Break me more, come close

Push with your might, let me pull

Three words, and end me.

i.

It wasn’t love at the start, it wasn’t when she agreed to go out with Irene. They hadn’t waited that long to get together. The feelings simply weren’t there.

Infatuation, maybe, but not love.

Seulgi liked the way Irene laughed; she liked her looks, admiring the way her lips curve into a smile when they lock eyes, finding the way her eyebrow raised ever so slightly when she talks entrancing. She liked the innocence the pools of brown exuded in contrast to her no bull attitude. Her poise, elegance her steps always hold kept her intrigued.

It’s been building up as days pass, brushing past each other in the hallway or hanging out with a mutual friend, the tension looming ever since the start. Stolen glances, lingering touches or blatant compliments, they play the game too well. Surely it wasn't subtle, all that filled her ears were childish implications about her and Irene from her friends.

She knows the two of them looked good together, but for some reason, she couldn't see them in the long run.

Not love at first sight, sparks when they touch or flusters when they catch each other staring. Instead, she stares right back gives her a knowing smile to which Irene responds with her own, eyes holding the truth and conveying their emotions for them. They’re well aware of what’s between them, and it wasn’t love.

So when Irene comes up to her, cheeks flushed and hands restless asking for a date, they share another of the many glances that tell them it wouldn’t be serious, a relationship between them would be for fun and kicks and they’d enjoy the ride for as long it could go.

“I’d love to.”

And when she finds herself not snapping at anyone for one whole week, a skip in her step and too busy awaiting a Saturday that has her thinking about the ways she can impress Irene with her various charms and what not, it wasn’t love.

Not yet, at least.

ii.

Though it wasn’t love she felt for Irene, it didn’t mean that she couldn’t really, really like her.

Her cheeks might not colour crimson at breathtaking smiles and she might not lose composure whenever she’s close by, but that doesn't define the strong feelings of 'like’ she has for Irene.

Their first date was truly something else, Irene poured her heart and soul into it. She doesn’t know if she could live up to those expectations.

It's lucky that Irene can't see all the ways she affects her. She can't see Seulgi's heart thundering apart because she leans her head on her shoulder during the movie they're watching, nor can she see her wipe her palms against her jeans in the dark, so when she intertwines their fingers, they're not a sweaty mess.

She also can't see Seulgi's mind wondering if she's done enough to impress her, if maybe she was too boring and plain to be in a relationship with or if she’s too dangerous and risky to be in her life.

Even if it wasn't love, Seulgi didn't want to miss a shot with someone she has great chemistry with and not to mention, someone she really, really likes.

It was hard not to like Irene anyway, nearly half the campus had a crush on her.

Maybe she caught her eye the time she punched a guy in the face because he wasn't leaving her friends alone, that caused a big scene. When Yeri introduced them and she called her the ‘Heroic Kang’, she couldn't help but be cheeky and say, “If there's a damsel as beautiful as you in distress, I can do a lot more than punch someone for you.”

Maybe it was heartbreak, maybe she was stupid. She already knew Irene when she joined and didn't even make the first move.

It's such a shame, really.

It was a dangerous game and Seulgi's got a knack for those kinds of things. It started there and was now resulting in the two of them walking out of the theatre with hands clasped, laughing at a ridiculous joke from the movie and heading to the park by Irene's house.

They're just making pointless conversation now, unwilling for the night to end.

“How can someone not love chicken? That's… I don't know, against the laws of the universe!”

She earns an unamused “Yah,” and that makes her grin from ear to ear.

The night ends in Seulgi preventing herself from fist pumping in front of someone she really, really likes because she's enjoyed their date and Irene trying to stop smiling so much when she heads to bed, thinking of the way Seulgi could most definitely not tell her what happened in the second half of the movie because she was too busy staring at something (or someone,) else.

It might've not been love, but that didn't mean Seulgi couldn’t fall asleep with a dazed look on her face and a profound determination to face tomorrow.

iii.

It’s not love and Irene knows, but Seulgi sure does make it feel a whole lot like it.

