do it, he started finding faults in every little thing that you do that bothers him.

“Give it a try again. I know your prince charming is waiting out there. Plus, this guy that I’m setting you up with is the type of person that will stay.”

He was about to say no once and for all but his senior really had the guts to pull a cute face to him. He may be old but Donggu is really good at aegyo. Woohyun laughed and pushed his senior away, standing up after doing so.

“Fine. Just text me the details, hyung.” Then he walked up to the bathroom to wash his hands because God knows where Donggu went to.

Donggu shouted after him, “Don’t wash your hands too much, Namu! Ah seriously, I should just go with you to the bathroom so you don’t hurt your hands again.” he said the last line under his breath as he followed his beloved dongsaeng.

They have known each other for a long time. They’ve been neighbors since Woohyun’s family moved in 15 years ago. He was 13 back then, and Woohyun was 11. At first, he thought the younger was a snob because he doesn’t like to play outside with other kids. He always just stays in his house or sits on one of the benches in the neighborhood park, and he always has a sanitizer with him.

Kids his age didn’t really understand Woohyun’s behavior before. Some guys bullied him and called him names just because he doesn’t want to get dirty. It even got worse when the same boys found out that Woohyun has a weird way of walking on the brick roads.

They didn’t understand him back then, so he was cast out a lot. Donggu took a chance to befriend him and he has never regretted doing it. Woohyun is one of the most charming people he knows. Yes, he has his quirks but beyond that is a child just wanting reassurance and security.

“Hey,” Donggu said as he tried to snap Woohyun’s attention to him. The other was washing his hands roughly again, one of his compulsive behaviors that Donggu took note of.

Woohyun was taken aback and hurriedly turned the tap off. He looked at his hands, it looked really red from all the washing that he did. Thank God his senior was there to stop him.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not something you can control, Woohyunie. The doctor said so, right?”

Donggu regretted mentioning his doctor to the younger as he saw the latter visibly flinch. Woohyun doesn’t really like talking to anyone about it but he has been diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder or OCD. It doesn’t mean he’s crazy but the fact that he’s seeing a psychiatrist makes him think he might as well be.

Woohyun knows it’s not right for him to think that way but sometimes, all the alienation that people with OCD and other mental disorders get just gets through him. Not to mention people labeling themselves as OC just because they like to keep things clean. It’s more than just wanting to clean!

Donggu noticed the frustrated look on the younger man’s face so he tried distracting him once again.
“Hey. Are you free tonight? My guy will be excited to meet you. He’s a friend of my wife so he’s a good guy. I’ll text you the deets later, okay? Now I got to go, I still need to turn in these reports to the Chief.”

The younger bid goodbye and sighed one more time as he heads back to his cubicle. He doesn’t really know what to expect of the date later but to be honest, he won't want to know as well. It’s hard trying to stop his mind from playing different scenarios in his head, all leading to a disaster.

Woohyun hugged himself as he sat back down.

It will be all right, Nam Woohyun. It’s just a date, just a one-time thing. The sooner it happens, the better.

He murmured to himself as he tried to convince himself to calm down. He then shook his head and started rearranging his things on the desk. It must’ve shaken a little when he stood up earlier but his desk is a mess now, at least in woohyun’s eyes.

He busied himself and found satisfaction when everything on his desk is in perfect symmetry. Afterward, he continued with his tasks for the day and heard his phone ping.

I’ll check it later. He said as he tried to finish his report first before picking up his phone. But his mind does not permit him to ignore any message.

What if it’s important. Someone could die if I don’t get it.

Woohyun groaned out of frustration and reluctantly paused his work to look at his phone. He was relieved when he saw it was just Donggu texting him the details of the blind date.

He replied with thanks and then put his phone back to where he placed it again. It took him a while to do so exactly. He sighed in relief when he did it after 4 tries of finding the right angle.

Ah, this is so frustrating! He glared at the cubicle in front of him. He couldn’t see the occupant but he hates him all the same. He’s been claiming to be an OC because he always has to wash every night but Woohyun could see that aside from his claims, he can’t see anything that would really make the guy OC.

He’s struggling with his OCD and as much as possible, he doesn’t really want people to know about it and how it affects him greatly. And yet there are people living a normal life with a slight inclination to routines calling themselves OC just because they think it’s a compliment.

It is never a compliment! It’s frustrating as hell and he wishes he could control his thoughts and his urges like normal people. But he’s had it for so long that it’s already been embedded into him like a second skin.

He typed furiously on his laptop to finish his work, just so he can get rid of the thoughts of cursing the guy in the cubicle across him.

When it’s time to go home, Woohyun packed his things immediately and looked at his desk before leaving, making sure that not one thing is misplaced. When he verified everything, he went out of the office and immediately walked out of the building. He always fears touching the doors for too long so he has a bottle of sanitizer always ready. He would be relieved if someone in front of him would open the door really wide, because then he can slip out without touching any surface.

His apartment is just a walking distance from his office so he walked home. Upon arrival, he quickly got into the bathroom and took a quick shower. Then immediately washed his clothes on the washing machine. He looked at his phone again for the details.

Just then, he received a message from an unknown number.

“Hello, Woohyun. My name is Kim Sunggyu. I got your number from Donggu-sunbaenim. We were supposed to meet tonight but something came up from work. I’m so sorry. Please tell me when you’ll be available this weekend. I hope you can give me the chance to make it up to you. I’m sorry and thank you. - Kim Sunggyu”

Woohyun was totally against people who does not follow through with a plan. However, this Kim Sunggyu guy seemed to be different. He wanted to make it up to him even when he haven’t met him just yet. Interesting.

He thought about what he can say to the other without sounding like a snob. After all, this guy was decent enough to text him like that instead of making him wait for a few hours.

“Hello, Kim Sunggyu, good evening. Too bad we can’t follow through with the plan hehe. I’m free anytime this weekend, just text me an hour or so before so I can prepare. Have a good night. - Nam Woohyun”

He sent the text and put down his phone. He wanted to go to sleep but his thoughts are keeping him awake.

He’s not sure if he has locked the doors and the windows.

He sighed then walked sluggishly towards the door and made sure it was locked numerous times before he moved to check on the windows. When he confirmed that everything is closed, another thought popped into his head.

Did I turn off the washing machine? Did I turn off the shower?

Similar thoughts keep popping in his head and he just wanted to bang his head. It’s frustrating and tiring at the same time to be going around the house, checking everything instead of going directly to bed.


After almost 2 hours of going around the house and checking everything, his mind started to relax. He’s not that hungry so he decided to just go to sleep directly.

He drifted off to sleep when his phone pinged again.

“I’m really sorry, Woohyunie. I know how much you hate things not going according to plans, so I promise to make it up to you. I can take you out on a date tomorrow, at 2 pm. We can have like a lunch date or something if it’s okay with you. I’ll be waiting patiently for your reply. Good night.”



For some reason, Woohyun’s sleep seemed to be a whole lot better than his usual nights. He smiled to himself and got up to do his morning routine.

After, he just sat down in front of the TV. He remembered his phone and went back to his bedroom to get it. When he opened it, he saw 2 unread messages. One from last night, and one just a few minutes ago.

“Hey Woohyun, good morning. Are you available for a lunch date at 1 today? We can meet up at the cafe near your office. I heard there are only a few people at that time.”

 

He looked at the time. 10 o’clock. He still has a lot of time to prepare. He texted back and went to take a bath.

 

After taking a bath and going back to the shower to see if he has turned off everything that must be turned off, he proceeded to his closet and looked for a decent clothes to wear for his date.

 

He decided on a striped gray shirt and a pair of old denim pants. He styled his hair a little bit just to look presentable to the other man.

 

Kim Sunggyu. The name doesn’t ring a bell but it does soundn like the owner is a good person. Hopefully.

 

He glanced at the clock and saw that he still has an hour to go to the cafe. He started out anyway knowing his compulsions will take a lot of time out of the one hour allowance.

 

And true to that, he did arrive at the cafe 10 minutes before the designated time. By that time, he was already feeling a little anxious that he’d be late. Thankfully, when he entered the cafe, there are only a few people and no one seemed to be Kim Sunggyu. He was so relieved that he still has time to process his thoughts before he meets up with the other man.

 

He was closing his eyes and counting to ten when he felt a presence near him. He opened his eyes abruptly which must have scared the man in front of him since he backed down a little further.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m Kim Sunggyu. You’re Nam Woohyun, right? Did you wait long?” Sunggyu said, his voice apologetic.

 

Woohyun assured him that he just arrived a minute ago and asked him to sit down, to which the other man muttered his thanks.

 

“So, uhm, Donggu told me a lot about you. But not too much!” he added the last sentence in a hurry when he noticed how Woohyun froze. He looked at him and sighed in relief when he saw him relaxing again.

 

“I see. I don’t really know anything about you, though. Donggu forgot to give out details.” He smiled warmly and a little shyly.

 

“Nah, it’s okay. I told him that to be honest. I feel like if he tells you about me, you won’t be here now. I mean, I’m not a bad guy, don’t get me wrong. I just want you to know me based on our interactions and not from someone’s biased opinion about me.”

 

Woohyun nodded, then pouted. Wouldn’t it be unfair on my part, though? He knows things about me but I have zero on him. Nada.

 

Sunggyu chuckled at the other man. He really is cute. They talked for hours and Sunggyu couldn’t help but notice how Woohyun keeps his hands mostly to himself.