They’ve been dating for nearly a month and a half and she now grimaces at all the horrible things her friends have told her about Seulgi. Maybe she was hot-headed and impatient, it wasn’t her fault no one ever bothered to look past her faults and see the person who she actually was.

Irene’s one of the very few who had that privilege — to see Seulgi for who she was, not who she appears to be. It wasn’t like wearing down layers and layers of walls built up to protect herself from others. Seulgi was always open, people didn’t see that. Almost as if she was an open book.

An open book that switched between chapters into languages she couldn’t understand, that’s how she was.

Seulgi’s not aloof and cold to her, and that was quite a contrast to what she expected. Warm, like the morning sun rays.

She’s not a complete no-jam like Yeri proclaims her to be, Irene finds herself giggling every time she makes a joke. She’s thoughtful and empathetic, just like Irene could foresee.

She’s come to accept the fact that Seulgi is one surprise after another, although there’s one little stupid thing that she can’t seem to get over.

Her mind simply cannot process the fact that Kang Seulgi is romantic.

She’s not used to the feeling that floods her entire being when a daffodil greets her in the morning or when she gets escorted to her first class of the day; she’s not used to the peculiar dates Seulgi comes up with like taking strolls in supermarket complexes and facing off in contests of who can eat the most rice cakes, she didn’t know how fun it could be dating Seulgi.

“I love coming here, it’s relaxing,” she says the day they go to the planetarium, voice struck with awe because she told her she loved stargazing way before they even started dating, and she’s now confused about the feelings her chest bubbles with.

It’s not love, she swears on her heart, but maybe, just maybe, if she stopped thinking for a while, she could be deceived that it was.

It can’t be love, (not yet of course,) even if Seulgi makes it look extremely close to it.

iv.

Rather than lust, it feels like passion each time their lips meet. Seulgi's not even considering the fact it could be love, her mind’s too clouded with passion.

If she was thinking straight, she would've noticed that the way she kissed Irene, it was like a lover's, not a girlfriend's.

Passion could easily slip in the way of thoughts she didn't pay attention to. It’s not love when Irene tangles her fingers in her hair, melting at the fingertips gliding at her sides and mutters her name lowly, not sure if it's in encouragement or restraint. It's still not love when Seulgi kisses her more fervently, lips hovering over smooth skin and hands inching upwards to get a better feel of it.

“While I really love what we're doing,” she breathes out, propping herself on her elbows in the back of her car, “My class is going to start soon.”

“Is it important?” Seulgi whines, hugging Irene's waist as if to stop her from leaving and stop time from advancing.

“Yes, and you need to go to yours too.”

She groans, exasperated but still complies, with a kiss goodbye she drops Irene off at her class.

The (not-in-love) lovebirds could not see or bring themselves to see what the two of them could be regardless of it was love or not, there would forever be passion in their relationship.

v.

If there’s one thing that Irene and Seulgi should do except for ignoring the fact that it’s exactly like love, it should be thanking her.

I mean, if they were a match made in heaven, she was Cupid.

They are kind of a match made in heaven and she does have a reputation for bringing cute people together, so they really should be thanking her.

Their (not in) love story solely was based off of her intuition, she’s got to get some credit for all the smiles and laughs and kisses they share. She was the one who did it all.

(Not really, she just initiated the love-not-love story. Seulgi and Irene did the rest themselves.)

Ask anyone, they’ll all say the cutest couple in their campus was the two of her friends. Maybe she could ask for a gaming set or a lifetime’s worth of sushi — nah, Seulgi’s too stingy. She should be asking Irene. They’ve known each other longer and she’s got a not so obvious soft spot for her.

It’s been five months since they started dating and Yeri thinks now’s a good time to ask for what she wants. She’s helped them find the love of their lives and she’ll never let them forget that, even if they tell her not to say things like that because quoting Seulgi’s words from a day they spent together, “I just don’t think we’re there yet.”

Maybe she was speaking—thinking—too soon.

What if it really wasn’t love?

This relationship wasn’t even supposed to be serious. What if it was meant to be only for fun and kicks and they really would put an end to the ride someday?