 

He was wondering why until he saw how his hands kinda looked rough. Like he just came from washing his clothes by hand and exposed himself to bleach directly.

 

He made a mental note to buy a hand lotion for the other man.

 

It was an enjoyable lunch. Woohyun was still wary of him but he has started to open up. He told him stories  from his work but he stops every once in a while as he stares at Sunggyu’s side of the table.

 

Sunggyu became aware of his behavior and asked him if there’s something wrong

 

“I’m sorry. I have this - this thing, and I don’t want to be rude but can I fix your tie for you? It’s skewed and it really hurts my eyes.”

 

He looked at his outfit and sure enough, his tie was askewed but only a little bit. He might have pulled on it a little after meeting with a client earlier that day.

 

He just looked back at Woohyun and nodded silently. The younger man leaned closer to him and focused on fixing his tie. Sunggyu didn’t notice how he temporarily stopped breathing. His senses focused on the proximity of the younger, and he can smell strawberries emanating from his black locks.

 

He blushed at the thought of brushing the other man’s hair with his hands. He cleared his throat and thanked Woohyun when he was done.

 

They continued chatting and he realized he’s more interested the longer they talk. It all ended when Sunggyu got a call from his boss.

 

For Pete’s sake it’s a Saturday. He even had a client meeting earlier and now his boss is calling him. Tsk.

 

He excused himself and went out to take his boss’ call. He was told they’ll have an emergency conference on a case they’re working on. After bidding farewell to his boss, he sighed and looked at the direction of Woohyun inside the cafe.

 

He’s looking on the outside on his right, giving Sunggyu a full access to his side profile. His mouth opened at the sharp nose that’s highlighted in his side profile. Woohyun looks really good, handsome even but his side profile is immaculate.

He cleared his throat when Woohyun noticed him staring and waved. After explaining the situation, the younger just smiled at him and said it’s no problem.

 

“it was really fun with you today. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Can I still see you? I mean, if it’s not too much and if I did not bore you.” He muttered quite wuickly out of nervousness.

 

Woohyun laughed at him for the first time. He was taken aback. His voice sounds so good. He wondered if the younger also sings.

 

“Calm down, Champ. Sure, I did have a great time. You can just text me if you want to go on another date next time.”

 

Sunggyu beamed at the word date and next time.

 

“Okay then. I’ll get going for now. I’ll make it up to you nex time, I promise.”

 

“It’s okay, I understand. Your boss needs you anyway so go and shoo, Lawyer Kim.”

 

He smiled as he waved goodbye.

 

It was really fun. Both of them thought.

 

 

 

Days and weeks passed and Woohyun and Sunggyu met each other more often than they’d like to admit. They were just attracted to each other like magnets, although no one confessed just yet.

 

Woohyun had several anxiety attacks regarding the status of his relationship with Kim Sunggyu. He kept replaying past conversations with Chan, and how his relationship spiraled because of him being OC.

 

Donggu kept on reassuring him that Kim Sunggyu is different and he’d like to believe the older man. After all, Kim Sunggyu was on a different level.

 

The older was not blind to his obsessive and compulsive actions. He was not even pretending to not see it. Instead, he asked Woohyun if he was aware that he’s doing what he’s doing.

 

They are at Woohyun’s apartment since the latter invited him to have a dinner and drink with him since Sunggyu said he was feeling a little down.

 

“I do. I don’t know when it started exactly but I have been like this for a few years. I was diagnosed a couple of years ago when my previous boyfriend brought me to a psychiatrist because he said I was driving him crazy with my weird antics. We were living together that time in our relationship and he just realized he can’t live with someone like me after all. He said I was too much for him to handle. That I was high maintenance.”

 

He then took a swig of the soju he just opened right after dinner. He laughed at Kim Sunggyu’s hardened expression.

 

“Chill, old man. I know it’s not normal to spend almost an hour checking the locks on the doors and windows but I just can’t help it. I feel like something bad is going to happen if I don’t do it.”

 

Sunggyu sighed in defeat. He’s a lawyer, not a psychiatrist so he can’t really help the younger deal with his OCD.

 

“Look, I know we’ve only been talking for a couple of months but I really like you, Nam Woohyun. You’ve bewitched me and now I can’t seem to get you out of my head. I know you feel like you’re difficultl and high maintenance but believe me, I like maintaining you. I may not be in the position to smack your past lover’s head but please know that I am not like him. I will never fault you for something you have no control over. I promise to stay by your side no matter what happens.”

 

Sunggyu said sincerely and for a moment, Woohyun momentarily forgot his fear of getting contaminated from other people. He hugged Sunggyu and sobbed.

 

“That’s probably the nicest thing someone has said to me in a while. Thank you, Gyu.”

 

The older man smiled. Gyu? A little too cute for my taste but it sounds so good coming out of Woohyun’s mouth. He tapped the younger’s back.

 

“As long as you don’t have thoughts like you don’t want to see my face, you don’t want me near you, or you don’t want to be with someone like me, then I’ll stay. I will not go anywhere, I swear.”

 

“Are you really sure of that? What if you’re only saying this because you feel pity for me, for what I’m dealing with and for what happened between me and Chan. We can just stay friends, you don’t have to force yours-”

 

He was cut off when Gyu crashed his lips onto his. For a moment, he wanted to push him back like he always did to Chan before. Because that’s just how he is. Skinship does not really go well with his OCD.

 

But surprisingly enough, he didn’t shove the other. Instead, he closed his eyes and savored the moment of their lips just being close to each other. It was such a simple gesture but Woohyun felt loved and protected.

 

“Woohyun, I like you, okay? Heck, I might even be in love with you at this rate. I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend right now because you must think I’m going way too fast. But I hope you put it into consideration. I like you and I want to be with you more than friends. I want to be your lover and I want you to know that you are more than just your illness. You are so much more than that, Woohyunie.” He said as he gazed at the younger man’s teary eyes.

 

“Thank you, Gyu. I, I like you, too.” He bowed down his head in embarrassment then got up because he thinks he didn’t close the window on the kitchen.

 

Sunggyu just chuckled and looked at his boyfriend’s retreating figure.

He really is one of a kind.

 

 

 

The first few months of the relationship came without any tension. They were happy and just in bliss together. Sunggyu often visits him at work and even delivers flowers to Woohyun, much to the latter’s embarrassment.

 

“Hey, you know I’m not a girl so why do you keep sending me flowers?” Woohyun called him one time after receiving another bouquet from his boyfriend.

 

The one on the other line just laughed at his cute reaction. Woohyun pouted and Sunggyu knew so he even further.

 

“Honey, since when are flowers for women only? Isn’t it a symbol of love? An expression of one’s feelings? That’s all there is. Please don’t think that I’m treating you like a girl. And stop pouting, someone might see how cute you are and steal you from me.”

 

Woohyun laughed at how ridiculous the other man is. He never expected him to be this sweet.

 

“Fine, I’m sorry for overreacting. I feel bad though, I don’t give  you gifts, at all. I’m a bad boyfriend. I’m sorry,” he said and before Sunggyu could respond, he turned off his phone.

 

He was reminded once again of Chan. He just wants him out of his system now. It’s unfair for Sunggyu to be compared to the other. His Sunggyu was so much better than that. He’s the best he can get in this world.

 

He smiled and sent a text of apology to his boyfriend. He then invited him over to his apartment for dinner.

 

 

That same night, Sunggyu went over his apartment looking all beat. He went straight to Woohyun and hugged him tightly. He smelled his hair and he immediately felt his tight muscles relax.

 

Woohyun thought the older man had a tough day at work, so he just let him stay in that position for some time.

 

When Sunggyu moved away from the hug, he caressed Woohyun’s face and gave him a peck on the lips.

 

“Thank you for existing in my life. You’re the only good thing in it right now.”

Woohyun smiled at his lover and invited him over to the couch to relax.

 

“Tell me what happened.”

 

Sunggyu then proceeded to tell the younger how he got this client a few months ago and he was going against a very tough lawyer. His client was accused of killing the other’s clients’ daughter, to which his client said he didn’t and that it was just a worst-case of coincidence. He was just there at the wrong time.

 

“I know he’s innocent, Woohyunie and I’m trying my very best in this case. But I feel like I’m losing. The girl’s father is a powerful man in the governent and he can turn anything to his advantage because of his influence. I’m afraid. My client sensed it too and he called me earlier today. He was crying. He was begging me to save his life and I don’t know what to do.”

 

Sunggyu broke down and Woohyun shed a tear. Hs lover was the best lawyer he knows but looking at him all defeated and at a loss for hope, he can’t help but feel sorry for him. Being a lawyer is a tough profession, but going against an influential man makes it a hundredfold tougher.

 

He shushed him gently and pat his back. He never saw Sunggyu this broken over a case. He’s always confident in every case that he handled but this one, this one really did something to him.

 

“I’m sorry I can’t help you with work, love. I won’t even pretend to be all optimistic right now because you know I’m not that type. I, I promise to be with you through your ups and downs. If you feel like nothing’s going your way, please come to me. I will welcome you with open arms, I’ll hug you until all the pain in your heart subsides.”

 

Sunggyu just kept on crying as he hugged his boyfriend even tighter than before.

 

“I love you. Please don’t leave me.”

 

Sunggyu said, to which Woohyun was so shocked. He’s never really seen this side of his lover. He was always calm when they’re together, he’s a pillar of strength to Woohyun. He’s always the one who encourages him and reassures him that everything will be all right in time.