Well, that would only end in heartbreak for an unnie who’s cherished her for years.

That would only cause a guilty conscience for bringing together two people without any regard if they were to fall in love or not.

Irene was never one to voice out her feelings, but after being with her for so long, Yeri learnt that Irene’s eyes would convey volumes more than what she could with words. If one knows Irene as well as Yeri does, they could read her like an open book.

Eyes truly are the gate to her soul.

When she looks into her eyes, she knows. She knows what Irene thinks of the smoker on the curb of the road, she knows when she's down because of a test unprepared for, she knows when she becomes mush at the sight of kittens for her eyes turn into crescents with a smile splitting her face.

A brief glance at her watch when she’s late, a pensive look for breaking into her locker, a soft gaze when she’s trying to comfort her — she’s seen it all. Of all the truth Irene’s eyes hold, Yeri’s always cautious of a single one that holds more significance than she couldn’t bother about.

“Unnie’s such a lightweight, why do we even bother bringing her along?”

“Because she’s the only one with a car,” Irene says while walking with the barely conscious girl, fishing out Seulgi's keys and handing them to Yeri.

She grimaces once she turns on the ignition with the radio blaring in a language she barely understands. “Ugh, why do you keep the volume up so high?”

“‘Cause I love the Black Keys,” Seulgi manages to slur before passing out and Irene gently laying her head in her lap, telling Yeri to turn it down.

They’re halfway home when Yeri notices the rearview mirror is out of place, and when her hand pauses a moment, it’s when she sees the gaze she so desperately hoped not to see.

Fingers running through her hair, a ghost of a smile gracing her lips and eyes, even if cast downwards, telling a whole story of their own—she swears even with her broken English that the song playing at the moment is ironic.

“I got a love that keeps me waiting,”

It’s not the usual gaze she sees, with her eyes like Seulgi makes the world go round and the stars shine, it’s tainted with a glint of sadness – a fear. A fear of unrequited—

“Turn off the music, it’s too much rock on a peaceful night.”

It’s not that she doesn’t trust Seulgi, it’s that she’s known her for a long time, too long, maybe and she’s not exactly one to easily fall in love. Yeri’s only seen her in a committed relationship twice in all the years they’ve known each other, those didn’t exactly last long.

She adjusts the mirror to the empty street behind them, mind unfazed because if it was, she would dwell too much on the fact that she might’ve broken her favourite unnie’s heart and that’s not the guilt she wants to be pondering about 1 A.M. in the morning.

Irene stays over at Seulgi’s apartment instead of going to her dorm, (“She’s not going to take care of herself for a hangover and I don’t want her waking up with a pounding headache,”) and in that moment she realizes how gentle her unnie is, she supposes she doesn’t need any of those ‘gifts’ she’s been pestering her about.

Maybe even Cupid has to fail at times.

(the romans did not know the concept of negative numbers.)

It’s funny, she should be over this by now.

She’s clearly not over it, her mind not helping in the least when it screams at her that she could’ve been in her place in this moment. And how much she longed to be in her position, it’s not even funny, it’s sad. It shouldn’t hurt after all these days.

It shouldn’t be love.

Seungyeon watches the infamously famous couple talk animatedly with each other, lost in their own little world and feels the bitterness of irony rising up again. She could’ve been there with Seulgi, be the one she would beam at, tell her about her day and laugh at her jokes.

Love works in mysterious ways, doesn't it?

She was the one Seulgi used to love.

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

Now, all she’ll ever remain is a was. Irene is the one she loves, right?

She cheated on her, and the fact that Seulgi was willing to take her back; she should’ve known. She should’ve stayed. She should be the one who she’d only look to. Knowing that she could’ve been in Irene’s place but isn’t only twists the dagger deeper into her heart.

All these days when she’d get a glare from her friends or hear Seulgi creating a scene, sadistic or not, she used to feel accomplished—happy, because she still thinks of her in one way or the other.

That small string of accomplishment she held came crumbling down, dating the person she cheated with and knowing Seulgi’s thoughts are filled with someone else now destroyed it completely.

“I’m sor