 

Now, Woohyun is afraid. He’s afraid he can’t do anything to help his boyfriend. His thoughts are spiraling and before he even knows it, he’s already having a panic attack. Sunggyu was so shocked he forgot his own dilemma and focused on grounding his boyfriend. He held his hands and whispered positive things to him.

 

He kept on telling him to breathe, Inhale…Exhale.

Woohyun calmed down a few minutes later and Sunggyu apologized for causing the younger to have a panic attack.

 

He wiped Woohyun’s tears away and hugged the other, this time comforting him.

 

“Sssh. Everything will be all right in time. I’m here.”

 

Woohyun completely relaxed now and they talked about anything other than Sunggyu’s problem.

 

However, it did not go as quiet as they’d like it to be. Sunggyu’s case gained national attention because of the power and authority of the victim’s father. He was always tensed and pressured to deliver. He wants his client free but he knows it’s a difficult fight.

 

He missed Woohyun so much. They have not seen each other since the new broke out. Although he tried his best to still communicate with his boyfriend every once in a while, Sunggyu was way too busy preparing for the trials to come to visit his boyfriend.

 

It even became rare to see each other when he lost his case. He wallowed in self-pity and blamed himself for losing the case. He can’t get rid of the way his client looked at him, his face full of terror and devoid of hope, knowing that he’ll be sentenced to the death penalty.

 

No one deserved a death penalty, especially Donghyuk, his client. Shin Donghyuk. The name just makes his chest tighten so much.

 

He hasn’t slept a wink since then. Donghyuk was scheduled for the electric chair a month from now. He never had the courage to visit his client because he’s way too afraid of judgment in his eyes.

 

Instead of going to Woohyun for comfort, he just stayed at his house and filed for a one-month leave. He lied to the younger and told him he’s busy preparing for another case.

 

Woohyun wanted to be there for him, he can sense it. But Sunggyu is not brave enough. He’s a coward. He doesn’t want Woohyun to see him like this. He doesn’t want to trigger any attack again.

 

So he just stayed inside his house, completely forgetting to take care of himself. Downing alcohol as early as he wakes up.

 

One day, the rain was pouring and he felt like crying after a few weeks of holding it back. It’s just one week before Donghyuk’s final moment.

He choked on his tears and got out of his house. He went to the front yard and lied down, his face facing upward.

 

He felt the heavy rain dropping on his body like bullets and he felt free. He felt better now that he feels like he’s being shot by a hundred bullets.

 

Strange. Where did these thoughts come from?

 

Sunggyu was scared of his own mind so he tried to shut it down. He was peacefully lying amidst the heavy rain when he noticed a car pulling into the driveway. He didn’t move from his spot though and waited for the other person to knock some sense on him.

 

However, he noticed footsteps coming towards him and he felt all too familiar. He opened his eyes and saw Woohyun sitting on the ground, about to lie down. He sat up and tried to stop him because he knows Woohyun doesn’t lke to be dirty. But the younger pushed him back gently, and then lied down on the ground right next to Sunggyu.

Sunggyu shed a tear as he felt the warmth of Woohyun’s hand. He can’t believe it. The Nam Woohyun who is afraid to get his hands dirty, the same man who washes his hands 20 times in an hour, is lying on the ground next to him. The thought that someone can do this much for him made Sunggyu burst out into bawling. Woohyun sat up and grabbed Sunggyu then hugged him. He was unsure as to why the older man is crying. All he knows is that nothing matters more than calming him down now.

They stayed that way for a few minutes before Sunggyu calmed down.

 

“I’m sorry you had to see me like this.”

 

“You better be sorry, Kim Sunggyu. How dare you not tell me that you took a leave from work. How dare you lie to me about being busy when all you’re doing is crying your heart out. Don’t you trust me enough to be here for you when you’re down?”

 

Woohyun started out strong but his voice broke as he tried to suppress his sobs. He needs to be strong for his lover. HSunggyu has always been there for him not it’s time for him to step up and be the other’s pillar of strength and comfort.

 

He motioned for the other to get up, which he immediately did.

 

“Let’s go take a shower. Let’s talk right after.”

 

They took a shower silently, enjoying the heat coming from the water. They stayed silent until they’re done. Sunggyu gave his lover a pair of pajamas.

 

Then he went to the kitchen and prepared hot choco for both of them. After he’s done, Woohyun was sitting silently on the couch, his eyes focused on the rain outside the window.

 

He offered the hot choco to his lover and they silently took a sip from the cup.

Woohyun looked at him intently and shed a tear when he noticed that sunggyu’s mustache has grown and he had stubbles on his chin.

 

“Kim Sunggyu, what am I to you?”

 

The older was taken aback by the sudden question.

 

“You’re my partner. What are you talking about?”

 

“Then why? Why are you keeping all this away from me,” he gestured vaguely at Sunggyu. “You were always there for me when I was having trouble dealing with my illness. Why can’t I do the same for you? Don’t you trust me enough?”

 

Sunggyu was silent. To be honest, he just doesn’t want to add any burden to Woohyun’s life. He’s had it hard already and just the thought of Woohyun suffering another panic attack because of him is unbearable. He’d rather die than see his lover suff ering.

 

“I’m sorry. I have no excuse. I should’ve gone to you. You’re my safe haven but I was too afraid to taint you.”

 

“It’s okay. I know it’s hard but please know that I’m right here. I’m with you.”

 

Woohyun inititated a hug once again, which made sunggyu really happy, although he still feels heavy.

 

They visited each other’s house more often and even stayed at each for a few nights or so. They were closer than ever and Woohyun felt like nothing could bring them down. Sunggyu also seemed a lot better.

 

He kept talking to him and insisting that they go on a trip. That he wanted to unwind and just enjoy life with Woohyun.

 

Woohyun was totally convinced that he was fine and all better because he’s back to his usual self. Then came the day of Donghyuk’s execution.

 

Sunggyu stayed at home with Woohyun by his side. He tried his best to distract himself but to no avail. His mind kept on wandering to how much of a failure he was. How he was practically the one who killed Donghyuk because of his incompetence. His guilt and conscience was too much but he tried his best to remain calm in front of Woohyun.

 

“Are you okay?” Woohyun asked him, worried as he has stayed silent for some time now.

 

To be honest, he has been keeping a facade. He wanted Woohyun to stop worrying. He loves him way too much to pass on the burden that his guilt is making him feel. His lover has nothing to do with it. It was all his fault and it would be unfair to involve Woohyun in his messed up mind. So he pretended to be fine.

His conscience however is eating him alive. Too many nights when he pretended to be asleep just so not to worry Woohyun. He would just close his eyes, and try to remain as calm as possible even when images of the last trial and Donghyuk’s impending execution attack him.

 

Ever since he has started to take on this case, everything went downhill for him. He always felt like there’s a cloud about to rain on top of his head. His heart felt like lead. The only time that he can convince himself that everything will be okay is when Woohyun snuggles up to him. It’s not an everyday thing. He needed to sanitize first before Woohyun would willingly cuddle. Sunggyu laughed at the thought.

 

“I’m starting to really worry now. You’re laughing even when there’s nothing funny. Honey, you can talk to me. You know that, right?”

 

Sunggyu looked at his lover. He’s just too precious and he deserves everything that’s bright and sunny. He doesn’t deserve this version of Sunggyu that he’s trying to suppress. The lies his mind tells him become too much sometimes that he lies about going out with friends just so he can’t meet up with Woohyun. And he’d feel terrible right after feeling like he’d betrayed the one man who loves him the most.

 

“I’m okay. Let’s just.. go to sleep. Okay?” he said as he kissed his lover’s forehead. Woohyun just nodded and snuggled closer to him.

 

“I love you, Kim Sunggyu. Don’t you dare forget that.” Woohyun said before closing his eyes, drifting to sleep one minute later.

 

He must’ve been busy at work these past few days. He didn’t even notice Woohyun going around the house cleaning and double checking stuff.

 

“I love you, Nam Woohyun and I want you to be happy. I want me to be your happy but I’m not. I’m no longer happy. You don’t deserve to have someone like me in your life. I’m a murderer. I killed my innocent client. I’m sorry”

He sobbed as he whispered these words to his lover. Woohyun was sound asleep and all Sunggyu could think is he’d like to wake up to this face.

 

But I don’t deserve it. I’m a murderer.

 

The guilt was too much for him. He got up carefully from the bed and planted a soft kiss on his lips.

 

“I’ll always be with you. No matter what.”

 

He then walked away, got his things and was never seen again.

 

 

Woohyun woke up with a scream. He had a terrible dream of Sunggyu leaving him.

 

He immediately got up and looked for the other man. His head was full of worry becauase of his dream. When he didn’t see him anywhere in his apartment, he started to panic.

 

My God, Sunggyu, where are you. He murmured to himself as he picked up his phone and dialled his number.

 

The phone was only connected to the operator saying the number cannot be reached. By now, Woohyun went on a full panic mode. He started to call Donggu because he’s their mutual friend.

 

“SUNGGYU!!!  HE’S GONE! SUNGGYU’S GONE!” He cried on to the phone, sitting and rocking himself back and forth. He doesn’t know what to do at this point.

 

On the other line, he could hear Donggu panicking as well and he heard Bora’s voice trying to calm him down.

 

“Woohyun, try to calm down. Have you looked for him everywhere? Have you called him?”

 

Woohyun just nodded even though he knows that Bora couldn’t see him. He just cried and said quickly, “Something’s wrong. It’s not supposed to be like this. He’s with me last night. We were fine so why where is he I don’t understand”

 

Bora tried to assure him that Sunggyu is fine and that he may be just out preparing for a surprise, but even she is not convinced with herself.

 

“Listen, Woohyun, Donggu is on the way there. He’ll help you look for Gyu, okay? Until then, let’s continue talking.”

 

Woohyun nodded once again. He’s thankful that Bora is there, and he’s feeling himself calm down little by little.

 

A few minutes later, Donggu arrived. He told him what happened the past few days and he can see Donggu’s face etched with worry.

 

“Don’t worry, Woohyun. We’ll find him, okay? And when we do, I’ll surely flick that bastard’s forehead for making you worry like this.”

 

They went out and looked for Sunggyu in all the places that he would possibly be in. They were desperate but no sign of Sunggyu was seen for the entire day.

 

This went on for a week, then a month, until Donggu just assumed Sunggyu is gone for good. He and Bora helped the younger cope up. They;d visit him once in a while and talk about things.

 

He also went to a psychiatrist regularly not just for his OCD but he has developed severe anxiety and depression after Sunggyu disappeared.

 

On the day of their anniversary, Woohyun was working crazily. Wanting to forget about the date and how important it should have been.

 

He was working rigorously when he heard a knock on his cubicle and a delivery man was carrying a huge bouquet of different flowers.

 

Woohyun’s heart skipped a beat as he stared at the man. His mind making up different scenarios, all of them having Kim Sunggyu at the end, surprising him, finally ending his cruel prank.

 

“Flowers for Nam Woohyun. It’s from KSG,” the courier said in a casual tone.

 

He just bowed to him and accepted the flower. The courier was about to leave when Woohyun came to his senses and called the man.

 

“Ah, excuse me, sir! Did you see the man who gave this?”

 

“I’m sorry, sir. I just picked it up from the flower shop. You can go there, maybe the owner can help you with your questions.” The man replied courteously and then bid goodbye.

 

He was about to stop the man again to ask for the address of the flower shop when he noticed that there’s a sticker on it, with the flower shop’s name and address.

 

He looked at the bouquet once again and noticed a note on the middle part of the group of flowers.

 

He opened it with teary eyes. He sat down crying when he saw Sunggyu’s handwriting.

 

“My love,

 

Happy anniversary. I hope you know that I love you. I’ll always be with you. I hope you forgive me for what I did to us.

 

I love you very much, my love.

 

Yours forever,

Kim Sunggyu”

 

The note even smelled like Sunggyu. It was too much for Woohyun to take so he stood up immediately and went out of the building. Who cares if he’s still supposed to be working. This matters more than anything else to him right now.

 

He hailed a cab and stated the address of the flower shop. He wiped his tears as he tried to calm himself down.

 

Maybe he’s still here. Maybe it’s just a terrible prank. Please let it be a prank.

Woohyun kept on muttering to himself. When he arrived at the address, he marveled at the simple yet elegant shop.

 

Jang’s Jjang Flowers

 

He heaved a sigh and went in inside. The man on the desk, presumably the owner, seemed to recognize him when he came in.

 

“Oh, Nam Woohyun, right? Have you received your flowers?” The man was smiling at him, his face a ray of sunshine.

 

He stared at him before answering, “I did. They’re beautiful.”

 

The owner introduced himself as Jang Dongwoo.

“You’re a lucky man. Sunggyu really loves you, you know. He personally picked the flowers to give you on your anniversaries! Oops,” Dongwoo covered his mouth quickly.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Ah, I ruined the surprise. That Sunggyu guy is gonna kill me. Anyway, I’ll just tell you the truth. He made an arrangement with our shop a few months ago to send you a bouquet every year at this date. He said it’s your anniversary and he likes the meaning of the flowers. Do you know the common symbol of those flowers you received and will receive? ETERNAL LOVE! Gah, it’s so romantic.” Dongwoo was busy talking to himself and gushing about how romantic it is that he did not notice Woohyun crying in front of him.

 

“This is too much. What arrangement are you talking about,” he said, wanting more explanation.

 

Dongwoo was taken aback, after all, he;s supposed to be happy but why is the man in front of him crying.

 

“He, uh, signed an arrangement for 5 years. He said to stop it if you ever said that you don’t want to receive flowers from him anymore. And if you didn’t want the flowers to stop, he gave us something that he’d want to give along with the flowers on the 5^th year.”

 

Dongwoo was confused at the reaction he’s getting.

 

“Do you know where he is?,” Woohyun cried.

“What do you mean? You’re lovers, right? Or did you guys break up? Oh my - I’m so sorry!”

 

“No, it’s not. It’s not like that. Have you seen him again since he made the arrangement? Ive been looking for him since the 3^rd of September.”

 

“Oh, I think he came here on the 4^th of September, early morning. He then made this arrangement. What do you mean you haven’t seen him again, since then? Did he leave you?”

 

Woohyun nodded, as tears fell down on his cheeks. Dongwoo got out of his position and came forward to the other man. He was about to hug him when the other man took a step back.

 

“I’m sorry. Do you know what happened?”

 

“He just disappeared. We tried looking for him but to no avail. We got the police involved but they have given up after a few months of fruitless searching. I don’t know what to do,” he sobbed and Dongwoo just stood there not knowing what to do.

 

He let him cry til he noticed that he has started to calm down.

 

“Hey, would it make you feel better if I give you the gift he’d give on your 5^th anniversary?” Dongwoo said gently.

 

He nodded and waited for Dongwoo to give it to him. Dongwoo went to the back of the shop and came back with a blue square package.

 

“There you go.” Dongwoo offered it to him, and he immediately took it. He looked at it for some time, a fresh batch of tears threatening to start falling down again. Before it did, he thanked Dongwoo and walked out the door. He hailed a taxi and went straight home. Work be damned.

 

When he arrived at his apartment, he carefully placed the gift on the table and he sat down in front of it. Staring hard, as if doing so can bring sunggyu back to his arms again.

 

He contemplated opening it. He counted to ten before deciding to open the package.

 

He carefully pulled out the ribbon on the package, all the while suppressing his sobs. The box was simple yet very calming to the eyes. This is Sunggyu.

 

A lone sob escaped and he tried to breathe once again. When he’s calmed down, he opened the box and inside he can see a llittle envelope and a smaller box. He took the envelope and placed it on the table. Then focused on the smaller box. He opened it carefully, and inside is a very intricate pocket watch.

 

He smiled, he remembered talking to Sunggyu about wanting something like this but he can’t really find the time to look for it. And now he has it, on his hands, from his beloved.

 

He opened the pocket watch and he lost it when he saw a photo of them together. It was when they went on a beach when they just started dating. It was a really fun day, even when they got sunburnt because they both forgot to bring sunscreen.

 

Their red faces were smiling brightly at the photo, a memory that they both cherish and hold close to their heart. Woohyun held the pocket watch close to his chest and cried out for Sunggyu.

 

He was crying for almost an hour, calming down for a few minutes in between. When he had completely calmed down, he picked up the envelope. He’s afraid of what’s written inside it.

 

He opened it carefully and he read the letter with tears in his eyes.

 

My dearest, Woohyunie

 

The first time I laid eyes on you was the day I realized I have to have you. It was when Bora showed me a photo of her family with you on it. You were so awkwardly cute in the photo. I had to stop myself from gushing and pinching your cheeks on the photo. It’s a good thing Bora noticed though because that’s what really started everything.

 

I was so glad when Donggu told me you’d give me a chance. If only you knew how elated I was when Donggu said it. You gave a chance to this faceless name, which I later found out that you only knew my name when I first texted you. Smh.

 

Anyway, the first meeting with you was the best thing that has happened to me for a long while. I have been suffering for quite some time before then due to problems at work and childhood traumas I can’t seem to escape from.

But with you, everything just feels right. You helped me forget. Yes, you are high maintenance, and I’ve told you before that I loved maintaining you. Because you’re making me forget about my own problems. You just make me a better person, love.

 

I am so lucky to have found you and even luckier that you agreed to be my boyfriend. The past 7 months that we’ve been together are the best days of my life. This is supposed to be a 5th-year anniversary gift but knowing Dongwoo, he would probably give it to you on the 1^st one.

 

I have been trying really hard to get out of the darkness I’m in because I’m with you, I’m with the light. But my mind has been telling me lies, my love. The voices in my head said I don’t deserve any good thing in my life. That case with Donghyuk was the last straw.

 

I’m so sorry for leaving you like this. Know that it isn’t your fault that I am now where I am right at this moment that you’re reading this letter. I hope you know how much you have helped me survive in this world. How you made my days happy despite the barrage of dark thoughts in my mind.

 

I love you and I hope you keep me in your heart, always. I may not be with you physically, but I will always be with you. Remember that.

 

I love you so much. Thank you for existing.

 

Yours forever,

Sunggyu.”

 

 

Woohyun was a mess after reading that. He didn’t know. He didn’t notice that Sunggyu was suffering even before the Donghyuk case. He was so blind and so selfish. He was so focused on his own shortcomings that he didn’t notice Sunggyu suffering.

 

He cried and cried, and blamed himself. He wanted to die but he knows Sunggyu will not be happy with that. So he clutched the letter and the pocket watch close to his chest as he sobbed himself to sleep.

 

And for the first time, Woohyun allowed himself to sleep on the floor.
 

 

 

A/N:: I kinda hate myself for how this turned out. Plz don't hate me T^T

P.S. I don't why there are lines. Can someone help me with that? xD